flipit
07-23-2007, 12:05 PM
by Scuba
While perusing the Internet, I came across the site for WE TV, the Women’s Entertainment network. There, in bold letters across the top menu, are the words “WE empowers women.” If filming and showcasing the trials and tribulations of emotionally unstable engaged women in the days before their weddings is considered empowering, then WE has truly hit the spot with their benchmark show, Bridezillas.
This week, we follow the lives of two brides-to-be: 18 year-old Alicia, from Bakersfield, CA, and the older, but by no means wiser Sharon, from Inglewood, CA. In case you’re unaware, Inglewood, to the southwest of downtown Los Angeles, is not the kind of place where you’d want to get lost at night. Bakersfield, on the other hand, is a neighborhood on the outskirts of Hell. In fact, it could easily be confused with Hell itself, except that it’s hotter and has a larger meth problem.
Alicia immediately gives off the impression that she’s a bitch. A rosy-cheeked yet chunky blonde girl, she’s very bratty and loves to flaunt her own perfections, all of which were apparently uncaptured by the camera. Her fiancé is her high school sweetheart, Noah. How these two managed to stay together is beyond me. While Alicia is a controlling whiner, Noah is a sarcastic goofball. The more I watched of the show, the more he won me over. Practically everything his fiancée says is responded to with a smart-ass comment. Assuming he can read and write, he’d make a great recapper for TVgasm.
Their wedding and reception are taking place at the house of Morgan, the maid of honor. Morgan has the esteem of being the only person in Bakersfield whose above-ground pool is actually buried in the ground. High class, indeed. To further display her taste for the finer things in life, Alicia is having a Tiffany-themed wedding. Time to break out your finest boxed champagne!
After the intros, we follow Alicia and her mother-in-law as they go to meet with the caterer. Apparently, the guy was a no-show for a meeting they had the previous day, and Alicia’s not too happy. She also proves that she’s not too bright, either. Apparently, Alicia picked this caterer even though she had a bad experience with them at another wedding. You’d think that would be a red flag, but for some reason, she still has confidence in them. “Maybe they’re still good caterers,” you’re thinking, right? Well, guess what? The so-called “caterers” Alicia visits, are either: a) an Islands hamburger restaurant, or b) a total knock-off of an Islands hamburger restaurant. While the company logos have been pixelated out, the grass shack motif and aloha shirts employees wear are dead give-aways. Alicia meets with the head waiter caterer, and immediately lays into him for the previous wedding they catered, where they were late, the food was cold and the salad was wilted. She’s also upset because their Hawaiian-themed shirts are too “tacky” for her high-class affair. In the most condescending manner possible, she insists that he draw up a contract that guarantees their prompt arrival and a non-Hawaiian wardrobe. Oddly enough, the poor guy complies. It comes as no surprise then when the owner of the catering company calls a short time later to inform Alicia that he doesn’t want to work with her. I guess he could only take so much bitching from an 18 year-old know-it-all. Don’t worry, though. There’s still 9 days until the wedding. Maybe McDonald’s is still available to cater!
In the dress shop, Alicia and her mother-in-law discuss the unprofessional attitude of the caterer, and how the in-law wants to beat the guy up. One look at her, and you know she can do it, too. Alicia’s mother-in-law has a very unique appearance, to say the least. Do you remember Grimace, the portly purple friend of Ronald McDonald? She is the human embodiment of that guy. But instead of short, stubby arms used for grabbing milkshakes, she has these monstrous, fleshy protrusions, which no doubt have also grabbed their share of milkshakes over the years. She picks up the phone to complain to the caterer, and to this day, I have no idea what she said to the guy. I mean, I TiVo’d the scene and watched it multiple times, but with each viewing, I was absolutely mesmerized by the undulating of her arm fat. This woman has cleavage in areas I did not know cleavage was possible. It was repulsive, yet, like a fiery car wreck, I couldn’t turn away. Watching the show on my friend’s 52” screen was only making matters worse. Anyway, I digress. I believe her phone conversation with the caterer involved chewing him out (no pun intended) for pulling out of the wedding, and threatening to sue him.
Alicia and the blimp-in-law get back in the car, which, oddly enough, has those Hawaiian-themed seat covers. It may be tacky if the guy serving you burgers in your backyard wedding is wearing a hibiscus flower print, but when you’re sitting on it in your car, it practically screams elegance.
As they drive, Alicia calls another caterer, who –surprise- is friends with the original caterer. He’s already been informed of Alicia’s disposition, and tells her that he can’t work with her, either. Wow, Alicia…blacklisted by the burger flippers!
From there, we visit with Sharon and her fiancé James. In their introductions, they seem like a mellow, loving couple. Of course, first impressions aren’t always correct. James, like Noah, is a respectable guy. He seems very relaxed and friendly. So again, I find myself asking what a guy like him is doing with a monster like Sharon. This bride-to-be turns out to be a cruel, vengeful drama queen. She has the ability to turn the most mundane of daily activities into ordeals that are usually peppered with fits of yelling and crying.
Ordeal #1 starts with Sharon driving around town, arguing on the phone with the shipping company that is lagging in delivering plane tickets to her Vegas-based son. The 2-day delivery is now on day 6, which is perfect fodder for Sharon to start a yelling match with the customer service rep. If you’re anything like me, you know that the best way to get prompt service is to yell at people on the phone and threaten them, even if they’re not the ones directly at fault. Well done, Sharon. I’m sure they’ll expedite those tickets now. By the way, you haven’t heard of e-tickets, have you? They’ve only been around for about 10 years.
Sharon is clearly concerned about money. They’ve already gone over budget for the wedding, and she is worried about how cheap everything is going to look. Once she calms down from her barrage of threats over the phone, she pulls into a Costco lot, where she laments having to shop in a store that’s probably crowded. If you’re not a fan of crowds, maybe you should avoid those monstro-marts at peak hours, Sharon. She also manages to whine about the fact that she’s buying her own appetizers for the wedding, since she doesn’t trust anyone else to do it properly. Sharon sounds like a great friend to have.
Back at home, the now-calm Sharon is in the midst of preparing a romantic dinner for her fiancé when, oh dear lord, the stove flares up. For a brief moment, flames jump up around one of the pots, and while most people would go right on cooking, Sharon acts as if a bomb just went off. She freaks out, yells to her husband and friend in the next room, and refers to the piddling flames as an “explosion” that “almost killed her.” After checking herself over for burns, her friend consoles her. James, however, doesn’t seem all that concerned. Of course, such a response is unacceptable to someone who just had a brush with death. Needless to say, she is far too scarred to finish cooking. Okay, I’ll admit that it does seem a little odd to see flames coming from an electric stove, but come on! I’ve lit farts with bigger flames than that.
Back in the desert, Noah is chauffeuring Alicia around at night. The wedding is only 2 days away, and even though they don’t discuss it, Noah has a pretty noticeable sunburn around where his sunglasses were. As far as I know, this is not the desired look for the groom of a Tiffany-themed wedding.
Of course, since nothing has gone wrong for them lately, the car starts acting up. Surprise, surprise, it dies, and Noah has to get out to help with a push start. As soon as the car fires up, Alicia drives off, leaving the poor guy in the dust. Confused, alone, tired and only wearing flip-flops, he searches for her, and finds her at a market 4 blocks down the road. The whole time, I kept hoping he’d change his mind and hitchhike, and possibly end up somewhere far, far away from the monster wearing his ring. No such luck. Oh well, it’s your funeral, Noah.
At the market, Noah works on the radiator as Alicia contributes by whining. Ever the good-natured fiancé, Noah makes light of the situation by mocking her in a high-pitched voice and flipping her off from behind the raised hood. Come on, Noah! You’re a good guy! You can do better than her!
The happy couple makes it home, and of course, the whining continues. Noah asks when dinner will be ready, which is exactly what she wanted to hear. Believe it or not, they argue, and a teary-eyed Alicia complains to the camera how the wedding process is not turning out how she wanted it to.
Sharon, meanwhile, is driving into the Fashion District in downtown L.A. to find some cut-rate deals on wedding supplies. She makes it abundantly clear that she is not a fan of the inner-city. Apparently, it smells bad, and there’s no good place to pee. You know something, Sharon? I’ve been to the Fashion District plenty of times. Sure, there are parts that don’t smell too good, but there are plenty of places to pee. In fact, that’s why it smells so bad downtown. But then again, I’m a guy, and have urinating options that far surpass whatever Sharon is equipped with. Needless to say, there isn’t an establishment in the area that she deems suitable for accepting her waste. She actually calls up a friend to discuss the merits of going to the bathroom inside her car. How sheltered is this woman? I mean, come on, she’s from Inglewood, not Beverly Hills.
Eventually, Sharon breaks down, finds a real bathroom (supposedly. They didn’t elaborate), and meets up with her friend Michelle, a bridesmaid. Sharon whines further about the smells of the city, the cost of the wedding, and everything else under the sun. Michelle helps by mentioning how much more she needs to purchase for the occasion. As they discuss table settings, Sharon mentions that she’s upset about having to feed the underage guests. She suggests the children “tell they mama’s to take them to McDonald’s afterwards,” and also adds, “kids ain’t getting no crystal. They getting paper plates.” Clearly, Sharon did not attend the same finishing school as me. If so, she would know that the proper way to word that sentence is, “kids ain’t getting any crystal.”
In Alicia’s neck of the woods, preparing for the reception is becoming an ordeal. The poor girl is struggling with the concept of setting up folding tables, and no one is helping her. Finally, Noah is summoned, and as he hammers a tent pole into the ground, he turns to a young relative and says, “I’m working on Alicia’s face.” I hope for Noah’s sake that the little kid doesn’t let word of this get to Alicia, or he’ll need more than just the hammer to protect himself.
Guests start showing up, but they’re more interested in partying than paying attention to Alicia. In her typical unfriendly manner, she chastises the groomsman in the sleeveless “bikini patrol” t-shirt, making sure he won’t wear his sunglasses and hat for the actual ceremony. This is actually an issue for the guy, as Bakersfield is hot, and I’m sure he also aspires for a sunburn pattern as enviable as the groom’s. Will the guy obey her wishes come wedding time? We’ll find out later. In the mean time, Alicia awards her bridesmaids with none other than Tiffany & Co. necklaces. I have no idea how an 18 year-old girl came up with the money for these, so I’m just going to assume they are fake and came as prizes in Happy Meals.
Sharon has survived her tour of duty in Iraq trip downtown, and is now on the phone, once again yelling at the shipping company responsible for the plane tickets. She takes a few moments to shift her attention to yelling at traffic. She’s truly a multi-tasker! Once she gets home, it’s time for a meeting with some friends and the wedding planner. You’re not gonna believe this, but their discussions primarily revolve around costs, and how to keep them down. After discussing such measures as pouring just enough champagne in glasses for a single sip, Sharon has to take off for a teeth-whitening session. Before she goes, she tells the wedding planner, “I’m gonna work you like a dark-skinned field slave.” Yeah, you read that right. The head jerk and ensuing look on the wedding planner’s face after hearing this are priceless.
In the dentist’s office, we are treated to the familiar sight of Sharon freaking out. Her teeth are sensitive, and naturally, dentist is making them uncomfortable. Post-visit, she’s in her car, where instead of the usual yelling, she decides to turn on the water works. She’s freaking out; worried about losing her sanity, unaware that it’s already a thing of the past. Sharon refers to the dental visit as the “worst freaking nightmare of my life, to date.” Really, Sharon? Even worse than the near-death cooking experience?
And you know what the best part is? Her teeth don’t look any better afterwards! They were already very bright.
In the next scene, chapel bells are ringing in Bakersfield. Well, they would be ringing if the service weren’t taking place in someone’s yard. Inside the house, Alicia and the bridesmaids are busy getting ready. Alicia is a combination of mad, nervous, excited, and just about everything else I’ve already gotten sick of seeing her display. After chugging some Pepto-Bismol, she whines about her friends not helping out enough. She threatens to rip off their new necklaces, and moans further that no one has told her she looks pretty. Oddly enough, none of the bridesmaids use this cue to tell her she looks pretty. Well, maybe they’re just an honest group of friends. Honest friends are the best kind of friends. As she pouts on the bed, I can’t help but notice that she looks alarmingly like Anna Nicole Smith.
Noah, on the other hand, is cool as a cucumber. He walks around the house, seeking praise and advice from relatives. He also lectures the camera about the worries of becoming a married man. With a totally straight face, he laments that Alicia will soon own his testicles. If Noah didn’t have his sense of humor, he’d have been killed (trampled) ages ago.
In the bride’s dressing room, all of the girls are getting fed up. Tensions are running high, and the situation only gets worse when the mother in law waddles in to inform Alicia that the cake has sustained some damage. “Did she eat it?” you’re probably thinking. No, she and other guests just moved the table on which it sat. There are a few cracks in the frosting, and Alicia is devastated. She demands to know which guest caused the damage, but the mother-in-law won’t tell her. At this point, I should mention that this is a very small wedding, even for a backyard. Well, other than the mother-in-law, it’s a very small wedding. There are only a few possible guests who could be responsible for the damage, but Alicia’s attention to the matter wanes. Naturally, she’s become hungry. Someone makes her a sandwich, and though it has her meat of choice, she whines because it doesn’t have “normal” bread. She also asks one of her bridesmaids if there are many presents on the present table, to which the reply is “No.” Doesn’t having a lot of presents entail having a lot of guests?
Eventually, the ceremony takes place under a beautiful Bakersfield sunset. And in case you were wondering, that one groomsman did keep his sunglasses on. I bet Alicia was extra angry, ‘cause he had his back to the sun the whole time.
The show wraps up with a quick interview with the happily married couple. I was surprised to find out Alicia was elated with the results. “I thought I looked better than any bride could ever look.” I guess she didn’t have a mirror in the dressing room. “My day was perfect,” she adds. “It was my dream come true.”
That’s all the time they had for this week. Not to fear, Sharon’s wedding will wrap up in the next episode. Will her son ever get his plane ticket? Will she spot a cockroach on the floor and collapse in a fit of terror and screaming? Will James gather his senses and take off running for the hills? Tune in on Sunday to find out.
A Scuba production
While perusing the Internet, I came across the site for WE TV, the Women’s Entertainment network. There, in bold letters across the top menu, are the words “WE empowers women.” If filming and showcasing the trials and tribulations of emotionally unstable engaged women in the days before their weddings is considered empowering, then WE has truly hit the spot with their benchmark show, Bridezillas.
This week, we follow the lives of two brides-to-be: 18 year-old Alicia, from Bakersfield, CA, and the older, but by no means wiser Sharon, from Inglewood, CA. In case you’re unaware, Inglewood, to the southwest of downtown Los Angeles, is not the kind of place where you’d want to get lost at night. Bakersfield, on the other hand, is a neighborhood on the outskirts of Hell. In fact, it could easily be confused with Hell itself, except that it’s hotter and has a larger meth problem.
Alicia immediately gives off the impression that she’s a bitch. A rosy-cheeked yet chunky blonde girl, she’s very bratty and loves to flaunt her own perfections, all of which were apparently uncaptured by the camera. Her fiancé is her high school sweetheart, Noah. How these two managed to stay together is beyond me. While Alicia is a controlling whiner, Noah is a sarcastic goofball. The more I watched of the show, the more he won me over. Practically everything his fiancée says is responded to with a smart-ass comment. Assuming he can read and write, he’d make a great recapper for TVgasm.
Their wedding and reception are taking place at the house of Morgan, the maid of honor. Morgan has the esteem of being the only person in Bakersfield whose above-ground pool is actually buried in the ground. High class, indeed. To further display her taste for the finer things in life, Alicia is having a Tiffany-themed wedding. Time to break out your finest boxed champagne!
After the intros, we follow Alicia and her mother-in-law as they go to meet with the caterer. Apparently, the guy was a no-show for a meeting they had the previous day, and Alicia’s not too happy. She also proves that she’s not too bright, either. Apparently, Alicia picked this caterer even though she had a bad experience with them at another wedding. You’d think that would be a red flag, but for some reason, she still has confidence in them. “Maybe they’re still good caterers,” you’re thinking, right? Well, guess what? The so-called “caterers” Alicia visits, are either: a) an Islands hamburger restaurant, or b) a total knock-off of an Islands hamburger restaurant. While the company logos have been pixelated out, the grass shack motif and aloha shirts employees wear are dead give-aways. Alicia meets with the head waiter caterer, and immediately lays into him for the previous wedding they catered, where they were late, the food was cold and the salad was wilted. She’s also upset because their Hawaiian-themed shirts are too “tacky” for her high-class affair. In the most condescending manner possible, she insists that he draw up a contract that guarantees their prompt arrival and a non-Hawaiian wardrobe. Oddly enough, the poor guy complies. It comes as no surprise then when the owner of the catering company calls a short time later to inform Alicia that he doesn’t want to work with her. I guess he could only take so much bitching from an 18 year-old know-it-all. Don’t worry, though. There’s still 9 days until the wedding. Maybe McDonald’s is still available to cater!
In the dress shop, Alicia and her mother-in-law discuss the unprofessional attitude of the caterer, and how the in-law wants to beat the guy up. One look at her, and you know she can do it, too. Alicia’s mother-in-law has a very unique appearance, to say the least. Do you remember Grimace, the portly purple friend of Ronald McDonald? She is the human embodiment of that guy. But instead of short, stubby arms used for grabbing milkshakes, she has these monstrous, fleshy protrusions, which no doubt have also grabbed their share of milkshakes over the years. She picks up the phone to complain to the caterer, and to this day, I have no idea what she said to the guy. I mean, I TiVo’d the scene and watched it multiple times, but with each viewing, I was absolutely mesmerized by the undulating of her arm fat. This woman has cleavage in areas I did not know cleavage was possible. It was repulsive, yet, like a fiery car wreck, I couldn’t turn away. Watching the show on my friend’s 52” screen was only making matters worse. Anyway, I digress. I believe her phone conversation with the caterer involved chewing him out (no pun intended) for pulling out of the wedding, and threatening to sue him.
Alicia and the blimp-in-law get back in the car, which, oddly enough, has those Hawaiian-themed seat covers. It may be tacky if the guy serving you burgers in your backyard wedding is wearing a hibiscus flower print, but when you’re sitting on it in your car, it practically screams elegance.
As they drive, Alicia calls another caterer, who –surprise- is friends with the original caterer. He’s already been informed of Alicia’s disposition, and tells her that he can’t work with her, either. Wow, Alicia…blacklisted by the burger flippers!
From there, we visit with Sharon and her fiancé James. In their introductions, they seem like a mellow, loving couple. Of course, first impressions aren’t always correct. James, like Noah, is a respectable guy. He seems very relaxed and friendly. So again, I find myself asking what a guy like him is doing with a monster like Sharon. This bride-to-be turns out to be a cruel, vengeful drama queen. She has the ability to turn the most mundane of daily activities into ordeals that are usually peppered with fits of yelling and crying.
Ordeal #1 starts with Sharon driving around town, arguing on the phone with the shipping company that is lagging in delivering plane tickets to her Vegas-based son. The 2-day delivery is now on day 6, which is perfect fodder for Sharon to start a yelling match with the customer service rep. If you’re anything like me, you know that the best way to get prompt service is to yell at people on the phone and threaten them, even if they’re not the ones directly at fault. Well done, Sharon. I’m sure they’ll expedite those tickets now. By the way, you haven’t heard of e-tickets, have you? They’ve only been around for about 10 years.
Sharon is clearly concerned about money. They’ve already gone over budget for the wedding, and she is worried about how cheap everything is going to look. Once she calms down from her barrage of threats over the phone, she pulls into a Costco lot, where she laments having to shop in a store that’s probably crowded. If you’re not a fan of crowds, maybe you should avoid those monstro-marts at peak hours, Sharon. She also manages to whine about the fact that she’s buying her own appetizers for the wedding, since she doesn’t trust anyone else to do it properly. Sharon sounds like a great friend to have.
Back at home, the now-calm Sharon is in the midst of preparing a romantic dinner for her fiancé when, oh dear lord, the stove flares up. For a brief moment, flames jump up around one of the pots, and while most people would go right on cooking, Sharon acts as if a bomb just went off. She freaks out, yells to her husband and friend in the next room, and refers to the piddling flames as an “explosion” that “almost killed her.” After checking herself over for burns, her friend consoles her. James, however, doesn’t seem all that concerned. Of course, such a response is unacceptable to someone who just had a brush with death. Needless to say, she is far too scarred to finish cooking. Okay, I’ll admit that it does seem a little odd to see flames coming from an electric stove, but come on! I’ve lit farts with bigger flames than that.
Back in the desert, Noah is chauffeuring Alicia around at night. The wedding is only 2 days away, and even though they don’t discuss it, Noah has a pretty noticeable sunburn around where his sunglasses were. As far as I know, this is not the desired look for the groom of a Tiffany-themed wedding.
Of course, since nothing has gone wrong for them lately, the car starts acting up. Surprise, surprise, it dies, and Noah has to get out to help with a push start. As soon as the car fires up, Alicia drives off, leaving the poor guy in the dust. Confused, alone, tired and only wearing flip-flops, he searches for her, and finds her at a market 4 blocks down the road. The whole time, I kept hoping he’d change his mind and hitchhike, and possibly end up somewhere far, far away from the monster wearing his ring. No such luck. Oh well, it’s your funeral, Noah.
At the market, Noah works on the radiator as Alicia contributes by whining. Ever the good-natured fiancé, Noah makes light of the situation by mocking her in a high-pitched voice and flipping her off from behind the raised hood. Come on, Noah! You’re a good guy! You can do better than her!
The happy couple makes it home, and of course, the whining continues. Noah asks when dinner will be ready, which is exactly what she wanted to hear. Believe it or not, they argue, and a teary-eyed Alicia complains to the camera how the wedding process is not turning out how she wanted it to.
Sharon, meanwhile, is driving into the Fashion District in downtown L.A. to find some cut-rate deals on wedding supplies. She makes it abundantly clear that she is not a fan of the inner-city. Apparently, it smells bad, and there’s no good place to pee. You know something, Sharon? I’ve been to the Fashion District plenty of times. Sure, there are parts that don’t smell too good, but there are plenty of places to pee. In fact, that’s why it smells so bad downtown. But then again, I’m a guy, and have urinating options that far surpass whatever Sharon is equipped with. Needless to say, there isn’t an establishment in the area that she deems suitable for accepting her waste. She actually calls up a friend to discuss the merits of going to the bathroom inside her car. How sheltered is this woman? I mean, come on, she’s from Inglewood, not Beverly Hills.
Eventually, Sharon breaks down, finds a real bathroom (supposedly. They didn’t elaborate), and meets up with her friend Michelle, a bridesmaid. Sharon whines further about the smells of the city, the cost of the wedding, and everything else under the sun. Michelle helps by mentioning how much more she needs to purchase for the occasion. As they discuss table settings, Sharon mentions that she’s upset about having to feed the underage guests. She suggests the children “tell they mama’s to take them to McDonald’s afterwards,” and also adds, “kids ain’t getting no crystal. They getting paper plates.” Clearly, Sharon did not attend the same finishing school as me. If so, she would know that the proper way to word that sentence is, “kids ain’t getting any crystal.”
In Alicia’s neck of the woods, preparing for the reception is becoming an ordeal. The poor girl is struggling with the concept of setting up folding tables, and no one is helping her. Finally, Noah is summoned, and as he hammers a tent pole into the ground, he turns to a young relative and says, “I’m working on Alicia’s face.” I hope for Noah’s sake that the little kid doesn’t let word of this get to Alicia, or he’ll need more than just the hammer to protect himself.
Guests start showing up, but they’re more interested in partying than paying attention to Alicia. In her typical unfriendly manner, she chastises the groomsman in the sleeveless “bikini patrol” t-shirt, making sure he won’t wear his sunglasses and hat for the actual ceremony. This is actually an issue for the guy, as Bakersfield is hot, and I’m sure he also aspires for a sunburn pattern as enviable as the groom’s. Will the guy obey her wishes come wedding time? We’ll find out later. In the mean time, Alicia awards her bridesmaids with none other than Tiffany & Co. necklaces. I have no idea how an 18 year-old girl came up with the money for these, so I’m just going to assume they are fake and came as prizes in Happy Meals.
Sharon has survived her tour of duty in Iraq trip downtown, and is now on the phone, once again yelling at the shipping company responsible for the plane tickets. She takes a few moments to shift her attention to yelling at traffic. She’s truly a multi-tasker! Once she gets home, it’s time for a meeting with some friends and the wedding planner. You’re not gonna believe this, but their discussions primarily revolve around costs, and how to keep them down. After discussing such measures as pouring just enough champagne in glasses for a single sip, Sharon has to take off for a teeth-whitening session. Before she goes, she tells the wedding planner, “I’m gonna work you like a dark-skinned field slave.” Yeah, you read that right. The head jerk and ensuing look on the wedding planner’s face after hearing this are priceless.
In the dentist’s office, we are treated to the familiar sight of Sharon freaking out. Her teeth are sensitive, and naturally, dentist is making them uncomfortable. Post-visit, she’s in her car, where instead of the usual yelling, she decides to turn on the water works. She’s freaking out; worried about losing her sanity, unaware that it’s already a thing of the past. Sharon refers to the dental visit as the “worst freaking nightmare of my life, to date.” Really, Sharon? Even worse than the near-death cooking experience?
And you know what the best part is? Her teeth don’t look any better afterwards! They were already very bright.
In the next scene, chapel bells are ringing in Bakersfield. Well, they would be ringing if the service weren’t taking place in someone’s yard. Inside the house, Alicia and the bridesmaids are busy getting ready. Alicia is a combination of mad, nervous, excited, and just about everything else I’ve already gotten sick of seeing her display. After chugging some Pepto-Bismol, she whines about her friends not helping out enough. She threatens to rip off their new necklaces, and moans further that no one has told her she looks pretty. Oddly enough, none of the bridesmaids use this cue to tell her she looks pretty. Well, maybe they’re just an honest group of friends. Honest friends are the best kind of friends. As she pouts on the bed, I can’t help but notice that she looks alarmingly like Anna Nicole Smith.
Noah, on the other hand, is cool as a cucumber. He walks around the house, seeking praise and advice from relatives. He also lectures the camera about the worries of becoming a married man. With a totally straight face, he laments that Alicia will soon own his testicles. If Noah didn’t have his sense of humor, he’d have been killed (trampled) ages ago.
In the bride’s dressing room, all of the girls are getting fed up. Tensions are running high, and the situation only gets worse when the mother in law waddles in to inform Alicia that the cake has sustained some damage. “Did she eat it?” you’re probably thinking. No, she and other guests just moved the table on which it sat. There are a few cracks in the frosting, and Alicia is devastated. She demands to know which guest caused the damage, but the mother-in-law won’t tell her. At this point, I should mention that this is a very small wedding, even for a backyard. Well, other than the mother-in-law, it’s a very small wedding. There are only a few possible guests who could be responsible for the damage, but Alicia’s attention to the matter wanes. Naturally, she’s become hungry. Someone makes her a sandwich, and though it has her meat of choice, she whines because it doesn’t have “normal” bread. She also asks one of her bridesmaids if there are many presents on the present table, to which the reply is “No.” Doesn’t having a lot of presents entail having a lot of guests?
Eventually, the ceremony takes place under a beautiful Bakersfield sunset. And in case you were wondering, that one groomsman did keep his sunglasses on. I bet Alicia was extra angry, ‘cause he had his back to the sun the whole time.
The show wraps up with a quick interview with the happily married couple. I was surprised to find out Alicia was elated with the results. “I thought I looked better than any bride could ever look.” I guess she didn’t have a mirror in the dressing room. “My day was perfect,” she adds. “It was my dream come true.”
That’s all the time they had for this week. Not to fear, Sharon’s wedding will wrap up in the next episode. Will her son ever get his plane ticket? Will she spot a cockroach on the floor and collapse in a fit of terror and screaming? Will James gather his senses and take off running for the hills? Tune in on Sunday to find out.
A Scuba production