flipit
08-21-2007, 06:38 PM
**Note from the Editor: HOLLA! We are changing up the way we do auditiongasms to get more accurate results. If you love or hate this writer, please leave a comment! THANKS! And now, welcome EMMZ!!
You've seen Janice. You've seen Paula. Now get (fabulous) ready (fabulous) for Kimora! (fabulous, fabulous!) Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane offers us nonfamous nobodies some insight into the hectic frivolity that is the life and times of Kimora Lee Simmons, CEO of the Baby Phat brand.
We start this episode with Kimora demanding her BlackBerry from a wide-eyed assistant, who disappoints his mistress by not having the device on his person at all times. A second assistant scurries into the room and further thwarts Kimora's attempts to schedule herself by not having Queen Phat's upcoming schedule burned permanently into her brain. Kimora has had enough, and deems it Assistant Hiring Time!
We then move on to the requisite montage of goofy potential assistants being interviewed by Kimora's BFMG (Big Fat Main Gay). One cute blonde girl calls Baby Phat "ghetto fabulous", which she says she read on the internet. Another girl claims to not use the term 'fat' (phat?) but will absolutely use the term 'fabulous'. I think we are up to about 12 utterances of 'fabulous so far at like 5 minutes into the show. When asked about her greatest weakness, one girl replies, "candy!" BFMG and one of Kimora's other assistants are concerned at the total lack of quality candidates, when who should arrive but Mallory! Mallory is like a toothier version of Anne Hathaway's character in The Devil Wears Prada. I smell a storyline!
Mallory is young, not un-cute, and has a Joker-like ear-to-ear smile that exposes all 50 of her teeth. She claims to be truly interested in working for Baby Phat, citing inspiration in Kimora's ability to "be involved in all the decisions that are made." Um, well, she is CEO, though I guess in this age of hotel heiresses and pop stars running their own companies, you can't be too sure! BFMG drills Mallory through a somewhat charming role-playing test, in which Mallory showcases her ability to be steadfastly positive, cheery, and always, always smiling. God, I want to hate her, but she's just too damn happy!
Anyway, Mallory is the only potential assistant to earn BFMG's approval, and to Kimora's great dismay, he informs her that there is only one good assistant among all the interviewees. "We need a lot of 'one good assistants'," says Kimora, eyes narrowed at poor BFMG. He popped-collaredly tells the camera that he truly hopes Kimora likes Mallory so that he can end the torturous process of weeding through future professional dumbasses.
Queen Phat herself meets with Mallory, and Kimora clearly wishes she were a notoriously brutal ice queen fashion magazine editor hiring a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed assistant to take her abuse on the regular. Mallory grins her way through the interview, complementing Kimora's children, which inexplicably seems to offend Her Majesty. Kimora acts coolly impressed by one of the Joker's previous employment positions with a company/person whose name I can't make out (Foursome Stevens? I don't know).
Mallory tells Kimora that it's not like she'll leave work just because it's 6 o'clock, she'll stay until the job gets done. Kimora hilariously narrows her eyes, icily replying that that's exactly what she herself does, staying until the job is done, even when everyone around her has abandoned her to the harsh, cold world of designing ugly clothes to sell at K-Mart. It's all very dramatic, and again, totally poor-man's Miranda Priestly.
Kimora hatefully asks the Joker if she ever stops smiling. When Mallory grinningly says no, Kimora tells her that she believes a smile is one's greatest accessory. Mallory mistakes this for a compliment and gets all starstruck in thanking Her Majesty. Finally, Kimora asks if 8 am tomorrow works for Mallory, then sort of brushes past the fact that she has just hired the poor girl. Mallory is sort of taken aback in a charmingly awkward way and again thanks Kimora profusely, telling the camera how excited she is to work for Baby Phat. Which she's sure will be a challenging and exciting job. Keep telling yourself that, Jaws.
Thankfully Kimora is made happier by the arrival of her very own custom-made Barbie doll! It even comes with a tiny plastic version of Kimora's tiny fluffy dog, Zoe. Kimora gushes to the camera that she was responsible for every aspect of the doll's design, from her clothes to her makeup to her hair. Is there really much else to designing a doll? It's amazing the way Queen Phat and everyone around her are so regularly impressed by the things that people do when they have jobs that require them to do those things. This doll is pretty fugly, wearing a nouveau riche-looking gray fur coat and sporting spidery long eyelashes. If it had been Kimora instead of Tyra Banks alongside Lindsay Lohan in Life-Size, this doll would turn into Queen Phat. Her Majesty declares that it's time for a focus group to find the perfect child demographic to bombard with Barbie marketing.
Kimora finds her (admittedly adorable) kids chillin' in a bedroom somewhere. First she asks them for help on figuring out what the hell to say in her acceptance speech. The older one, Ming, suggests thanking all of her dogs, which Kimora says will be considered but probably won't make it into the final draft. Little sister Aoki suggests thanking the person that brings her soup. Kimora has no clue which of her many servants delivers Aoki's soup and guesses "Cindy", but Aoki corrects her and says that it's Sandra. Her brain having clearly overloaded from too much speech writing, Queen Phat busts out the new Barbie to show her daughters, calling it her mini-me.
Aoki and Ming are pretty psyched about the Barbie, which Kimora sort of childishly teases the younger one with. Bitchface firmly in place, she then informs one of the kids- "Miss Animal Welfare", she calls her - that the fluffy gray coat on the doll is faux Chinchilla. This woman is accusatorially complaining to her own child about the fact that she didn't use real Chinchilla fur. For her Barbie's fur coat. Nevertheless, the kids seem to like the doll and Kimora leaves it with them as she takes off to do… whatever it is she does. Participate in decision-making, I guess?
It's now the big day of Kimora's award show - turns out she's being honored as Designer of the Year. The only mentions of this award I can find on Google are from episode descriptions for this show, so read into that what you will. Mallory arrives at the House of Fabulosity and is immediately chided by a fellow assistant (Sandra, actually, Aoki's soup-bringer) for coming in through the front door. The nerve! How dare the Joker not have known how much Kimora hates when the common people enter through her divine portal? I mean, come on: she provides a Servant's Entrance for a reason, people! Get with the program!
I'd like to say here that for research purposes I had to visit Kimora's MySpace page, and am I glad I did, because if I hadn't, I would never have known to order my very own pair of Baby Phat limited edition 'Jewel of the Nile' sneakers, which feature 14 karat gold, diamonds and multicolored anaconda skin. She's only having her childr- er, I mean her sweatshop employees making 100 pairs, people! These kicks are classy with a capital 'K'.
Anyway, so after Mallory has learned her lesson about intruding on the sacred ground of Kimora's front entrance, it's time to adorn Queen Phat with shoes, jewelry, and all the other things that most people have to deign to put on themselves! Can you imagine? The horror. Mallory is standing around doing nothing. She's wearing bright red peep-toe heels, which Kimora complements while backhandedly pointing out that they clash with her pink toenails. Mallory unwaveringly responds that the color is actually some magical perfect blend of red and pink. Kimora prays to Jebus, making a big show of saying she's sorry for only calling on Him when she needs something, and that she's going to try to talk to Him more often. Riiiiight.
Once Her Majesty has been decorated with the finest luxury goods imported from the Far East (read: Made in China), it's time to roll. Mallory wants to do something other than standing around watching Kimora get ready, so she asks if there's anything she can carry or help with. Kimora looks down her nose at the Joker and says with oodles of contempt in her voice, "No… not now. Perhaps once I've gotten to know you better, there will be something." Mallory's grin collapses on itself. Um, isn't that why people hire assistants? To… do stuff for them? Whatever, it's all totally obviously a performance. Kimora tells us that Mallory is the n00b of her team and thus must be treated harshly to test for thick skin.
Now it's time to head to… somewhere… for Kimora's Designer of the Year award and acceptance speech. This venue looks like a low-budget wedding at a community center or something. Seriously, I keep waiting for the Chicken Dance or the Electric Slide. Boogy-oogy-oogy! That's not fabulous enough for Kimora, however, who has been practicing her speech despite not quite knowing how to read. Mallory squees about how happy she was to be able to sneak off to the back of the auditorium to watch Kimora's speech. Huh. I would have figured the assistants would be able to, you know, stay backstage or something? Whatever.
Kimora is introduced for her award by Vogue's editor-at-large, André Leon Talley. Hey, he's the guy who told Whitney from The Hills that she was pretty enough to model for reals. Queen Phat ascends the stage to accept her award, and makes some kind of fuss about how the statuette she was given is too heavy for her to hold, and does she have to hold it during her whole speech? The answer is no, and after only a few awkward moments of uncomfortable audience laughter, Kimora's ready to deliver her speech. She thanks her Baby Phat team unemotionally, then launches into a stilted reading of her speech discussing her obligation as a woman to inspire and empower other women. I don't know about you, but nothing empowers me more than terrified assistants, servants' entrances and clothing brands that are homonyms for teenager chub!
Kimora wraps up her speech and reunites with her BFMG for some self-applause. She was fabulous! The award was fabulous, the speech was fabulous, and everything was just FABULOUS. My TiVo stopped recording at this point, so I was left perched on the edge of my seat, salivating and riveted, unable to contain my great desire for more Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane! Can you handle a whole season of this fabulosity? I know I can!
You've seen Janice. You've seen Paula. Now get (fabulous) ready (fabulous) for Kimora! (fabulous, fabulous!) Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane offers us nonfamous nobodies some insight into the hectic frivolity that is the life and times of Kimora Lee Simmons, CEO of the Baby Phat brand.
We start this episode with Kimora demanding her BlackBerry from a wide-eyed assistant, who disappoints his mistress by not having the device on his person at all times. A second assistant scurries into the room and further thwarts Kimora's attempts to schedule herself by not having Queen Phat's upcoming schedule burned permanently into her brain. Kimora has had enough, and deems it Assistant Hiring Time!
We then move on to the requisite montage of goofy potential assistants being interviewed by Kimora's BFMG (Big Fat Main Gay). One cute blonde girl calls Baby Phat "ghetto fabulous", which she says she read on the internet. Another girl claims to not use the term 'fat' (phat?) but will absolutely use the term 'fabulous'. I think we are up to about 12 utterances of 'fabulous so far at like 5 minutes into the show. When asked about her greatest weakness, one girl replies, "candy!" BFMG and one of Kimora's other assistants are concerned at the total lack of quality candidates, when who should arrive but Mallory! Mallory is like a toothier version of Anne Hathaway's character in The Devil Wears Prada. I smell a storyline!
Mallory is young, not un-cute, and has a Joker-like ear-to-ear smile that exposes all 50 of her teeth. She claims to be truly interested in working for Baby Phat, citing inspiration in Kimora's ability to "be involved in all the decisions that are made." Um, well, she is CEO, though I guess in this age of hotel heiresses and pop stars running their own companies, you can't be too sure! BFMG drills Mallory through a somewhat charming role-playing test, in which Mallory showcases her ability to be steadfastly positive, cheery, and always, always smiling. God, I want to hate her, but she's just too damn happy!
Anyway, Mallory is the only potential assistant to earn BFMG's approval, and to Kimora's great dismay, he informs her that there is only one good assistant among all the interviewees. "We need a lot of 'one good assistants'," says Kimora, eyes narrowed at poor BFMG. He popped-collaredly tells the camera that he truly hopes Kimora likes Mallory so that he can end the torturous process of weeding through future professional dumbasses.
Queen Phat herself meets with Mallory, and Kimora clearly wishes she were a notoriously brutal ice queen fashion magazine editor hiring a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed assistant to take her abuse on the regular. Mallory grins her way through the interview, complementing Kimora's children, which inexplicably seems to offend Her Majesty. Kimora acts coolly impressed by one of the Joker's previous employment positions with a company/person whose name I can't make out (Foursome Stevens? I don't know).
Mallory tells Kimora that it's not like she'll leave work just because it's 6 o'clock, she'll stay until the job gets done. Kimora hilariously narrows her eyes, icily replying that that's exactly what she herself does, staying until the job is done, even when everyone around her has abandoned her to the harsh, cold world of designing ugly clothes to sell at K-Mart. It's all very dramatic, and again, totally poor-man's Miranda Priestly.
Kimora hatefully asks the Joker if she ever stops smiling. When Mallory grinningly says no, Kimora tells her that she believes a smile is one's greatest accessory. Mallory mistakes this for a compliment and gets all starstruck in thanking Her Majesty. Finally, Kimora asks if 8 am tomorrow works for Mallory, then sort of brushes past the fact that she has just hired the poor girl. Mallory is sort of taken aback in a charmingly awkward way and again thanks Kimora profusely, telling the camera how excited she is to work for Baby Phat. Which she's sure will be a challenging and exciting job. Keep telling yourself that, Jaws.
Thankfully Kimora is made happier by the arrival of her very own custom-made Barbie doll! It even comes with a tiny plastic version of Kimora's tiny fluffy dog, Zoe. Kimora gushes to the camera that she was responsible for every aspect of the doll's design, from her clothes to her makeup to her hair. Is there really much else to designing a doll? It's amazing the way Queen Phat and everyone around her are so regularly impressed by the things that people do when they have jobs that require them to do those things. This doll is pretty fugly, wearing a nouveau riche-looking gray fur coat and sporting spidery long eyelashes. If it had been Kimora instead of Tyra Banks alongside Lindsay Lohan in Life-Size, this doll would turn into Queen Phat. Her Majesty declares that it's time for a focus group to find the perfect child demographic to bombard with Barbie marketing.
Kimora finds her (admittedly adorable) kids chillin' in a bedroom somewhere. First she asks them for help on figuring out what the hell to say in her acceptance speech. The older one, Ming, suggests thanking all of her dogs, which Kimora says will be considered but probably won't make it into the final draft. Little sister Aoki suggests thanking the person that brings her soup. Kimora has no clue which of her many servants delivers Aoki's soup and guesses "Cindy", but Aoki corrects her and says that it's Sandra. Her brain having clearly overloaded from too much speech writing, Queen Phat busts out the new Barbie to show her daughters, calling it her mini-me.
Aoki and Ming are pretty psyched about the Barbie, which Kimora sort of childishly teases the younger one with. Bitchface firmly in place, she then informs one of the kids- "Miss Animal Welfare", she calls her - that the fluffy gray coat on the doll is faux Chinchilla. This woman is accusatorially complaining to her own child about the fact that she didn't use real Chinchilla fur. For her Barbie's fur coat. Nevertheless, the kids seem to like the doll and Kimora leaves it with them as she takes off to do… whatever it is she does. Participate in decision-making, I guess?
It's now the big day of Kimora's award show - turns out she's being honored as Designer of the Year. The only mentions of this award I can find on Google are from episode descriptions for this show, so read into that what you will. Mallory arrives at the House of Fabulosity and is immediately chided by a fellow assistant (Sandra, actually, Aoki's soup-bringer) for coming in through the front door. The nerve! How dare the Joker not have known how much Kimora hates when the common people enter through her divine portal? I mean, come on: she provides a Servant's Entrance for a reason, people! Get with the program!
I'd like to say here that for research purposes I had to visit Kimora's MySpace page, and am I glad I did, because if I hadn't, I would never have known to order my very own pair of Baby Phat limited edition 'Jewel of the Nile' sneakers, which feature 14 karat gold, diamonds and multicolored anaconda skin. She's only having her childr- er, I mean her sweatshop employees making 100 pairs, people! These kicks are classy with a capital 'K'.
Anyway, so after Mallory has learned her lesson about intruding on the sacred ground of Kimora's front entrance, it's time to adorn Queen Phat with shoes, jewelry, and all the other things that most people have to deign to put on themselves! Can you imagine? The horror. Mallory is standing around doing nothing. She's wearing bright red peep-toe heels, which Kimora complements while backhandedly pointing out that they clash with her pink toenails. Mallory unwaveringly responds that the color is actually some magical perfect blend of red and pink. Kimora prays to Jebus, making a big show of saying she's sorry for only calling on Him when she needs something, and that she's going to try to talk to Him more often. Riiiiight.
Once Her Majesty has been decorated with the finest luxury goods imported from the Far East (read: Made in China), it's time to roll. Mallory wants to do something other than standing around watching Kimora get ready, so she asks if there's anything she can carry or help with. Kimora looks down her nose at the Joker and says with oodles of contempt in her voice, "No… not now. Perhaps once I've gotten to know you better, there will be something." Mallory's grin collapses on itself. Um, isn't that why people hire assistants? To… do stuff for them? Whatever, it's all totally obviously a performance. Kimora tells us that Mallory is the n00b of her team and thus must be treated harshly to test for thick skin.
Now it's time to head to… somewhere… for Kimora's Designer of the Year award and acceptance speech. This venue looks like a low-budget wedding at a community center or something. Seriously, I keep waiting for the Chicken Dance or the Electric Slide. Boogy-oogy-oogy! That's not fabulous enough for Kimora, however, who has been practicing her speech despite not quite knowing how to read. Mallory squees about how happy she was to be able to sneak off to the back of the auditorium to watch Kimora's speech. Huh. I would have figured the assistants would be able to, you know, stay backstage or something? Whatever.
Kimora is introduced for her award by Vogue's editor-at-large, André Leon Talley. Hey, he's the guy who told Whitney from The Hills that she was pretty enough to model for reals. Queen Phat ascends the stage to accept her award, and makes some kind of fuss about how the statuette she was given is too heavy for her to hold, and does she have to hold it during her whole speech? The answer is no, and after only a few awkward moments of uncomfortable audience laughter, Kimora's ready to deliver her speech. She thanks her Baby Phat team unemotionally, then launches into a stilted reading of her speech discussing her obligation as a woman to inspire and empower other women. I don't know about you, but nothing empowers me more than terrified assistants, servants' entrances and clothing brands that are homonyms for teenager chub!
Kimora wraps up her speech and reunites with her BFMG for some self-applause. She was fabulous! The award was fabulous, the speech was fabulous, and everything was just FABULOUS. My TiVo stopped recording at this point, so I was left perched on the edge of my seat, salivating and riveted, unable to contain my great desire for more Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane! Can you handle a whole season of this fabulosity? I know I can!