flipit
07-09-2007, 12:59 PM
America’s Next Top Person Who Pretends to Be Somone Else With Way More Talent: by Jake
So here we are, it’s the fourth (I believe) episode of The Next Best Thing (cue one drooling idiot clapping) which is apparently about trying to find the best impressionist in the country? Because what, we don’t already have enough smug, jackass “celebrities” who won some competition reality show so the geniuses over at ABC decided to create yet another American Idol/talent show knock off. Oh wait, sorry about that I meant a second one (Remember The One ? Yeah neither does anyone else in America which is why the show only aired one episode before it disappeared, yet a website still remains?? Riiight makes perfect sense ABC. Though with a network that is airing a show called Bingo Night what can you expect?)
Ok, so now that I have rambled for a solid paragraph about nothing in particular, you can kind of see I have a little built up frustration. If your lucky it will come bursting out at inappropriate times throughout the recap… I bet you can’t wait.
This episode starts off with our host, Michelle Merkin (who?) catching everyone up on the past episodes and welcoming us to the semi-finals. Well at least that means this show will be over soon. I’ve gotta be honest. I have not seen more than five minutes of the show before now and the video package they showed to illustrate the “good, bad and awful” contestants makes me sooo excited to see what awesome talent they have…….or so angry that I screamed obsceneties at my tv til I passed out and hit my head on the coffee table. Whoops gonna need some ice for that, and since I had to go in the kitchen for ice I made myself a little drink, and by a little drink I mean I grabbed my bottle of vodka. I just have the feeling this show could use some booze.
Somehow our judges were able to find 28 semi-finalists. All I know is that they better not give us backstories. If I have to hear about how some idiot became a Grouch Marx impersonator because his cat died I’m gonna be really drunk.
Michelle comes walking down the stairs as stiff as she possible can and monotones a welcome to the audience before informing us that the judges will be narrowing down the semi-finalists to five finalists each week for two weeks but they are spread out over two weeks?? Okay now ABC is just trying to stretch this show as far as possible. Michelle does this weird thing when she says “…and then you America will decide who is The Next Big Thing, who” and it makes me think her programming is messed up and I secretly hope her vocal track will skip throughout the show until it culminates with her head blowing up like one of those Fembots in Austin Powers.
But then again, that’s probably just me and I take a shot as we are introduced to Cookie Watkins, a Tina Turner impersonator. How about I skip what goes on in the video intros because NO ONE CARES, and instead I’ll do a shot when they show one and then just talk about the performances. Sounds good to me too. Shot number 2!!!
Now Cookie does sound a lot like Tina and performs/dances like her. But the she looks nothing like her in the face and its completely throwing me off. Plus when she hits some of the notes it looks like she is having a stroke. But then again Lisa Ann Walter is swaying and singing along at the judges table. Is she the Paula Abdul of the show?? Please tell me she is going to slur a compliment or cry that would be so great.
The judges make lame puns and compliment Cookie, but Lisa Ann doesn’t even get to talk which makes me hope she is a drunk.
John Morgan is a Bush Impressionist. VIDEO SHOT TIME. Yay hacky presidential jokes. And he doesn’t even look like him. Yeah we get it buddy G.W. is dumb, come up with something a little more original. I’m over this guy already, he doesn’t sound like Bush except for a slight southern accent. BOOOOOO. I really hate ABC this show is boring me to death. Seriously if the judges keep making these hacky jokes I’m just going to be listing performers and their names cause it is slowly driving me crazy.
Donnie Edwards is an Elvis impersonator. He better be good cause I love Elvis. VIDEO SHOT. (Maybe I should slow down so I don’t throw up, nah!)
Alright this guy is the first one I actually like. He really sounds and moves like Elvis, he gets my vote for a finalist. Except he pretends to play the guitar but not even well. Now I’m torn. Oh that’s right I forgot I don’t care who wins.
Michelle Merkin, the worst host ever, introduces Suzanne who is a Lucille Ball impersonator. I only do half a shot for this video because I feel a little tummy rumblings and I want to make it all the way through the recap. Do not like, she just does stupid faces and sounds nothing like Lucy. Next!!!
Buck McKoy as Tim McGraw, I think I’ll skip the shot this time because country music makes me physically ill anyways and I don’t want to chance things. Lisa Ann Walter must be on something cause she’s clapping away like this is the best thing she has ever seen. Buck was boring as shit but he doesn’t sound like Tim and he has no stage presence.
Wait next up is Natalie Reid. A girl famous for being a Paris Hilton impersonator. Like people hire her for events and stuff. Now I am calling foul, how can you have somebody impersonate someone who has no talent. What is she going to film a sex tape on stage?? Double shot for this one just so I can make it through. And as much as I don’t like Paris she is way more attractive than this skank. Ooh and she’s gonna do magic??? Ooo boy. I don’t get why the audience is laughing. I want to kill this bitch..
Oh my god, when the judges are making their stupid Paris Hilton jokes they show a shot of Natalie standing next to Michelle and I almost think Michelle looks more like Paris than this Chick does. So I guess this is what it would look like if Paris had talent and no herpes.
I just saw an advil PM commercial. Geeze even ABC wants me to sleep through this show. I hope its over soon cause I’m getting a little bit drunk….zakcnmszncN:L Oh sorry fell asleep on the computer again…
Moving onn…..Stacey impersonates Shania Twain….yawn. God this show wants to be American Idol so bad they are having Michelle do intros from different parts of the theater. I fast forward through the Shania Twain performance cause this girl’s voice is hurting my ears.
Up next is some guy who’s name I don’t know who is impersonating Jay Leno, I power through my pain take another shot and fast forward through this whole segment. Let me guess he told hacky comments and did an annoying voice. Bye “Jay”
We come back from commercial and are introduced to Brigitte Valdez who impersonates Celine Dion….oh great I hate this bitch already because of who she chose to try and be. But I’m gonna have to say she does look and sound like Celine, even down to the affected French-Canadian accent when she is singing…..but then I remember again how much I despise Celine Dion and decide I have to hate this girl no matter how good she is.
Not even gonna talk about the Bono impersonator. He was super BORING. But of course Lisa Ann wants to do him….
And then apparently there is a Simon Cowell impersonator. What the f*3k?!? You impersonate a judge of another talent show. That is just LAME. Since I haven’t done a shot in a while I do one more with no chaser just to punish myself for watching this crap.
Mike Wilson, apparently sits in a chair, does an awful, awful, awful British accent and makes really bad jokes. I am starting to wonder if the audience was paid to be there and if they get more money to laugh so the show seems better. These jokes are BAD man, thank god that was quick. None of us care what the judges have to say so we move on.
I think this lady’s name is Chris America, but that doesn’t make sense. And she is a Madonna impersonator. So she is going to also put on a fake british accent and do yoga for us?? Ohhh she’s old school Madonna, so I guess the fact that she is off key goes hand in hand with old Madonna. She is boring as hell and no one even claps along. The judges hate her which makes me wonder why they even put her through to this point.
They show us two contestants who performed earlier and weren’t moved on and are a hacky Al Pacino and Robin Williams who are awful and I thank god we didn’t have to see more of there performances.
Now we find out who tonights five finalists will be and they are…. (I think they stole American Idol’s dramatic music) Now they are going to go through the group one by one and sending people home or on to the finals, trying to create drama, but I don’t care about useless manufactured drama, I like the real shit with people screaming and being drunk.
Tina Turner, Elvis Pressley, Paris Hilton (BOO SHE SUCKED!!!), G.W. Bush. And Lucillle Ball all make it to the finals. I guess good for them, except I don’t know what prize they win. I think some of these are undeserved but what do I know. I’m just drunk at two in the afternoon!!!! Weeeee….
If there is a god, I take back all those horrible things I said if you promise I never have to watch this show again.
Who will the other five finalists be? Who will win the (unknown) grand prize? Does anyone even watch this show?? Thanks for reading guys and your feedback is always welcome.
So here we are, it’s the fourth (I believe) episode of The Next Best Thing (cue one drooling idiot clapping) which is apparently about trying to find the best impressionist in the country? Because what, we don’t already have enough smug, jackass “celebrities” who won some competition reality show so the geniuses over at ABC decided to create yet another American Idol/talent show knock off. Oh wait, sorry about that I meant a second one (Remember The One ? Yeah neither does anyone else in America which is why the show only aired one episode before it disappeared, yet a website still remains?? Riiight makes perfect sense ABC. Though with a network that is airing a show called Bingo Night what can you expect?)
Ok, so now that I have rambled for a solid paragraph about nothing in particular, you can kind of see I have a little built up frustration. If your lucky it will come bursting out at inappropriate times throughout the recap… I bet you can’t wait.
This episode starts off with our host, Michelle Merkin (who?) catching everyone up on the past episodes and welcoming us to the semi-finals. Well at least that means this show will be over soon. I’ve gotta be honest. I have not seen more than five minutes of the show before now and the video package they showed to illustrate the “good, bad and awful” contestants makes me sooo excited to see what awesome talent they have…….or so angry that I screamed obsceneties at my tv til I passed out and hit my head on the coffee table. Whoops gonna need some ice for that, and since I had to go in the kitchen for ice I made myself a little drink, and by a little drink I mean I grabbed my bottle of vodka. I just have the feeling this show could use some booze.
Somehow our judges were able to find 28 semi-finalists. All I know is that they better not give us backstories. If I have to hear about how some idiot became a Grouch Marx impersonator because his cat died I’m gonna be really drunk.
Michelle comes walking down the stairs as stiff as she possible can and monotones a welcome to the audience before informing us that the judges will be narrowing down the semi-finalists to five finalists each week for two weeks but they are spread out over two weeks?? Okay now ABC is just trying to stretch this show as far as possible. Michelle does this weird thing when she says “…and then you America will decide who is The Next Big Thing, who” and it makes me think her programming is messed up and I secretly hope her vocal track will skip throughout the show until it culminates with her head blowing up like one of those Fembots in Austin Powers.
But then again, that’s probably just me and I take a shot as we are introduced to Cookie Watkins, a Tina Turner impersonator. How about I skip what goes on in the video intros because NO ONE CARES, and instead I’ll do a shot when they show one and then just talk about the performances. Sounds good to me too. Shot number 2!!!
Now Cookie does sound a lot like Tina and performs/dances like her. But the she looks nothing like her in the face and its completely throwing me off. Plus when she hits some of the notes it looks like she is having a stroke. But then again Lisa Ann Walter is swaying and singing along at the judges table. Is she the Paula Abdul of the show?? Please tell me she is going to slur a compliment or cry that would be so great.
The judges make lame puns and compliment Cookie, but Lisa Ann doesn’t even get to talk which makes me hope she is a drunk.
John Morgan is a Bush Impressionist. VIDEO SHOT TIME. Yay hacky presidential jokes. And he doesn’t even look like him. Yeah we get it buddy G.W. is dumb, come up with something a little more original. I’m over this guy already, he doesn’t sound like Bush except for a slight southern accent. BOOOOOO. I really hate ABC this show is boring me to death. Seriously if the judges keep making these hacky jokes I’m just going to be listing performers and their names cause it is slowly driving me crazy.
Donnie Edwards is an Elvis impersonator. He better be good cause I love Elvis. VIDEO SHOT. (Maybe I should slow down so I don’t throw up, nah!)
Alright this guy is the first one I actually like. He really sounds and moves like Elvis, he gets my vote for a finalist. Except he pretends to play the guitar but not even well. Now I’m torn. Oh that’s right I forgot I don’t care who wins.
Michelle Merkin, the worst host ever, introduces Suzanne who is a Lucille Ball impersonator. I only do half a shot for this video because I feel a little tummy rumblings and I want to make it all the way through the recap. Do not like, she just does stupid faces and sounds nothing like Lucy. Next!!!
Buck McKoy as Tim McGraw, I think I’ll skip the shot this time because country music makes me physically ill anyways and I don’t want to chance things. Lisa Ann Walter must be on something cause she’s clapping away like this is the best thing she has ever seen. Buck was boring as shit but he doesn’t sound like Tim and he has no stage presence.
Wait next up is Natalie Reid. A girl famous for being a Paris Hilton impersonator. Like people hire her for events and stuff. Now I am calling foul, how can you have somebody impersonate someone who has no talent. What is she going to film a sex tape on stage?? Double shot for this one just so I can make it through. And as much as I don’t like Paris she is way more attractive than this skank. Ooh and she’s gonna do magic??? Ooo boy. I don’t get why the audience is laughing. I want to kill this bitch..
Oh my god, when the judges are making their stupid Paris Hilton jokes they show a shot of Natalie standing next to Michelle and I almost think Michelle looks more like Paris than this Chick does. So I guess this is what it would look like if Paris had talent and no herpes.
I just saw an advil PM commercial. Geeze even ABC wants me to sleep through this show. I hope its over soon cause I’m getting a little bit drunk….zakcnmszncN:L Oh sorry fell asleep on the computer again…
Moving onn…..Stacey impersonates Shania Twain….yawn. God this show wants to be American Idol so bad they are having Michelle do intros from different parts of the theater. I fast forward through the Shania Twain performance cause this girl’s voice is hurting my ears.
Up next is some guy who’s name I don’t know who is impersonating Jay Leno, I power through my pain take another shot and fast forward through this whole segment. Let me guess he told hacky comments and did an annoying voice. Bye “Jay”
We come back from commercial and are introduced to Brigitte Valdez who impersonates Celine Dion….oh great I hate this bitch already because of who she chose to try and be. But I’m gonna have to say she does look and sound like Celine, even down to the affected French-Canadian accent when she is singing…..but then I remember again how much I despise Celine Dion and decide I have to hate this girl no matter how good she is.
Not even gonna talk about the Bono impersonator. He was super BORING. But of course Lisa Ann wants to do him….
And then apparently there is a Simon Cowell impersonator. What the f*3k?!? You impersonate a judge of another talent show. That is just LAME. Since I haven’t done a shot in a while I do one more with no chaser just to punish myself for watching this crap.
Mike Wilson, apparently sits in a chair, does an awful, awful, awful British accent and makes really bad jokes. I am starting to wonder if the audience was paid to be there and if they get more money to laugh so the show seems better. These jokes are BAD man, thank god that was quick. None of us care what the judges have to say so we move on.
I think this lady’s name is Chris America, but that doesn’t make sense. And she is a Madonna impersonator. So she is going to also put on a fake british accent and do yoga for us?? Ohhh she’s old school Madonna, so I guess the fact that she is off key goes hand in hand with old Madonna. She is boring as hell and no one even claps along. The judges hate her which makes me wonder why they even put her through to this point.
They show us two contestants who performed earlier and weren’t moved on and are a hacky Al Pacino and Robin Williams who are awful and I thank god we didn’t have to see more of there performances.
Now we find out who tonights five finalists will be and they are…. (I think they stole American Idol’s dramatic music) Now they are going to go through the group one by one and sending people home or on to the finals, trying to create drama, but I don’t care about useless manufactured drama, I like the real shit with people screaming and being drunk.
Tina Turner, Elvis Pressley, Paris Hilton (BOO SHE SUCKED!!!), G.W. Bush. And Lucillle Ball all make it to the finals. I guess good for them, except I don’t know what prize they win. I think some of these are undeserved but what do I know. I’m just drunk at two in the afternoon!!!! Weeeee….
If there is a god, I take back all those horrible things I said if you promise I never have to watch this show again.
Who will the other five finalists be? Who will win the (unknown) grand prize? Does anyone even watch this show?? Thanks for reading guys and your feedback is always welcome.