flipit
08-31-2007, 11:51 PM
***Hey guys! Time for another round of Auditiongasm! We have changed the way we are voting. There will be no more polling. We need to hear an actual opinion from ya, so please leave yours in the comment section. For those of you who don't want to take the time to register in the forums, it is painless, I promise! If my lazy ass can do it, you can! And now, please welcome Esquire!
Are you like me? Do you find yourself pondering mankind’s Great philosophical questions; questions like: What is the role of God in a brave new world where man is unbound by ethical restraints? Or What exactly would you get if you cast a show with a gaggle of chicks who weren’t classy or attractive enough to make it on the last edition of The Bachelor and weren’t up to the rigorous intellectual standards of Joe Millionaire, yet still weren’t skanky enough to chase after some washed-up 80’s rocker on VH1?
Well, thanks to the Women’s Entertainment network and their new “reality” venture American Princess, we now have the answer to one of those questions. I leave it to you, dear reader, to guess which one it is.
Our first lesson begins immediately, as we learn that “Every girl wants to be a princess, but not every story is a fairytale.” Take that any girl who ever aspired to be something more than a vapid, preening hand-waiver when she grows up! You don’t see storybooks about Marie Curie, do you?? No, you do not!
It’s immediately clear that a major, and predictable, theme of this show is going to be “look at the classless Americans and how poorly they compare to we polished and refined Brits.” Our contestants are introduced as “ordinary American girls” and we immediately cut to one of the lovely ladies turning a column outside of her apartment building into a stripper pole. That’s right, your average American girl is a wannabe stripper who, no doubt, spends her days as a Jerry Springer guest and her nights polishing up her technique at the local girlie show’s amateur hour.
Thank goodness the British are here to teach us a thing or two!
Soon, it’s time for the important exposition (we are all here for the plot and not just the laughs, right??) and we learn that “the finest royal experts” are here to refine our lovelies and take nine of them to England, were they will get to meet “real” royals including the latest reality show “real prince.” You guessed it! It’s another greasy Euro so far down the line of succession that he’s more likely to become the Burger King than he is a real King!
These shows always make me wonder, does anyone Really buy that these guys are princes of anything? And if they are, do they honestly not have Anything better to do with their time than appear on these cheese ball American TV shows? Doesn’t anyone have an iron mask or a brother to imprison, so they can move up in line anymore? What ever happened to royal ambition??
But those are philosophical questions for another day, because it’s time to meet our royal experts. It turns out that the Grand Pubah of this train wreck is Princess Diana’s former butler Paul Burrell. Apparently, the blood money that you get from betraying the employer who trusted you, before her body is even cold, doesn’t go as far as you’d think, because Paul is out to sell himself as the British Tyra Banks, shepherding our little princessi down the road to whatever the British equivalent is of a photo shoot with world-renowned photographer Gilles Ben-Simone.
Pubah Paul is joined in his task by legendary British actress and denture cream pitch woman Angela Lansbury. Um…oh wait…evidently that’s Not Angela Lansbury, it’s “etiquette expert” Jean Broke-Smith. Sorry, my mistake.
The experts start by watching as our lovely princessi arrive via taxi at the New York Roosevelt hotel where their magical journey will begin. We lean that Paul is looking for a girl with “spirit,” a girl who has “it.” Wow, “it,” very original. Shouldn’t she be Fierce too, Paul? What would Gilles think?
Aaaannnndddd Nooowwwww… it’s time to meet the ladies:
First up to get the video montage treatment is Cassie from Texas. She gets out of the taxi and looks around at NY like the kids with the Golden Tickets when they first see Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory and the Umpa Lumpas! Apparently, her stereotype from central casting is the country bumpkin who’s never been to the big city. We see her on home video doing standard bumpkin activities: driving the tractor, climbing trees, feeding cows, chewin’ tabaccy.
Mrs. Lansbury thinks that Cassie “has never seen a building.” And we learn that Cassie hates shoes (I bet Pa never bought her any and spent all of his money on that darn John Boy!) Cassie also tells us that she knows that she is a dork. Um..,Cassie…I hate to tell you this, but so do We, because we have eyes! Am I right, people?
Next up is Danielle, also from Texas and she is…GASP… a Nude model! Just as I drift off, wondering how the standards for nude modeling in Texas got so low and thinking that Amber from BB might yet have a future in modeling after all, at least in Texas…we learn that Danielle is not the fun, sexy kind of nude model, but more the pudgy, realistically attainable kind who models for frat boys and pervs…er…I mean…aspiring artists in figure drawing classes. By the way, Danielle also hugs trees. And she actually Doesn’t mean that metaphorically! Wow.
Our third montage brings us Yvonka, from Florida. She has a large and elaborate tramp stamp, which brings groans from the Pubah, and her three favorite things are cheeseburgers, dildos and women. She just screams aristocrat already, doesn’t she? Her video features her stuffing her face with a McChesseburger and assuring us that even though “I am a bum…I clean up nice.” I bet that Beast doesn’t look so bad now, does he Mrs. Lansbury!
We now take a break from fun with uTube video, to learn about the prize package that our princessi are vying for. There’s fifty grand, a necklace, a Completely phony title they made up in a focus group meeting, and GASP a Diamond Tiara, worth $100,000, which they bring out on a purple pillow! Of course, the tiara Immediately reduces our contestants to a bunch of ten year old girls playing Barbie dress up in their mother’s heels and a feather boa, so they completely forget everything else that has just been said, including the part where the Barker’s Beauty who is giving the spiel says “… a tiara you get to WEAR at a phony ball we might actually throw for you if this show makes it to the end without getting cancelled.” Well, I might have added that last bit.
That’s right girls, you don’t get to own it, you get to wear it! Maybe! Girls? Hello….? It may take a while to get them back from the tiara haze, so….
Back to the Showcase Showdown! Next up is 28 y/o Kirsten, from Florida, who has apparently been practicing very hard at being a princess by dressing in A Lot of pink and pushing her dogs around in a stroller! Remember, this woman is 28 years old! Seriously people, I wish I were making this up! She talks in a really fakey sounding syrupy voice and tells us that “you either love me or you hate me.” I bet you can’t guess which one I picked! But just in case you guessed wrongly, Kirsten ups the ante. She also designs Dog Tutus, which, not surprisingly, her dogs are wearing, while in the stroller! Are you with me now?
I need a shower after just typing that…I feel dirty.
Ahh…refreshed and Zestfully clean, I’m back and ready for our next Showcase. It’s our resident most matronly princess, Tara. She looks like the nineteen y/o version of everyone’s 4th grade teacher and I bet that she has dozens of pairs of polyester pants already hanging in her closet, just waiting for her to grow old in them. Even Mrs. Murder, She Wrote calls Tara’s look old-fashioned and when an octogenarian calls you old-fashioned, girl you’ve got issues! Tara says that her strongest trait is her intelligence and boy did she pick the right show to exhibit that trait on! She’s got the personality to match her wardrobe, but surprisingly she’s a theatre major in college, that is if she can tear herself away from her sweet gig in the drive-through window at Wendy’s. It’s never too early to put those polyester pants to good use, huh grandma?
Hey, I wonder if she’s ever sold Yvonka a cheeseburger…or a dildo.
No more videos for now kids, princess training starts at the crack of 9 am tomorrow!
The next morning, the girls meet Pubah Paul for the first time and the producers help us out by playing stern sounding music so that we All find the effeminate man in the pink tie as intimidating as the princessi do. I, for one, needed the help. Thanks producers!
Pubah tells the princessi that he is their Boss! And they all cower, properly intimidated. Could they hear the music too?
To give us all a chance to compose ourselves after the grandeur of Paul, we cut to another Showcase and we meet Crystal, from Cali. Crystal grew up a foster child and she wants to teach all of the foster kids of the world to sing in perfect harmony. She’d like to buy the world a Coke. (That might be less funny if you aren’t a child of the 80’s, sorry). Someone wants a sympathy vote!
Crystal actually seems sweet and nice and doesn’t say anything particularly stupid, offensive or annoying, which leaves me with one question: was the casting director off that day?? How the heck did she make the show?
Suddenly, up is down, down is up. I don’t know who I am anymore. Then we meet Liz and she is an aspiring WNBA basketball player who gives us a taste of her skills in freestyle rap! Ahh…my world makes sense again. Liz loves sports and she will beat you at any of them. Oh and don’t worry Liz, if things don’t work out on this show, just go see if Logo is casting for any reality shows. I hear they Love the WNBA over there.
Apparently it’s Showcase ‘poluzza, everything must go! We transition directly into meeting Jasmine. She has a hideous red dye job on only about one-third of her hair and numerous pieces of metal stuck in her face. I’m thinking Fortune 500 CFO, but nope, burned again, she’s a video game tester! Is anyone else as shocked as I am?
Jasmine tells us that her job is awesome! She shows us her “favoritist” pair or pants and let’s us know that she is a tomboy (Again, stunned!). She wants to feel feminine, but it feels so foreign to her. We cut to Mrs. Potts saying that there isn’t Anyone she can’t turn into a princess. I’m betting they taped that comment before she actually met Jasmine!
After my DVR whizzes through all of the commercials for feminine hygiene products (Thanks for the show assignment on WE, Flipit!), we return to Lansbury’s lessons on how to sit with your legs crossed like proper ladies, instead of sitting like Jasmine and her stoner-boy friends round the video game table.
From there, we meet Letoshua, from Orlando, who is a giant Amazonian woman of about 7ft. tall. She provokes a “Good Heavens” exclamation from Mrs. L. I Know that she needed the stern music to feel intimidated by Pubah Paul!
From her video, we learn that Letoshua is a sergeant in the army, who loves to wear booty shorts. Because Nothing inspires discipline in the ranks like a good booty short!
While gazing into the mirror, she tells us “If I was gay, I would definitely try to get with myself.” The quandaries of physics aside, she’d better avoid Yvonka. Remember, it’s don’t ask, don’t tell, sergeant.
The girls practice their runway walks and thankfully Miss J is nowhere in sight! Then we meet Clarissa who is from the Bronx and sounds a bit like a mini Rosie Perez. She is a beauty pageant veteran and she already has her signature pageant walk. She apparently never won squat!
Our final contestant is Nakia from Texas and she describes herself as a “promotional model.” Suddenly a coughing fit overtakes me (cough..cough…Stripper…cough). I’m all better now.
Her name is Nakia?! Man, I guess her mom was Really happy with her cell phone contract! I’m sure you will all be surprised to learn that Mrs. L. and the Pubah think that Nakia has lots of “attitude.” I never saw it coming.
With the Showcase Showdown over, we have the obligatory fish-out-of water shopping montage. Stop me if you’ve seen this one before. Nakia is worried that her dress looks too “hoochie,” tomboy Jasmine is clueless and afraid she will look stupid, and bumpkin Cassie needs help because nothing in the store looks like the overalls that Pa usually buys for her, down at the General Store. Aren’t stereotypes fun, kids?
More commercials. Riddle me this ladies: many of you want to get married, no? And yet “your” networks seem to show Nothing but these Bridzilla shows that make you all look like crazed psychos. Do we really think that helps your cause, seriously?
And we’re back…Apparently our stereotype counter shows that we are still short a few British clichés, so, it’s time for the girls to go Rowing! After the requisite shock at the notion that a reality show would demand actual activities of its participants, the girls are divided into four rowing teams and Mrs. L. impresses upon us how difficult a test this will be! Then we meet Felicia. Wait a minute… Holy Crap there’s another one! How many chicks are in this hot mess of a show anyway? Don’t they know how bad I am with names?? Someone has Got to go, and I mean soon!
Oh good! Felicia hates boats! I smell an exit. It turns out that mystery guest Felicia is a fitness trainer and boxing ring-girl from. PA. We see her in the gym lifting weights and kickboxing and they basically do all that they can to show us how Great Felicia will be at this very physical task, which tells me one thing: homegirl is going to suck at rowing!
Sure enough, Felicia does not disappoint me. She rows, but complains loudly throughout and generally pisses off everyone. Pubah expresses his dismay that the boxer girl is terrible at rowing. And before you can say crumpet, Felicia takes our very first Walk of Shame!
Meanwhile, Nakia, who was the Only girl bound up in lifejackets like Bill Murry in What About Bob?, and who Literally sat there like a stone(!) and did not move her oar One Inch for the entire time(!), despite the Pubah yelling, several times, for her specifically to row, sailed through the elimination like an Oxford Champion. Ah…the integrity of reality show elimination decisions! Tyra would be proud Pubah. Tyra would be proud!
Just in case anyone was wondering, the team that featured Cutie Crystal and Cheeseburger-Dildo loving Yvonka cruised to victory and the two received a Donald Trumpesque reward of a private sail around Manhattan Island.
After a mostly nonsensical closing lecture about their below par performance, the remaining princessi were assigned the Cinderella inspired task of scrubbing the boats and the dock.
Tonight’s premiere episode concludes with a lesson in “respecting other cultures,” in which the princessi must learn some French, Japanese and British customs and go through a receiving line. They learn to use chopsticks (or more accurately to fumble around while attempting to use chopsticks) and to give fake French air kisses. In a shocking departure from the norm, bumpkin Cassie is overwhelmed.
The girls fumble and bumble their way through the receiving line and subsequent meal, and generally display a complete ignorance of all they have “learned.”
Nakia’s dress turns out to be a quite hoochie, leopard print number, which Pubah pretends to like in a failed attempt to assert masculinity. Sorry Paul, it just doesn’t work for you, back to the pink tie.
After the obligatory debate in front of the pictures of the princessi, nude model Danielle and Sporty Spice Liz are sent packing, in an anticlimactic elimination ceremony, and the other nine girls get their tickets to London. Neither girl seems particularly disappointed to leave the show and we’re not particularly disappointed to see them go. It’s the circle of life.
Until next time, kids…
PS: Did anyone else notice that all of the princessi are from either Florida, Texas, California, or Pennsylvania? I guess the title Florida, Texas, California, or Pennsylvanian Princess wasn’t catchy enough!
Are you like me? Do you find yourself pondering mankind’s Great philosophical questions; questions like: What is the role of God in a brave new world where man is unbound by ethical restraints? Or What exactly would you get if you cast a show with a gaggle of chicks who weren’t classy or attractive enough to make it on the last edition of The Bachelor and weren’t up to the rigorous intellectual standards of Joe Millionaire, yet still weren’t skanky enough to chase after some washed-up 80’s rocker on VH1?
Well, thanks to the Women’s Entertainment network and their new “reality” venture American Princess, we now have the answer to one of those questions. I leave it to you, dear reader, to guess which one it is.
Our first lesson begins immediately, as we learn that “Every girl wants to be a princess, but not every story is a fairytale.” Take that any girl who ever aspired to be something more than a vapid, preening hand-waiver when she grows up! You don’t see storybooks about Marie Curie, do you?? No, you do not!
It’s immediately clear that a major, and predictable, theme of this show is going to be “look at the classless Americans and how poorly they compare to we polished and refined Brits.” Our contestants are introduced as “ordinary American girls” and we immediately cut to one of the lovely ladies turning a column outside of her apartment building into a stripper pole. That’s right, your average American girl is a wannabe stripper who, no doubt, spends her days as a Jerry Springer guest and her nights polishing up her technique at the local girlie show’s amateur hour.
Thank goodness the British are here to teach us a thing or two!
Soon, it’s time for the important exposition (we are all here for the plot and not just the laughs, right??) and we learn that “the finest royal experts” are here to refine our lovelies and take nine of them to England, were they will get to meet “real” royals including the latest reality show “real prince.” You guessed it! It’s another greasy Euro so far down the line of succession that he’s more likely to become the Burger King than he is a real King!
These shows always make me wonder, does anyone Really buy that these guys are princes of anything? And if they are, do they honestly not have Anything better to do with their time than appear on these cheese ball American TV shows? Doesn’t anyone have an iron mask or a brother to imprison, so they can move up in line anymore? What ever happened to royal ambition??
But those are philosophical questions for another day, because it’s time to meet our royal experts. It turns out that the Grand Pubah of this train wreck is Princess Diana’s former butler Paul Burrell. Apparently, the blood money that you get from betraying the employer who trusted you, before her body is even cold, doesn’t go as far as you’d think, because Paul is out to sell himself as the British Tyra Banks, shepherding our little princessi down the road to whatever the British equivalent is of a photo shoot with world-renowned photographer Gilles Ben-Simone.
Pubah Paul is joined in his task by legendary British actress and denture cream pitch woman Angela Lansbury. Um…oh wait…evidently that’s Not Angela Lansbury, it’s “etiquette expert” Jean Broke-Smith. Sorry, my mistake.
The experts start by watching as our lovely princessi arrive via taxi at the New York Roosevelt hotel where their magical journey will begin. We lean that Paul is looking for a girl with “spirit,” a girl who has “it.” Wow, “it,” very original. Shouldn’t she be Fierce too, Paul? What would Gilles think?
Aaaannnndddd Nooowwwww… it’s time to meet the ladies:
First up to get the video montage treatment is Cassie from Texas. She gets out of the taxi and looks around at NY like the kids with the Golden Tickets when they first see Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory and the Umpa Lumpas! Apparently, her stereotype from central casting is the country bumpkin who’s never been to the big city. We see her on home video doing standard bumpkin activities: driving the tractor, climbing trees, feeding cows, chewin’ tabaccy.
Mrs. Lansbury thinks that Cassie “has never seen a building.” And we learn that Cassie hates shoes (I bet Pa never bought her any and spent all of his money on that darn John Boy!) Cassie also tells us that she knows that she is a dork. Um..,Cassie…I hate to tell you this, but so do We, because we have eyes! Am I right, people?
Next up is Danielle, also from Texas and she is…GASP… a Nude model! Just as I drift off, wondering how the standards for nude modeling in Texas got so low and thinking that Amber from BB might yet have a future in modeling after all, at least in Texas…we learn that Danielle is not the fun, sexy kind of nude model, but more the pudgy, realistically attainable kind who models for frat boys and pervs…er…I mean…aspiring artists in figure drawing classes. By the way, Danielle also hugs trees. And she actually Doesn’t mean that metaphorically! Wow.
Our third montage brings us Yvonka, from Florida. She has a large and elaborate tramp stamp, which brings groans from the Pubah, and her three favorite things are cheeseburgers, dildos and women. She just screams aristocrat already, doesn’t she? Her video features her stuffing her face with a McChesseburger and assuring us that even though “I am a bum…I clean up nice.” I bet that Beast doesn’t look so bad now, does he Mrs. Lansbury!
We now take a break from fun with uTube video, to learn about the prize package that our princessi are vying for. There’s fifty grand, a necklace, a Completely phony title they made up in a focus group meeting, and GASP a Diamond Tiara, worth $100,000, which they bring out on a purple pillow! Of course, the tiara Immediately reduces our contestants to a bunch of ten year old girls playing Barbie dress up in their mother’s heels and a feather boa, so they completely forget everything else that has just been said, including the part where the Barker’s Beauty who is giving the spiel says “… a tiara you get to WEAR at a phony ball we might actually throw for you if this show makes it to the end without getting cancelled.” Well, I might have added that last bit.
That’s right girls, you don’t get to own it, you get to wear it! Maybe! Girls? Hello….? It may take a while to get them back from the tiara haze, so….
Back to the Showcase Showdown! Next up is 28 y/o Kirsten, from Florida, who has apparently been practicing very hard at being a princess by dressing in A Lot of pink and pushing her dogs around in a stroller! Remember, this woman is 28 years old! Seriously people, I wish I were making this up! She talks in a really fakey sounding syrupy voice and tells us that “you either love me or you hate me.” I bet you can’t guess which one I picked! But just in case you guessed wrongly, Kirsten ups the ante. She also designs Dog Tutus, which, not surprisingly, her dogs are wearing, while in the stroller! Are you with me now?
I need a shower after just typing that…I feel dirty.
Ahh…refreshed and Zestfully clean, I’m back and ready for our next Showcase. It’s our resident most matronly princess, Tara. She looks like the nineteen y/o version of everyone’s 4th grade teacher and I bet that she has dozens of pairs of polyester pants already hanging in her closet, just waiting for her to grow old in them. Even Mrs. Murder, She Wrote calls Tara’s look old-fashioned and when an octogenarian calls you old-fashioned, girl you’ve got issues! Tara says that her strongest trait is her intelligence and boy did she pick the right show to exhibit that trait on! She’s got the personality to match her wardrobe, but surprisingly she’s a theatre major in college, that is if she can tear herself away from her sweet gig in the drive-through window at Wendy’s. It’s never too early to put those polyester pants to good use, huh grandma?
Hey, I wonder if she’s ever sold Yvonka a cheeseburger…or a dildo.
No more videos for now kids, princess training starts at the crack of 9 am tomorrow!
The next morning, the girls meet Pubah Paul for the first time and the producers help us out by playing stern sounding music so that we All find the effeminate man in the pink tie as intimidating as the princessi do. I, for one, needed the help. Thanks producers!
Pubah tells the princessi that he is their Boss! And they all cower, properly intimidated. Could they hear the music too?
To give us all a chance to compose ourselves after the grandeur of Paul, we cut to another Showcase and we meet Crystal, from Cali. Crystal grew up a foster child and she wants to teach all of the foster kids of the world to sing in perfect harmony. She’d like to buy the world a Coke. (That might be less funny if you aren’t a child of the 80’s, sorry). Someone wants a sympathy vote!
Crystal actually seems sweet and nice and doesn’t say anything particularly stupid, offensive or annoying, which leaves me with one question: was the casting director off that day?? How the heck did she make the show?
Suddenly, up is down, down is up. I don’t know who I am anymore. Then we meet Liz and she is an aspiring WNBA basketball player who gives us a taste of her skills in freestyle rap! Ahh…my world makes sense again. Liz loves sports and she will beat you at any of them. Oh and don’t worry Liz, if things don’t work out on this show, just go see if Logo is casting for any reality shows. I hear they Love the WNBA over there.
Apparently it’s Showcase ‘poluzza, everything must go! We transition directly into meeting Jasmine. She has a hideous red dye job on only about one-third of her hair and numerous pieces of metal stuck in her face. I’m thinking Fortune 500 CFO, but nope, burned again, she’s a video game tester! Is anyone else as shocked as I am?
Jasmine tells us that her job is awesome! She shows us her “favoritist” pair or pants and let’s us know that she is a tomboy (Again, stunned!). She wants to feel feminine, but it feels so foreign to her. We cut to Mrs. Potts saying that there isn’t Anyone she can’t turn into a princess. I’m betting they taped that comment before she actually met Jasmine!
After my DVR whizzes through all of the commercials for feminine hygiene products (Thanks for the show assignment on WE, Flipit!), we return to Lansbury’s lessons on how to sit with your legs crossed like proper ladies, instead of sitting like Jasmine and her stoner-boy friends round the video game table.
From there, we meet Letoshua, from Orlando, who is a giant Amazonian woman of about 7ft. tall. She provokes a “Good Heavens” exclamation from Mrs. L. I Know that she needed the stern music to feel intimidated by Pubah Paul!
From her video, we learn that Letoshua is a sergeant in the army, who loves to wear booty shorts. Because Nothing inspires discipline in the ranks like a good booty short!
While gazing into the mirror, she tells us “If I was gay, I would definitely try to get with myself.” The quandaries of physics aside, she’d better avoid Yvonka. Remember, it’s don’t ask, don’t tell, sergeant.
The girls practice their runway walks and thankfully Miss J is nowhere in sight! Then we meet Clarissa who is from the Bronx and sounds a bit like a mini Rosie Perez. She is a beauty pageant veteran and she already has her signature pageant walk. She apparently never won squat!
Our final contestant is Nakia from Texas and she describes herself as a “promotional model.” Suddenly a coughing fit overtakes me (cough..cough…Stripper…cough). I’m all better now.
Her name is Nakia?! Man, I guess her mom was Really happy with her cell phone contract! I’m sure you will all be surprised to learn that Mrs. L. and the Pubah think that Nakia has lots of “attitude.” I never saw it coming.
With the Showcase Showdown over, we have the obligatory fish-out-of water shopping montage. Stop me if you’ve seen this one before. Nakia is worried that her dress looks too “hoochie,” tomboy Jasmine is clueless and afraid she will look stupid, and bumpkin Cassie needs help because nothing in the store looks like the overalls that Pa usually buys for her, down at the General Store. Aren’t stereotypes fun, kids?
More commercials. Riddle me this ladies: many of you want to get married, no? And yet “your” networks seem to show Nothing but these Bridzilla shows that make you all look like crazed psychos. Do we really think that helps your cause, seriously?
And we’re back…Apparently our stereotype counter shows that we are still short a few British clichés, so, it’s time for the girls to go Rowing! After the requisite shock at the notion that a reality show would demand actual activities of its participants, the girls are divided into four rowing teams and Mrs. L. impresses upon us how difficult a test this will be! Then we meet Felicia. Wait a minute… Holy Crap there’s another one! How many chicks are in this hot mess of a show anyway? Don’t they know how bad I am with names?? Someone has Got to go, and I mean soon!
Oh good! Felicia hates boats! I smell an exit. It turns out that mystery guest Felicia is a fitness trainer and boxing ring-girl from. PA. We see her in the gym lifting weights and kickboxing and they basically do all that they can to show us how Great Felicia will be at this very physical task, which tells me one thing: homegirl is going to suck at rowing!
Sure enough, Felicia does not disappoint me. She rows, but complains loudly throughout and generally pisses off everyone. Pubah expresses his dismay that the boxer girl is terrible at rowing. And before you can say crumpet, Felicia takes our very first Walk of Shame!
Meanwhile, Nakia, who was the Only girl bound up in lifejackets like Bill Murry in What About Bob?, and who Literally sat there like a stone(!) and did not move her oar One Inch for the entire time(!), despite the Pubah yelling, several times, for her specifically to row, sailed through the elimination like an Oxford Champion. Ah…the integrity of reality show elimination decisions! Tyra would be proud Pubah. Tyra would be proud!
Just in case anyone was wondering, the team that featured Cutie Crystal and Cheeseburger-Dildo loving Yvonka cruised to victory and the two received a Donald Trumpesque reward of a private sail around Manhattan Island.
After a mostly nonsensical closing lecture about their below par performance, the remaining princessi were assigned the Cinderella inspired task of scrubbing the boats and the dock.
Tonight’s premiere episode concludes with a lesson in “respecting other cultures,” in which the princessi must learn some French, Japanese and British customs and go through a receiving line. They learn to use chopsticks (or more accurately to fumble around while attempting to use chopsticks) and to give fake French air kisses. In a shocking departure from the norm, bumpkin Cassie is overwhelmed.
The girls fumble and bumble their way through the receiving line and subsequent meal, and generally display a complete ignorance of all they have “learned.”
Nakia’s dress turns out to be a quite hoochie, leopard print number, which Pubah pretends to like in a failed attempt to assert masculinity. Sorry Paul, it just doesn’t work for you, back to the pink tie.
After the obligatory debate in front of the pictures of the princessi, nude model Danielle and Sporty Spice Liz are sent packing, in an anticlimactic elimination ceremony, and the other nine girls get their tickets to London. Neither girl seems particularly disappointed to leave the show and we’re not particularly disappointed to see them go. It’s the circle of life.
Until next time, kids…
PS: Did anyone else notice that all of the princessi are from either Florida, Texas, California, or Pennsylvania? I guess the title Florida, Texas, California, or Pennsylvanian Princess wasn’t catchy enough!