flipit
06-27-2007, 08:50 PM
Several years ago, when ye olde internet was still pretty new, I applied for an online game where you had to put in your character's physical make-up -- height, weight, etc. I had no idea what a normal woman weighed, and it never occurred to me to pop those stats into Yahoo. I never knew anyone who announced their weight, and since we had many family friends who resembled the Michelin Man, I just placed my best guess. My normal woman weighed a cool 245 pounds, and her trademark was wearing leather pants and a cowboy hat. Why I wasn’t accepted for the game was baffling to me! Shaq is ready to take on that kind of mentality by whipping six young Florida fatties into shape on Shaq’s Big Challenge, and I love these kids already because I think they would've seen that 245 and raised it to a solid 4 hundo. I defy you to find anything better!
The show opens with a dramatic montage informing us that children will die younger than their parents. Right away we see one of The Chosen Six being loaded into an ambulance, glancing mournfully at the camera, and if you're anything like me then you are now officially hooked for the season. The narrator explains that the government has done nothing to stop childhood obesity, and I imagine the government is enjoying a hearty laugh at this moment. A good way to stop childhood obesity is to not let your child eat a Belgian waffle encased in a pizza, Mom.
One man is ready to take on the challenge of curing this disease, and it's Shaquille O'Neal, who immediately starts speaking in the third person. He said to himself, Shaquille O'Neal, do something. Great! He immediately calls the children the Bad News Bears of fitness, and in return, the largest boy of the crew farts on him during a sit-up. We're only one minute in and already this show is all fat jokes and fart jokes. I am in love. Shaq will provide the kids with a staff including a trainer and a nutritionist, who asks one boy the last time he ate a baby carrot. He says never, but in his defense, he's 182 pounds at age 11. He didn't gain that weight from eating baby carrots, he was too busy gnoshing on an actual baby.
Shaq plans to take this challenge to schools and the government, which seems a bit over the top for an ABC reality show. Already he seems like an asshole about all of it, slamming his fists on his gym equipment and marching pissily down the hallway. Shaq is the kind of dude who would audition for American Idol and then tell Simon that he's sooo much better than that stupid show anyway. One of his advisors tells him this will be harder than those four NBA rings he has (braggart), and Shaq shrugs it off and says everything will be easy. Sure it will be. He then announces the slogan for the show and looks so immensely proud of it, you want to like it, but it’s “To be or not to be fat, that is what the program is about.” Um. Does this series not have a writing team?
The show finally starts and Shaq says he has six kids of his own (holy shit) so this will be easy for him. He plays some basketball with his kid and jokingly berates him, or at least it sounds that way, but Shaq speaks as though he has a mouth full of marbles so it’s hard to tell. This is a shame because he’s going over plans like arriving to the governor’s office butt nekked, and I totally want the deets.
First we’re going to accompany Shaq on his trip to meet James, our boy who has never tasted a carrot. Shaq reads his stats from a notecard while he drives his car, which seems like a pretty terrible idea. James’ dream is to become a professional wrestler, and his reaction to meeting Shaq is to say “…wow.” He loves the sports figures, I see. His mouth is nearly watering from that excitement, or possibly from the sub and cheeseburger topped with fries that he’s currently shoveling into his gaping maw. Shaq expresses irritation that James is eating more than he is, and then shows off his muscles. James reaches to touch them but Shaq pulls away and says no touching. Shaq has roid rage.
James’ mom says she gives into the convenience of fast food because she’s a single parent, and when she makes popcorn she has to put two whole sticks of butter in there for the kid. Shaq is baffled and promptly gets into a disagreement with the boy about what kind of donut is better. I think it’s another joke, but Shaq raises his voice so his opinion can win. James burps in Shaq’s face, which pretty much settles that debate, but Shaq says he plans to make him the team captain. The smell of wet cheeseburger gets Shaq hot.
They go outside to confront a boy who calls James fat, which is sad because he seems like a sweet kid, and bullies are bad, and blah blah emocakes. When Shaq drags the bully over though and says “You are James’ friend now,” I’m pretty sure this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I guess it’s a little cooler than a parent intervening and asking him to please be nice to his baby, but not by much. The bully (named Ashley, so he has no right to mock) says they’re cool and walks away, visibly trying not to laugh. Man, James is going to get dickslapped in the school locker room soon.
Cut to Shaq randomly singing in the car, explaining that black people don’t know words, but they know melodies. He’s butchering the Cheers theme and really doesn’t know the melody that well, though he looks mighty pleased with himself, which further proves the American Idol theory. He knows he’s great, so screw the rest of you!
He’s on his way to meet Chris, a Cuban kid who wants to be a baseball player. He’s 11 and 206 pounds, and he loves big dinners. Shaq doesn’t know what Cuban people eat, but he says Cuba loves him. Chris immediately starts wheezing when Shaq comes to the door. They get ready to sit down to a meal of sausage and Chris says his greatest weakness is portion control. You have to admire that the kid understands his problem, whereas the last boy was convinced he was not fat. Shaq tells Chris’ mom muchas gracias for the food, but he trash-talks it for his confessional interview later on. They break out the baby albums next, and Shaq says, “Look at you crying.” Chris counters that every baby cries, right? He’s met with a firm “I didn’t cry.” I think Shaq is deluded enough to believe the things that come out of his mouth.
They go to Chris’ bedroom to have a chat, and he tears up about other children calling him fat. Shaq does not console him because he doesn’t understand tears. Shaq is a robot.
Next we meet a girl named Ariel, 14, 211 pounds. She seems adorable, and Shaq actually treats her nicely too, telling her she’s going to have all the boys. She stares at him and says “Duh.” Now I want her to gain weight through this program, shut up with your sass mouth. Her segment is approximately 20 seconds long because she’s rude.
Kit is our next contestant. She’s 14, 263 pounds, and into anime. Doesn’t that say it all? She draws some kind of gothic symbol onto her face with an eye pencil and Shaq announces that he loves freaks, so that’s pretty comforting. He tells the girl’s mom that Kit will be beautiful just like her, and everyone’s heart is warmed. This is sort of a backhanded compliment though, because first he called her a freak and now he says she’s ugly. I know, I’m reading too much into this, but Shaq’s a dick.
Our next boy is Kevin, age 13, who weighs 230 pounds. He starts flicking his wrist and calls himself pretty, and Shaq tells us that Kevin has been teased in school. You’re kidding! Shaq says Kevin needs to become a comedian to offset the bullying, and an example is to say, “Yeah, I got a big stomach, but tell your girl to come rub on it.” Everyone laughs because Kevin is gay.
We cut to Shaq driving to his next destination and declaring that this project will be a tough task, because now…there’s Walter. He’s 14 and 285 pounds, and it goes without saying that his face is severely acne-ridden. He appears to get breathless halfway through his sentences, and he doesn’t even get up when Shaq comes to the door. What the hell? Let’s put this boy on Tard Watch. When he does get up, I sort of wish he would’ve just stayed down because it’s all too apparent that his breasts are bigger than mine, and I’m saddened by this fact. He brings Shaq to the kitchen and shows him a cabinet full of his sippy cups and baby bottles. Shaq makes some kind of siren noise when he finds boxes and boxes of pizza on the stove, but he gives a knowing look to the camera first, so I think he’s just telling us he’s in on Tard Watch. Warning, warning, we’ve got a Code Red.
Walter plays a lot of video games in his recliner, which he’s happy to tell us about. He says one kid at school calls him Pizza Face, which is pretty obvious because he does have some “acme,” as he calls it. Seriously. I felt bad about what I wrote before for like a split second, but not anymore, sorry Walt. Shaq asks if Walter will do what he tells him to, and he grunts an answer, which totally means no. He says two boys were betting on when he’ll quit the program, and Shaq says that after he completes it, he wants him to punch those boys right in the face. What a mentor this guy is! Maybe he’ll buy Walter some weed, too. Shaq says Dr. O’Neal will rectify the situation. What qualifies him to be hosting this show, I wonder?
Walter’s ancient parents appear from nowhere and insist that he eats constantly from morning to night. For evidence they ask how much he weighs now. When even your parents are mocking you, shit is going rough, my friend. Walter is speechless with shame. He says he weighs 280, and I’m waiting for Shaq to interject that he’s actually 285, but he takes the high road. Color me shocked. Walter promises to stick to the program, but we’ll see about that.
Shaq offers some encouraging words about how he’s got a really great team, but before we go to commercial, we see highlights of the kids failing at the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge. I remember that from gym and it always sucked balls, so I can relate. Shaq says this was much harder than he thought it would be. I’m sure the girl who gets hauled off in the ambulance agrees.
After the break we meet the trainer, Dr. Carlon Colker, who is lovingly massaging Shaq’s calf. Dr. Colker is the voice of reason here, informing Shaq that meeting with the governor and conducting this whole experiment could be a big embarrassment for him. I admire his use of the words “could be,” because saying “it will be” would’ve been apt as well. Dr. Colker says it will be a tough road and Shaq says to pull out the ATVs, baby! The camera lingers on Shaq just long enough to let you know this is the best line he’s got. Swell.
Now it’s time for the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge, which James finds hard to say. It’s a lot of syllables, baby, I feel you. The test consists of push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, and a mile run. Dr. Colker says this shouldn’t be a problem, right? He’s no longer the voice of reason and now just a fellow idiot.
As the kids lament that they’ve never been able to do push-ups, it’s obvious that Kit is wearing eye makeup and earrings, which irritates me. Who wears accessories to work out on a hot day in Miami, especially when she’s obese? Kit says her problem is that everywhere you go, it’s just a big food sign saying to eat me. Fittingly, she briefly resembles the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
The kids line up to do their push-ups, and Chris goes first. He caves before he can even do one, but Shaq pats him on the ass as a reward. Chris is disappointed at his progress, and the jury is out on the bottom slap. Ariel comes up next and also fails, but she has confidence that’ll change. I like this attitude but I’m still put off by her prior sass mouth. I’m holding a grudge with a 14-year-old.
Walter immediately collapses underneath his own weight, but he says it’s the closest he’s ever come to doing a push-up. Kevin gives him a side glance as if to say, “Girl, I know you did not.” He manages to pull off six push-ups, the most out of anyone, so he’s proud even though Dr. Colker says he should’ve done 24.
It’s time for sit-ups, and the kids roll about while Colker gleefully shouts “None!” Jubilee! Walter sprawls out for his turn and lets that ripper fly. Colker appears to laugh so hard he falls down. Remind me to hire this guy as my personal trainer should I ever find myself in the Sunshine State. He tells Shaq that all of these kids are in terrible shape, and Shaq slams his fist into a metal pole and says he doesn’t like this test. I wish I were kidding. He then turns green and explodes out of his garments.
After he calms himself, he encourages the kids to pick their heads up and stop being down, because it’s time to run the mile. They start to trot and Walter takes the lead, prompting Kevin’s mom to yell “Go Walter!” adorably. Then he immediately falls behind. Kevin jogs along at a solid pace while his dad encourages him. His mom just likes Walter more, I suppose. We’re back to him again, and Shaq says he’s basically his favorite at this point, so I guess that means James isn’t the team captain anymore. It was probably not a smart idea to establish that with the first kid he met anyway.
Kevin and James finish, followed by Chris and the girls. Walter is still makin’ it happen (oh, great), so Shaq forces everyone to band together and run with him. This is a sweet gesture but you can see in some of their faces that they’re like, what the hell? We already ran our mile. Walter says everyone cheered for him and it felt good. Shaq and the doctor agree that things are going great, but as soon as the kids are gone, they talk crap about what the kids couldn’t do. They flunked, says Shaq! This guy is so helpful, I can hardly take it.
Back at his house, Shaq interacts awkwardly with one of his children and makes phone calls to find a childhood obesity specialist. He has never heard of ye olde internet, I suppose. The woman on the other line says, “You wanted to WHAT?” Mouth full of marbles, I’m telling you. He listens to different automated messages on telephone lines and keeps asking if anyone is there, hello, hello? Shaq can barely function in daily life. He finally gets in touch with a specialist and then works his child to the bone. The kid is like three, and when he misses a basket, Shaq has him do push-ups and sprints.
The show opens with a dramatic montage informing us that children will die younger than their parents. Right away we see one of The Chosen Six being loaded into an ambulance, glancing mournfully at the camera, and if you're anything like me then you are now officially hooked for the season. The narrator explains that the government has done nothing to stop childhood obesity, and I imagine the government is enjoying a hearty laugh at this moment. A good way to stop childhood obesity is to not let your child eat a Belgian waffle encased in a pizza, Mom.
One man is ready to take on the challenge of curing this disease, and it's Shaquille O'Neal, who immediately starts speaking in the third person. He said to himself, Shaquille O'Neal, do something. Great! He immediately calls the children the Bad News Bears of fitness, and in return, the largest boy of the crew farts on him during a sit-up. We're only one minute in and already this show is all fat jokes and fart jokes. I am in love. Shaq will provide the kids with a staff including a trainer and a nutritionist, who asks one boy the last time he ate a baby carrot. He says never, but in his defense, he's 182 pounds at age 11. He didn't gain that weight from eating baby carrots, he was too busy gnoshing on an actual baby.
Shaq plans to take this challenge to schools and the government, which seems a bit over the top for an ABC reality show. Already he seems like an asshole about all of it, slamming his fists on his gym equipment and marching pissily down the hallway. Shaq is the kind of dude who would audition for American Idol and then tell Simon that he's sooo much better than that stupid show anyway. One of his advisors tells him this will be harder than those four NBA rings he has (braggart), and Shaq shrugs it off and says everything will be easy. Sure it will be. He then announces the slogan for the show and looks so immensely proud of it, you want to like it, but it’s “To be or not to be fat, that is what the program is about.” Um. Does this series not have a writing team?
The show finally starts and Shaq says he has six kids of his own (holy shit) so this will be easy for him. He plays some basketball with his kid and jokingly berates him, or at least it sounds that way, but Shaq speaks as though he has a mouth full of marbles so it’s hard to tell. This is a shame because he’s going over plans like arriving to the governor’s office butt nekked, and I totally want the deets.
First we’re going to accompany Shaq on his trip to meet James, our boy who has never tasted a carrot. Shaq reads his stats from a notecard while he drives his car, which seems like a pretty terrible idea. James’ dream is to become a professional wrestler, and his reaction to meeting Shaq is to say “…wow.” He loves the sports figures, I see. His mouth is nearly watering from that excitement, or possibly from the sub and cheeseburger topped with fries that he’s currently shoveling into his gaping maw. Shaq expresses irritation that James is eating more than he is, and then shows off his muscles. James reaches to touch them but Shaq pulls away and says no touching. Shaq has roid rage.
James’ mom says she gives into the convenience of fast food because she’s a single parent, and when she makes popcorn she has to put two whole sticks of butter in there for the kid. Shaq is baffled and promptly gets into a disagreement with the boy about what kind of donut is better. I think it’s another joke, but Shaq raises his voice so his opinion can win. James burps in Shaq’s face, which pretty much settles that debate, but Shaq says he plans to make him the team captain. The smell of wet cheeseburger gets Shaq hot.
They go outside to confront a boy who calls James fat, which is sad because he seems like a sweet kid, and bullies are bad, and blah blah emocakes. When Shaq drags the bully over though and says “You are James’ friend now,” I’m pretty sure this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I guess it’s a little cooler than a parent intervening and asking him to please be nice to his baby, but not by much. The bully (named Ashley, so he has no right to mock) says they’re cool and walks away, visibly trying not to laugh. Man, James is going to get dickslapped in the school locker room soon.
Cut to Shaq randomly singing in the car, explaining that black people don’t know words, but they know melodies. He’s butchering the Cheers theme and really doesn’t know the melody that well, though he looks mighty pleased with himself, which further proves the American Idol theory. He knows he’s great, so screw the rest of you!
He’s on his way to meet Chris, a Cuban kid who wants to be a baseball player. He’s 11 and 206 pounds, and he loves big dinners. Shaq doesn’t know what Cuban people eat, but he says Cuba loves him. Chris immediately starts wheezing when Shaq comes to the door. They get ready to sit down to a meal of sausage and Chris says his greatest weakness is portion control. You have to admire that the kid understands his problem, whereas the last boy was convinced he was not fat. Shaq tells Chris’ mom muchas gracias for the food, but he trash-talks it for his confessional interview later on. They break out the baby albums next, and Shaq says, “Look at you crying.” Chris counters that every baby cries, right? He’s met with a firm “I didn’t cry.” I think Shaq is deluded enough to believe the things that come out of his mouth.
They go to Chris’ bedroom to have a chat, and he tears up about other children calling him fat. Shaq does not console him because he doesn’t understand tears. Shaq is a robot.
Next we meet a girl named Ariel, 14, 211 pounds. She seems adorable, and Shaq actually treats her nicely too, telling her she’s going to have all the boys. She stares at him and says “Duh.” Now I want her to gain weight through this program, shut up with your sass mouth. Her segment is approximately 20 seconds long because she’s rude.
Kit is our next contestant. She’s 14, 263 pounds, and into anime. Doesn’t that say it all? She draws some kind of gothic symbol onto her face with an eye pencil and Shaq announces that he loves freaks, so that’s pretty comforting. He tells the girl’s mom that Kit will be beautiful just like her, and everyone’s heart is warmed. This is sort of a backhanded compliment though, because first he called her a freak and now he says she’s ugly. I know, I’m reading too much into this, but Shaq’s a dick.
Our next boy is Kevin, age 13, who weighs 230 pounds. He starts flicking his wrist and calls himself pretty, and Shaq tells us that Kevin has been teased in school. You’re kidding! Shaq says Kevin needs to become a comedian to offset the bullying, and an example is to say, “Yeah, I got a big stomach, but tell your girl to come rub on it.” Everyone laughs because Kevin is gay.
We cut to Shaq driving to his next destination and declaring that this project will be a tough task, because now…there’s Walter. He’s 14 and 285 pounds, and it goes without saying that his face is severely acne-ridden. He appears to get breathless halfway through his sentences, and he doesn’t even get up when Shaq comes to the door. What the hell? Let’s put this boy on Tard Watch. When he does get up, I sort of wish he would’ve just stayed down because it’s all too apparent that his breasts are bigger than mine, and I’m saddened by this fact. He brings Shaq to the kitchen and shows him a cabinet full of his sippy cups and baby bottles. Shaq makes some kind of siren noise when he finds boxes and boxes of pizza on the stove, but he gives a knowing look to the camera first, so I think he’s just telling us he’s in on Tard Watch. Warning, warning, we’ve got a Code Red.
Walter plays a lot of video games in his recliner, which he’s happy to tell us about. He says one kid at school calls him Pizza Face, which is pretty obvious because he does have some “acme,” as he calls it. Seriously. I felt bad about what I wrote before for like a split second, but not anymore, sorry Walt. Shaq asks if Walter will do what he tells him to, and he grunts an answer, which totally means no. He says two boys were betting on when he’ll quit the program, and Shaq says that after he completes it, he wants him to punch those boys right in the face. What a mentor this guy is! Maybe he’ll buy Walter some weed, too. Shaq says Dr. O’Neal will rectify the situation. What qualifies him to be hosting this show, I wonder?
Walter’s ancient parents appear from nowhere and insist that he eats constantly from morning to night. For evidence they ask how much he weighs now. When even your parents are mocking you, shit is going rough, my friend. Walter is speechless with shame. He says he weighs 280, and I’m waiting for Shaq to interject that he’s actually 285, but he takes the high road. Color me shocked. Walter promises to stick to the program, but we’ll see about that.
Shaq offers some encouraging words about how he’s got a really great team, but before we go to commercial, we see highlights of the kids failing at the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge. I remember that from gym and it always sucked balls, so I can relate. Shaq says this was much harder than he thought it would be. I’m sure the girl who gets hauled off in the ambulance agrees.
After the break we meet the trainer, Dr. Carlon Colker, who is lovingly massaging Shaq’s calf. Dr. Colker is the voice of reason here, informing Shaq that meeting with the governor and conducting this whole experiment could be a big embarrassment for him. I admire his use of the words “could be,” because saying “it will be” would’ve been apt as well. Dr. Colker says it will be a tough road and Shaq says to pull out the ATVs, baby! The camera lingers on Shaq just long enough to let you know this is the best line he’s got. Swell.
Now it’s time for the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge, which James finds hard to say. It’s a lot of syllables, baby, I feel you. The test consists of push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, and a mile run. Dr. Colker says this shouldn’t be a problem, right? He’s no longer the voice of reason and now just a fellow idiot.
As the kids lament that they’ve never been able to do push-ups, it’s obvious that Kit is wearing eye makeup and earrings, which irritates me. Who wears accessories to work out on a hot day in Miami, especially when she’s obese? Kit says her problem is that everywhere you go, it’s just a big food sign saying to eat me. Fittingly, she briefly resembles the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
The kids line up to do their push-ups, and Chris goes first. He caves before he can even do one, but Shaq pats him on the ass as a reward. Chris is disappointed at his progress, and the jury is out on the bottom slap. Ariel comes up next and also fails, but she has confidence that’ll change. I like this attitude but I’m still put off by her prior sass mouth. I’m holding a grudge with a 14-year-old.
Walter immediately collapses underneath his own weight, but he says it’s the closest he’s ever come to doing a push-up. Kevin gives him a side glance as if to say, “Girl, I know you did not.” He manages to pull off six push-ups, the most out of anyone, so he’s proud even though Dr. Colker says he should’ve done 24.
It’s time for sit-ups, and the kids roll about while Colker gleefully shouts “None!” Jubilee! Walter sprawls out for his turn and lets that ripper fly. Colker appears to laugh so hard he falls down. Remind me to hire this guy as my personal trainer should I ever find myself in the Sunshine State. He tells Shaq that all of these kids are in terrible shape, and Shaq slams his fist into a metal pole and says he doesn’t like this test. I wish I were kidding. He then turns green and explodes out of his garments.
After he calms himself, he encourages the kids to pick their heads up and stop being down, because it’s time to run the mile. They start to trot and Walter takes the lead, prompting Kevin’s mom to yell “Go Walter!” adorably. Then he immediately falls behind. Kevin jogs along at a solid pace while his dad encourages him. His mom just likes Walter more, I suppose. We’re back to him again, and Shaq says he’s basically his favorite at this point, so I guess that means James isn’t the team captain anymore. It was probably not a smart idea to establish that with the first kid he met anyway.
Kevin and James finish, followed by Chris and the girls. Walter is still makin’ it happen (oh, great), so Shaq forces everyone to band together and run with him. This is a sweet gesture but you can see in some of their faces that they’re like, what the hell? We already ran our mile. Walter says everyone cheered for him and it felt good. Shaq and the doctor agree that things are going great, but as soon as the kids are gone, they talk crap about what the kids couldn’t do. They flunked, says Shaq! This guy is so helpful, I can hardly take it.
Back at his house, Shaq interacts awkwardly with one of his children and makes phone calls to find a childhood obesity specialist. He has never heard of ye olde internet, I suppose. The woman on the other line says, “You wanted to WHAT?” Mouth full of marbles, I’m telling you. He listens to different automated messages on telephone lines and keeps asking if anyone is there, hello, hello? Shaq can barely function in daily life. He finally gets in touch with a specialist and then works his child to the bone. The kid is like three, and when he misses a basket, Shaq has him do push-ups and sprints.