Stupid Things People Say

[jampony]

So I was just reading the "I threw up a little in my mouth" thread (and eww, gross by the way) and all those annoying phrases (which I agree with wholeheartedly, except I need to add "kill me, kill me now" to the list... sorry, deltoro, but I that that phrase) and then I started thinking about all the funny things people say, unintentionally of course. Because it's just way funnier when people are trying really hard to sound smart and they don't even know they're being stupid, right? Right?!? Is that mean of me? Whatever. *eyeroll* (sorry HoneyBunny). And anyway, isn't making fun of people sort of the hallmark of this site? I have a ton of these, but here are my favorites...

"I swear, models and actresses these days are SO skinny. They just walk around all emancipated and stuff. They should eat more." I have this image in my head of super thin women stomping down a runway carrying signs that say "Free the Models!"

"My aunt can't have any more children since she got a tubalization." And, no, this wasn't Jade/ANTM or Janelle/RW who made up this word.

"My husband knows he needs to watch what he eats but he can't seem to help himself. He just keeps gouging himself with food." I guess maybe a really pointy banana might hurt a little.

So, does anybody have any funnies to share? No fair including anything from MTV... it's just way too easy. Okay, y'all, have a good one (sorry firecat)! You know, I talk about this site so much at work, if any of my coworkers ever read this they would know immediately who I'm talking about. This could be very bad. Oh, well. It is what it is, I guess (sorry sg-dub).

[Ness]

I can't think of any funnies to share but reading your post was hilarious.

[Firecat]

Okay, y'all, have a good one (sorry firecat)!

lol....one day I will find out what this "one" is that people are referring too.

[amy303_1/2]

This may not be what the thread is talking about, it may show my stupid side a little, but it was somthing stupid I said. One time my husband and I were walking on the boardwalk where we live, and when ever one of us sees any fish or turtles of neat birds we get all giddy like kids and point them out to each other. So, we were walking and I saw some seagulls, something we see all the time, but for some reason I got really exited, and said to him, "OH! Look at the penguins!!". And he for some reason thought I was serieous about them, and was like, "OH OH Where?? Where??" so I pointed at the seagulls, and I didn't even realize I said penguins. He then pointed out to me that they were in fact seagulls, and NOT Penguins. It's not like I watched March of the Penguins or Madagascar (isn't that the one with penguins) that day, and I don't really think about them that much. It was just so stupid, and I laugh so much everytime I think about it. THEN...one day at work, I picked up one of the USA Today's that we get at work, which I never do, and was looking through the different sections, and the front headlines for the entertainment section said SEX! LIES! PENGUINS! It was SOOOO funny, I had to take it to him that morning while he was working to give to him!!!! Sorry this was so long about so little, but, again it was a stupid thing someone said, someone being myself.:D

[zoobabe]

I will share two of my own moments of stupidity:

I was attending a bonobo workshop at the Columbus Zoo and we had a guest speaker from Japan who was talking about his field research in the Congo. He was trying to tell a story about an orphaned baby bonobo that was originally bought as a gift for the BELGIAN KING, but no one could understand what he was saying with his accent and we were all like wha??? Anyway- I was kind of sleepy b/c it had been a long day and in my haze I blurted out what I thought he was saying- BILLIE JEAN KING! The host of the workshop said- "No, Belgian King", and everyone laughed for about 5 min. They still teased mr afterwards about a baby bonobo for Billie Jean King. So stupid!- but at least it broke the monotony and I gave everyone a chuckle.:D


I also once got confused in a discussion about religion and accused Jesus' mother of being a prostitute b/c I got her mixed up with the other Mary (Magdalene). So- I literally called Jesus' mama a WHORE! My friends got a good laugh out of that one too. Obviuosly I don't read the Bible a lot.:D

[jampony]

Firecat -- I know... that "have a good one" thing drives me crazy. I'm sure it just means "day" or something but it's still annoying. But here's something that's fun to do... you know that Chinese fortune cookie trick of adding "in bed" to the end of every fortune? Well, do that here, too. And then if you're feeling especially creative, when someone tells you "have a good one", in your head you can substitute "one" with some fun words like "romp", "slap and tickle", or "bagel" (well, come on! after all the romping and slapping and tickling it just stands to reason you're gonna be hungry!). Ah, well. It's a silly game but it keeps me amused.

And, Amy? Thank you oh so very much for putting that story in my head. I HAVE seagulls where I live and I guaranfrickintee you that the next time I have guests over and they want to go out on my balcony to feed the loud smelly geese or the crazy quacking mallards, I'm gonna see a seagull and point and say, "Look, everyone, penguins!" and in the blink of an eye I'll have become the laughing stock of my group. But seriously, did your husband think you walked through some magical portal that transported you both to the south pole or something? Was he really looking for penguins!?! And did you read the "Sex! Lies! Penguins!" article? 'Cause I'm dying to know what THAT was all about!

[jampony]

I also once got confused in a discussion about religion and accused Jesus' mother of being a prostitute b/c I got her mixed up with the other Mary (Magdalene). So- I literally called Jesus' mama a WHORE! My friends got a good laugh out of that one too. Obviuosly I don't read the Bible a lot.:D

Dang, zoobabe! I do NOT want to be standing next to YOU when that lightning bolt comes down to smite you! I'm not super religious, but I'm not even sure it's a good idea to share a thread with you now. Is there like a "guilt by association" rule in the bible or anything? ;)

[zoobabe]

the good thing about being raised Catholic is that even though we can hold onto guilt like nobody's business, as long as you confess - God will forgive you.

The bad thing? No premarital sex/no contraception. That's why I haven't been to church in years.:o

[HoneyBunny]

jampony -
since you made me laugh I will share one of my most treasured stories about using the wrong word.

My cousin, Bob and his precocious 6 year old daughter, Brenda were visiting his Mom, Betty and some of Betty's friends.
Bob needed to run an errand so Bree stayed with her Grandma. When Bob returned he found 5 old ladies laughing hysterically, drabbing their initial embossed hankies to the tears rolling down their eyes and congratulating themselves on having worn their Depends that day.
The story goes that after Bob left Brenda was telling the ladies all about how her Daddy had bought a new Volvo - only she did use the word Volvo but a similar word in spelling and sound that refers to female genitalia.
She proceeded to explain that the previous "Volvo" had been driven to death, was always at the mechanics and that Daddy was sick to death of the old thing. She said that when Daddy told Mommy that he was getting a new "Volvo" Mommy was not happy - she said that there was nothing wrong with the old "Volvo" that money couldn't fix. Afterall, Bill (the Mechanic) had a special way of getting the old "Volvo" to work. But Daddy was determined and last week came home with a pretty red one. Brenda said that now, every time Daddy comes home from driving his new "Volvo" he has a smile on his face.
When Bob walked though the door at Betty's house, he had a big smile on his face!

(names were changed so my cousin won't kill me and this story has been told many times over the years so the veracity of all statements maybe in question)

hb

[TinkerbellAPixie]

LMAO!!

[amy303_1/2]

And did you read the "Sex! Lies! Penguins!" article? 'Cause I'm dying to know what THAT was all about!

I didn't read it but it was about different movies, and under each word, it had a picture of some movie that had something related, like under the word SEX, it had a picture of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I don't remember what picture went with lies and of course, PENGUINS had a picture from march of the penguins.
And no, I don't know what he was thinking about asking where, but that made it extra funny.

[chick110]

Thank you all for making me almost pee my pants before I even got dressed today... :) Since I have two very precocious kids, I'm sure I will have lots to contribute to this thread. Right now, I just wish I had some of the depends from the "Volvo" story... ;)

[jampony]

That volvo story is hysterical! It's bound to become a classic and get passed around in email-land for years.

Okay, here's another one. I'm not sure if it's funny or just annoying. I called a store to get directions and the guy who answered the phone was really dumb or really stoned. Either way, he shouldn't have been giving directions. Here's the conversation:

Me: Hi, can you tell me what side of the street you're on?
Him: Huh?
Me: Are you on the north or south side of the street?
Him: It depends on which way you're coming from.
Me: Um... no it doesn't.
Him: Yes it does.
Me: Okay, fine, I'm coming from the east.
Him: Is that the left or the right?
Me: Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be asking.
Him: Huh?
Me (fed up): Okay, I'm coming from the right.
Him: Then we're on the left side of the street.

Argh! I went to a comeptitor's store instead.

[ElectraGlide]

jampony that's hilarious. Compass locations are pretty much constant. Why so difficult for people to understand?

[msCCRN]

I love this thread, and these post are too funny. In the medical field, you get lay people who mess up medical-ese all the time. How many times must I listen to men talk about how they have difficulty urinating because of their 'prostrate' gland. I know there are more, I just can't think of them now.

[zoobabe]

How about masectomy? I've heard that one.

[jampony]

How about altimers? Or worse, oldtimers! :confused:

[jampony]

I hate to be a double poster but I just saw this phone commercial that reminded me of something a friend of mine used to say all the time. "I can't even phantom how that must feel." It was hard to keep a straight face around her. And I sincerely hope the makers of the commercial MEANT for her to say it that way. They had to have, right?

[Mulv]

You know the rap in the middle of Vogue? ...Dietrich and DiMaggio, Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean, on the cover of a magazine...etc. Well, for years I thought that the rap said Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, gingivitis, dance on air. Finally, one day I was driving in the car with my mom and singing along to the song. I get to that part and recite the rap as I know it. My mom turns and looks at me with this half-amused, half-disgusted look on her face and goes, "Ummmm, honey? Ginger Rogers, dance on air."

I was like, "Ohhhhh. That makes so much more sense!" She was like, "I know."

I just thought it was like We Didn't Start the Fire, just a string of pop culture references mushed together. It never occured to me that the rap was about Old Hollywood and that a reference to gum disease was a little out of place in the song.

Yeah, so, long story short, I'm dumb.

[msCCRN]

[QUOTE=jampony] "I can't even phantom how that must feel." It was hard to keep a straight face around her.

That reminds me of a nincompoop I used to work with who would say, "Pacifically" when he should have said specifically. He said it so many times that I know he really thought that was the adjective. To add injury to insult (or the other way around) he would spit on you because he emphasized the "P". :eek:

[TinkerbellAPixie]

I know someone who always says "probally" with a real emphasis on the "a-lee" - so it's Prob-A-Lee

[Tabby Lavalamp]

No second B?

[jampony]

Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, gingivitis, dance on air.
That totally made me snort bubbles out of my nose! It should be on kissthisguy.com!

a nincompoop I used to work with who would say, "Pacifically" when he should have said specifically
And did he brag about sailing on the Specific Ocean while spitting on you with all those "s" sounds?

[Pekmboyd]

That reminds me of a nincompoop I used to work with who would say, "Pacifically" when he should have said specifically.

Add to that the people who say "supposably" instead of supposedly - I figured when Friends did an episode having Joey do the same thing people would catch on, but no.

Sidenote: the Friends episode where Joey says "the point is moo...like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter, it's moo" - my husband and I use that all the time, it makes me giggle.

[ObstinantGirl]

From the Sound of Music, my husband always thought that the song went like this:

"Tea, a drink with German bread..."

He's still not fully convinced that I'm right when I say it's actually:

"Tea, a drink with JAM and bread..."


Oh, and we had a friend who always thought that the AC/DC song was about "Dirty Deeds, Done to Sheep"...until his friends laughed at him and informed him that it was actually "Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap".

[samynoodle]

Sidenote: the Friends episode where Joey says "the point is moo...like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter, it's moo" - my husband and I use that all the time, it makes me giggle.

My friend who recently received her M.A. in English was doing her duty as a T.A. and actually had a student (I've never been privy to know if it was a boy or girl) write "moo"...Rach thought it was a spelling error because moo is a word and spell check wouldn't pick it up. She decided to review the paper with the student and in the course of the review, the student asked if her points were valid, especially the "moo" one because s/he was afraid it wasn't. When Rach explained yes, the use of the moot point was valid, the kid asked if that was like a "moo" point. Apparently someone in the cubicle next to her busted up laughing and Rach quickly finished her session, and kindly informed the student via email that the word was moot.

[msCCRN]

the student asked if her points were valid, especially the "moo" one because s/he was afraid it wasn't. When Rach explained yes, the use of the moot point was valid, the kid asked if that was like a "moo" point..

I have other people say this is a MUTE point. If the point is mute, then what's the point?

I think we could start a whole 'nother thread with wrong song lyrics. My husband does this on purpose all the time. One of his favorites is to sing the Credence song Bad Moon Rising. Instead of, "There's a bad moon on the rise." It becomes, "There's a bathroom on the right." :)

[jampony]

Ya' know... if we keep reading other people's misheard song lyrics we're eventually going to start singing the songs that way, too! And since it's almost lunch time and I'm really hungry I'm thinking about german bread right now.

Well, I've been avoiding sharing anything embarassing that I've said, but since Mulv was so brave in sharing that story, here's mine. It's the ONLY time I've EVER said anything wrong. I swear. You know the Elton John song "Tiny Dancer"? The part where he says "lay me down in sheets of linen, you've had a busy day today"? I thought it was "lay me down, and she's so berry, you've had a visitor today". I thought they were talking about "Aunt Flo". :o

[samynoodle]

My brother is a notorious maker-upper of lyrics. My personal favorites include "Hot Fudge in the Summer Time" (instead of Hot Fun in the Summer Time) and "Down with My Boom Box" which upon seeing The Goonies became "Down in the Goon-docks" (instead of Down in the Boondocks). The kid is 23 and still insists these are the words. And of course "Secret Asian Man".

[Pekmboyd]

My little brother thought for the longest time that the words to the Hall & Oates song "everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you" were "you take a piece of meat with you" - because obviously you'd be hungry when you left :)

[derder]

A little girl I use to babysit thought "Fly Robin Fly" was "Love in the Sky". And my little brothers friend thought "She's got Betty Davis Eyes" was "She's got better taste than I ".

[ObstinantGirl]

Okay...I'm willing to go out on a limb and humiliate myself! :o

Years ago (okay, not all THAT many years ago) I was very sick, and upon returning to my office a couple of days later I was sharing with a co-worker that the doctor had told me that I was suffering from "Influenza", and how I didn't even know that people came down with that any more! She gave me this funny look, but was too polite to call me out on the fact that I was being a total moron...because of course "Influenza" is simply the longer version of "the flu" which practically EVERYONE comes down with on an annual basis. D'uh.

In my defense, I was VERY sick, and the doctor made quite a big deal out of saying how very close to hospitalization I was, and he kept calling it "Influenza" over & over again, in a most significant manner. I think he hypnotized me.

[ATrueOne]

After reading a lot of the reply's my side is hurting from laughing. Very funny stuff! Just wanted to mention one that really gets to me. I love to tell stories and jokes, and if I'm saying the story or joke how and why do people reply "I'm saying"? I think it's a way to agree yet: Noooo, you weren't saying that....I thought I was! Everytime someone says that to me I always have to stop myself from saying "Nooo, I'm saying!":confused: :D

[jampony]

Firecat's recent post about Johnny Depp reminded me to post this.

At work the other day, a male coworker came into the lunchroom (full of women) to ask why a guy can't check out another woman when he's with his wife/girlfriend. This started a long conversation about everything from age and maturity to self confidence and infidelity. The whole thing culminated in the following story, told by one of my favorite coworkers (the woman who actually inspired this thread way back when).

She said she was at the beach with her husband one day. It wasn't very sunny but he insisted on wearing sunglasses. After an hour or two she finally figured out it was so he could check out the bikini-clad women without her knowing. Which, in itself, is a funny story. But the part that had me spitting up my happy meal was when she said he was wearing the sunglasses so he could google all the women. He just kept googling them! It didn't matter that she was right there, he kept googling and googling all the pretty women! (Yes, she tends to repeat herself to get her point across.) She even told him to take a picture so he can google them at home (which actually kind of made sense, in a scary, stalker sort of way). To make matters worse, the male coworker, trying to politely correct her, said it was horrible that her husband oogled all the girls in front of her and that if his wife oogled a guy in front of him, he'd just oogle right back.

I love my job and I love my coworkers even more, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

[Lizardqueen]

Firecat's recent post about Johnny Depp reminded me to post this.

At work the other day, a male coworker came into the lunchroom (full of women) to ask why a guy can't check out another woman when he's with his wife/girlfriend. This started a long conversation about everything from age and maturity to self confidence and infidelity. The whole thing culminated in the following story, told by one of my favorite coworkers (the woman who actually inspired this thread way back when).

She said she was at the beach with her husband one day. It wasn't very sunny but he insisted on wearing sunglasses. After an hour or two she finally figured out it was so he could check out the bikini-clad women without her knowing. Which, in itself, is a funny story. But the part that had me spitting up my happy meal was when she said he was wearing the sunglasses so he could google all the women. He just kept googling them! It didn't matter that she was right there, he kept googling and googling all the pretty women! (Yes, she tends to repeat herself to get her point across.) She even told him to take a picture so he can google them at home (which actually kind of made sense, in a scary, stalker sort of way). To make matters worse, the male coworker, trying to politely correct her, said it was horrible that her husband oogled all the girls in front of her and that if his wife oogled a guy in front of him, he'd just oogle right back.

I love my job and I love my coworkers even more, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

And here I thought ogling women was bad. Now these dirty bastards are googling and oogling them!

[TinkerbellAPixie]

The whole thing culminated in the following story, told by one of my favorite coworkers (the woman who actually inspired this thread way back when).

Cute cute story - your co-worker sounds like a stitch! :lol:

[Quidam]

LOL, that IS funny Jampony! :lol:

I completely, and without trepidation admit I am a googleholic.

[TinkerbellAPixie]

I completely, and without trepidation admit I am a googleholic.

And knowing is half the battle or admitting it is the first step or something like that.

Yo Joe!

[HoneyBunny]

After reading a lot of the reply's my side is hurting from laughing. Very funny stuff! Just wanted to mention one that really gets to me. I love to tell stories and jokes, and if I'm saying the story or joke how and why do people reply "I'm saying"? I think it's a way to agree yet: Noooo, you weren't saying that....I thought I was! Everytime someone says that to me I always have to stop myself from saying "Nooo, I'm saying!":confused: :D

Come back ATrueOne...



hb

[Jinger]

I just stumbled on this thread when it got renewed and have a couple to share....

My old roommate was the sweetest thing ever but dumb as a box of rocks. She would always try to use big words to sound smarter, I can only think of two but there were so many more! I remember these 2 though b/c I still use her words to make myself laugh...

Whenever she was flustered, she was always very "discombobutated".

Her boyfriend was off on a golfing "expedenture"

You know everyone's favorite is "irregardless" but the very best is when your BOSS uses it...one time I'm in his office and he just keeps using it over and over and all I can think in my head is "Idiot. You're a fucking idiot!"

And my last funny story (well they are funny to ME anyway) is a friend that though that song Evil Woman went "He is a woman..." and I sing it that way still to this day b/c it makes me laugh!

That's all I got...

[t-bag]

What perfect, perfect, perfect timing to bump this thread. I had the most unbelievable night.

We've all had the friend with the significant other who's totally crazy, and that prototype was finally immortalized in Saving Silverman. But let me tell you, my best friend/roommate, has the Silverman's girlfriend of them all. So, I present to you:

Things Women Should Never Do If They Are Interested In A Man, or: How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days 2
You see, these two have been dating for quite some time. They started their relationship off in the first week with a bang! with her giving up her virginity (without any pushing of any sort from him, surprisingly) at the tender age of sixteen, while he was a healthy nineteen. After they did it, she decided, "Uh... I better date this guy to avoid looking like a slut," so they started dating.
They're one of those couples that fight all the time, even in front of people, making it really awkward when we're in large groups together. Anyway, I'll cut out the rocky two years (although there is some fantastic material in there for some sort of really surreal movie or novel), and get to tonight, and what you women should definitely not do if you're interested in a man. I know you're all smart enough to never do this stuff, but now I have lost some faith in humanity. I didn't think anyone was this stupid.
Since they've been doing stuff all day every day for the past month, he wisely decided that's not healthy and they should hang out with some other friends. So he called me up and she called her friends, who happened to be at my house with my little sister. So they both showed up at my house, but for different people. Oh, yeah, and I should mention that she hates me, and is very vocal about it. Not sure why; it was me and my girlfriend who sat her down in my room and comforted her for an hour the night she cut her wrists and proudly flaunted them to him, not because she was sad, but because he "wasn't talking to me enough". I think she hates me because she gets really jealous of anyone - man or woman - who knows him better than her, so the fact that we're total BFFs and have lived together for the past two years makes her get jealous of me. Because I'm totally going to move in on him once she's out of the picture.
Anyway, they both show up at my house, so he decides, wisely, to get the hell out of there. So we take off, but after she's caught a glimpse of him, she realizes, "Wait a minute! I hate all my friends in comparison to him!" So, in front of her group of "friends", she continues to call him for about three hours, every half an hour, yelling at him and crying about how much she hates her friends and wants him to ditch me to hang out with her, since she hates me, too. He was polite enough to remind her that just because she hates me doesn't mean he does. So then she must have thought, "This'll get him!" Or something of that sort. I can't pretend to understand what went through her mind at this point. She sent him tantalizing text messages trying to bribe him to her house with stuff like, "If you come to my house I'll make out with you," or, "I want you..." Really classy stuff from a really classy gal.
Well, we waited until she was gone, and we went back to my house later in the night. The downside is she lives right down the street from me, so she knew we were there. She ran down to my house, came down to the basement where we were, and started to make out with him for a few seconds. Then she whispered, "Bye..." to him to try to seduce him out of the house with her. Naturally, he didn't give into this pathetic display, and while we sat in the basement contemplating what had just happened throughout the past few hours, she sent him a text message saying, "Come up and say goodbye!!!" Yes, she had been standing in my house for the past ten minutes waiting for him to come up. And when he didn't, she texted him and commanded him to. Deciding he had won enough battles already and he had to get rid of her, he ran up to give her a quick kiss goodnight and a nice shove out the door so we could finally get rid of her.

If you're a Real World: Denver, COLORADO! fan, you should be reminded of Brooke. Because that's exactly what she's like. Total nutjob.

I've always said I should have a reality show where I'm the normal boring center of the show, but it's always crazy because everyone I know is totally out of their minds. This only confirmed it. Someone get in talks with the networks and get some cameras on me, STAT! We're missing so much TV gold. You can't even get this stuff on Laguna Beach!

[t-bag]

Eek. Sorry for the huge, like, block of text. Read it at your own discretion. It'll make you hate girls.

[Firecat]

I don't know dude...she sounds kinda hot to me. I've always found mentally unstable chicks appealing (this isn't a joke).

[Clair]

Eek. Sorry for the huge, like, block of text. Read it at your own discretion. It'll make you hate girls.

Run, T-bag's Friend, run away. Run far, far away.

[CrazyTrain]

Srsly, why is he still with her
Other than the obvious - that she'll kill him if he leaves.
How crazy.

[chooch850]

I didn't know you knew Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake

[Ness]

I didn't know you knew Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake

:lol:

[Pekmboyd]

Ness - as an ex-math teacher, I LOVE your avatar!!!!!!

[angiemarie]

Eek. Sorry for the huge, like, block of text. Read it at your own discretion. It'll make you hate girls.



Granted, this girl sounds quite annoying, but isn't your friend a dork for putting up with all her drama for so long? If she's so awful why doesn't he just dump her?

[t-bag]

Because normally he's seen the good times as worth getting through the bad times. Now he's not so sure. We'll see how things go in the two-hour car ride the three of us are sharing tomorrow as we go back to school. I may end up throwing myself onto the highway. I'm totally going to be a dick and dibs shotgun, though.

[jampony]

We'll see how things go in the two-hour car ride the three of us are sharing tomorrow as we go back to school.
So we're losing you for a semester? Or do you plan on forsaking school work and extracurricular activities to continue playing with us?

[t-bag]

Hell, no. You're not losing me. I'll probably be a little more scarce, but I'll still be around for sure.

[jampony]

Damn. So close.



;)

[Ms. Tumnus]

Crap. Good luck with that fun car ride T-Bag.

Let us know how it goes.

[campfiregirl]

Just when we think we will lose the foul mouthed youngster he throws us a curve and claims he's gonna still be around. Safe trip t-bag:D

[t-bag]

Thanks, ya'lls. I'm back at school, and, as you can see, I haven't left you guys! The drive wasn't that bad at all. Good music brought us together. But he wouldn't let me have shotgun because apparently she called it a week ago (even though we all know the rule is you have to be near the car, and not near the car a week in advance). The really bad news about the trip was my goldfish died right when we got within city limits. I guess Madison does something to fish. It was a Christmas present from my little sister, so I called to yell at her for giving me a present I can't do anything with but flush.

My room is a total mess. I just threw everything in a big pile in the middle of it and then came out into the living room. I'll unpack in a week or so.

[aca607]

You know everyone's favorite is "irregardless" but the very best is when your BOSS uses it...one time I'm in his office and he just keeps using it over and over and all I can think in my head is "Idiot. You're a fucking idiot!"

I just heard some one say "irregardless" last night. It was on Larry King Live. It was the prosecutor for that guy that kidnapped those two boys from Missouri. I just laughed and thought "You dumbass!"

[dr.birdie]

Wanted to bump this one because my dear aunt, who is a hypochondriac, but I love her dearly, left a message yesterday that she had a tumor on her toe and wanted to know what kind of treatment they did for it. All I could come up with is she had skin cancer because that was the only kind of tumor I could think of that would be on your toe. Well, I called her back and after discussing the spot, the doctor and what had caused this, I discoverd it was a hemotoma. I told her I would come over later and look at it, but not to tell other people because it might get them too worried over nothing.

[derder]

Wanted to bump this one because my dear aunt, who is a hypochondriac, but I love her dearly, left a message yesterday that she had a tumor on her toe and wanted to know what kind of treatment they did for it. All I could come up with is she had skin cancer because that was the only kind of tumor I could think of that would be on your toe. Well, I called her back and after discussing the spot, the doctor and what had caused this, I discoverd it was a hemotoma. I told her I would come over later and look at it, but not to tell other people because it might get them too worried over nothing.

I use to work with a cop who thought a hemostat was called a hebostat. I, of course, nicknamed him Hebastat.

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

LOVE IT ALL

[derder]

Oh yeah, and my husband still says "Philedethia".
And he is actually quite smart. Just can't get that word right, for some reason. I think it's charming.

[jampony]

Here's one I've never heard before:

Sounds like my cousin. She'll say she won't talk during the movie, but, below and behold, I'm trying to watch the movie and all the sudden she'll scream what is about to happen. Pees me off.

I don't know which is funnier, "below and behold" or "pees me off".

[giffordsaz]

Jam[ers. i a drunk enough to tel you that made me laugh... i don't think you watch BB or care about the feeds but I have been on there 4 hours straight because shit is going down.. and i have had some VERY potent vodka-strawberry lemonade (fresh made by ME!) drinks and your ost made me laugh totally out loud........ Thank you for that as i have had a very stressful evening and you are te best. ... I actually love your sci-fi ass.

[jampony]

lol -- thanks, giff. I love your vodka-drinking, BB-loving ass, too.

This isn't as funny but I'm putting it here for safe keeping... I swear, one of these days I'm gonna write a book or create a web site just for funny things people say.

"To each is own" is my modo.

Oh, and people who write "per say" (per se) and "wallah" (voila) make me laugh, too.

[Cherie]

This is a BB reference but Sheila always talks about Scenerials instead or scenarios. I want to smack her in the head.

[jampony]

Oooh, that's a funny one! Does anybody else notice or are they all oblivious?

[roadtripper8]

My dad doesn't get flustered or frustrated... he combines the two in to something called "flustrated", which he swears is an actual word. Not a stupid thing; just very quirky.

[lennonwhore]

English is my mom.s second language. And she always says that things are "hoppening." Not hopping. Not happening, but an awesome combination of the two. She gets "fustrated," and goes to the "libary."

[animalcrackers]

English is my mom.s second language. And she always says that things are "hoppening." Not hopping. Not happening, but an awesome combination of the two. She gets "fustrated," and goes to the "libary."

My brother-in-law says "fusstrated" too! and english is his first language!

[TinkerbellAPixie]

My sister has always said "probally" now the whole family does it as a joke.

Also, when my family did a spoof video documentary (spoofumentary?) of the Florida Skunk Ape, my one sister played a Hispanic Character (she is a Spanish teacher so it was done lovingly not mockingly). Whenever she was asked a question she would say "por chure" for "for sure". Now I do that ALL the time too. Which makes people who do know about our skunk ape movie look at me kinda oddly.

[lestermaddox]

I have been giggling like a mad woman over this thread - and then this morning my boss says to me something about a "mute point" - and I about came unglued!! It is hard not to laugh right in your bosses face!


One of my co-workers also always prounces "wash" as "warsh" and asks people "where are you at?" Both of these drive me nuts. For the latter, I ususally reply "behind the at", of course this is lost on her as she hasn't a clue what I mean - but it makes me giggle, so it's all good!

[giffordsaz]

This is a BB reference but Sheila always talks about Scenerials instead or scenarios. I want to smack her in the head.

Oooh, that's a funny one! Does anybody else notice or are they all oblivious?

Big Brother 9 could have a chapter in your book Jampers. Between Natalie and Shelia many houseguests tried correcting them and explaining where they went off. Now the people left in the house either shake their heads or laugh.
I actually feel bad for the girls because this won't change out of the house, they have to live with it everyday.

[boozie]

There is this mail guy that walks around the office and is friends with a few folks in my department. I try to block out everything that he says however when he laughs...I can't.

"TA-HE-HE-HE-HE-HA"

Not kidding..say that crap outloud and you will know. It may not be stupid...but it sure is annoying.

[LonnaSaur]

One of my co-workers also always prounces "wash" as "warsh" and asks people "where are you at?" Both of these drive me nuts. For the latter, I ususally reply "behind the at", of course this is lost on her as she hasn't a clue what I mean - but it makes me giggle, so it's all good!

"Where are you at?" drive me crazy, too. And I have a co-worker who always says, "Is there any questions?" Uh, "questions" is plural, dummy. Saying "warsh" is somewhat common where I grew up, but my family never said it. Those same people say, "Warshington." Ugh!

[smolls]

"Where are you at?" drive me crazy, too.

That drives me nuts!!! A family friend would always answer that question with, "Between the 'A' and the 'T'."

And I have the same problem with a co-worker and to be honest, if I'm not careful I'm going to accidentally start talking like her...and that is definitely not a good thing! :scared:

[jampony]

Excellent stories, everyone! You all make me giggle. I especially like the "mute point" story because A) it was a boss who said it and it's always funny when it's proven that you're smarter than your boss and B) it reminds me of Joey Tribianni's "moo point" -- "It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo."

[angiemarie]

"Where are you at?" drive me crazy, too. And I have a co-worker who always says, "Is there any questions?" Uh, "questions" is plural, dummy. Saying "warsh" is somewhat common where I grew up, but my family never said it. Those same people say, "Warshington." Ugh!

I hate the commercials for the cell phones that use the line "Where you at?". They really get on my nerves. And I say "rilly" instead of really, unless I concentrate on how I speak.

Did you grow up in Western PA, Lonna? That's how some people say wash around here. (not me, I swear!)

[LonnaSaur]

Did you grow up in Western PA, Lonna? That's how some people say wash around here. (not me, I swear!)

Western Maryland, actually. Probably close enough, huh? Just don't tell me you go to the "libary!"

[Pekmboyd]

I have a coworker who, every time she sneezes, adds train noises to the end of it - "Achoo choo choo choo". Every. Time.

[lennonwhore]

We get a lot of "warsh" around here. Same with people adding "h" to words like "ain.t" or "is." I.ve been informed that it is a surviving dialect from the Scots-Irish immigrants. You.ll find a lot of it in the Appalachian region.

[LonnaSaur]

I have a coworker who, every time she sneezes, adds train noises to the end of it - "Achoo choo choo choo". Every. Time.

Obnoxious! Do you reply with, "Bless yoo yoo yoo?"

[lestermaddox]

LOL on the sneezes - I used to work with a girl who sneezed very tiny - just a little "choo" - and then she said Bless me. I could never figure out if she was blessing herself or asking me to bless her.

The one I work with now will yell across the room "Bless you" every frickin time I sneeze. And during some times of the year, I sneeze alot. Doesn't matter where she is in the office - or where I am - if I sneeze she is yelling "bless you".

[giffordsaz]

Obesity contributes to global warming: study
Thu May 15, 2008 7:03pm EDT

By Michael Kahn

GENEVA (Reuters) - Obesity contributes to global warming, too.

Obese and overweight people require more fuel to transport them and the food they eat, and the problem will worsen as the population literally swells in size, a team at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine says.

This adds to food shortages and higher energy prices, the school's researchers Phil Edwards and Ian Roberts wrote in the journal Lancet on Friday.

"We are all becoming heavier and it is a global responsibility," Edwards said in a telephone interview. "Obesity is a key part of the big picture."

At least 400 million adults worldwide are obese. The World Health Organization (WHO) projects by 2015, 2.3 billion adults will be overweight and more than 700 million will be obese.

In their model, the researchers pegged 40 percent of the global population as obese with a body mass index of near 30. Many nations are fast approaching or have surpassed this level, Edwards said.

BMI is a calculation of height to weight, and the normal range is usually considered to be 18 to 25, with more than 25 considered overweight and above 30 obese.

The researchers found that obese people require 1,680 daily calories to sustain normal energy and another 1,280 calories to maintain daily activities, 18 percent more than someone with a stable BMI.

Because thinner people eat less and are more likely to walk than rely on cars, a slimmer population would lower demand for fuel for transportation and for agriculture, Edwards said.

This is also important because 20 percent of greenhouse gas emissions stem from agriculture, he added.

The next step is quantifying how much a heavier population is contributing to climate change, higher fuel prices and food shortages, he added.

"Promotion of a normal distribution of BMI would reduce the global demand for, and thus the price of, food," Edwards and Roberts wrote.


Some people should just stay home and keep quiet.

[Cherie]

Amen Giff!
And by the way, every "skinny" person I've ever known eats like a horse.

[chooch850]

I apologize for creating the gas crisis, global warming and eating all the world's food supply. I will do my best to walk more, cool off, and slim down by eating smaller portions.

[Cherie]

:lol: !!!!

[angiemarie]

Yeah, blame global warming on fat people. It has nothing to do with coal-burning power plants, auto emissions, or CFC's. It's people who like twinkies and doritos a little too much.

[lestermaddox]

Okay then - it is only half my fault. I don't eat twinkies!

[abaumga2]

Here is one I heard today from my cousin:
"When an Air Force pilot is having trouble with his plane, he can ejaculate himself from the cockpit and float to the ground using a parachute"

Should pilots really be masturbating in midair?:confused:

[jampony]

Here is one I heard today from my cousin:
"When an Air Force pilot is having trouble with his plane, he can ejaculate himself from the cockpit and float to the ground using a parachute"

Should pilots really be masturbating in midair?:confused:

lmfao! :lol:

[DONNABGOOD]

Some people should just stay home and keep quiet.

Just goes to show you how blaming obese people is the last of the "safe" and socially acceptable scapegoats to make fun of.. substititue obese people with African American, Muslim, Gay and see what an uproar that stereo typing rightfully would create..I guess the researchers and the media that reports and publishes these "findings" think it's ok..but still pretty offensive to me...

back to stupid comments how about "any-hoo" and "kewl" spelled and pronunced that affected way...

[Cherie]

I prefer anyhoodle myself. Our resident Indiana Jones aka Lennonwhore coined it and I say it every chance I get. I've never understood kewl. That one bugs me.

[TinkerbellAPixie]

I work with a girl who is always telling me about all her great ideals and asking if it makes since. (this is in writing so I know it's not an accent thing).

Her ideas aren't so bad, I can't speak for her ideals, and it doesn't make SENSE.

[LonnaSaur]

I somehow managed to avoid any strangers who wanted to touch my tummy or give me "helpful" advice while I was pregnant but now that I have had my baby there is no end to the parade of complete strangers who want to tell me how to care for my child! Just yesterday I had three different people telling me I shouldn't be out of the house with my baby, even though the pediatrician said it is fine and even encourages it. I finally snapped at some guy that my doctor said it was fine and he actually replied, "Are you sure?" Unbelievable! By the time I got home I felt like a terrible mother. Ugh.

[Pekmboyd]

Poor Lonna - that part unfortunately never stops - the stares in the grocery store as you let your child scream instead of bribing him to shut up are my favorite. The good part though, is that you no longer care because the needs of your child outweigh stranger's opinions of you. I'm definitely a "dirt is good" mom - and I get a lot of looks and sighs and such from people who apparently think the universe should be disinfected.

[RachWho?]

Lonna, stay the tough cookie that you are. Idiots will try to enforce their idiocy onto you whenever they have a chance, and I guess now that you are travelling with two, it doubles your chances.

And Pek, I love that you are a "dirt is good mom." I find it so refreshing when I see parents letting their kids get dirty, experience some germs, see the world a little...that's how it's supposed to be! I vow not to be a Purel-obsessed mommy when my day comes. Experiencing germs is how we build up our immune system!

[animalcrackers]

OMG - thats my sister! the Purell-obsessed mom! it drives me crazy!! i swear my neice will never know what dirt is until she is about 10 years old!

So i say more power to ya Pek & Lonna! Do what makes you & your children happy! and screw all the rest!!

[lestermaddox]

Lonna I will tell you that parenting is 99% common sense - you know what is best for you and your family, so whatever you choose to do is the right thing.

I caught an episode of Oprah and that weird Dr. guy she has on occassionally was saying that the purell and anti-bacterial soaps, lotions, sprays, wipes etc. kill the good bacteria along with the bad - and the bad comes back first, and then your body doesn't have any resistance to fight it off. So go easy on the stuff!

Pek - dirt is good! Bugs and worms are just a bit of extra protein!

[angiemarie]

Tell those busybodies to go adopt a foster child. Since they're such experts it would be a shame for all that knowledge to go to waste.

[WeBeLo]

When my boss needs something, he'll call my extension and ask if it's the "insert need here" department. For example... If he needs paper, he'll call me and say "Is this the paper department?" If he needs one of my reports he'll say, "Hello? Report Department?" FOR EVERYTHING.

"Yes is this the photographic files department?"
"Is this the giveaways department?"
"Hello? Is this the fax department?"

It drives me crazy. I don't even give the courtesy laugh anymore. It's just stupid.

[lestermaddox]

I attended a Memorial Service today. We sang a song after every single thing the preacher said, which kind of bothered me - but after he gave the eulogy, we were quiet waiting for him to move on - when he said "Folks where I come from it is customary to say Amen at this point" to which we responded Amen - but he kept quiet until we were literally shouting and repeating the word over and over. Really out of place for where we live and for the person whose service it was.

Don't know if it qualifies as a stupid thing people say - but it has been irritating me all afternoon.

WeBeLo - thanks for the explaination of your name. I just figured you were a Cub Scouts - Webelos - We Be Loyal Scouts!

[Chrissie]

WeBeLo - thanks for the explaination of your name. I just figured you were a Cub Scouts - Webelos - We Be Loyal Scouts!

me too

[Pekmboyd]

Lonna I will tell you that parenting is 99% common sense - you know what is best for you and your family, so whatever you choose to do is the right thing.

I caught an episode of Oprah and that weird Dr. guy she has on occassionally was saying that the purell and anti-bacterial soaps, lotions, sprays, wipes etc. kill the good bacteria along with the bad - and the bad comes back first, and then your body doesn't have any resistance to fight it off. So go easy on the stuff!

Pek - dirt is good! Bugs and worms are just a bit of extra protein!

It is totally true - my son is nearly two and he's only had one minor cold and two ear infections. And he goes to daycare - so he obviously has a pretty freaking amazing immune system. He's also fearless, which is a small issue as he gets bigger and flings himself off of things, but I love that he's not afraid of anything (except mascots - we were at Red Robin and the bird came out and scared the bejebus out of the poor kid).

[lestermaddox]

LOL on the Red Robin Pek! It would scare the bejebus out of me too!!

The fearlessness will lessen a bit with his first real injury. I am not necessarily talking broken bones - but hitting hard enough to hurt for a bit and leave a bruise. But in the meantime - maybe he needs a cape!

[Hit_Em_Upton]

I got moved w/in our group to a different team (3 teams in our group). This one needed some serious clean up, and they just totally slack off all the time. I am more go-go-go (as you can tell by my posting here ). So anyway, this girl on our team listens to her radio every day, w/o headphones. It's uber annoying, she flat out refuses to change.

Whatever.

So today her station is literally playing just static. I don't know whether it is bad reception, she hit the knob, whatever the cause, it is playing static. I just politely asked her to either find a station or turn off the radio that has been blaring static for an hour… and her response was… I quote… “I can when I get a chance, (subtle dim witted awkward laugh) why is it bothering you?”. My response was “yes, the static is sort of distracting” so she says… “well that’s not my top priority right now”. I said "Seriously? Can't you just turn it off for the time being?". She then turns her head and picks up her phone to call her friend.

I started dreaming in slow motion of c*nt punting her out of her chair and her head smashing into the desk top… kinda of like that Chapel show skit where Rick James gets whole handed to the face and smacked his head into the bar...but I doubt that would be the right thing to do

[minda07]

Hugh - I say go for it - bitch deserves it

[angiemarie]

There is only one solution - SABOTAGE!

Wait until she goes to lunch and take that radio into the bathroom and drown it in the sink. Or better yet, encase it in jello like on the office.

[lestermaddox]

The radio definately needs to die.

One of the ladies I work with occasionally listens to music on her pc - she likes oldy country stuff - think 50's & 60's crap. She plays it loud enough for the whole office to hear and puts it on repeat. Like the same 5 or 6 songs over and over and over, until I have to ask for her to change it. That is bad enough - static for an hour would cause me to kill.

[TinkerbellAPixie]

I do think static would be a defense in a murder trial. I like Angie's suggestion to sabotage the radio. OR you can get a balloon and scratch on it every time she turns on+ her radio.

[minda07]

We were talking about this at my work and we all listen to the radio on our pc's but never realized that others were doing the same thing. We were happy that we all listen at a volume that only we can hear. We did have some suggestions though to get her to see it your way. Bring in your own radio and blast death metal for a few days, hum and or sing really loudly at your desk really off key, or tap your foot on your desk repeatedly with no let up until she can't take the sound anymore.

[menomor3]

Static sucks!
I think some people are so oblivious to others that they honestly don't think it's bothering any one else. My co-worker listens to talk radio all day long! Don't get me wrong, I like to be informed on current events but COME ON! If I have to listen to Rush Limbaugh talk about "Operation Chaos" one more time I'm gonna cause some chaos of my own!
Anyway, I sympathize!

[pancake451]

You could get a noise machine and set it to croaking frogs. Point it to her desk and just let the froggies croak at her all day. If she complains, tell her the frogs are zen frogs and they relax you.
Or crickets. Crickets drive me NUTS! It wouldnt take too long, and she would be itching and scratching thinking the little buggers were crawling all over her.
Or tune it to the babbling brook. She will be running to the bathroom every 5 minutes.

[lestermaddox]

You all are mean! Clever. But mean!

[Hit_Em_Upton]

***UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE***

She resigned! Wooo hoooooo!!!!

Don't let the door hit your a$$ on the way out!

[Hit_Em_Upton]

Oh, but I did have another good "stupid things people say", but this time with my boss:

My boss came up to me (Wednesday) and we had this stimulating conversation:

Terri: About your shoes…
Dave: About my shoes?
Terri: It isn’t a casual week, and you are wearing sneakers
Dave: Yea?
Terri: Why?
Dave: I have poison ivy and it would rub against my boots if I wore them, I don’t want it spreading all over my legs. It spreads, you know?
Terri: Make sure to tell me these things in the future
Dave: Tell you if I decide to wear sneakers on a random day???
Terri: Well I didn’t know you had poison ivy, I frankly don’t care if you wear sneakers or not, but when Kelly (my SECOND LINE manager….the one I now don’t really get along with due to our talk last week) asks me why you are wearing sneakers, and I don’t have an answer for her…that’s not good
Dave: You’ve got to be kidding me, how the heck does she know what shoes I am wearing? I haven’t seen her in two days?!
Terri: (shrugs)
Dave: That is seriously retarded. Ok, next time I get an illness that causes me to change up my wardrobe, I’ll be sure to email our entire team
Dave: By the way, don’t some girls wear skirts and jean material pants, and open toed shoes?!?!?!?!?
Terri: You don’t have to go over the edge like that
Dave: Well SOMEBODY had to TELL her that I was wearing sneakers. I haven’t seen Kelly at all this week so far.
Terri: I don’t know if somebody told her or not, I’m just sayin, let me know if you wear sneakers on a non-casual week
Dave: Ok. That makes sense.
Terri: I told you, I don’t care if you wear sneakers or not, but I guess Kelly does.
Dave: That’s exactly my point, why is this an issue?
Terri: (awkward stare)
Dave: (better, more uncomfortable stare)
Terri: K, I gotta go hand out this paper work
Dave: (moral victory)


So, being the smart a$$ that I am, I sent this follow up email yesterday morning, right as I got in:

"So I don’t upset the applecart, and not frustrate whoever it was that was scrutinizing my fashion choices…I thought I would keep you in the loop today.

Today I am wearing a black checked collared shirt tucked in to black slacks. I am also wearing low top black boots with black socks that have little gray check marks on them. I was sure to wear my black Fossil belt instead of my normal brown belt, because I know a brown belt with a black outfit would be a fashion faux pas. Just thought I would let you know :) "


.....she didn't respond....and yes I am looking for a new job :D

[angiemarie]

:thumbup:

Being a smartass is so much fun!

[minda07]

Love the email you sent Hugh! We have a pretty informal, more business casual office but the receptionist was always taking off her heels (you can tell she has no shoes on when people enter) I tell her to wear more comfortable shoes she can wear all day. She shows up in flip flops. I explain that I ment dressier comfortable shoes, so now she shows up in flip flop high heels!

[TinkerbellAPixie]

Hugh - you just became SO Much more attractive to me :P

Minda- maybe you should emal her photos of what is and is not acceptable - sadly, some people need it spelled out for them.

[minda07]

Hugh - you just became SO Much more attractive to me :P

Minda- maybe you should emal her photos of what is and is not acceptable - sadly, some people need it spelled out for them.

I was thinking of doing this but I still am learning I'm the boss thing - I just dont like people mad at me :o

[lestermaddox]

ICK! There was a woman who worked down the hall from me who would take her shoes off everyday and run around the building barefoot. Now I am not one to wear shoes often, they come off first thing at home - but barefoot at the office is just wrong.

and high-heeled flip flops? Sounds kind of trampy to me. Definately send pictures.

And Hugh? You are my new hero! Good luck with the job search!

[lennonwhore]

It is conversations like these when I truly realize how great of a job I have. Some days, I show up in a bikini top, cargo shorts and boots and no one even bats an eye.