flipit
08-31-2007, 10:35 PM
***Hey guys! Time for another round of Auditiongasm! We have changed the way we are voting. There will be no more polling. We need to hear an actual opinion from ya, so please leave yours in the comment section. For those of you who don't want to take the time to register in the forums, it is painless, I promise! If my lazy ass can do it, you can! And now, please welcome Valley Jew!
Pickup Artist, Episode 4.
They Should Teach This in Every High School!
It’s the fourth episode of VH1’s The Pickup Artist and Mystery, the “world’s greatest pick-up artist,” is back with his two wingmen: the impossibly dull J-Dub and the impossibly Latin Matador. Their task is to find the next great pick-up artist from a group of likable nerds who came into the competition with clothes purchased at Marshall’s in the 1980s and slim possibilities of procreating. I assuming VH1 wandered into some mother’s basement and found eight guys playing Dungeons and Dragons while wearing non-functioning virtual-reality helmets and said, “We’re done. Our show is cast.”
So far, two nerds have gone home, and it is, as Mystery says, “Time to step up your game.”
We’re in Austin, and the guys are scared. They don’t know who has been sent home yet. Whew, it’s Brady, the tall good-looking blond guy who should be able to get laid, not Fred, the forty-five year old virgin who needs Mystery’s help like Bush needs Cheney.
The gang is relieved for some reason. They want him as their wingman, apparently.
Brady was properly scolded for not applying Mystery’s teachings. Get behind him, Nerd. You must learn the ways of a true pick-up artist. PUA for short.
The boys celebrate with some near beer. But it’s still tense. They could all be the one sent back to their mom’s basement next.
Scott wakes up early to study Mystery’s extensive training manual. Smart man because Mystery is coming by with a surprise.
The world’s greatest PUA shows up with Rob Zombie’s hat and Dave Navarro’s pseudo-pirate garb. He there, he explains, to teach them to be artists. Artists of conquering poon.
Mystery asks the boys, “Who thinks you’re a good kisser?”
Everyone but Scott raises a hand. Scott explains that he has a lack of experience. The blue dye that he got on his bangs in the last show to “peacock”/attract the ladies looking like a prank no one wants to tell him about.
Mystery has a treat for them: Two pretty women are going teach them how to kiss. But, pay attention, boys. There’s going to be a test.
Tara, the blond, is Mystery’s wingwoman. She believes that Mystery’s method teaches people to make a connection that is beyond sex. That’s why she’s there. Leah the redhead just likes instructing nerds on TV, I guess.
While porno music plays the girls explain that kissing is really important. A first is huge, declares Tara. The first kiss is about comfort, not arousal, which leads to most of the guys adjusting their legs to hide their boners.
Leah teaches the guys to make a “C” with their fingers across their face by demonstrating on Tara. She also calls them “gentlemen” over and over which makes the scene even more perverse.
Big Joey wants to know how to initiate the kiss. Surprisingly he’s never done that. He doesn’t want to be slapped.
“Look for the signals,” Tara says, as I wonder how many of these guys came a little bit when the girls almost kissed, “but when you do it, don’t hesitate. It takes confidence.”
Damn, not confidence again, every guy in the room thinks.
And here comes the peaches. Each boy gets a peach to practice on. Cue montage of grown men kissing fruit. “Listen to what the peach is saying,” Leah says. “And no tongue for the first thirty seconds.” As the peaches become drenched in saliva, the girls are impressed.
Now it’s time for the test. The winner gets Mystery voice communicated to them from an ear bud as they wander the club looking for vulnerable women. (Little note: Mystery has black fingernail polish on. That’s peacocking, ladies.) The boys need that like Cheney needs meatloaf.
But here’s the better news. The boys are going to kiss Tara. The best kisser gets the ear bud. And the better news for Tara, she gets to wear a blindfold.
Scott goes first. He makes the C then attempts to eat her face. He felt “exceedingly passionate.”
Now Big Joe. He’s been told he’s “not the worst kisser in the world,” which means he’s not Scott. He does the C and then kisses softly and nicely. But it’s too short. He gets the invitation to go back in. The music rises and the camera spins. That means it’s good.
Now Brady. He’s confident. It’s the one thing he does well. He’s gentle and slow. He feels like he did excellent.
(I can’t help but feel like VH1 had everyone sign long waivers for the inevitable spread of Herpes, which is what every MTV and VH1 reality show must do. Please Viacom, get every girl on the Real World the HPV vaccine.)
Here’s Little Joe W, who every girl thinks is gay. Joe did the C. And the kiss barely happens.
Now Pardeep, the conniving, unsympathetic member of the cast. Luckily for him, kissing is a quiet activity that doesn’t allow him to speak. He grabs Tara’s neck and goes straight in. He has to be torn off. The surprise: It was good, according to Tara. “It was like hey, hi.”
Finally, we get Kosmo who explains his unfair advantage. He’s Latino. “Right when we’re like zero, we know how to make out.”
He bobs, he weaves. “You know when you have such a good kiss that your souls touch for like a second?” That’s how it was for Kosmo.
Mystery is back to reveal the winner. There was a tie for second place between Pardeep and Big Joe D. And the winner? You Latinos already know. It’s Kosmo who immediately starts fun punching Big Joe.
Kosmo promises he cannot lose tonight, for he will have Mystery inside his brain. “It’s going to be money.”
Before the evening’s field test, Mystery is going to teach the boys some new tricks. The gather in the garden. Like Plato at the Academy. Today’s subject: Kino. It’s all about touch. Touching the hair, the shoulder, the hand, anywhere the bathing suit does not cover.
But Mystery teaches like Socrates too, with questions. “How soon into the set should you touch?” (A “set” is a PUA term for a group of people the infographic explains.) “Fifteen seconds in.” Who are you going to touch? Everybody. “You’re just a touchy guy.”
Now we get into Kino escalation. The key is holding hands. As my mom as says, “If you won’t hold your hand, she won’t blow your nob.”
From there we get into kiss tactics, how to determine if she’s ready for your sweet communicable diseases. How to grab and push away to the point when you can go in and smell her which is your “statement of intent.” If she doesn’t call the cops at that point it is a strong IOI, indicator of interest. Then say, “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you.” Then you are “money.”
Mystery describes that night’s field test. The goal is to pick a target and “kiss close” or kiss a girl, in laymen’s terms.
The boys are getting ready. The hair is being pushed up. Cologne is being sprayed. The guys are critiquing each other. Kosmo almost makes out with a mirror. And they all head to the club.
Mystery appears in his candle-filled seduction chamber to tell the audience that the goal is to kiss a girl WITH HER PERMISSION. Something he didn’t make as clear early. It’s all about interpreting the signs, Mystery explains. “As always, the student who shows the most proficiency will win the field test and be immune from elimination.”
But, sadly, they still will not be immune to most forms of VD. Still, Kosmo is pumped, “They should teach this in every high school!”
Kosmo gets his ear bud then Mystery sends them all into the club. “Guys, make me proud tonight,” the world’s greatest PUA says, “but more importantly, make yourself proud.”
Missy Elliot tells us all to get our freak on, and the boys roll out.
Brady tangles up with a dancing gal and Mystery, secluded in his Mystery van with J-Dub and Matador and observing all the action through hidden cameras says, “It’s on.” Brady uses the line of the night, “What do you got going for you besides your good looks?” The girl bites and runs her hand through his hair. “Slow down, lock in!” Mystery says, as if Brady is flying toward a vulnerable spot on the Death Star. “Pull the trigger!”
Then suddenly Brady does something so terrible it’s hard to describe. It should be illegal. He asks this twenty-something, attractive girl, “Have you ever heard of Myspace?” The record scratches, the trance is broken and Brady is out of luck. “He blew it,” Mystery understates. And J-Dub seconds. “She was sending IOIs!” J-Dub declares woefully.
Big Joe’s turn. He’s taken on a set that seems filled with guys. Matador is pissed, “She’s running the set!” Joe struggles.
“Where’s your material, bro?” Mystery asks. “We gave you shitloads!”
Then Joe D gets what no PUA wants, an IOD. Indicator of disinterest. It’s kryptonite to a PUA. “He’s locked out,” Mystery says. “This is a dead set,” J-Dub deadpans.
Pardeep approaches two blond girls and declares he’s a VIP and they should come to the VIP lounge with him. This pisses Mystery off. He gets angrier as Pardeep literally tries to drag one girl away. He even offers free alcohol.
“There’s nothing more disgusting than a forced pull,” says Matador.
Scott approaches a couple. They are obviously together, and Scott opens with the lamest line in the world: Do you floss before or after you brush? It makes my mouth foul up just thinking about it. “The thing is, no one knows the answer,” Scott says. Not surprisingly the couple soon excuses themselves. Mystery is disappointed. But Scott tries again. And fails. “He doesn’t have momentum,” Mystery explains.
Gay-seeming little Joe is working with big Joe. “Demonstrate you’re high value males,” Mystery says. Joe does it. He uses the good looks line. It’s going well. A girl is fooled. “She’s totally into him,” says J-Dub. “That’s more than three IOIs!” Everyone knows you kiss close after three IOIs!
Little Joe doesn’t pull the trigger.
Finally we get Kosmo who has Mystery in his ear. He opens with the “Did you see the fight?” line, which is actually taught in every high school in America. He gets to the “boob” popped out part, and the girl is hooked. He had her at “her boob popped out.”
Kosmo is getting IOIs all over the place. “Move the set,” Mystery says. They go to the corner. “Begin Kino escalation!” He grabs her hand, reads her fortune. She backs up. Kosmo gets up. She IOIs. “I like your company, you’re fun,” Mystery says. Kosmo repeats the line. They tell each other that they are cute. “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.” Kosmo repeats the line.
She says, “Did I tell you that if you kissed me I would hit you? No,” the girl says, and I question if she’s old enough to be in a bar.
Kosmo goes in. BAM. Mystery, Matador and J-Dub go “WHOA” and the hip-hop music in the background gets turned up.
“Alright, buddy. You’re on your own,” Mystery says. “Good job.”
The field test is over. Mystery is proud of each an every one of them, but there can only be one winner. The winner, of course, is Kosmo. More hip-hop. Now Kosmo has to protect two wingmen from elimination.
Pardeep feels vulnerable. Scott knows he failed, but he still believes he can become the master pick-up artist.
Elimination time. “The path to mastery still holds many challenges,” Mystery says, mysteriously, and then proceeds to introduce out the medallion of enlightenment to the guys who will stay.
Kosmo picks Big Joe D and Little Joe W as his wingmen. They’re all safe.
Three remain and only two medallions. Pardeep is clowned for being desperate and trying to drag a girl. Brady is reprimanded for not closing on the girl opened him. Scott is criticized for opening too many couples. But Brady is safe.
Now Pardeep and Scott are on the chopping block. More chastising. And the final medallion goes to Pardeep. Scott and his little blue lock of hair is going home. Game over.
Cue sentimental montage as Scott explains what he learned. Don’t worry, “There’s no need to worry about me,” Scott explains. “I want the women out there to know that The Scott is coming.” Got that, women?
The next episode is teased. The guys are all in Speedos, Pardeep is whining and they have to pick up a girl during the day. I make three IOIs and begin typing.
Pickup Artist, Episode 4.
They Should Teach This in Every High School!
It’s the fourth episode of VH1’s The Pickup Artist and Mystery, the “world’s greatest pick-up artist,” is back with his two wingmen: the impossibly dull J-Dub and the impossibly Latin Matador. Their task is to find the next great pick-up artist from a group of likable nerds who came into the competition with clothes purchased at Marshall’s in the 1980s and slim possibilities of procreating. I assuming VH1 wandered into some mother’s basement and found eight guys playing Dungeons and Dragons while wearing non-functioning virtual-reality helmets and said, “We’re done. Our show is cast.”
So far, two nerds have gone home, and it is, as Mystery says, “Time to step up your game.”
We’re in Austin, and the guys are scared. They don’t know who has been sent home yet. Whew, it’s Brady, the tall good-looking blond guy who should be able to get laid, not Fred, the forty-five year old virgin who needs Mystery’s help like Bush needs Cheney.
The gang is relieved for some reason. They want him as their wingman, apparently.
Brady was properly scolded for not applying Mystery’s teachings. Get behind him, Nerd. You must learn the ways of a true pick-up artist. PUA for short.
The boys celebrate with some near beer. But it’s still tense. They could all be the one sent back to their mom’s basement next.
Scott wakes up early to study Mystery’s extensive training manual. Smart man because Mystery is coming by with a surprise.
The world’s greatest PUA shows up with Rob Zombie’s hat and Dave Navarro’s pseudo-pirate garb. He there, he explains, to teach them to be artists. Artists of conquering poon.
Mystery asks the boys, “Who thinks you’re a good kisser?”
Everyone but Scott raises a hand. Scott explains that he has a lack of experience. The blue dye that he got on his bangs in the last show to “peacock”/attract the ladies looking like a prank no one wants to tell him about.
Mystery has a treat for them: Two pretty women are going teach them how to kiss. But, pay attention, boys. There’s going to be a test.
Tara, the blond, is Mystery’s wingwoman. She believes that Mystery’s method teaches people to make a connection that is beyond sex. That’s why she’s there. Leah the redhead just likes instructing nerds on TV, I guess.
While porno music plays the girls explain that kissing is really important. A first is huge, declares Tara. The first kiss is about comfort, not arousal, which leads to most of the guys adjusting their legs to hide their boners.
Leah teaches the guys to make a “C” with their fingers across their face by demonstrating on Tara. She also calls them “gentlemen” over and over which makes the scene even more perverse.
Big Joey wants to know how to initiate the kiss. Surprisingly he’s never done that. He doesn’t want to be slapped.
“Look for the signals,” Tara says, as I wonder how many of these guys came a little bit when the girls almost kissed, “but when you do it, don’t hesitate. It takes confidence.”
Damn, not confidence again, every guy in the room thinks.
And here comes the peaches. Each boy gets a peach to practice on. Cue montage of grown men kissing fruit. “Listen to what the peach is saying,” Leah says. “And no tongue for the first thirty seconds.” As the peaches become drenched in saliva, the girls are impressed.
Now it’s time for the test. The winner gets Mystery voice communicated to them from an ear bud as they wander the club looking for vulnerable women. (Little note: Mystery has black fingernail polish on. That’s peacocking, ladies.) The boys need that like Cheney needs meatloaf.
But here’s the better news. The boys are going to kiss Tara. The best kisser gets the ear bud. And the better news for Tara, she gets to wear a blindfold.
Scott goes first. He makes the C then attempts to eat her face. He felt “exceedingly passionate.”
Now Big Joe. He’s been told he’s “not the worst kisser in the world,” which means he’s not Scott. He does the C and then kisses softly and nicely. But it’s too short. He gets the invitation to go back in. The music rises and the camera spins. That means it’s good.
Now Brady. He’s confident. It’s the one thing he does well. He’s gentle and slow. He feels like he did excellent.
(I can’t help but feel like VH1 had everyone sign long waivers for the inevitable spread of Herpes, which is what every MTV and VH1 reality show must do. Please Viacom, get every girl on the Real World the HPV vaccine.)
Here’s Little Joe W, who every girl thinks is gay. Joe did the C. And the kiss barely happens.
Now Pardeep, the conniving, unsympathetic member of the cast. Luckily for him, kissing is a quiet activity that doesn’t allow him to speak. He grabs Tara’s neck and goes straight in. He has to be torn off. The surprise: It was good, according to Tara. “It was like hey, hi.”
Finally, we get Kosmo who explains his unfair advantage. He’s Latino. “Right when we’re like zero, we know how to make out.”
He bobs, he weaves. “You know when you have such a good kiss that your souls touch for like a second?” That’s how it was for Kosmo.
Mystery is back to reveal the winner. There was a tie for second place between Pardeep and Big Joe D. And the winner? You Latinos already know. It’s Kosmo who immediately starts fun punching Big Joe.
Kosmo promises he cannot lose tonight, for he will have Mystery inside his brain. “It’s going to be money.”
Before the evening’s field test, Mystery is going to teach the boys some new tricks. The gather in the garden. Like Plato at the Academy. Today’s subject: Kino. It’s all about touch. Touching the hair, the shoulder, the hand, anywhere the bathing suit does not cover.
But Mystery teaches like Socrates too, with questions. “How soon into the set should you touch?” (A “set” is a PUA term for a group of people the infographic explains.) “Fifteen seconds in.” Who are you going to touch? Everybody. “You’re just a touchy guy.”
Now we get into Kino escalation. The key is holding hands. As my mom as says, “If you won’t hold your hand, she won’t blow your nob.”
From there we get into kiss tactics, how to determine if she’s ready for your sweet communicable diseases. How to grab and push away to the point when you can go in and smell her which is your “statement of intent.” If she doesn’t call the cops at that point it is a strong IOI, indicator of interest. Then say, “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you.” Then you are “money.”
Mystery describes that night’s field test. The goal is to pick a target and “kiss close” or kiss a girl, in laymen’s terms.
The boys are getting ready. The hair is being pushed up. Cologne is being sprayed. The guys are critiquing each other. Kosmo almost makes out with a mirror. And they all head to the club.
Mystery appears in his candle-filled seduction chamber to tell the audience that the goal is to kiss a girl WITH HER PERMISSION. Something he didn’t make as clear early. It’s all about interpreting the signs, Mystery explains. “As always, the student who shows the most proficiency will win the field test and be immune from elimination.”
But, sadly, they still will not be immune to most forms of VD. Still, Kosmo is pumped, “They should teach this in every high school!”
Kosmo gets his ear bud then Mystery sends them all into the club. “Guys, make me proud tonight,” the world’s greatest PUA says, “but more importantly, make yourself proud.”
Missy Elliot tells us all to get our freak on, and the boys roll out.
Brady tangles up with a dancing gal and Mystery, secluded in his Mystery van with J-Dub and Matador and observing all the action through hidden cameras says, “It’s on.” Brady uses the line of the night, “What do you got going for you besides your good looks?” The girl bites and runs her hand through his hair. “Slow down, lock in!” Mystery says, as if Brady is flying toward a vulnerable spot on the Death Star. “Pull the trigger!”
Then suddenly Brady does something so terrible it’s hard to describe. It should be illegal. He asks this twenty-something, attractive girl, “Have you ever heard of Myspace?” The record scratches, the trance is broken and Brady is out of luck. “He blew it,” Mystery understates. And J-Dub seconds. “She was sending IOIs!” J-Dub declares woefully.
Big Joe’s turn. He’s taken on a set that seems filled with guys. Matador is pissed, “She’s running the set!” Joe struggles.
“Where’s your material, bro?” Mystery asks. “We gave you shitloads!”
Then Joe D gets what no PUA wants, an IOD. Indicator of disinterest. It’s kryptonite to a PUA. “He’s locked out,” Mystery says. “This is a dead set,” J-Dub deadpans.
Pardeep approaches two blond girls and declares he’s a VIP and they should come to the VIP lounge with him. This pisses Mystery off. He gets angrier as Pardeep literally tries to drag one girl away. He even offers free alcohol.
“There’s nothing more disgusting than a forced pull,” says Matador.
Scott approaches a couple. They are obviously together, and Scott opens with the lamest line in the world: Do you floss before or after you brush? It makes my mouth foul up just thinking about it. “The thing is, no one knows the answer,” Scott says. Not surprisingly the couple soon excuses themselves. Mystery is disappointed. But Scott tries again. And fails. “He doesn’t have momentum,” Mystery explains.
Gay-seeming little Joe is working with big Joe. “Demonstrate you’re high value males,” Mystery says. Joe does it. He uses the good looks line. It’s going well. A girl is fooled. “She’s totally into him,” says J-Dub. “That’s more than three IOIs!” Everyone knows you kiss close after three IOIs!
Little Joe doesn’t pull the trigger.
Finally we get Kosmo who has Mystery in his ear. He opens with the “Did you see the fight?” line, which is actually taught in every high school in America. He gets to the “boob” popped out part, and the girl is hooked. He had her at “her boob popped out.”
Kosmo is getting IOIs all over the place. “Move the set,” Mystery says. They go to the corner. “Begin Kino escalation!” He grabs her hand, reads her fortune. She backs up. Kosmo gets up. She IOIs. “I like your company, you’re fun,” Mystery says. Kosmo repeats the line. They tell each other that they are cute. “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.” Kosmo repeats the line.
She says, “Did I tell you that if you kissed me I would hit you? No,” the girl says, and I question if she’s old enough to be in a bar.
Kosmo goes in. BAM. Mystery, Matador and J-Dub go “WHOA” and the hip-hop music in the background gets turned up.
“Alright, buddy. You’re on your own,” Mystery says. “Good job.”
The field test is over. Mystery is proud of each an every one of them, but there can only be one winner. The winner, of course, is Kosmo. More hip-hop. Now Kosmo has to protect two wingmen from elimination.
Pardeep feels vulnerable. Scott knows he failed, but he still believes he can become the master pick-up artist.
Elimination time. “The path to mastery still holds many challenges,” Mystery says, mysteriously, and then proceeds to introduce out the medallion of enlightenment to the guys who will stay.
Kosmo picks Big Joe D and Little Joe W as his wingmen. They’re all safe.
Three remain and only two medallions. Pardeep is clowned for being desperate and trying to drag a girl. Brady is reprimanded for not closing on the girl opened him. Scott is criticized for opening too many couples. But Brady is safe.
Now Pardeep and Scott are on the chopping block. More chastising. And the final medallion goes to Pardeep. Scott and his little blue lock of hair is going home. Game over.
Cue sentimental montage as Scott explains what he learned. Don’t worry, “There’s no need to worry about me,” Scott explains. “I want the women out there to know that The Scott is coming.” Got that, women?
The next episode is teased. The guys are all in Speedos, Pardeep is whining and they have to pick up a girl during the day. I make three IOIs and begin typing.