flipit
07-09-2007, 01:12 PM
"MAMA DO YOU LOVE ME NOW?"
by: FrickinPosh
When I first found out that I would be recapping The Simple Life Goes to Camp, I was immediately transported back to the fateful year of 1995 where I spent, to this day, the worst week of my life at summer camp. I knew that it would be a week to remember after I got locked into a Port-o-Pottie for approximately half an hour, only to be rescued by my crush (the hotter of the twins who ran the horseback riding racket) as a shivering and sniffling mess. Needless to say, my fool proof plan of marrying him after Fridays dance went right down the proverbial toilet. This was a minor blip in the week though, as evidenced by a letter to my parents that began, “MOM WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LET DAD READ THIS!!!!! I just got my period; can I still go swimming if I am wearing a pad????” Oh camp, good times indeed. Surely, whatever group is going to be shepherded by Paris & Nicole this week will not have it half as rough as I did.
This is what I thought, however, until I found out that they would be heralding over a group of child beauty pageant hopefuls. This couldn’t be more perfect when you think about it: a group of girls whose self-esteem is most likely already at rock bottom, thanks to meddling mothers who are attempting to live vicariously though them, will be instructed by PARIS HILTON & NICOLE RICHIE on the finer points of poise, beauty, dignity and integrity. Ahem…Paris Hilton has the integrity of this bag of Poppycock that I just finished (don’t judge me, when I reminisce I eat my feelings) and Nicole roughly weighs the same as the glittery tiara that these girls are chasing after, give or take a few ounces, which is not the best example of beauty, per se.
Paris and Nicole start out the day the way that any other camper would - by getting a B12 shot injected into their ass. At this point, I worry for the nurse, or at least the person wearing a blue and white STAFF shirt, because I imagine that it must be difficult to try and find some flesh on Nicole’s bony old behind. Luckily for them, Paris's shot is much easier, and why not? I mean, it’s not the first time she’s ever been stuck in the ass - Hey-O!
This narrator is kind of irritating me, Morgan Freeman he is not, and his necessity is questionable. Erroneous, Paris & Nicole venture out to the Dining Hall to get breakfast ready for the girls. They are simply aghast when they see the breakfast offerings – Cereal?! Eggs?! Why, this will never do! Kids want to eat fun food, and this surely isn’t fun. I kind of agree, and wonder why this camp, that apparently only has to serve about 20 people, couldn’t spring for donuts, or at least Lucky Charms instead of Special K. Oh wait, its beauty pageant week, that’s why. Anyway, as a solution to make this food more fun, they decide to stuff some conveniently placed piñatas with the breakfast offerings. As Nicole points out to Paris, “Your’s is the dry one, mine is the wet one.” I really, really want to make a joke here, but it practically writes itself. Thanks producers, you truly prepare for hilarity by putting some otherwise useless piñatas in the dining hall!
Breakfast is pretty unamusing considering that the girls have to break piñatas to eat. There is one highlight though, when the youngest girl, Danica, goes in for the kill on some eggs that she has just liberated from their papier mache prison and her mom Amber, who happens to look like a foot, tells her not to eat it, it’s been ON THE FLOOR. Well. If there is something more delicious to eat than floor eggs, I surely haven’t found it.
After breakfast we meet Keith, Camp Shawnee’s pageant director, because every camp nowadays has one, and he is sporting the lethal combination of a popped collar and a barely there moustache that made him look like he had just walked out of 70’s porno flick, not that I would know anything about that, and who will heretofore be known as Poppa Porn.
Nicole, who is nothing if not resourceful, takes it upon herself to try and polish Poppa Porn’s egg toss and 3-legged race trophies with a floor buffer that easily outweighs her by 20 pounds. Surprisingly, this does not work out like Nicole had planned, and even more shockingly, a trophy breaks. You really can’t blame Nicole though - after all, she showed up in her practical 4 inch heels to man the machine– clearly the fault lies squarely on the buffers poor performance. Seeing the horrified look on Poppa Porn’s face when he sashay’s into the room and discovers the broken trophy makes me think that it’s actually his own personal Mr. Fluffer of 1971 award, and not an egg toss trophy, as previously thought.
We are then treated to a montage of the mothers 'beautifying' their daughters - or as I like to see it - dressing them up like miniature whores. Amber sprays about a full can of Aquanet on Danicas hair (really, they still make Aquanet?), because honestly, who needs an ozone? It’s at this moment that I wonder how Danica spends her alone time, if she gets any that is, and I imagine her styling her Barbie’s hair, laughing and crying manically while shrieking, are you pretty now?!? You’re pretty now! DANCE BARBIE DANCE!! Why don’t you love me mom?
End of tangent. Paris then leans down to give an encouraging, or perhaps comforting, hug to one of the little beauty queens, and I rocket up from my recliner instantly trying to recall 8th grade health class and wondering if you can catch an STD through a hug - because if so, I would think the last thing a six year old would need to enhance her beauty would be gonorrhea.
After the STD Scare of ’07, Nicole and Paris decide that the people who really need to be worked on this week are the moms, and NOT their daughters. They go to Poppa Porn and present their idea of the moms competing in the camps beauty pageant and naturally, Poppa Porn loves this idea, as do I, which is indicated by the fact that I am clapping my hands and making noises like a baby seal. I can’t wait to see the reactions of the moms when they find out. Well, to say that this idea goes over well would be like saying that Paris & Nicole thought of this themselves and weren’t helped out by the producers at all (zing!).
Presented with the fact that THEY will actually have to prostitute themselves out to a panel of judges and be, subsequently, judged on their appearance is not something that they are looking forward to. I think I know why too, now I’m just being honest here, not being mean, but these moms look like shit - and believe me, I know a little something about what shit looks like, considering that I spent 20 minutes before the show cleaning up easily a pound of poo that my dog left for me - which begs the question, which one of my neighbors broke into my house and added a few drops of Visine to her water bowl? (Note to self: I must conduct an investigation later)
This is really some kind of beautiful justice; to watch this group of women, who clearly have a dazzling array of personal issues (in particular, low self-esteem) come to grips with the fact that they have to do what they pimp their young daughters out to do on a regular basis is just too sweet for words.
In preparation for the big show, Paris wants to teach the moms how to deal with the distractions they might face during the pageant, and to teach them how to focus - which in and of itself is hilarious since I believe that Paris has the attention span of a peanut - so naturally, she has them walk across a log in the camps pool while she asks them random questions and her army of studly men throw beach balls at them. As Amber walks across the log, I eagerly have both my fingers and toes crossed in hopes that she will A) fall into the water, please, please fall into the water, B) get hit in the face with a ball, better yet multiple balls (and I bet it wouldn’t be the first time, high five!), C) collapse into a nervous breakdown, or D) all of the above. In actuality, only B happened, but this was fine by me. I think the editors have taken my side in the argument that Amber is a horrible and annoying mother (I have yet to find anyone that disagrees), because she gets a close up and a slow mo of a beach ball smacking into the side of her face.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, its time to get engrossed in MRS HOT MOM!! Seriously…is that like a cruel joke? We all know what these moms look like. Before the show starts, there is a group hand holding prayer (where again I wonder about STD transmission) where Nicole speaks to the Pageant Gods. Anyway, thankfully, those lovely editors bless us with a talent portion montage. There’s only so much awkwardness I can take. We have a brief clip of a couple moms singing very softly, “Amazing Grace”. Believe me, there is nothing graceful about their stage presence. Then the more creative moms perform, I am sure to the delight of the audience (do you think they had to pay people to come in and watch this crap?), dance medleys! There’s hula mom, and I swear to GOD Krumping mom. Wow. That was painful to watch. Then comes Amber. The lovely and talented AM….oh my lord…what the hell is she doing? She’s got her thumb on her nose and she appears to be waddling around like a chicke – a toe touch?! Oh sweet merciful crap. The look on poor Danica’s face…there’s something truly special about seeing a child be absolutely mortified by their mother.
Next is the swimsuit competition. Now, I know what you all are thinking. Is it really necessary to make these moms parade around in bathing suits on national – well, cable – television? At this point, I think they have suffered enough and I think some of them might even decide to not force their daughters to do this anymore. The answer is unequivocally YES, it is absolutely necessary. As Amber walks out in her cherry print bathing suit, Nicole comments, “Those cherries look good enough to eat!” Barf. Actually, no they don’t. Thanks for ruining my love of cherries Amber. Bitch.
During the incredibly awkward stage banter between Nicole and the camps resident bald headed serial killer look alike, the following exchange takes place:
Baldie "So, what are you doing later tonight?"
Nicole: "You"
I long for a screencap here because the look of surprise (she’s Nicole Richie, for crying in the heroin, what did you think she would say?) and hopefulness that passes over Baldie’s face is just about the greatest thing I have ever seen. Next to my own reflection, of course.
Thankfully, the competition is over after that; truthfully, I don’t think I could have handled any more. They announce the winner, and I honestly could care less, in fact, I care so little that I’m not even going to tell you who won. If you really care, just watch E at any point in time, all they do is show re-runs anyway. Love you E! Kiss kiss! I am much more interested in the fact that the prize for winning is a pair of tickets to Knott’s Berry Farm, America’s reject theme park. You figure they could have at least sprung for Disneyland or something. And since Paris and Nicole are all about making people feel good about themselves (psyche!!), every mom who participated gets a present from them! We are told it’s something from BEVERLY HILLS, so you know it’s good. When everyone opens their little red boxes to find a gold charm necklace I turn my nose up and am convinced that they were actually purchased at a kiosk in the Beverly Center Mall, or at a store with no discernable name on Melrose Ave.
I digress, the show ends on a happy note, with Paris walking out of the reception hall with Danica who is now mimicking her, bug eye sunglasses, cheap looking hair extensions and all. Paris asks Danica what she wants to do now, and like any self-respecting six year old, she replies that she wants to go shopping!!! All the while, we are treated to more genius by those wacky editors as we hear Amber’s freaked out voice calling for her daughter – because, lets face it, to Paris Hilton a child is much like a puppy…you don’t have to ask permission to take a puppy out for a walk, why would it be different for a small child? – with no response. Who’s to say that The Simple Life doesn’t have a sense of humor? Everyone knows that child abduction is hilarious!
by: FrickinPosh
When I first found out that I would be recapping The Simple Life Goes to Camp, I was immediately transported back to the fateful year of 1995 where I spent, to this day, the worst week of my life at summer camp. I knew that it would be a week to remember after I got locked into a Port-o-Pottie for approximately half an hour, only to be rescued by my crush (the hotter of the twins who ran the horseback riding racket) as a shivering and sniffling mess. Needless to say, my fool proof plan of marrying him after Fridays dance went right down the proverbial toilet. This was a minor blip in the week though, as evidenced by a letter to my parents that began, “MOM WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LET DAD READ THIS!!!!! I just got my period; can I still go swimming if I am wearing a pad????” Oh camp, good times indeed. Surely, whatever group is going to be shepherded by Paris & Nicole this week will not have it half as rough as I did.
This is what I thought, however, until I found out that they would be heralding over a group of child beauty pageant hopefuls. This couldn’t be more perfect when you think about it: a group of girls whose self-esteem is most likely already at rock bottom, thanks to meddling mothers who are attempting to live vicariously though them, will be instructed by PARIS HILTON & NICOLE RICHIE on the finer points of poise, beauty, dignity and integrity. Ahem…Paris Hilton has the integrity of this bag of Poppycock that I just finished (don’t judge me, when I reminisce I eat my feelings) and Nicole roughly weighs the same as the glittery tiara that these girls are chasing after, give or take a few ounces, which is not the best example of beauty, per se.
Paris and Nicole start out the day the way that any other camper would - by getting a B12 shot injected into their ass. At this point, I worry for the nurse, or at least the person wearing a blue and white STAFF shirt, because I imagine that it must be difficult to try and find some flesh on Nicole’s bony old behind. Luckily for them, Paris's shot is much easier, and why not? I mean, it’s not the first time she’s ever been stuck in the ass - Hey-O!
This narrator is kind of irritating me, Morgan Freeman he is not, and his necessity is questionable. Erroneous, Paris & Nicole venture out to the Dining Hall to get breakfast ready for the girls. They are simply aghast when they see the breakfast offerings – Cereal?! Eggs?! Why, this will never do! Kids want to eat fun food, and this surely isn’t fun. I kind of agree, and wonder why this camp, that apparently only has to serve about 20 people, couldn’t spring for donuts, or at least Lucky Charms instead of Special K. Oh wait, its beauty pageant week, that’s why. Anyway, as a solution to make this food more fun, they decide to stuff some conveniently placed piñatas with the breakfast offerings. As Nicole points out to Paris, “Your’s is the dry one, mine is the wet one.” I really, really want to make a joke here, but it practically writes itself. Thanks producers, you truly prepare for hilarity by putting some otherwise useless piñatas in the dining hall!
Breakfast is pretty unamusing considering that the girls have to break piñatas to eat. There is one highlight though, when the youngest girl, Danica, goes in for the kill on some eggs that she has just liberated from their papier mache prison and her mom Amber, who happens to look like a foot, tells her not to eat it, it’s been ON THE FLOOR. Well. If there is something more delicious to eat than floor eggs, I surely haven’t found it.
After breakfast we meet Keith, Camp Shawnee’s pageant director, because every camp nowadays has one, and he is sporting the lethal combination of a popped collar and a barely there moustache that made him look like he had just walked out of 70’s porno flick, not that I would know anything about that, and who will heretofore be known as Poppa Porn.
Nicole, who is nothing if not resourceful, takes it upon herself to try and polish Poppa Porn’s egg toss and 3-legged race trophies with a floor buffer that easily outweighs her by 20 pounds. Surprisingly, this does not work out like Nicole had planned, and even more shockingly, a trophy breaks. You really can’t blame Nicole though - after all, she showed up in her practical 4 inch heels to man the machine– clearly the fault lies squarely on the buffers poor performance. Seeing the horrified look on Poppa Porn’s face when he sashay’s into the room and discovers the broken trophy makes me think that it’s actually his own personal Mr. Fluffer of 1971 award, and not an egg toss trophy, as previously thought.
We are then treated to a montage of the mothers 'beautifying' their daughters - or as I like to see it - dressing them up like miniature whores. Amber sprays about a full can of Aquanet on Danicas hair (really, they still make Aquanet?), because honestly, who needs an ozone? It’s at this moment that I wonder how Danica spends her alone time, if she gets any that is, and I imagine her styling her Barbie’s hair, laughing and crying manically while shrieking, are you pretty now?!? You’re pretty now! DANCE BARBIE DANCE!! Why don’t you love me mom?
End of tangent. Paris then leans down to give an encouraging, or perhaps comforting, hug to one of the little beauty queens, and I rocket up from my recliner instantly trying to recall 8th grade health class and wondering if you can catch an STD through a hug - because if so, I would think the last thing a six year old would need to enhance her beauty would be gonorrhea.
After the STD Scare of ’07, Nicole and Paris decide that the people who really need to be worked on this week are the moms, and NOT their daughters. They go to Poppa Porn and present their idea of the moms competing in the camps beauty pageant and naturally, Poppa Porn loves this idea, as do I, which is indicated by the fact that I am clapping my hands and making noises like a baby seal. I can’t wait to see the reactions of the moms when they find out. Well, to say that this idea goes over well would be like saying that Paris & Nicole thought of this themselves and weren’t helped out by the producers at all (zing!).
Presented with the fact that THEY will actually have to prostitute themselves out to a panel of judges and be, subsequently, judged on their appearance is not something that they are looking forward to. I think I know why too, now I’m just being honest here, not being mean, but these moms look like shit - and believe me, I know a little something about what shit looks like, considering that I spent 20 minutes before the show cleaning up easily a pound of poo that my dog left for me - which begs the question, which one of my neighbors broke into my house and added a few drops of Visine to her water bowl? (Note to self: I must conduct an investigation later)
This is really some kind of beautiful justice; to watch this group of women, who clearly have a dazzling array of personal issues (in particular, low self-esteem) come to grips with the fact that they have to do what they pimp their young daughters out to do on a regular basis is just too sweet for words.
In preparation for the big show, Paris wants to teach the moms how to deal with the distractions they might face during the pageant, and to teach them how to focus - which in and of itself is hilarious since I believe that Paris has the attention span of a peanut - so naturally, she has them walk across a log in the camps pool while she asks them random questions and her army of studly men throw beach balls at them. As Amber walks across the log, I eagerly have both my fingers and toes crossed in hopes that she will A) fall into the water, please, please fall into the water, B) get hit in the face with a ball, better yet multiple balls (and I bet it wouldn’t be the first time, high five!), C) collapse into a nervous breakdown, or D) all of the above. In actuality, only B happened, but this was fine by me. I think the editors have taken my side in the argument that Amber is a horrible and annoying mother (I have yet to find anyone that disagrees), because she gets a close up and a slow mo of a beach ball smacking into the side of her face.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, its time to get engrossed in MRS HOT MOM!! Seriously…is that like a cruel joke? We all know what these moms look like. Before the show starts, there is a group hand holding prayer (where again I wonder about STD transmission) where Nicole speaks to the Pageant Gods. Anyway, thankfully, those lovely editors bless us with a talent portion montage. There’s only so much awkwardness I can take. We have a brief clip of a couple moms singing very softly, “Amazing Grace”. Believe me, there is nothing graceful about their stage presence. Then the more creative moms perform, I am sure to the delight of the audience (do you think they had to pay people to come in and watch this crap?), dance medleys! There’s hula mom, and I swear to GOD Krumping mom. Wow. That was painful to watch. Then comes Amber. The lovely and talented AM….oh my lord…what the hell is she doing? She’s got her thumb on her nose and she appears to be waddling around like a chicke – a toe touch?! Oh sweet merciful crap. The look on poor Danica’s face…there’s something truly special about seeing a child be absolutely mortified by their mother.
Next is the swimsuit competition. Now, I know what you all are thinking. Is it really necessary to make these moms parade around in bathing suits on national – well, cable – television? At this point, I think they have suffered enough and I think some of them might even decide to not force their daughters to do this anymore. The answer is unequivocally YES, it is absolutely necessary. As Amber walks out in her cherry print bathing suit, Nicole comments, “Those cherries look good enough to eat!” Barf. Actually, no they don’t. Thanks for ruining my love of cherries Amber. Bitch.
During the incredibly awkward stage banter between Nicole and the camps resident bald headed serial killer look alike, the following exchange takes place:
Baldie "So, what are you doing later tonight?"
Nicole: "You"
I long for a screencap here because the look of surprise (she’s Nicole Richie, for crying in the heroin, what did you think she would say?) and hopefulness that passes over Baldie’s face is just about the greatest thing I have ever seen. Next to my own reflection, of course.
Thankfully, the competition is over after that; truthfully, I don’t think I could have handled any more. They announce the winner, and I honestly could care less, in fact, I care so little that I’m not even going to tell you who won. If you really care, just watch E at any point in time, all they do is show re-runs anyway. Love you E! Kiss kiss! I am much more interested in the fact that the prize for winning is a pair of tickets to Knott’s Berry Farm, America’s reject theme park. You figure they could have at least sprung for Disneyland or something. And since Paris and Nicole are all about making people feel good about themselves (psyche!!), every mom who participated gets a present from them! We are told it’s something from BEVERLY HILLS, so you know it’s good. When everyone opens their little red boxes to find a gold charm necklace I turn my nose up and am convinced that they were actually purchased at a kiosk in the Beverly Center Mall, or at a store with no discernable name on Melrose Ave.
I digress, the show ends on a happy note, with Paris walking out of the reception hall with Danica who is now mimicking her, bug eye sunglasses, cheap looking hair extensions and all. Paris asks Danica what she wants to do now, and like any self-respecting six year old, she replies that she wants to go shopping!!! All the while, we are treated to more genius by those wacky editors as we hear Amber’s freaked out voice calling for her daughter – because, lets face it, to Paris Hilton a child is much like a puppy…you don’t have to ask permission to take a puppy out for a walk, why would it be different for a small child? – with no response. Who’s to say that The Simple Life doesn’t have a sense of humor? Everyone knows that child abduction is hilarious!