flipit
07-23-2007, 12:12 PM
by LoLo
All right everyone, it's time for Bridezillas, the show that makes all single women think that if SHE can find someone to marry her then what the hell is wrong me? This week's charming ladies are Maria, 29, from Wisconsin, and Sharon, 37, from California. Both are bringing the crazy, so let's begin!
Maria is engaged to Scott, 28, and the wedding is a few weeks away, which gives Scott just enough time to arrange for some fake IDs and flee the country. Maria's parents are Mormons, as perhaps evidenced by their brood of 8 daughters. Either that or they fell just 1 short of that Abbott family baseball team they always dreamed about. Scott quickly informs us that he is a man of discriminating taste, in that he told a buddy once to hook him up with one of the Abbott girls -- it didn't matter which one. Maria and Scott officially started dating after they ran into each other at a sauerkraut festival (only in Wisconsin, folks...). I'm guessing Scott chose the Abbott sister most likely to put up with his sauerkraut-scented flatulence for the next 50 years. Aww.
Maria's insane wedding demand is that she wants 38 individual cakes as the table centerpieces for her reception. Maria says there will be six different types of cakes: lemon, carrot, white chocolate and red velvet. Umm, last time I checked, that was four. I mean, I know that the sauerkraut cake is a given, but what is the sixth type? The catch to this cake plan (besides it being very, very stupid) is that she's too cheap to hire a caterer, so she's enlisting her sisters as slave labor to help her bake them (ahhh so THAT'S why the Abbotts had so many damn kids... those crafty Mormons). Maria insists that her sisters meet her high baking standards, and tells us that if she has to be "a dirty whore and yell at them, so be it." Whoa. What is up with the insight coming from people on reality tv lately? Amber calling herself ridiculous, Maria calling herself a dirty whore... it really is quite disconcerting. If this keeps up, next week Julie's going to peel her face off with a "But First! I'm a robot!"
Maria's sister Lara is in the hospital, having given birth to her fourth child (seriously people, overpopulation is a problem!) just 12 hours ago. Maria goes to visit Lara and her new nephew, but not before telling us children are the reason they made duck tape and closets. I think Scott will soon learn that Maria herself is another reason. We find out that Maria had given Lara a cut-off date for the absolute latest date she could get pregnant in order to pop out the kid and be back in shape before the wedding. Lara, that selfish bitch, got pregnant a month after that date. Instead of stoning Lara in the town square for being such an inconsiderate hussy, Maria took the mature approach and instead demanded that Lara induce her labor to have the baby 1 week early. Which evidently Lara did. Sure the baby's a little retarded now, but just wrap it in some duck tape and stick it in a closet. Maria's got a wedding to pla! n!
Maria has enlisted Lara as the head cake-baker, and spends the hospital visit berating Lara into submission. Lara has to decorate those cakes, even if she's frosting with one arm and nursing with the other, just as long as she doesn't drip any breast milk into the cakes (oh so THAT'S the sixth type of cake! Mystery solved!). Maria tells us that her cakes will be bigger, better, and cuter than the baby. The editors then show us a shot of the baby, and I have to admit Maria's right on this one. Yikes. That's what prematurely inducing labor to help bake cakes will get you, Lara!
We next see Maria relieving her sisters from rowing duty with the other slaves in order to bake cakes in the kitchen. Upgrade! Maria flaps around the kitchen screaming NOOOO at everyone's cake baking techniques. She makes it very clear that the sauerkraut is to be folded, not stirred, into the batter but no one will listen. We see Maria repeatedly taking shots like all good Mormons, presumably after wrestling the bottle away from her sisters who must be guzzling it like water in order to deal with her.
Bachelorette party time! Maria and her unfortunate entourage take off for an overnight stay at what looks like a log cabin. Very posh. Maria is wearing a pleated denim mini skirt, stripped sweater, and Uggs. Evidently it is still 2005 in Wisconsin. And Maria is blithely unaware she is pushing 30. The ladies decide to head out to a beer festival, which along with sauerkraut festivals, is evidently the place to meet men around here. Other hot spots: curd processing plants, manure conventions and the Museum of Historic Torture Devices in the Dells.
We get a montage of Maria pounding beers, and the narrator comments that Maria has now drank enough to tranquilize a large bear. LOL narrator! Most of her friends seem to have disappeared, so I'm assuming they've edited out the girl sobbing in the corner covered in Maria's vomit. Take one for the team, bitch, it's Maria's bachelorette party!
Maria makes her way over to some sort of concert, hoists her foolishly dressed ass on stage, and then begins fondling herself and screaming "Maria's knockers!" Scott is one lucky man... I know of a good divorce attorney if that fake passport didn't come through for you, buddy. The lead singer gives Maria a bumper sticker as a reward for her fondling (that should tell her something about her sex appeal right there...), and Maria gives it to a sketchy random dude who sticks it on her butt with his face. Dude, now you got herpes. That sucks. The dude then offers to make out with Maria and I don't feel bad for him anymore because he's clearly a dirty pervert who lives in his mother's basement.
This is the last we see of Miss Maria, whose beautiful story will be continued in the next episode. Now let's turn to Sharon, shall we?
Sharon in engaged to James. They met 7 years ago at a (strip) club, and their wedding is in 2 days. Sharon's budget is only $10,000, and she tells us that the wedding can be cheap as long as it doesn't look cheap. Yes, you really fooled me with that bridal bouquet of just ribbons and those mismatched folding chairs at the wedding. Way to stretch a penny, Sharon!
Sharon was introduced to us in the previous episode that none of us watched, so the editors give us a quick recap: Sharon's stove let out a few wayward sparks and she screamed that the stove tried to kill her. Sharon asked someone on the phone if it's nasty to pee in the car. Sharon sobbed over the pain of getting her teeth whitened. Okay, so we got a melodramatic, unsanitary, emotionally unhinged bride. Got it, moving on.
Sharon heads off to the flower market to purchase flowers for the wedding. The first thing I notice is that this grown woman is using a Winnie the Pooh backpack/purse. I don't even know what to say about that except that it gives me hope that if a 37-year-old-Winnie-the-Pooh-toting woman can get married then maybe I can too. If not, I'll just have to kill myself, dear lord. Anyway, Sharon has a budget of $100 for all the flowers, and she immediately uses $60 on flower petals. She spends the other $40 on carnations which are getting a nice boost from their usual filler-flower status. Although if Sharon is on as tight of a budget as she claims, she should just go pick some dandelions on the side of the highway. They'd look just as nice, and could double as a nice salad at the reception. Martha Stewart, look out, I'm a-coming!
Some crazy shit then goes down when Sharon tries to pay for the flowers, with her somehow walking away convinced that the flower guy was trying to cheat her by overcharging. The only really significant things about this exchange are that 1) it made my head hurt and 2) neither Sharon nor the flower guy were confident that 9 times 5 is 45. Wow.
The craziness continues back at Sharon's home as she begins referring to herself in the third person as "Momma." She tells us that "Momma is about to cut her wrists" with no context, then launches into a long defense of Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride in 2005 who claimed she had been kidnapped and sexually assaulted. Really, THAT'S who you want to align yourself with, Momma? You know there's footage lying on the cutting room floor of Momma telling us how Charles Manson and Tom Cruise are just really, really misunderstood.
Momma is pissed that her so-called friends haven't been helping her enough with the wedding, and calls her wedding planner to cancel her rehearsal dinner because she isn't giving food to people who won't help her, not on her dime. Which is probably how much the food she was planning to serve cost. She shortly thereafter indulges in a crying spell about how no one cares about her and that people hate her. Well, I can't speak for everyone but I kinda hate you, sorry Momma.
It's the day of the wedding, and still no one is around to help set up for the wedding. We see Momma in a hotel getting ready, talking to her mom. This is awful, but I read about how there's been another case of the flesh-eating bacteria reported, and I think it was Momma's mom who made the report. Seriously, something is up with this woman's face and it's pretty damn nasty. Where's a screen grab when you need one? Damn these auditiongasm rules!
The bridal party is seen arriving, and they've got the poor flower girl decked out in her own puffy white wedding dress, complete with elbow-length gloves. She looks like she wants to kill someone and I don't blame her. Meanwhile someone else has confused the wedding with a costume party, because he is decked out like one of the Jackson 5 complete with tan suit, orange shirt with a huge collar, and an afro. Very nice.
The bridesmaids get in a tizzy because the DJ has forgotten to show up, and no one wants Momma to know. That's what you get when you pay the DJ in nickels you cheap ass. We see a random guy ask James if he still wants to get married, and James answers yes, missing the opportunity of his lifetime. Hey James, that divorce attorney I offered to Scott can be yours too, just let me know dude.
Next we hear that most of the guests are MIA, probably because Momma was too cheap to send out real invitations and people didn't get their Evites in time. This too is kept from Momma who knows something is up but so far is keep her shit together pretty well. (BTW, where is this "wedding planner" that we saw Momma speaking to earlier? What the hell is Momma paying these people?!) We then are introduced to Momma's brother who instantly makes me understand why Momma is a melodramatic, unsanitary, emotionally unhinged person. Hell, she's pretty lucky that she's turned out as well as she has, being raised with this guy. Momma's brother tells us that if there's ain't no DJ where a brother wants to party, he's going to leave. Yes, yes, please do.
Through the magic of commercial breaks and editing, the guests have suddenly all arrived after Evite send out a batch of reminders, and one of the guests knows a very talented DJ. So talented that he has absolutely nothing going on and is able to run over to Momma's wedding with 10 minutes notice. With everything fixed, the wedding can finally start -- two hours later than it was scheduled to. But it's okay, the bridesmaids took that extra time to put full-out clown makeup on Momma complete with a set of gigantic red lips. Momma used to be a very attractive woman, especially given her age. But now with the makeup and the wedding dress on, she looks eerily like Dennis Rodman's bridal getup. ::shuddering::
The ceremony begins and it's instantly a disaster for poor Momma. I bet now she REALLY wants to slit those wrists! The pastor has clearly been entertaining himself at the open bar (open bar? Who am I kidding? This is the cheapest wedding ever... I meant flask in his pocket) during the two-hour delay because he's so smashed he can't pronounce James' name. The pastor stumbles about 8 times in a row while Momma's brother sits and cackles loudly at her from the front row. Class. Act. At the same time, one of Momma's bridesmaids falls "deathly" ill and sprawls out on a chair like a rag doll. I think Momma's momma might have gotten too close to her. Someone get that woman quarantined!
After a few more mishaps, the ceremony is complete and we jump in time to the end of the reception. Momma is blubbering to the camera about how she has to clean up after her own reception in her wedding dress because all of her guests just left. I sorta feel a little bad for her, but if someone asked me to stick around after their wedding to help them pick up trash I'd punch them in the face. I came to your wedding to eat your food, get extremely drunk, and scope the single men, not clean up your shit. Oh, and wish you a happy life together, whatever, see ya.
We see Momma crawling around picking up garbage, and then the camera cuts to her brother trying to breakdance inside. Stop trying to build my sympathy, WE! Momma continues to blubber that she'll be sending out the thank you notes, thanking people for letting her know where she stands with them. She also says that there are a few people out there that love her and a lot of people that don't. Evidently James is not one of the people that loves her, because Momma's picking up trash and he's nowhere to be seen. Ouch.
And then the show ends, just like that with Momma sobbing hysterically about how no one loves her while sad violins played in the background. Very... uplifting. Yeah. I need a cocktail.
All right everyone, it's time for Bridezillas, the show that makes all single women think that if SHE can find someone to marry her then what the hell is wrong me? This week's charming ladies are Maria, 29, from Wisconsin, and Sharon, 37, from California. Both are bringing the crazy, so let's begin!
Maria is engaged to Scott, 28, and the wedding is a few weeks away, which gives Scott just enough time to arrange for some fake IDs and flee the country. Maria's parents are Mormons, as perhaps evidenced by their brood of 8 daughters. Either that or they fell just 1 short of that Abbott family baseball team they always dreamed about. Scott quickly informs us that he is a man of discriminating taste, in that he told a buddy once to hook him up with one of the Abbott girls -- it didn't matter which one. Maria and Scott officially started dating after they ran into each other at a sauerkraut festival (only in Wisconsin, folks...). I'm guessing Scott chose the Abbott sister most likely to put up with his sauerkraut-scented flatulence for the next 50 years. Aww.
Maria's insane wedding demand is that she wants 38 individual cakes as the table centerpieces for her reception. Maria says there will be six different types of cakes: lemon, carrot, white chocolate and red velvet. Umm, last time I checked, that was four. I mean, I know that the sauerkraut cake is a given, but what is the sixth type? The catch to this cake plan (besides it being very, very stupid) is that she's too cheap to hire a caterer, so she's enlisting her sisters as slave labor to help her bake them (ahhh so THAT'S why the Abbotts had so many damn kids... those crafty Mormons). Maria insists that her sisters meet her high baking standards, and tells us that if she has to be "a dirty whore and yell at them, so be it." Whoa. What is up with the insight coming from people on reality tv lately? Amber calling herself ridiculous, Maria calling herself a dirty whore... it really is quite disconcerting. If this keeps up, next week Julie's going to peel her face off with a "But First! I'm a robot!"
Maria's sister Lara is in the hospital, having given birth to her fourth child (seriously people, overpopulation is a problem!) just 12 hours ago. Maria goes to visit Lara and her new nephew, but not before telling us children are the reason they made duck tape and closets. I think Scott will soon learn that Maria herself is another reason. We find out that Maria had given Lara a cut-off date for the absolute latest date she could get pregnant in order to pop out the kid and be back in shape before the wedding. Lara, that selfish bitch, got pregnant a month after that date. Instead of stoning Lara in the town square for being such an inconsiderate hussy, Maria took the mature approach and instead demanded that Lara induce her labor to have the baby 1 week early. Which evidently Lara did. Sure the baby's a little retarded now, but just wrap it in some duck tape and stick it in a closet. Maria's got a wedding to pla! n!
Maria has enlisted Lara as the head cake-baker, and spends the hospital visit berating Lara into submission. Lara has to decorate those cakes, even if she's frosting with one arm and nursing with the other, just as long as she doesn't drip any breast milk into the cakes (oh so THAT'S the sixth type of cake! Mystery solved!). Maria tells us that her cakes will be bigger, better, and cuter than the baby. The editors then show us a shot of the baby, and I have to admit Maria's right on this one. Yikes. That's what prematurely inducing labor to help bake cakes will get you, Lara!
We next see Maria relieving her sisters from rowing duty with the other slaves in order to bake cakes in the kitchen. Upgrade! Maria flaps around the kitchen screaming NOOOO at everyone's cake baking techniques. She makes it very clear that the sauerkraut is to be folded, not stirred, into the batter but no one will listen. We see Maria repeatedly taking shots like all good Mormons, presumably after wrestling the bottle away from her sisters who must be guzzling it like water in order to deal with her.
Bachelorette party time! Maria and her unfortunate entourage take off for an overnight stay at what looks like a log cabin. Very posh. Maria is wearing a pleated denim mini skirt, stripped sweater, and Uggs. Evidently it is still 2005 in Wisconsin. And Maria is blithely unaware she is pushing 30. The ladies decide to head out to a beer festival, which along with sauerkraut festivals, is evidently the place to meet men around here. Other hot spots: curd processing plants, manure conventions and the Museum of Historic Torture Devices in the Dells.
We get a montage of Maria pounding beers, and the narrator comments that Maria has now drank enough to tranquilize a large bear. LOL narrator! Most of her friends seem to have disappeared, so I'm assuming they've edited out the girl sobbing in the corner covered in Maria's vomit. Take one for the team, bitch, it's Maria's bachelorette party!
Maria makes her way over to some sort of concert, hoists her foolishly dressed ass on stage, and then begins fondling herself and screaming "Maria's knockers!" Scott is one lucky man... I know of a good divorce attorney if that fake passport didn't come through for you, buddy. The lead singer gives Maria a bumper sticker as a reward for her fondling (that should tell her something about her sex appeal right there...), and Maria gives it to a sketchy random dude who sticks it on her butt with his face. Dude, now you got herpes. That sucks. The dude then offers to make out with Maria and I don't feel bad for him anymore because he's clearly a dirty pervert who lives in his mother's basement.
This is the last we see of Miss Maria, whose beautiful story will be continued in the next episode. Now let's turn to Sharon, shall we?
Sharon in engaged to James. They met 7 years ago at a (strip) club, and their wedding is in 2 days. Sharon's budget is only $10,000, and she tells us that the wedding can be cheap as long as it doesn't look cheap. Yes, you really fooled me with that bridal bouquet of just ribbons and those mismatched folding chairs at the wedding. Way to stretch a penny, Sharon!
Sharon was introduced to us in the previous episode that none of us watched, so the editors give us a quick recap: Sharon's stove let out a few wayward sparks and she screamed that the stove tried to kill her. Sharon asked someone on the phone if it's nasty to pee in the car. Sharon sobbed over the pain of getting her teeth whitened. Okay, so we got a melodramatic, unsanitary, emotionally unhinged bride. Got it, moving on.
Sharon heads off to the flower market to purchase flowers for the wedding. The first thing I notice is that this grown woman is using a Winnie the Pooh backpack/purse. I don't even know what to say about that except that it gives me hope that if a 37-year-old-Winnie-the-Pooh-toting woman can get married then maybe I can too. If not, I'll just have to kill myself, dear lord. Anyway, Sharon has a budget of $100 for all the flowers, and she immediately uses $60 on flower petals. She spends the other $40 on carnations which are getting a nice boost from their usual filler-flower status. Although if Sharon is on as tight of a budget as she claims, she should just go pick some dandelions on the side of the highway. They'd look just as nice, and could double as a nice salad at the reception. Martha Stewart, look out, I'm a-coming!
Some crazy shit then goes down when Sharon tries to pay for the flowers, with her somehow walking away convinced that the flower guy was trying to cheat her by overcharging. The only really significant things about this exchange are that 1) it made my head hurt and 2) neither Sharon nor the flower guy were confident that 9 times 5 is 45. Wow.
The craziness continues back at Sharon's home as she begins referring to herself in the third person as "Momma." She tells us that "Momma is about to cut her wrists" with no context, then launches into a long defense of Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride in 2005 who claimed she had been kidnapped and sexually assaulted. Really, THAT'S who you want to align yourself with, Momma? You know there's footage lying on the cutting room floor of Momma telling us how Charles Manson and Tom Cruise are just really, really misunderstood.
Momma is pissed that her so-called friends haven't been helping her enough with the wedding, and calls her wedding planner to cancel her rehearsal dinner because she isn't giving food to people who won't help her, not on her dime. Which is probably how much the food she was planning to serve cost. She shortly thereafter indulges in a crying spell about how no one cares about her and that people hate her. Well, I can't speak for everyone but I kinda hate you, sorry Momma.
It's the day of the wedding, and still no one is around to help set up for the wedding. We see Momma in a hotel getting ready, talking to her mom. This is awful, but I read about how there's been another case of the flesh-eating bacteria reported, and I think it was Momma's mom who made the report. Seriously, something is up with this woman's face and it's pretty damn nasty. Where's a screen grab when you need one? Damn these auditiongasm rules!
The bridal party is seen arriving, and they've got the poor flower girl decked out in her own puffy white wedding dress, complete with elbow-length gloves. She looks like she wants to kill someone and I don't blame her. Meanwhile someone else has confused the wedding with a costume party, because he is decked out like one of the Jackson 5 complete with tan suit, orange shirt with a huge collar, and an afro. Very nice.
The bridesmaids get in a tizzy because the DJ has forgotten to show up, and no one wants Momma to know. That's what you get when you pay the DJ in nickels you cheap ass. We see a random guy ask James if he still wants to get married, and James answers yes, missing the opportunity of his lifetime. Hey James, that divorce attorney I offered to Scott can be yours too, just let me know dude.
Next we hear that most of the guests are MIA, probably because Momma was too cheap to send out real invitations and people didn't get their Evites in time. This too is kept from Momma who knows something is up but so far is keep her shit together pretty well. (BTW, where is this "wedding planner" that we saw Momma speaking to earlier? What the hell is Momma paying these people?!) We then are introduced to Momma's brother who instantly makes me understand why Momma is a melodramatic, unsanitary, emotionally unhinged person. Hell, she's pretty lucky that she's turned out as well as she has, being raised with this guy. Momma's brother tells us that if there's ain't no DJ where a brother wants to party, he's going to leave. Yes, yes, please do.
Through the magic of commercial breaks and editing, the guests have suddenly all arrived after Evite send out a batch of reminders, and one of the guests knows a very talented DJ. So talented that he has absolutely nothing going on and is able to run over to Momma's wedding with 10 minutes notice. With everything fixed, the wedding can finally start -- two hours later than it was scheduled to. But it's okay, the bridesmaids took that extra time to put full-out clown makeup on Momma complete with a set of gigantic red lips. Momma used to be a very attractive woman, especially given her age. But now with the makeup and the wedding dress on, she looks eerily like Dennis Rodman's bridal getup. ::shuddering::
The ceremony begins and it's instantly a disaster for poor Momma. I bet now she REALLY wants to slit those wrists! The pastor has clearly been entertaining himself at the open bar (open bar? Who am I kidding? This is the cheapest wedding ever... I meant flask in his pocket) during the two-hour delay because he's so smashed he can't pronounce James' name. The pastor stumbles about 8 times in a row while Momma's brother sits and cackles loudly at her from the front row. Class. Act. At the same time, one of Momma's bridesmaids falls "deathly" ill and sprawls out on a chair like a rag doll. I think Momma's momma might have gotten too close to her. Someone get that woman quarantined!
After a few more mishaps, the ceremony is complete and we jump in time to the end of the reception. Momma is blubbering to the camera about how she has to clean up after her own reception in her wedding dress because all of her guests just left. I sorta feel a little bad for her, but if someone asked me to stick around after their wedding to help them pick up trash I'd punch them in the face. I came to your wedding to eat your food, get extremely drunk, and scope the single men, not clean up your shit. Oh, and wish you a happy life together, whatever, see ya.
We see Momma crawling around picking up garbage, and then the camera cuts to her brother trying to breakdance inside. Stop trying to build my sympathy, WE! Momma continues to blubber that she'll be sending out the thank you notes, thanking people for letting her know where she stands with them. She also says that there are a few people out there that love her and a lot of people that don't. Evidently James is not one of the people that loves her, because Momma's picking up trash and he's nowhere to be seen. Ouch.
And then the show ends, just like that with Momma sobbing hysterically about how no one loves her while sad violins played in the background. Very... uplifting. Yeah. I need a cocktail.