J-Unit
01-05-2007, 05:02 PM
"Like sands through the hourglass," this is Days of Our Lives, also known as "Days" or "DOOL" to its legion of fans (read: hideous, unmarried women in their mid-thirties who live alone except for >1 cat). But enough about me! On with the recap.
First, Patch walks into the Brady pub and finds Billie there. Billie wants to be alone for sexy time, but you can tell Patch wants to have a serious conversation that starts out, "We're over because I don't have amnesia anymore."
Hope watches them leave. At first, I thought she felt guilty because she knows Patch likes Billie but his wife Kayla is her friend. Little did I know.
Bo and Roman are also at the pub. They talk about how Victor's mansion is dark "like a tomb". Ooh, could it be foreshadowing? Spoiler alert: No. Nobody stays dead on this show. Roman re-assures Bo that Victor Kiriakis is just his sperm donor, not his Dad since he didn't raise him. This is kinda shitty, because before Victor started kidnapping people he and Bo were getting along fine. Victor has his faults, but family is sacred to him. It's just that sometimes he loves his family so much, he has to tie people up and put them in the basement.
Cut to: Max and Mimi tied up in a basement. Victor put them there, because they discovered Philip Kiriakis is still alive and this is bad… somehow.
Cut to a country-western bar in Talladega where Patrick meets with the guy who used to play Ethan on All My Children. I watch All My Children and I was devastated when a bomb went off at a party? And Ethan was trapped under a house? And he died without forgiving his father (conveniently trapped with him) for abandoning him when he was a child. On DOOL he is known as E.J., but his real name is … dun dun dun… Elvis DiMera! On DOOL, DiMeras are eeevil. Also, "Elvis"? I'm supposed to take a villain named "Elvis" seriously?
The actor is hot though. The actor's name is… unknown. No one knows his name. It is a mystery. The guy playing E.J. has an English accent in real life and he had an accent on All My Children, which was very good, but here, inexplicably, he sounds like he is faking it. It is bizarre.
So, everyone knows that E.J. is actually Elvis, and Patrick wants to leave the country, but E.J. says no, we are going back to Salem!
Chelsea, of the perpetual pinchy bitch-face, and Jack and Jennifer's daughter Abby talk about Max. Abby feels weird talking to bitch-face about Max, since he and Chelsea used to bone, but Chelsea seems ok with it. That is not very Chelsea-like.
There is no time for that, back to the basement! Max and Mimi are now wiggling to loosen the ropes. Max has a pocketknife in his front pocket. I can see where this is going.
Outside the Brady Pub, Billie is happy that Patch is "free" of the love of his life and pre-amnesia wife Kayla (of the perpetually squinty sad-face). Ooops, things aren't really over! Kayla shows up and Billie knows she's been screwed once again just by the look on Patch's face.
Back to Talladega! Patrick Lockhart has a bandage on his forehead. E.J. says Pat will miss his (bipolar) mom's funeral if he doesn't go back to Salem… and before we cut to commercial the camera ZOOMS in on a tight close up of an actor making an expression! You like that? Oh, just wait until they freeze on John Black making an expression. Preview: Exquisitely uncomfortable and smells of Botox-laced ham.
And just like that, we are back from commercial. E.J. says Patrick's mom Bonnie tried to bribe him. When Pat tries to argue with him, E.J. yells, "Shut your bloody cake-hole." Oh my sainted aunt.
Bo talks to Hope about how he's sorry he broke into his sperm-daddy's mansion seeing as how he is a cop on suspension and also the whole thing got him arrested. Hope puts her bitch face on, but she's just kidding. She still loves him. Bo brushes her silky mane. Hope whinnies, eats some oats.
Just outside: Ooops, Patch got his memory back! Billie cries. She always gets the shaft. Her hair looks great.
Roman talks to Abby and Chelsea. He says he knows Victor abducted Max and Mimi, but he knows Vic won't hurt them because his super-cop senses told him so. Also, nobody dies on this show. Chelsea bitches. Her hairstyle is very Rizzo from Grease. Does that make Max her Kenickie?
Max and Mimi are still wiggling around. They fell over. Mimi is on top and reaching for his "pocketknife". This is the daytime equivalent of oral sex.
I have to point out that there is no Sami in this episode, which sucks. A commercial reminds us that Sami Brady once broke up her sister's wedding by announcing that she was pregnant with the groom's child. Sami is a selfish bitch but she is totally likeable. She has a nice body, too. You know she has more than a grape and a Fresca for lunch, HOPE.
E.J. is still pushing Patrick around in Talladega. Such tension. Will they kiss?
Hope isn't mad at Bo. They smooch. Kayla, who is Bo's sister, awkwardly interrupts them, thanking them for being nice to Patch while he had the amnesia, while she fondles the collar of Bo's shirt in a decidedly un-sisterly manner. She says something about hearts, a compass, and a boat. She's babbling like a Cylon hybrid in a vat. Hope rubs her long, green, twig-like arms together. Eats Bo's head.
Cut to outside, where Billie is still crying. She tells Patch she would have preferred an over the phone break-up, which is BULLSHIT. Patch looks really sad and rugged. Patch is hotter now than he used to be in the 80's, back when he was sporting the sweet mullet. "I'm happy for you," Billie lies. Then, she asks, "What was I to you?" Oh, no good can come of this.
Chelsea and Abby talk to Roman, who thinks that young people hide in abandoned houses and barns to get away from adults. What? Both girls are into helping with the search for Max and Mimi.
Max and Mimi are grunting in the basement. Mimi gets a hold of the knife. A few choice lines: "I'm in an X-rated movie", "It's hard!", and "I got it!" Mimi is wearing a plaid, double-breasted flannel jacket with a grey business-suit-y collar. Perfect with pinstripe pants or a deerstalker cap.
Now, the best part of the episode. Billie says to Patch, "Your silence… is devastating." Holey crap. At this point, Chelsea comes out of the pub and goes to comfort her mom Billie. Chelsea is doing this why? It must be in her best interest somehow.
Max and Mimi continue to grunt in the basement. They determine that they are in the basement of "a chapel, just outside of Salem" based on the boxes of candles they've found. They are like the fucking Bloodhound Gang kids from "3-2-1 Contact". Uh-oh, they are cold! How will they keep warm? Hint: they will have to get naked.
WAIT! Patrick is NOT Hope's baby's father? When did that happen? Anyway, he will not hurt Hope, because he is Patrick Lockhart. Get it? Lock-heart, like is heart is locked up… in Hope's vagina. E.J./Elvis/Ethan says Pat will do what he says and he means it!
Mimi and Max have found a mattress and a sink. Why aren't they trying to leave? Mimi is hungry. Max says "I am about to make you a happy woman." Before he can say he has a protein source for Mimi in his pants, he pulls out a picnic basket. They gorge and flirt.
Chelsea and her Stockard Channing hair are still comforting Billie, who is still crying. Chelsea says she never liked Patch. Ok, now I get it. She can be comforting because she got her way. It is like when you reward the dog for not peeing on the rug while you're out. Chelsea wants to get an apartment for just Billie and her. Don't do it, Billie!
Patch and Kayla are in the pub, talking about Billie and how he's sad that he had to break her heart. Kayla tells him to write Billie a letter. Huh?
E.J. announces that he will kill someone. You know a guy is truly a DiMera when he goes into the details of his nefarious plan in a speech to the good guy. Three opera metaphors later, he reveals that three men of Salem will die! Apparently Patrick used to trail E.J. like a (sex crazed) groupie before he realized that his idol was "demented". Even after such dulcet words, E.J. is eager to tell Pat that the first to go is John Black. Don't tell anybody. K? Thx.
Max and Mimi have found a radio. Some ethnic music comes on. You know Mimi is a freak, because she's all, "No, leave it on."
"I am a DiMera! I will not fail!" E.J./Elvis/Ethan announces. Um, based on what precedent? Tony DiMera couldn't kill any of the sitting ducks he trapped in New Salem. Tony's father Stephano DiMera couldn't even keep Marlena trapped in a birdcage. All they do is fail! Fucking DiMeras. Patrick says he will not help E.J. with his nefarious plans.
Bo, Roman and Hope know that E.J. is Elvis. He is Susan Bank's kid! Oh, man, not that guy. They sound like they are talking about the annoying neighbor kid, not a murderer or whatever.
Chelsea talks about fortune cookies and getting a job, and she calls Patch a "one-eyed pirate." Ha!
Kayla tells Patch to write his feelings out in a letter. "It will make (Billie) feel better." What?
Patrick is all trying to get E.J. to tell him who the other two men are. E.J. says he wants it to be a surprise, like a hurricane or a typhoon.
Roman and Hope talk about boring shit. Hope sits on a leaf. Pretends to be stick.
Oh my God, Patch is going to write the letter. This turns him on and he says to Kayla, "Let's go home and get naked." Billie watches them through the window, and then leaves with Chelsea. You are all I have now, Chels.
Max and Mimi are listening to the radio. I think it is the Gypsy Kings. Mimi says the bed is small, so they have to talk about this whole sleeping-arrangement thing. Aaaaand, tight close-up! Camera freezes! Picture does weird dissolve thing that looks like it was edited in the video equivalent of Photoshop!
In the "next on Days of Our Lives": Yay! Sami and Lucas are on the next episode! She will have to be bait for E.J. She will probably sleep with him due to this. Also, Clay Aiken! I can't wait.
First, Patch walks into the Brady pub and finds Billie there. Billie wants to be alone for sexy time, but you can tell Patch wants to have a serious conversation that starts out, "We're over because I don't have amnesia anymore."
Hope watches them leave. At first, I thought she felt guilty because she knows Patch likes Billie but his wife Kayla is her friend. Little did I know.
Bo and Roman are also at the pub. They talk about how Victor's mansion is dark "like a tomb". Ooh, could it be foreshadowing? Spoiler alert: No. Nobody stays dead on this show. Roman re-assures Bo that Victor Kiriakis is just his sperm donor, not his Dad since he didn't raise him. This is kinda shitty, because before Victor started kidnapping people he and Bo were getting along fine. Victor has his faults, but family is sacred to him. It's just that sometimes he loves his family so much, he has to tie people up and put them in the basement.
Cut to: Max and Mimi tied up in a basement. Victor put them there, because they discovered Philip Kiriakis is still alive and this is bad… somehow.
Cut to a country-western bar in Talladega where Patrick meets with the guy who used to play Ethan on All My Children. I watch All My Children and I was devastated when a bomb went off at a party? And Ethan was trapped under a house? And he died without forgiving his father (conveniently trapped with him) for abandoning him when he was a child. On DOOL he is known as E.J., but his real name is … dun dun dun… Elvis DiMera! On DOOL, DiMeras are eeevil. Also, "Elvis"? I'm supposed to take a villain named "Elvis" seriously?
The actor is hot though. The actor's name is… unknown. No one knows his name. It is a mystery. The guy playing E.J. has an English accent in real life and he had an accent on All My Children, which was very good, but here, inexplicably, he sounds like he is faking it. It is bizarre.
So, everyone knows that E.J. is actually Elvis, and Patrick wants to leave the country, but E.J. says no, we are going back to Salem!
Chelsea, of the perpetual pinchy bitch-face, and Jack and Jennifer's daughter Abby talk about Max. Abby feels weird talking to bitch-face about Max, since he and Chelsea used to bone, but Chelsea seems ok with it. That is not very Chelsea-like.
There is no time for that, back to the basement! Max and Mimi are now wiggling to loosen the ropes. Max has a pocketknife in his front pocket. I can see where this is going.
Outside the Brady Pub, Billie is happy that Patch is "free" of the love of his life and pre-amnesia wife Kayla (of the perpetually squinty sad-face). Ooops, things aren't really over! Kayla shows up and Billie knows she's been screwed once again just by the look on Patch's face.
Back to Talladega! Patrick Lockhart has a bandage on his forehead. E.J. says Pat will miss his (bipolar) mom's funeral if he doesn't go back to Salem… and before we cut to commercial the camera ZOOMS in on a tight close up of an actor making an expression! You like that? Oh, just wait until they freeze on John Black making an expression. Preview: Exquisitely uncomfortable and smells of Botox-laced ham.
And just like that, we are back from commercial. E.J. says Patrick's mom Bonnie tried to bribe him. When Pat tries to argue with him, E.J. yells, "Shut your bloody cake-hole." Oh my sainted aunt.
Bo talks to Hope about how he's sorry he broke into his sperm-daddy's mansion seeing as how he is a cop on suspension and also the whole thing got him arrested. Hope puts her bitch face on, but she's just kidding. She still loves him. Bo brushes her silky mane. Hope whinnies, eats some oats.
Just outside: Ooops, Patch got his memory back! Billie cries. She always gets the shaft. Her hair looks great.
Roman talks to Abby and Chelsea. He says he knows Victor abducted Max and Mimi, but he knows Vic won't hurt them because his super-cop senses told him so. Also, nobody dies on this show. Chelsea bitches. Her hairstyle is very Rizzo from Grease. Does that make Max her Kenickie?
Max and Mimi are still wiggling around. They fell over. Mimi is on top and reaching for his "pocketknife". This is the daytime equivalent of oral sex.
I have to point out that there is no Sami in this episode, which sucks. A commercial reminds us that Sami Brady once broke up her sister's wedding by announcing that she was pregnant with the groom's child. Sami is a selfish bitch but she is totally likeable. She has a nice body, too. You know she has more than a grape and a Fresca for lunch, HOPE.
E.J. is still pushing Patrick around in Talladega. Such tension. Will they kiss?
Hope isn't mad at Bo. They smooch. Kayla, who is Bo's sister, awkwardly interrupts them, thanking them for being nice to Patch while he had the amnesia, while she fondles the collar of Bo's shirt in a decidedly un-sisterly manner. She says something about hearts, a compass, and a boat. She's babbling like a Cylon hybrid in a vat. Hope rubs her long, green, twig-like arms together. Eats Bo's head.
Cut to outside, where Billie is still crying. She tells Patch she would have preferred an over the phone break-up, which is BULLSHIT. Patch looks really sad and rugged. Patch is hotter now than he used to be in the 80's, back when he was sporting the sweet mullet. "I'm happy for you," Billie lies. Then, she asks, "What was I to you?" Oh, no good can come of this.
Chelsea and Abby talk to Roman, who thinks that young people hide in abandoned houses and barns to get away from adults. What? Both girls are into helping with the search for Max and Mimi.
Max and Mimi are grunting in the basement. Mimi gets a hold of the knife. A few choice lines: "I'm in an X-rated movie", "It's hard!", and "I got it!" Mimi is wearing a plaid, double-breasted flannel jacket with a grey business-suit-y collar. Perfect with pinstripe pants or a deerstalker cap.
Now, the best part of the episode. Billie says to Patch, "Your silence… is devastating." Holey crap. At this point, Chelsea comes out of the pub and goes to comfort her mom Billie. Chelsea is doing this why? It must be in her best interest somehow.
Max and Mimi continue to grunt in the basement. They determine that they are in the basement of "a chapel, just outside of Salem" based on the boxes of candles they've found. They are like the fucking Bloodhound Gang kids from "3-2-1 Contact". Uh-oh, they are cold! How will they keep warm? Hint: they will have to get naked.
WAIT! Patrick is NOT Hope's baby's father? When did that happen? Anyway, he will not hurt Hope, because he is Patrick Lockhart. Get it? Lock-heart, like is heart is locked up… in Hope's vagina. E.J./Elvis/Ethan says Pat will do what he says and he means it!
Mimi and Max have found a mattress and a sink. Why aren't they trying to leave? Mimi is hungry. Max says "I am about to make you a happy woman." Before he can say he has a protein source for Mimi in his pants, he pulls out a picnic basket. They gorge and flirt.
Chelsea and her Stockard Channing hair are still comforting Billie, who is still crying. Chelsea says she never liked Patch. Ok, now I get it. She can be comforting because she got her way. It is like when you reward the dog for not peeing on the rug while you're out. Chelsea wants to get an apartment for just Billie and her. Don't do it, Billie!
Patch and Kayla are in the pub, talking about Billie and how he's sad that he had to break her heart. Kayla tells him to write Billie a letter. Huh?
E.J. announces that he will kill someone. You know a guy is truly a DiMera when he goes into the details of his nefarious plan in a speech to the good guy. Three opera metaphors later, he reveals that three men of Salem will die! Apparently Patrick used to trail E.J. like a (sex crazed) groupie before he realized that his idol was "demented". Even after such dulcet words, E.J. is eager to tell Pat that the first to go is John Black. Don't tell anybody. K? Thx.
Max and Mimi have found a radio. Some ethnic music comes on. You know Mimi is a freak, because she's all, "No, leave it on."
"I am a DiMera! I will not fail!" E.J./Elvis/Ethan announces. Um, based on what precedent? Tony DiMera couldn't kill any of the sitting ducks he trapped in New Salem. Tony's father Stephano DiMera couldn't even keep Marlena trapped in a birdcage. All they do is fail! Fucking DiMeras. Patrick says he will not help E.J. with his nefarious plans.
Bo, Roman and Hope know that E.J. is Elvis. He is Susan Bank's kid! Oh, man, not that guy. They sound like they are talking about the annoying neighbor kid, not a murderer or whatever.
Chelsea talks about fortune cookies and getting a job, and she calls Patch a "one-eyed pirate." Ha!
Kayla tells Patch to write his feelings out in a letter. "It will make (Billie) feel better." What?
Patrick is all trying to get E.J. to tell him who the other two men are. E.J. says he wants it to be a surprise, like a hurricane or a typhoon.
Roman and Hope talk about boring shit. Hope sits on a leaf. Pretends to be stick.
Oh my God, Patch is going to write the letter. This turns him on and he says to Kayla, "Let's go home and get naked." Billie watches them through the window, and then leaves with Chelsea. You are all I have now, Chels.
Max and Mimi are listening to the radio. I think it is the Gypsy Kings. Mimi says the bed is small, so they have to talk about this whole sleeping-arrangement thing. Aaaaand, tight close-up! Camera freezes! Picture does weird dissolve thing that looks like it was edited in the video equivalent of Photoshop!
In the "next on Days of Our Lives": Yay! Sami and Lucas are on the next episode! She will have to be bait for E.J. She will probably sleep with him due to this. Also, Clay Aiken! I can't wait.