flipit
07-23-2007, 11:56 PM
by Noah
So they have been showing reruns of “The Surreal Life” on TV Guide Channel for quite a while now. This is an excellent pairing because “Surreal Life” is most definitely a show you only want to watch while you are being informed of what is on other channels.
The season currently being shown is the third, which featured …
Flavor Flav. I know that it seems impossible now, but once upon a time, Flav was an important artist and social critic. In the early 90s, Flav was considered sharp, political and dangerous, when Public Enemy was putting out songs like “911 is a Joke” (that’s “Nine-One-One is a Joke” not “Nine Eleven is a Joke,” though I’m sure that’s a popular conspiracy theory). Now he’s known as the dude in the Viking helmet trying to bang Red Sonja.
Brigitte Nielsen. The titular (ahem) star of Red Sonja was at one point an international sex symbol. Nielsen is probably the second most famous Danish woman in the world, after the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen. Every few years, vandals remove the head from the statue and the city replaces it. Looking at Brigitte Nielsen now, this seems like a very good idea.
Jordan Knight. Okay, think of the New Kids on the Block. Seriously, try it, for me. Okay, who comes to mind? Mark Wahlberg’s brother? No. The one with the scary blue eyes? Nope. The ugly one? Sorry … oh wait, was he one of those annoying brothers? Ding ding, and, if you’re curious, he was the more annoying one.
Charo. Every talk show host has a few go-to guests, someone you can call when your scheduled guest cancels at the last minute because you know they aren’t going to be busy. Conan O’Brien has Al Roker. Jimmy Kimmel has Adam Carolla. Jon Stewart has Bill Clinton, etc. Well Charo was part of Johnny Carson’s stable of desperation couch fillers. I’m a little too young to remember her appearances, though I understand they consisted of shaking her breasts and saying “Coochie coochie.” That said, Charo is, without a doubt THE CLASSY ONE on this season of Surreal Life.
Dave Coulier. A key dividing line in Gen X/Gen Y is if you think of Coulier as “the guy from Out of Control” or “the guy from Full House.” Or, at least, it was until he became best known as “the guy Alanis Morrisette is probably singing about in ‘You Oughta Know.’” Okay, if he was, A) ew and B) when she did to him in a theatre what she claims to have done to him in a theatre … do you think he used the Popeye voice? Brings a new meaning to the phrase “Blow me down!”
Ryan Starr. Apparently she was on the first season of American Idol, and is not, as her name would suggest, an adult film actress.
Today’s episode is “Making the Single: Part A.” That’s right, A, as in “A Horrible Idea.” You see, the housemates are told in the morning that they have to write, produce and record a song by midnight. Just to remind you, Prince went about five or six years without releasing any good music before returning to form. So we can be pretty sure that the Charo/Uncle Joey team is gonna crank out a classic in 14 hours.
But first we’re treated to a series of shots of everybody waking up. Nielsen has apparently been sleeping on the couch and Flav has been watching her sleep for an unspecified amount of time. How much time would it have to have been to qualify as “creepy”? Trick question. Any amount of time Flavor Flav spends watching anyone sleep is creepier than twelve slugs with head lice.
The Nielsen/Flav “romance” was the big ongoing plot this season and inspired ultimately four spinoffs (Strange Love, Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School). That’s right, somehow this edited squabbling between two staggeringly unattractive people captivated so many Americans, that VH-1 said “Let’s make hours and hours more of this” and we all ate it up. This is one of these mysteries we’re never going to be able to explain to our children, just like how our parents couldn’t explain why, in 1967, the year of Sergeant Pepper, The Doors’ “Light My Fire,” Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl,” and Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” the number one single on the Billboard charts was “To Sir With Love” by Lulu.
So anyway they have to record a song and Jordan Knight, who has repeatedly said he didn’t want to do the show and is only here to promote his new album, is the producer. (By the way, it’s a shrewd strategy to go on a reality show and announce you’re there to promote yourself and you think the whole endeavor is asinine. No way the producers will take that as their cue to make you look like the biggest douchebag from Boston since Whitey Bulger).
We get a very brief look at the writing of the song, which consists of Nielsen ad-libbing Danish rhymes while Charo plays flamenco guitar. Flav, meanwhile, calls his mother and tells her he thinks this song could be a big hit. He later tells the camera “I ain’t gonna lie to you. My (bleep) was hard half of the session.” Flav is getting roasted on Comedy Central soon, which seems pretty redundant when you can show clips like this.
Star begins to get upset that Knight is dominating everything. You could almost sympathize with her if she didn’t come across so much like Amy Poehler’s impression of Avril Lavigne (“Blah! I’m a punk! This is my mad face!”).
It seems the primary creative forces here are Knight and Flav. Hey, just for fun, travel back in time to 1990 sometime and tell a young rap fan that in fourteen years Flav would be playing second fiddle to a member of New Kids on the Block and see how long it takes him to kill himself.
The recording will be done at Conway Studios, prompting Charo to say “This is Conway Studios, where I live. They’re bringing us to the best studio in the world.” Don’t try to parse the logic here of Charo’s “home studio” being the best in the world … that’s the kind of paradox Captain Kirk used to use to make robots blow up on Star Trek.
We meet our engineer, who, we are told, has handled recordings for Blink 182 and Limp Bizkit. Presumably, this is his punishment.
Knight defends his domination of the session by saying that in his long illustrious career he learned that “If you get too many people in the room, too many ideas start flying around.” Oh, I’m sure that was a problem in New Kids recording sessions all the time.
Jordan: I think in the third verse, we should say “ooh baby, yeah yeah yeah.”
The Ugly One: No way, it should be “ooh yeah, baby baby baby”
Mark Wahlberg’s Brother: Guys, maybe we should leave these decisions up to those guys Maurice Starr hired to sing for us.
This is the logic behind why Jordan thinks Charo’s guitar playing – and I’m far from an expert, but she seems like a pretty darn good flamenco guitar player – is best used as a “seasoning” for his own falsetto voice and synthesizer solos.
Here’s a little personal insight I have into Jordan Knight. I used to live semi-close to him in Boston, in a neighborhood near Fenway Park. In this neighborhood, there is a block with some really great restaurants – a classy Italian place, a great Mexican place, an excellent, authentic Thai place, and a very generic bar and grill. Guess which one Jordan Knight was a regular at? That’s right, whenever faced with the choice of something distinctive and flavorfull, Jordan Knight will go for the over-breaded chicken thumbs.
Charo thinks Knight is “infantilizing” the music … this from a woman who, in her sixties, is still known as “The Coochie Coochie Girl.”
The only dissenter in the “Jordan Knight is being mean and bossy” bitchfest seems to be Coulier, who thinks Knight is not taking enough control. There is only one possible explanation. Coulier, the man who used to receive oral sex in movie theatres from teenage pop stars, wants to be dominated by a former member of the New Kids on the Block. Presumably his fantasy involves Knight wearing a leather harness and acid washed jeans. And their safe word would be “cut … it … out,” though the accompanying hand gesture would be difficult to perform if Coulier is handcuffed to a radiator.
Coulier is also upset that Flav and Nielsen are spending so much time getting their hair done, though that’s probably just old Stamos frustration talking.
The engineer is trying to make the most of this, saying “Maybe we’ll create some genius new style of music and the world will fall in love it. I’m sure the Germans will love it,” instantly making him the most likable character on the show, presumably especially in Germany, since Germans are noted for their ability to laugh at themselves.
Knight has gone and come back with Lou Pearlman, the producer of such acts as The Backstreet Boys and ’Nsync. Yes, I’m sure Lou Perlman takes Jordan Knight’s phone calls all the time. Thanks for the totally authentic, not at all staged drama, VH-1!
Starr is freaking out at this point because the song is too pop/R&B for her and she thinks this will destroy her rock cred. Well, that is a serious concern. According to Wikipedia, her performances on American Idol included noted hard rock classics “Frim Fram Sauce” by Nat King Cole, “Last Dance” by Donna Summer, and “These Boots Are Made for Walking” by Nancy Sinatra … it would be a shame if something less rocking snuck onto her discography. Starr whines to the camera that she really doesn’t want this song played on the radio … which is a little like worrying that Refrigerator Perry might get elected president some day.
In a remarkably Bushesque moment, Knight ignores the chaos and misery around him and declares the song is going to be a masterpiece. Starr loses it completely and shuts herself in the bathroom, yelling “This is like American Idol all over again!” (presumably she means the recording experience, not because she opened the door to find Paula Abdul with her face in the toilet).
And that’s your cliffhanger, ladies and gentlemen! Say tuned for part B
Will Ryan Starr ever leave the bathroom?
Will Flav and Nielsen’s hairdresser ever be able to get her hands clean again?
Will Dave Coulier’s mouth-trumpet noises make it onto the album?
Will Charo record a Spanish version of the song including lyrics about Jordan Knight dying in a tragic slap-a-wrist bracelet accident?
Find out next time … from somebody other than me!
So they have been showing reruns of “The Surreal Life” on TV Guide Channel for quite a while now. This is an excellent pairing because “Surreal Life” is most definitely a show you only want to watch while you are being informed of what is on other channels.
The season currently being shown is the third, which featured …
Flavor Flav. I know that it seems impossible now, but once upon a time, Flav was an important artist and social critic. In the early 90s, Flav was considered sharp, political and dangerous, when Public Enemy was putting out songs like “911 is a Joke” (that’s “Nine-One-One is a Joke” not “Nine Eleven is a Joke,” though I’m sure that’s a popular conspiracy theory). Now he’s known as the dude in the Viking helmet trying to bang Red Sonja.
Brigitte Nielsen. The titular (ahem) star of Red Sonja was at one point an international sex symbol. Nielsen is probably the second most famous Danish woman in the world, after the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen. Every few years, vandals remove the head from the statue and the city replaces it. Looking at Brigitte Nielsen now, this seems like a very good idea.
Jordan Knight. Okay, think of the New Kids on the Block. Seriously, try it, for me. Okay, who comes to mind? Mark Wahlberg’s brother? No. The one with the scary blue eyes? Nope. The ugly one? Sorry … oh wait, was he one of those annoying brothers? Ding ding, and, if you’re curious, he was the more annoying one.
Charo. Every talk show host has a few go-to guests, someone you can call when your scheduled guest cancels at the last minute because you know they aren’t going to be busy. Conan O’Brien has Al Roker. Jimmy Kimmel has Adam Carolla. Jon Stewart has Bill Clinton, etc. Well Charo was part of Johnny Carson’s stable of desperation couch fillers. I’m a little too young to remember her appearances, though I understand they consisted of shaking her breasts and saying “Coochie coochie.” That said, Charo is, without a doubt THE CLASSY ONE on this season of Surreal Life.
Dave Coulier. A key dividing line in Gen X/Gen Y is if you think of Coulier as “the guy from Out of Control” or “the guy from Full House.” Or, at least, it was until he became best known as “the guy Alanis Morrisette is probably singing about in ‘You Oughta Know.’” Okay, if he was, A) ew and B) when she did to him in a theatre what she claims to have done to him in a theatre … do you think he used the Popeye voice? Brings a new meaning to the phrase “Blow me down!”
Ryan Starr. Apparently she was on the first season of American Idol, and is not, as her name would suggest, an adult film actress.
Today’s episode is “Making the Single: Part A.” That’s right, A, as in “A Horrible Idea.” You see, the housemates are told in the morning that they have to write, produce and record a song by midnight. Just to remind you, Prince went about five or six years without releasing any good music before returning to form. So we can be pretty sure that the Charo/Uncle Joey team is gonna crank out a classic in 14 hours.
But first we’re treated to a series of shots of everybody waking up. Nielsen has apparently been sleeping on the couch and Flav has been watching her sleep for an unspecified amount of time. How much time would it have to have been to qualify as “creepy”? Trick question. Any amount of time Flavor Flav spends watching anyone sleep is creepier than twelve slugs with head lice.
The Nielsen/Flav “romance” was the big ongoing plot this season and inspired ultimately four spinoffs (Strange Love, Flavor of Love, I Love New York and Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School). That’s right, somehow this edited squabbling between two staggeringly unattractive people captivated so many Americans, that VH-1 said “Let’s make hours and hours more of this” and we all ate it up. This is one of these mysteries we’re never going to be able to explain to our children, just like how our parents couldn’t explain why, in 1967, the year of Sergeant Pepper, The Doors’ “Light My Fire,” Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl,” and Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” the number one single on the Billboard charts was “To Sir With Love” by Lulu.
So anyway they have to record a song and Jordan Knight, who has repeatedly said he didn’t want to do the show and is only here to promote his new album, is the producer. (By the way, it’s a shrewd strategy to go on a reality show and announce you’re there to promote yourself and you think the whole endeavor is asinine. No way the producers will take that as their cue to make you look like the biggest douchebag from Boston since Whitey Bulger).
We get a very brief look at the writing of the song, which consists of Nielsen ad-libbing Danish rhymes while Charo plays flamenco guitar. Flav, meanwhile, calls his mother and tells her he thinks this song could be a big hit. He later tells the camera “I ain’t gonna lie to you. My (bleep) was hard half of the session.” Flav is getting roasted on Comedy Central soon, which seems pretty redundant when you can show clips like this.
Star begins to get upset that Knight is dominating everything. You could almost sympathize with her if she didn’t come across so much like Amy Poehler’s impression of Avril Lavigne (“Blah! I’m a punk! This is my mad face!”).
It seems the primary creative forces here are Knight and Flav. Hey, just for fun, travel back in time to 1990 sometime and tell a young rap fan that in fourteen years Flav would be playing second fiddle to a member of New Kids on the Block and see how long it takes him to kill himself.
The recording will be done at Conway Studios, prompting Charo to say “This is Conway Studios, where I live. They’re bringing us to the best studio in the world.” Don’t try to parse the logic here of Charo’s “home studio” being the best in the world … that’s the kind of paradox Captain Kirk used to use to make robots blow up on Star Trek.
We meet our engineer, who, we are told, has handled recordings for Blink 182 and Limp Bizkit. Presumably, this is his punishment.
Knight defends his domination of the session by saying that in his long illustrious career he learned that “If you get too many people in the room, too many ideas start flying around.” Oh, I’m sure that was a problem in New Kids recording sessions all the time.
Jordan: I think in the third verse, we should say “ooh baby, yeah yeah yeah.”
The Ugly One: No way, it should be “ooh yeah, baby baby baby”
Mark Wahlberg’s Brother: Guys, maybe we should leave these decisions up to those guys Maurice Starr hired to sing for us.
This is the logic behind why Jordan thinks Charo’s guitar playing – and I’m far from an expert, but she seems like a pretty darn good flamenco guitar player – is best used as a “seasoning” for his own falsetto voice and synthesizer solos.
Here’s a little personal insight I have into Jordan Knight. I used to live semi-close to him in Boston, in a neighborhood near Fenway Park. In this neighborhood, there is a block with some really great restaurants – a classy Italian place, a great Mexican place, an excellent, authentic Thai place, and a very generic bar and grill. Guess which one Jordan Knight was a regular at? That’s right, whenever faced with the choice of something distinctive and flavorfull, Jordan Knight will go for the over-breaded chicken thumbs.
Charo thinks Knight is “infantilizing” the music … this from a woman who, in her sixties, is still known as “The Coochie Coochie Girl.”
The only dissenter in the “Jordan Knight is being mean and bossy” bitchfest seems to be Coulier, who thinks Knight is not taking enough control. There is only one possible explanation. Coulier, the man who used to receive oral sex in movie theatres from teenage pop stars, wants to be dominated by a former member of the New Kids on the Block. Presumably his fantasy involves Knight wearing a leather harness and acid washed jeans. And their safe word would be “cut … it … out,” though the accompanying hand gesture would be difficult to perform if Coulier is handcuffed to a radiator.
Coulier is also upset that Flav and Nielsen are spending so much time getting their hair done, though that’s probably just old Stamos frustration talking.
The engineer is trying to make the most of this, saying “Maybe we’ll create some genius new style of music and the world will fall in love it. I’m sure the Germans will love it,” instantly making him the most likable character on the show, presumably especially in Germany, since Germans are noted for their ability to laugh at themselves.
Knight has gone and come back with Lou Pearlman, the producer of such acts as The Backstreet Boys and ’Nsync. Yes, I’m sure Lou Perlman takes Jordan Knight’s phone calls all the time. Thanks for the totally authentic, not at all staged drama, VH-1!
Starr is freaking out at this point because the song is too pop/R&B for her and she thinks this will destroy her rock cred. Well, that is a serious concern. According to Wikipedia, her performances on American Idol included noted hard rock classics “Frim Fram Sauce” by Nat King Cole, “Last Dance” by Donna Summer, and “These Boots Are Made for Walking” by Nancy Sinatra … it would be a shame if something less rocking snuck onto her discography. Starr whines to the camera that she really doesn’t want this song played on the radio … which is a little like worrying that Refrigerator Perry might get elected president some day.
In a remarkably Bushesque moment, Knight ignores the chaos and misery around him and declares the song is going to be a masterpiece. Starr loses it completely and shuts herself in the bathroom, yelling “This is like American Idol all over again!” (presumably she means the recording experience, not because she opened the door to find Paula Abdul with her face in the toilet).
And that’s your cliffhanger, ladies and gentlemen! Say tuned for part B
Will Ryan Starr ever leave the bathroom?
Will Flav and Nielsen’s hairdresser ever be able to get her hands clean again?
Will Dave Coulier’s mouth-trumpet noises make it onto the album?
Will Charo record a Spanish version of the song including lyrics about Jordan Knight dying in a tragic slap-a-wrist bracelet accident?
Find out next time … from somebody other than me!