flipit
07-02-2007, 04:08 PM
The X Effect is the latest dating show from MTV, the station behind such thought-provoking shows as Next and Exposed.* But instead of rejecting desperate uggos on sight or forcing strangers to reveal that they once accidentally crapped themselves during sex, participants on The X Effect are encouraged by MTV to have sex with their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend while their current loves secretly look on! Part manipulation, part voyeurism, a whole lot of crazies. I love it already.
In this episode, we are introduced to BJ & Tiffany and Racquia & Geno. We're told that BJ and Racquia were high school sweethearts that broke up when BJ went off to college. I've never understood why anyone would willingly call themselves BJ. Maybe this says something about me, but I'm always going to think dirty things when I hear the name BJ. He might as well call himself Vagina. Or Fellatio. Or Chlamydia (which actually has a nice ring to it if you can separate the word from thoughts of burning pee and penile discharge). And I'm sure each one of those names would fit quite nicely for this young man. Names aside, BJ is a fairly attractive guy, and his college education puts him in a rather exclusive group of MTV dating show participants -- people who must actually be literate. Not to say that he's actually smart- he's on The X Effect people- but compared to the average participant he's probably a super genius.
As for Racquia, well she's a little rough. My notes actually read "looks a little like a drag queen" and really, I don't think much more explanation is necessary. She's wearing a Jamaica zipped shirt, a huge gold name necklace and her jeans are ripped across the entire width of the leg in multiple places, circa 1992. Oy. She seems confident and happy, meaning she's probably batshit crazy. We all know that MTV does NOT cast normal people.
BJ's girlfriend Tiffany is one of those girls that Bender warned Claire about- you can see can sorta see the thin person inside (who I think is Brandy in this case). But now Brandy is covered with blubber and we have Tiffany. She also needs to be told that plucking her eyebrows super thin will not make her waist super thin. There is no connection, sweetie, except now you're fat with scary, skinny eyebrows. She seems nervous and insecure, clinging onto BJ's arm for an uphill walk that I only imagine made one of BJ's lungs collapse.
Racquia's boyfriend Geno now is a total stud. He's rocking a beer gut, a goatee/mustache combo and a powder-blue velor two-piece jumpsuit. It's a little reminiscent of Bedtime Bear. Rrrrroar! He swaggers around like he thinks he's a phat playa, but hell, even suburban kids could beat this fool up. Blind suburban kids. With no arms.
The two couples reach the top of a hill- Tiffany gasping and weezing, natch- where they come face to face. Racquia greets Tiffany in a friendly way, which Tiffany just ignores. To be fair, girlfriend is trying to suck in air and those sausage jeans she's squeezed herself into aren't doing her any favors.
The voiceover explains to the viewer that the two couples have agreed to come to a private spa resort for a weekend, knowing that the other couple would be there as well. The twist is that only the exes- BJ and Racquia- will be invited to stay. Now, putting that twist aside, why the hell would anyone agree to be on a show that shacks you up with your sweetie's ex for an entire weekend? How does that conversation even go? "Hey, Tiffany, babe. So I was thinking we could go to some spa for the weekend and hang out with my ex-girlfriend Racquia and her boyfriend Geno. Why? Well, so I can get a BJ. What? I mean so I can get over BJ and Racquia. It'll be great." or "Hey, Racquia, I've been trying to figure out if you're a dude now for 4 months, but my Carebear Stare just ain't working. I think we should go meet up with BJ and Tiffany and BJ can let me know whether you're a post-op trannie or what. As an added bonus, I get to see if you're a dirty whore who will cheat on me in just a few days. What do you say?" I mean, I can't imagine anyone agreeing to be on this show in the first place, unless they were some attention-seeking, fame-whoring... ah, okay, question answered. Moving on!
So the host comes out to greet our two couples. MTV doesn't even bother to give this guy a name since he's the biggest tool they've had since the ROADMASTER on the alcoholism-inducing Road Rules revival. Dressed in a safari outfit and acne, the host/cabana boy tells the couples that BJ and Racquia were staying and Geno had to roll Tiffany down the hill and back home. Everyone handles this pretty calmly, and off they go.
BJ and Racquia are given a quick tour of the resort on the way to their room, and the extras MTV has in the background lounging by the pool and walking around could not look more fake if they had stuck mannequins in pool chairs. We also never see another "fellow guest" the rest of the episode, so I'm not sure why they even bothered here. I really need to stop trying to apply logic to "reality" tv. It's killing my brain.
Cabana boy takes BJ and Racquia to their room, where he tells them that there are two beds but they can sleep wherever they like, which sunk as fast as Tiffany in a pool. BJ and Racquia reminisce over pictures of them together placed throughout the room, but all I can notice is that Racquia used to line her lips with a lipliner 25 times darker than her lipstick. Dear god woman, please sign up for What Not to Wear next. BJ says that Racquia is way hotter than she was back in high school, which confirms my suspicion that she was, indeed, a dude.
Meanwhile, Cabana boy has directed Tiffany and Bedtime Bear back to the resort and herded them into a separate room. They're told that they will be sequestered together all weekend and allowed to spy on Rac and BJ.
BJ and Racquia are at dinner, while Tiffany and Bedtime Bear watch and listen on their TV screen. Tiffany is wearing a white bathrobe over her regular clothes, probably because her pants finally rebelled and burst at the seams. They hear BJ say that he doesn't want to be tied down, and Tiffany pissily says that she thought the relationship was serious. They then hear Racquia say that she's not serious about anybody other than herself and God. Wow. A college educated guy and a religious girl? Someone at MTV really fucked up the casting for this episode. Instead of being upset by Racquia's words, Bedtime Bear, ever the opportunist, tries to make a move on Tiffany. Tiffany is playing solitare and Bedtime Bear tells her that solitaire is a lonely man's game, and instead she could be "occupied and satisfied." At which point I paused my TiVo and curled into the fetal position and cried. After I recovered, shaky but stable, I was relieved to see Tiffany reject Bedtime Bear's smooth moves.
The next day, Cabana boy presents Tiffany, who like any fat girl is inhaling her emotions in the form of food, and Bedtime Bear with an option of two activities for BJ and Racquia. The choice is basketball and no spying or a couples massage and spying. Tiffany and Bedtime Bear opt for the couples massage.
At the couples massage, with Tiffany and Bedtime Bear watching, BJ and Racquia meet their dirty instructor who immediately announces that she's going to take BJ through some strokes. Racquia is appalled because of her serious relationship with God, and announces that she may not be able to massage BJ because she has carpal tunnel syndrome. Tsk, tsk, isn't lying a sin too huh Racquia?! We then see BJ, bare-chested, massaging Racquia. It appears that Tiffany's been teaching BJ the way of the french fry, for he's looking quite pudgy. It's not a good show when the post-op trannie is the best looking one of the bunch. Tiffany is upset with what she sees and Bedtime Bear continues to work his magical, gut blowing powers of seduction on her.
After the massage, Rac and BJ are informed that they have been upgraded to the honeymoon suite, where there is only one bed. Racquia freaks out upon seeing this, for God is the only one who shall fill her in the night. She talks privately of the power the BJ holds over her, and we see her demanding to know where the two of them will each sleep that night. BJ tells us that he's not on vacation just to sleep on the couch. Hmm...
Rac and BJ go off to another dinner. Cabana boy asks Tiffany and Bedtime Bear if they'd like to send a microphone-planted bottle of champagne to the exes. The microphone runs for 5 minutes until the battery runs out. Tiffany- who evidently never stops eating and is chowing down again- and Bedtime Bear decide to send the bubbly, which some poor MTV intern laces with roofies to try to produce some excitement between Racquia and BJ.
During the meal, BJ announces that while Rac knows that he doesn't do poetry, he has a little something for her. He then pulls out prepared notecards and begins reading from them. Thousand bucks those were frantically scribbled out by the same intern who's facing jail time- not to mention the wrath of the Lord- for drugging Racquia. I can just see some producer screaming "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THESE TWO FUCK!" It's a classy show, I'm telling you. For the record, the poem includes such gems as "My ex-lover (gasp! what would God say, Rac?), my good friend, who knows maybe one day we'll be together again." That doesn't really do anything for me- besides make me laugh- but then again I'm not all roofied up.
Upon hearing this exchange, Tiffany is devastated whereas Bedtime Bear can barely keep the grin of success off his face. We see BJ and Racquia saying goodnight to each other, with BJ in the bed and Racquia on the couch (dammit, BJ said he didn't come on vacation to sleep on the fucking couch and he's sticking with that!). The producers then cut to Bedtime Bear eagerly pushing two beds together, and then Tiffany straddling Bedtime Bear in a pink negligee and rubbing his man boobs around.
After I yet again uncurl from the fetal position, it is the next morning and Cabana boy hands not-living-up-to-his-name BJ and Racquia maps. Rac's map leads her to Tiffany sitting on a bench. Tiffany, who has clearly gotten rabies from her fling with Bedtime Bear, speaks in a creepy singsong voice and bugs out her eyes as she tells Rac that she and Bedtime Bear have been at the same resort all weekend. Racquia is unruffled, having done nothing wrong, which angers a guilty Tiffany. Tiffany tells us that she thinks Racquia was acting calm just to piss her off, and then runs off in search of a bucket of lard in which to feast her starving emotions.
Meanwhile, BJ has used his map to find Bedtime Bear (although everyone knows he lives up on a cloud in Care-a-lot. Hellllo). Bedtime Bear doesn't waste anytime to tell BJ that his girl looked real nice in that little pink lingerie, further proving how delusional this man is. BJ takes that news calmly, but tells us that he didn't disrespect Tiffany and he hopes Tiffany didn't disrespect him. Good luck with that.
Tiffany and Bedtime Bear leave the exes to make their decisions- do they want to stay with their current squeeze or try to give their ex another shot? Both BJ and Racquia make their decisions fairly quickly and it appears easily. Seeing as though they had about as much chemistry as George and Izzie, it's pretty easy to figure out what they decided.
Racquia seeks out Bedtime Bear, who greets her like nothing is wrong. Racquia, still as confident and happy as she was at the beginning of the weekend (damn you MTV casting director, where are my crazies?! Dont you have an extra Tina or Beth lying around somewhere?), informs Bedtime Bear that she's picked him, and he acts like a magnanimous prick and takes her back, somehow conveniently forgetting to mention it was him who got some ass the night before. I imagine that premiere day of this episode was not a happy one in Care-a-lot. Cheer Bear had a busy day.
Tiffany is clearly pouty and sad, not having been able to locate a KFC while waiting around for BJ. She simply asks "did you?" to BJ, who begins spouting off college-boy speak about how the weekend gave him a vision of what he really wants in a relationship. BJ, who has escaped most of my criticism in this recap, then committed a mortal sin in my religion- proper English- by saying in the third person "BJ now knows what he wants." He's officially dead to me.
Tiffany tells BJ that she saw things that were really hurtful and upsetting, and he correctly grows a pair and points out that Bedtime Bear saw her in her pink tent, i mean negligee. Tiffany quickly covers her (large) ass by telling him that she brought it for BJ to see and that nothing happened between her and Bedtime Bear. BJ announces that "BJ accepts your explanation. BJ also needs to stop popping his collared shirt."
Bj informs Tiffany that he chose to stay with her, for he'd rather deal with extra fat than extra genitalia. Surprisingly, it appears that Tiffany has indeed fallen victim to the Carebear Stare, for she informs BJ that she thinks they should just be friends and walks away.
Greatly surprised, BJ tells us that he genuinely wanted to be with Tiffany, but she walked away like she didn't care at all. She did care, I'm sure, but was entranced by the wafting smells of pepperoni from the pizza the production staff was enjoying earlier. So goes life. If BJ values his other non-collapsed lung he'll realize he's actually a pretty lucky guy.
In this episode, we are introduced to BJ & Tiffany and Racquia & Geno. We're told that BJ and Racquia were high school sweethearts that broke up when BJ went off to college. I've never understood why anyone would willingly call themselves BJ. Maybe this says something about me, but I'm always going to think dirty things when I hear the name BJ. He might as well call himself Vagina. Or Fellatio. Or Chlamydia (which actually has a nice ring to it if you can separate the word from thoughts of burning pee and penile discharge). And I'm sure each one of those names would fit quite nicely for this young man. Names aside, BJ is a fairly attractive guy, and his college education puts him in a rather exclusive group of MTV dating show participants -- people who must actually be literate. Not to say that he's actually smart- he's on The X Effect people- but compared to the average participant he's probably a super genius.
As for Racquia, well she's a little rough. My notes actually read "looks a little like a drag queen" and really, I don't think much more explanation is necessary. She's wearing a Jamaica zipped shirt, a huge gold name necklace and her jeans are ripped across the entire width of the leg in multiple places, circa 1992. Oy. She seems confident and happy, meaning she's probably batshit crazy. We all know that MTV does NOT cast normal people.
BJ's girlfriend Tiffany is one of those girls that Bender warned Claire about- you can see can sorta see the thin person inside (who I think is Brandy in this case). But now Brandy is covered with blubber and we have Tiffany. She also needs to be told that plucking her eyebrows super thin will not make her waist super thin. There is no connection, sweetie, except now you're fat with scary, skinny eyebrows. She seems nervous and insecure, clinging onto BJ's arm for an uphill walk that I only imagine made one of BJ's lungs collapse.
Racquia's boyfriend Geno now is a total stud. He's rocking a beer gut, a goatee/mustache combo and a powder-blue velor two-piece jumpsuit. It's a little reminiscent of Bedtime Bear. Rrrrroar! He swaggers around like he thinks he's a phat playa, but hell, even suburban kids could beat this fool up. Blind suburban kids. With no arms.
The two couples reach the top of a hill- Tiffany gasping and weezing, natch- where they come face to face. Racquia greets Tiffany in a friendly way, which Tiffany just ignores. To be fair, girlfriend is trying to suck in air and those sausage jeans she's squeezed herself into aren't doing her any favors.
The voiceover explains to the viewer that the two couples have agreed to come to a private spa resort for a weekend, knowing that the other couple would be there as well. The twist is that only the exes- BJ and Racquia- will be invited to stay. Now, putting that twist aside, why the hell would anyone agree to be on a show that shacks you up with your sweetie's ex for an entire weekend? How does that conversation even go? "Hey, Tiffany, babe. So I was thinking we could go to some spa for the weekend and hang out with my ex-girlfriend Racquia and her boyfriend Geno. Why? Well, so I can get a BJ. What? I mean so I can get over BJ and Racquia. It'll be great." or "Hey, Racquia, I've been trying to figure out if you're a dude now for 4 months, but my Carebear Stare just ain't working. I think we should go meet up with BJ and Tiffany and BJ can let me know whether you're a post-op trannie or what. As an added bonus, I get to see if you're a dirty whore who will cheat on me in just a few days. What do you say?" I mean, I can't imagine anyone agreeing to be on this show in the first place, unless they were some attention-seeking, fame-whoring... ah, okay, question answered. Moving on!
So the host comes out to greet our two couples. MTV doesn't even bother to give this guy a name since he's the biggest tool they've had since the ROADMASTER on the alcoholism-inducing Road Rules revival. Dressed in a safari outfit and acne, the host/cabana boy tells the couples that BJ and Racquia were staying and Geno had to roll Tiffany down the hill and back home. Everyone handles this pretty calmly, and off they go.
BJ and Racquia are given a quick tour of the resort on the way to their room, and the extras MTV has in the background lounging by the pool and walking around could not look more fake if they had stuck mannequins in pool chairs. We also never see another "fellow guest" the rest of the episode, so I'm not sure why they even bothered here. I really need to stop trying to apply logic to "reality" tv. It's killing my brain.
Cabana boy takes BJ and Racquia to their room, where he tells them that there are two beds but they can sleep wherever they like, which sunk as fast as Tiffany in a pool. BJ and Racquia reminisce over pictures of them together placed throughout the room, but all I can notice is that Racquia used to line her lips with a lipliner 25 times darker than her lipstick. Dear god woman, please sign up for What Not to Wear next. BJ says that Racquia is way hotter than she was back in high school, which confirms my suspicion that she was, indeed, a dude.
Meanwhile, Cabana boy has directed Tiffany and Bedtime Bear back to the resort and herded them into a separate room. They're told that they will be sequestered together all weekend and allowed to spy on Rac and BJ.
BJ and Racquia are at dinner, while Tiffany and Bedtime Bear watch and listen on their TV screen. Tiffany is wearing a white bathrobe over her regular clothes, probably because her pants finally rebelled and burst at the seams. They hear BJ say that he doesn't want to be tied down, and Tiffany pissily says that she thought the relationship was serious. They then hear Racquia say that she's not serious about anybody other than herself and God. Wow. A college educated guy and a religious girl? Someone at MTV really fucked up the casting for this episode. Instead of being upset by Racquia's words, Bedtime Bear, ever the opportunist, tries to make a move on Tiffany. Tiffany is playing solitare and Bedtime Bear tells her that solitaire is a lonely man's game, and instead she could be "occupied and satisfied." At which point I paused my TiVo and curled into the fetal position and cried. After I recovered, shaky but stable, I was relieved to see Tiffany reject Bedtime Bear's smooth moves.
The next day, Cabana boy presents Tiffany, who like any fat girl is inhaling her emotions in the form of food, and Bedtime Bear with an option of two activities for BJ and Racquia. The choice is basketball and no spying or a couples massage and spying. Tiffany and Bedtime Bear opt for the couples massage.
At the couples massage, with Tiffany and Bedtime Bear watching, BJ and Racquia meet their dirty instructor who immediately announces that she's going to take BJ through some strokes. Racquia is appalled because of her serious relationship with God, and announces that she may not be able to massage BJ because she has carpal tunnel syndrome. Tsk, tsk, isn't lying a sin too huh Racquia?! We then see BJ, bare-chested, massaging Racquia. It appears that Tiffany's been teaching BJ the way of the french fry, for he's looking quite pudgy. It's not a good show when the post-op trannie is the best looking one of the bunch. Tiffany is upset with what she sees and Bedtime Bear continues to work his magical, gut blowing powers of seduction on her.
After the massage, Rac and BJ are informed that they have been upgraded to the honeymoon suite, where there is only one bed. Racquia freaks out upon seeing this, for God is the only one who shall fill her in the night. She talks privately of the power the BJ holds over her, and we see her demanding to know where the two of them will each sleep that night. BJ tells us that he's not on vacation just to sleep on the couch. Hmm...
Rac and BJ go off to another dinner. Cabana boy asks Tiffany and Bedtime Bear if they'd like to send a microphone-planted bottle of champagne to the exes. The microphone runs for 5 minutes until the battery runs out. Tiffany- who evidently never stops eating and is chowing down again- and Bedtime Bear decide to send the bubbly, which some poor MTV intern laces with roofies to try to produce some excitement between Racquia and BJ.
During the meal, BJ announces that while Rac knows that he doesn't do poetry, he has a little something for her. He then pulls out prepared notecards and begins reading from them. Thousand bucks those were frantically scribbled out by the same intern who's facing jail time- not to mention the wrath of the Lord- for drugging Racquia. I can just see some producer screaming "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THESE TWO FUCK!" It's a classy show, I'm telling you. For the record, the poem includes such gems as "My ex-lover (gasp! what would God say, Rac?), my good friend, who knows maybe one day we'll be together again." That doesn't really do anything for me- besides make me laugh- but then again I'm not all roofied up.
Upon hearing this exchange, Tiffany is devastated whereas Bedtime Bear can barely keep the grin of success off his face. We see BJ and Racquia saying goodnight to each other, with BJ in the bed and Racquia on the couch (dammit, BJ said he didn't come on vacation to sleep on the fucking couch and he's sticking with that!). The producers then cut to Bedtime Bear eagerly pushing two beds together, and then Tiffany straddling Bedtime Bear in a pink negligee and rubbing his man boobs around.
After I yet again uncurl from the fetal position, it is the next morning and Cabana boy hands not-living-up-to-his-name BJ and Racquia maps. Rac's map leads her to Tiffany sitting on a bench. Tiffany, who has clearly gotten rabies from her fling with Bedtime Bear, speaks in a creepy singsong voice and bugs out her eyes as she tells Rac that she and Bedtime Bear have been at the same resort all weekend. Racquia is unruffled, having done nothing wrong, which angers a guilty Tiffany. Tiffany tells us that she thinks Racquia was acting calm just to piss her off, and then runs off in search of a bucket of lard in which to feast her starving emotions.
Meanwhile, BJ has used his map to find Bedtime Bear (although everyone knows he lives up on a cloud in Care-a-lot. Hellllo). Bedtime Bear doesn't waste anytime to tell BJ that his girl looked real nice in that little pink lingerie, further proving how delusional this man is. BJ takes that news calmly, but tells us that he didn't disrespect Tiffany and he hopes Tiffany didn't disrespect him. Good luck with that.
Tiffany and Bedtime Bear leave the exes to make their decisions- do they want to stay with their current squeeze or try to give their ex another shot? Both BJ and Racquia make their decisions fairly quickly and it appears easily. Seeing as though they had about as much chemistry as George and Izzie, it's pretty easy to figure out what they decided.
Racquia seeks out Bedtime Bear, who greets her like nothing is wrong. Racquia, still as confident and happy as she was at the beginning of the weekend (damn you MTV casting director, where are my crazies?! Dont you have an extra Tina or Beth lying around somewhere?), informs Bedtime Bear that she's picked him, and he acts like a magnanimous prick and takes her back, somehow conveniently forgetting to mention it was him who got some ass the night before. I imagine that premiere day of this episode was not a happy one in Care-a-lot. Cheer Bear had a busy day.
Tiffany is clearly pouty and sad, not having been able to locate a KFC while waiting around for BJ. She simply asks "did you?" to BJ, who begins spouting off college-boy speak about how the weekend gave him a vision of what he really wants in a relationship. BJ, who has escaped most of my criticism in this recap, then committed a mortal sin in my religion- proper English- by saying in the third person "BJ now knows what he wants." He's officially dead to me.
Tiffany tells BJ that she saw things that were really hurtful and upsetting, and he correctly grows a pair and points out that Bedtime Bear saw her in her pink tent, i mean negligee. Tiffany quickly covers her (large) ass by telling him that she brought it for BJ to see and that nothing happened between her and Bedtime Bear. BJ announces that "BJ accepts your explanation. BJ also needs to stop popping his collared shirt."
Bj informs Tiffany that he chose to stay with her, for he'd rather deal with extra fat than extra genitalia. Surprisingly, it appears that Tiffany has indeed fallen victim to the Carebear Stare, for she informs BJ that she thinks they should just be friends and walks away.
Greatly surprised, BJ tells us that he genuinely wanted to be with Tiffany, but she walked away like she didn't care at all. She did care, I'm sure, but was entranced by the wafting smells of pepperoni from the pizza the production staff was enjoying earlier. So goes life. If BJ values his other non-collapsed lung he'll realize he's actually a pretty lucky guy.