flipit
12-17-2007, 07:09 PM
Real Housewives, Season 3, Episode 307
Here we are in the magical land of botox, rampant addiction and weirdly enhanced breasts. Seriously, these women have way too much money to be having the sort of problems that come up on this show.
This week we start with Tamra pretending to be a real estate agent. Tamra bills herself as the hottest housewife in Orange County and that’s enough for me. You know that anybody who makes a statement like that is either a drag queen or suffering from a personality disorder. In Tamra’s case, sadly, it’s the latter.
Anyway, the house she’s showing comes complete with furniture and a 2006 Ferrari that’s parked in the garage. I’m guessing the former owner’s either went belly up in the recent mortgage crisis or died, suddenly. I mean why else do you sell house, furniture and car, as is. Tamra escorts her prospective buyer over the house spinning out her fantasy of life within. In a wistful plaintive voice, she suggests that he keep champagne in the bedroom refrigerator, notes that the walk-in closet holds Channel and Dolce Gabbana, and almost has an orgasm over the Ferrari. I’m guessing that it wouldn’t take that much more to convince Tamra to throw herself in as part of the deal.
Tamra’s words of wisdom for the week: You definitely get what you give and since, I’ve been giving so much to it, I’m getting a lot out of it.
Time to visit Jeana. Jeana is my favorite hausfrau. She seems moderately intelligent and hasn’t given in to the temptation to go blond, however, her son Shane is one of my least favorite characters on any reality show, ever. Over the previous seasons, he has shown himself to be racist, sexist, sadistic, vain and dumb. This season Shane has been away playing baseball for the Vancouver Canadians, a minor league team for the Oakland A’s. Happily, we haven’t seen much of the ManHo. Unhappily, that’s about to change. This week Jeana and Colton are going to Canada to see Shane play.
In Vancouver, Jeana and Colton are at a restaurant with Shane and what I take to be his sponsor family. The editors didn’t explain this on the show, but Jeana’s blog says that minor league players stay with host families. It sounds sort of like adult exchange students. Jeana tells us that she is proud of Shane for making his way in the baseball world and adapting to a foreign country, cuz you know, it’s really hard to learn to speak Canadian. At dinner, Jeanna wants to know if Shane is inspirational to the other players. She tells us that the other players are very impressed with his maturity. Sounds great. This new older Shane must be an awesome dude. Sadly, this is followed by the news that Shane has a little habit of breaking chairs when he’s had bad days. He explains that this is because he can’t punch anybody. Yup, that sounds more like the Shane who will someday land in prison for domestic assault. Jeana tells us that Colton really looks up to Shane; she just hopes that Colton emulates him in a positive way. Really? Positive? I give her credit for seeing possibilities that I’m not.
And now, drum roll please, finally the new housewife, Quinn. Quinn tells us that she and Jeana travel in the same social circles, not that she answered a casting call advertisement in the local newspaper. But no matter, we are introduced to Quinn on a Sunday, which she describes as her day of sailing with the girls to talk about life and men. And she gives us her version of the scoop. She’s been married twice. She has two kids: a grown up daughter and a son in high school. She broke up with her second husband because she wasn’t feeling the love and passion. Quinn makes it clear that she’s looking for ‘her guy’ and tells us that she looks for someone that has a belief in the same God that she does, because she’s “pretty much always been a Christian”. By the end of this episode you’ve got to wonder if ‘pretty much always’ means that she gets to take nights off.
As far as the dating scene in Orange County, Quinn says that the competition is crazy and follows up with this whacked out quote: “I date younger men. I haven’t been called a cougar because they don’t think I’m a cougar, they think I’m closer to their age.” According to what I’ve read, Quinn is fifty-two years old. And if I had to guess, I’d guess that Quinn is fifty-two years old. So you know what honey? Those young men, they know how old you are and they’re probably not thinking that you’re an older hot woman so much as you’re an older, rich woman. So yeah, they think you’re a cougar. Get over it. It’s okay. You’re a Christian cougar. Or is that only on the nights off?
Awkward camera shot of Quinn sitting on ropes at the bow of the boat. Her friends are kneeling uncomfortably in front of her so the camera can get a clear shot.
Switching to the Quinn on a date. She tells us that Billy is the new guy in her life and that she met him at a wine bar. Billy seems like a nice guy in his forties. He’s a little old for a cougar and not the most attractive guy. And, well frankly, he seems a little flamboyant. Not that I’m saying anything, just getting a vibe. Quinn happily tells him that they kiss more than they talk. Billy looks a little confused, not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But just in case we have any doubts, Quinn interviews that she likes to be touched, likes to cuddle and likes to kiss. Getting the picture? Sadly, she goes on to tell us, “I hate being alone. I hate it. I hate waking up alone.” All the while, we’re subjected to a shot of Quinn groping Billy’s thigh.
I used to have a cat that went into heat once a month. The vet said she had over-active ovaries. Once a month, Kitty would arch her back whimpering and howling as she slithered across the floor. Must be the cougar reference that’s reminding me of Kitty. Almost panting, Quinn interviews that “Right now, Billy and I are in the honeymoon stage. That’s always exciting. I want to take him out back and “mack on him a bit.” What the heck does ‘mack on him’ mean?
OMG, these two are out of control. Quinn is whispering in his ear and thanks to the editor’s helpful use of subtitles we now know that she wants to kiss his neck.
Billy is embarrassed. When Billy’s embarrassed, Billy gets really flamboyant. “You’re bad.” He squeals. “You go to church right?”
Quinn answers breathlessly, “When am I going to see you again?”
Billy, self assured and cute as a little pink button asks, “What are we doing tomorrow?”
Quinn tells him, “I have a date.” Now, we have an awkward silence.
“Okay, that fine. That’s fine.” Billy tells her recovering. We flash to Quinn interviewing that she’s not going to put all of her eggs in one basket. Then back to Billy saying, “ All right” followed by giant slug of wine as he realizes that he was just teased and fondled on camera by a horny middle-aged woman with no serious intentions. “Have you had enough?” he asks politely. “Shall we go?”
Oh Vicki, sweet alcoholic, crazy Vicki. In the spirit of Vicki, I suggest taking a shot every time a friend or family member calls Vicki crazy or insane. This week we find Vicki at Efinancial in Seattle, which she informs us is the sister company to her Coto insurance company. She’s brought Michael along to expose him to the world of insurance. Vicki explains to a room full of employees that last year Michael tried construction out with his father and didn’t like it too much. We see a flashback to Michael’s father watching him struggle on a construction sight and commenting that a six year old could swing a hammer better than Michael. Way to be supportive dad.
Time to go to Laurie and George out celebrating the anniversary of their engagement. I know that Laurie is generally considered to be a gorgeous beautiful woman. Unfortunately, she always reminds me of an 80’s village drag queen tanked up on Valium. It’s that combination of a little too much surgery and much too little emotion.
Laurie loves money. So, Laurie loves George, her massively rich fiancé. But there are signs that Laurie might not love George quite as much as she loves his money. The first year that Laurie and George were together she tells us was all “fun and traveling”, “all bliss”. But now, apparently, that stage is over and Laurie tells us that they are in the new stage of planning their life together.
Over what I assume to be champagne, Lori laughs and tells George that she can’t believe that she still loves him, because she normally gets bored by now. She even explains that research has shown that the biggest pheromone production is in the first 18 months of a relationship. Laurie asks if George is worried. When he says no, she tells him shakily “I’m not either.” Laurie interviews that George is still making her happy and that her love for George is nothing like she’s ever felt before. Then remembering the house, her new car, her unlimited allowance and the fact that she feels like royalty, she tells him, “You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”
So here’s the question; if Laurie is still madly in love with George why the heck is she insisting on renting an RV to sleep seven people as they drive across the country to Yellowstone national park for their next vacation. I mean come on; George wants nothing more than to take the entire group of them on a 5 star vacation and stay at the Four Seasons. Family vacations are not super romantic anyway, but sharing an RV with five kids is going to completely rule out any down and dirty time. I’m just saying that maybe those pheromones really counted for something.
Back to Tamra (sigh). Tamra’s husband, Simon, is kind of stiff and robot like. He’s also a saint. I don’t know of another adult, man or woman, who would have put up with Tamra’s oldest son, Ryan. Ryan is a 21 year old spoiled, useless, dirt bag. He recently had to move back in with mommy and up to now has done nothing but sleep, drink and get more tattoos. In this episode, we find out that Saintly Simon has helped Ryan get a job at the Newport Beach Mercedes Dealership where Simon works. The job involves Ryan retrieving parts for the auto technicians for ten dollars an hour. Not a great job, but hey, it’s a job.
Ryan whines that it’s hot and tells us that when he was offered the parts job he didn’t want it because he didn’t go to school to pick parts for peanuts. I’m really hoping that’s exactly what he’s telling the other guys in the parts department. Ryan also has a strange feeling that Simon doesn’t really want him working at the Newport Beach Store because if he messes up it makes Simon look bad. Really? You think? Just a guess but I’m pretty sure that Ryan’s going to mess up.
Surprise. Tamra shows up with their two little kids to visit Simon and Ryan at work. Apparently, this is an unscheduled visit as the nice lady at the counter had no idea who she was. Of course, the cameras following Tamra and kids must have been a little confusing. Tamra goes off to retrieve Ryan and we have a lame little visit in Simon’s office that ends with Tamra weakly telling us that she hopes Ryan sticks with this job.
Back in Vickiland, we are about to be treated to a highlight of this episode. One of those beautiful unscripted moments that give profound insight into how dumb these women really are. After, another shot of the Efinancial sign, we go to Vicki gushing about her son, Michael. Just for hoots I’m quoting this one; “Michael has an amazing personality. He’s very passive/aggressive. I think he’s not a bullshitter. What he tells you is what the real story is.”
Anybody else getting the idea that Vicki has no idea what passive/aggressive really means. Either she thinks it’s a compliment or she’s drunk. Either way works for me.
Ryan interviews that the insurance work is not really up his alley and gives it a one on the excitement scale. The editors then treat us to a short montage of Vicki being controlling and showing Michael the correct way to staple. Michael tells us that his mom is “pretty crazy.” Oh goody, time for a shot.
For their last night in Seattle, Vicki, Michael and the rest of the insurance gang go on a boat tour complete with lots of alcohol. Vicki and Michael have a minor tiff about his drinking, where Vicki snaps, “Michael, you’re with my peers. Don’t make a fool out of yourself.”
Vicki then interviews that she’s really concerned about Michael and his drinking and that she hopes Michael can learn to drink responsibly because she’s taught him all she can about the effects of alcoholism. This statement is followed by clips of Vicki demanding a slippery nipple, a Jaegar bomb, dancing and screaming, and generally making a fool of herself. LMAO. Thank you editors.
Back in Vancouver, Colton is going to work out with Shane and Jeana tells us that she hopes Shane doesn’t hurt him. Over shots of Colton and Shane batting and running around with the team, we’re informed that Colton and Shane have a great relationship now that Shane’s out of the house. Flashback to Shane being a dick to Colton. The last shot is of Colton interviewing that he and Shane are closer now that Shane has passed the stage of trying to be a dick to Colton. Hmmm, me thinks that this might be an attempt to help Shane’s public image.
Just in case you’ve missed her, we’re back with Quinn now. I have to say that this new hausfrau may be even more of a freak than Vicki. This time Quinn is on a date with a 26 year old kid. She tells us in tones of disbelief that she thought he was around 36 years old, but he’s really “frickin” 26 years old. She also adds that she met him at some pickup place in a crummy little bar in the Newport area. Okay, decent looking 26 year old male meets pathetic 52 year old female at crummy bar and they start dating on a reality show. What are the chances that he’s a publicity whore or any other kind of whore? I mean I don’t want to make snap judgments. I’m just saying that if my mother brought him home I’d be a little worried. Quinn tells us that he’s a beautiful looking man and that she usually dates younger men adding that age is just a number and she doesn’t do numbers. It’s not even worth making joke about this. It’s just sad.
We get to watch the profound philosophical conversation that ensues over drinks as Quinn quizzes Jarod on his appearance. She doesn’t remember his soul patch from the other day. Jarod insists it was there and I’ve got to wonder if she was a teensy weensy bit drunk. Quinn asks if he always wears blue because blue brings out the color of his eyes. Jarod rubs hands together and grins exactly like Dr. Evil.
Now it Jarod’s turn to contribute to the conversation. He tells Quinn that he can ask his watch anything telepathically and he asks it if she has panties on. I’m not making this up. The editors judge this to be the best time to overlay Quinn interviewing that Jarod goes to church with his family and that he likes that part of about her before flashing back to Jarod telling her that his watch says that she doesn’t have any panties on.
Laurie is having lunch with her oldest daughter, Ashley. I’m sure Laurie is a nice woman, but I just can’t get past the wasted tranny image. Of course, the frozen immobility of her face resulting from massive Botox injections is probably responsible for her completely vacant expression. After a brief update on Ashley’s pursuit of her real estate license, Laurie fills her in on her latest plan to avoid sex with George by taking the family on vacation in an RV. Well, she doesn’t tell her about the avoiding sex thing, but she does tell her about the RV. Ashley tells her that she’s bringing Xanax with her for the trip. I’m guessing that Laurie has enough for everybody. Ashley wants to be Laurie’s maid of honor, Laurie’s not so sure.
In the Bravo tradition of mixing and matching their D-list reality stars, Laurie goes to see Austin Scarlett from Project Runway season one about a wedding dress. I am deeply grateful for this little trip. I love Austin Scarlett. It turns out that none of the other hausfrau are to be included among Laurie’s maids of honor. And I thought that they were all just the best of friends.
Laurie tells Austin that what she wants in a dress is strapless, traditional, and romantic. Oh, and since this is her third wedding, not white. She begins trying on an endless supply of gowns priced anywhere from between $4,000 to $12,000 and Austin delivers my second favorite line of the day. “You look like a queen.” Exactly what I’ve been saying.
Our last little segment of the week shows Quinn meeting the other hausfrau over drinks. Quinn tells us that the women are a little intimidating because they have larger than life personalities. Vicki tells her that the housewives are a crazy family. Okay, Vicky and the word crazy. I’m taking a shot.
For the most part the women behave like an evil cheerleading squad in the high school lunchroom. When they demand to know how old Quinn is. She tells them that she’s 29 plus. Jeana is actually nice about this and tells her that she looks fantastic. Quinn has invited Jarod, her 26-year-old gigolo, as her date. Vicki wants to know if he’s her son and Quinn interviews that the women can be a little catty. Tamra is visibly gnashing her teeth and looking like she wants to spit as Quinn snuggles up to Jarod and offers for the other women to flirt with him. Regarding Quinn and Jarod’s dating arrangement, Tamra interviews “I think if you’re super hot you can pull it off, but that’s not the case.” And on that loving altruistic note we’re done for the week.
Here we are in the magical land of botox, rampant addiction and weirdly enhanced breasts. Seriously, these women have way too much money to be having the sort of problems that come up on this show.
This week we start with Tamra pretending to be a real estate agent. Tamra bills herself as the hottest housewife in Orange County and that’s enough for me. You know that anybody who makes a statement like that is either a drag queen or suffering from a personality disorder. In Tamra’s case, sadly, it’s the latter.
Anyway, the house she’s showing comes complete with furniture and a 2006 Ferrari that’s parked in the garage. I’m guessing the former owner’s either went belly up in the recent mortgage crisis or died, suddenly. I mean why else do you sell house, furniture and car, as is. Tamra escorts her prospective buyer over the house spinning out her fantasy of life within. In a wistful plaintive voice, she suggests that he keep champagne in the bedroom refrigerator, notes that the walk-in closet holds Channel and Dolce Gabbana, and almost has an orgasm over the Ferrari. I’m guessing that it wouldn’t take that much more to convince Tamra to throw herself in as part of the deal.
Tamra’s words of wisdom for the week: You definitely get what you give and since, I’ve been giving so much to it, I’m getting a lot out of it.
Time to visit Jeana. Jeana is my favorite hausfrau. She seems moderately intelligent and hasn’t given in to the temptation to go blond, however, her son Shane is one of my least favorite characters on any reality show, ever. Over the previous seasons, he has shown himself to be racist, sexist, sadistic, vain and dumb. This season Shane has been away playing baseball for the Vancouver Canadians, a minor league team for the Oakland A’s. Happily, we haven’t seen much of the ManHo. Unhappily, that’s about to change. This week Jeana and Colton are going to Canada to see Shane play.
In Vancouver, Jeana and Colton are at a restaurant with Shane and what I take to be his sponsor family. The editors didn’t explain this on the show, but Jeana’s blog says that minor league players stay with host families. It sounds sort of like adult exchange students. Jeana tells us that she is proud of Shane for making his way in the baseball world and adapting to a foreign country, cuz you know, it’s really hard to learn to speak Canadian. At dinner, Jeanna wants to know if Shane is inspirational to the other players. She tells us that the other players are very impressed with his maturity. Sounds great. This new older Shane must be an awesome dude. Sadly, this is followed by the news that Shane has a little habit of breaking chairs when he’s had bad days. He explains that this is because he can’t punch anybody. Yup, that sounds more like the Shane who will someday land in prison for domestic assault. Jeana tells us that Colton really looks up to Shane; she just hopes that Colton emulates him in a positive way. Really? Positive? I give her credit for seeing possibilities that I’m not.
And now, drum roll please, finally the new housewife, Quinn. Quinn tells us that she and Jeana travel in the same social circles, not that she answered a casting call advertisement in the local newspaper. But no matter, we are introduced to Quinn on a Sunday, which she describes as her day of sailing with the girls to talk about life and men. And she gives us her version of the scoop. She’s been married twice. She has two kids: a grown up daughter and a son in high school. She broke up with her second husband because she wasn’t feeling the love and passion. Quinn makes it clear that she’s looking for ‘her guy’ and tells us that she looks for someone that has a belief in the same God that she does, because she’s “pretty much always been a Christian”. By the end of this episode you’ve got to wonder if ‘pretty much always’ means that she gets to take nights off.
As far as the dating scene in Orange County, Quinn says that the competition is crazy and follows up with this whacked out quote: “I date younger men. I haven’t been called a cougar because they don’t think I’m a cougar, they think I’m closer to their age.” According to what I’ve read, Quinn is fifty-two years old. And if I had to guess, I’d guess that Quinn is fifty-two years old. So you know what honey? Those young men, they know how old you are and they’re probably not thinking that you’re an older hot woman so much as you’re an older, rich woman. So yeah, they think you’re a cougar. Get over it. It’s okay. You’re a Christian cougar. Or is that only on the nights off?
Awkward camera shot of Quinn sitting on ropes at the bow of the boat. Her friends are kneeling uncomfortably in front of her so the camera can get a clear shot.
Switching to the Quinn on a date. She tells us that Billy is the new guy in her life and that she met him at a wine bar. Billy seems like a nice guy in his forties. He’s a little old for a cougar and not the most attractive guy. And, well frankly, he seems a little flamboyant. Not that I’m saying anything, just getting a vibe. Quinn happily tells him that they kiss more than they talk. Billy looks a little confused, not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But just in case we have any doubts, Quinn interviews that she likes to be touched, likes to cuddle and likes to kiss. Getting the picture? Sadly, she goes on to tell us, “I hate being alone. I hate it. I hate waking up alone.” All the while, we’re subjected to a shot of Quinn groping Billy’s thigh.
I used to have a cat that went into heat once a month. The vet said she had over-active ovaries. Once a month, Kitty would arch her back whimpering and howling as she slithered across the floor. Must be the cougar reference that’s reminding me of Kitty. Almost panting, Quinn interviews that “Right now, Billy and I are in the honeymoon stage. That’s always exciting. I want to take him out back and “mack on him a bit.” What the heck does ‘mack on him’ mean?
OMG, these two are out of control. Quinn is whispering in his ear and thanks to the editor’s helpful use of subtitles we now know that she wants to kiss his neck.
Billy is embarrassed. When Billy’s embarrassed, Billy gets really flamboyant. “You’re bad.” He squeals. “You go to church right?”
Quinn answers breathlessly, “When am I going to see you again?”
Billy, self assured and cute as a little pink button asks, “What are we doing tomorrow?”
Quinn tells him, “I have a date.” Now, we have an awkward silence.
“Okay, that fine. That’s fine.” Billy tells her recovering. We flash to Quinn interviewing that she’s not going to put all of her eggs in one basket. Then back to Billy saying, “ All right” followed by giant slug of wine as he realizes that he was just teased and fondled on camera by a horny middle-aged woman with no serious intentions. “Have you had enough?” he asks politely. “Shall we go?”
Oh Vicki, sweet alcoholic, crazy Vicki. In the spirit of Vicki, I suggest taking a shot every time a friend or family member calls Vicki crazy or insane. This week we find Vicki at Efinancial in Seattle, which she informs us is the sister company to her Coto insurance company. She’s brought Michael along to expose him to the world of insurance. Vicki explains to a room full of employees that last year Michael tried construction out with his father and didn’t like it too much. We see a flashback to Michael’s father watching him struggle on a construction sight and commenting that a six year old could swing a hammer better than Michael. Way to be supportive dad.
Time to go to Laurie and George out celebrating the anniversary of their engagement. I know that Laurie is generally considered to be a gorgeous beautiful woman. Unfortunately, she always reminds me of an 80’s village drag queen tanked up on Valium. It’s that combination of a little too much surgery and much too little emotion.
Laurie loves money. So, Laurie loves George, her massively rich fiancé. But there are signs that Laurie might not love George quite as much as she loves his money. The first year that Laurie and George were together she tells us was all “fun and traveling”, “all bliss”. But now, apparently, that stage is over and Laurie tells us that they are in the new stage of planning their life together.
Over what I assume to be champagne, Lori laughs and tells George that she can’t believe that she still loves him, because she normally gets bored by now. She even explains that research has shown that the biggest pheromone production is in the first 18 months of a relationship. Laurie asks if George is worried. When he says no, she tells him shakily “I’m not either.” Laurie interviews that George is still making her happy and that her love for George is nothing like she’s ever felt before. Then remembering the house, her new car, her unlimited allowance and the fact that she feels like royalty, she tells him, “You’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”
So here’s the question; if Laurie is still madly in love with George why the heck is she insisting on renting an RV to sleep seven people as they drive across the country to Yellowstone national park for their next vacation. I mean come on; George wants nothing more than to take the entire group of them on a 5 star vacation and stay at the Four Seasons. Family vacations are not super romantic anyway, but sharing an RV with five kids is going to completely rule out any down and dirty time. I’m just saying that maybe those pheromones really counted for something.
Back to Tamra (sigh). Tamra’s husband, Simon, is kind of stiff and robot like. He’s also a saint. I don’t know of another adult, man or woman, who would have put up with Tamra’s oldest son, Ryan. Ryan is a 21 year old spoiled, useless, dirt bag. He recently had to move back in with mommy and up to now has done nothing but sleep, drink and get more tattoos. In this episode, we find out that Saintly Simon has helped Ryan get a job at the Newport Beach Mercedes Dealership where Simon works. The job involves Ryan retrieving parts for the auto technicians for ten dollars an hour. Not a great job, but hey, it’s a job.
Ryan whines that it’s hot and tells us that when he was offered the parts job he didn’t want it because he didn’t go to school to pick parts for peanuts. I’m really hoping that’s exactly what he’s telling the other guys in the parts department. Ryan also has a strange feeling that Simon doesn’t really want him working at the Newport Beach Store because if he messes up it makes Simon look bad. Really? You think? Just a guess but I’m pretty sure that Ryan’s going to mess up.
Surprise. Tamra shows up with their two little kids to visit Simon and Ryan at work. Apparently, this is an unscheduled visit as the nice lady at the counter had no idea who she was. Of course, the cameras following Tamra and kids must have been a little confusing. Tamra goes off to retrieve Ryan and we have a lame little visit in Simon’s office that ends with Tamra weakly telling us that she hopes Ryan sticks with this job.
Back in Vickiland, we are about to be treated to a highlight of this episode. One of those beautiful unscripted moments that give profound insight into how dumb these women really are. After, another shot of the Efinancial sign, we go to Vicki gushing about her son, Michael. Just for hoots I’m quoting this one; “Michael has an amazing personality. He’s very passive/aggressive. I think he’s not a bullshitter. What he tells you is what the real story is.”
Anybody else getting the idea that Vicki has no idea what passive/aggressive really means. Either she thinks it’s a compliment or she’s drunk. Either way works for me.
Ryan interviews that the insurance work is not really up his alley and gives it a one on the excitement scale. The editors then treat us to a short montage of Vicki being controlling and showing Michael the correct way to staple. Michael tells us that his mom is “pretty crazy.” Oh goody, time for a shot.
For their last night in Seattle, Vicki, Michael and the rest of the insurance gang go on a boat tour complete with lots of alcohol. Vicki and Michael have a minor tiff about his drinking, where Vicki snaps, “Michael, you’re with my peers. Don’t make a fool out of yourself.”
Vicki then interviews that she’s really concerned about Michael and his drinking and that she hopes Michael can learn to drink responsibly because she’s taught him all she can about the effects of alcoholism. This statement is followed by clips of Vicki demanding a slippery nipple, a Jaegar bomb, dancing and screaming, and generally making a fool of herself. LMAO. Thank you editors.
Back in Vancouver, Colton is going to work out with Shane and Jeana tells us that she hopes Shane doesn’t hurt him. Over shots of Colton and Shane batting and running around with the team, we’re informed that Colton and Shane have a great relationship now that Shane’s out of the house. Flashback to Shane being a dick to Colton. The last shot is of Colton interviewing that he and Shane are closer now that Shane has passed the stage of trying to be a dick to Colton. Hmmm, me thinks that this might be an attempt to help Shane’s public image.
Just in case you’ve missed her, we’re back with Quinn now. I have to say that this new hausfrau may be even more of a freak than Vicki. This time Quinn is on a date with a 26 year old kid. She tells us in tones of disbelief that she thought he was around 36 years old, but he’s really “frickin” 26 years old. She also adds that she met him at some pickup place in a crummy little bar in the Newport area. Okay, decent looking 26 year old male meets pathetic 52 year old female at crummy bar and they start dating on a reality show. What are the chances that he’s a publicity whore or any other kind of whore? I mean I don’t want to make snap judgments. I’m just saying that if my mother brought him home I’d be a little worried. Quinn tells us that he’s a beautiful looking man and that she usually dates younger men adding that age is just a number and she doesn’t do numbers. It’s not even worth making joke about this. It’s just sad.
We get to watch the profound philosophical conversation that ensues over drinks as Quinn quizzes Jarod on his appearance. She doesn’t remember his soul patch from the other day. Jarod insists it was there and I’ve got to wonder if she was a teensy weensy bit drunk. Quinn asks if he always wears blue because blue brings out the color of his eyes. Jarod rubs hands together and grins exactly like Dr. Evil.
Now it Jarod’s turn to contribute to the conversation. He tells Quinn that he can ask his watch anything telepathically and he asks it if she has panties on. I’m not making this up. The editors judge this to be the best time to overlay Quinn interviewing that Jarod goes to church with his family and that he likes that part of about her before flashing back to Jarod telling her that his watch says that she doesn’t have any panties on.
Laurie is having lunch with her oldest daughter, Ashley. I’m sure Laurie is a nice woman, but I just can’t get past the wasted tranny image. Of course, the frozen immobility of her face resulting from massive Botox injections is probably responsible for her completely vacant expression. After a brief update on Ashley’s pursuit of her real estate license, Laurie fills her in on her latest plan to avoid sex with George by taking the family on vacation in an RV. Well, she doesn’t tell her about the avoiding sex thing, but she does tell her about the RV. Ashley tells her that she’s bringing Xanax with her for the trip. I’m guessing that Laurie has enough for everybody. Ashley wants to be Laurie’s maid of honor, Laurie’s not so sure.
In the Bravo tradition of mixing and matching their D-list reality stars, Laurie goes to see Austin Scarlett from Project Runway season one about a wedding dress. I am deeply grateful for this little trip. I love Austin Scarlett. It turns out that none of the other hausfrau are to be included among Laurie’s maids of honor. And I thought that they were all just the best of friends.
Laurie tells Austin that what she wants in a dress is strapless, traditional, and romantic. Oh, and since this is her third wedding, not white. She begins trying on an endless supply of gowns priced anywhere from between $4,000 to $12,000 and Austin delivers my second favorite line of the day. “You look like a queen.” Exactly what I’ve been saying.
Our last little segment of the week shows Quinn meeting the other hausfrau over drinks. Quinn tells us that the women are a little intimidating because they have larger than life personalities. Vicki tells her that the housewives are a crazy family. Okay, Vicky and the word crazy. I’m taking a shot.
For the most part the women behave like an evil cheerleading squad in the high school lunchroom. When they demand to know how old Quinn is. She tells them that she’s 29 plus. Jeana is actually nice about this and tells her that she looks fantastic. Quinn has invited Jarod, her 26-year-old gigolo, as her date. Vicki wants to know if he’s her son and Quinn interviews that the women can be a little catty. Tamra is visibly gnashing her teeth and looking like she wants to spit as Quinn snuggles up to Jarod and offers for the other women to flirt with him. Regarding Quinn and Jarod’s dating arrangement, Tamra interviews “I think if you’re super hot you can pull it off, but that’s not the case.” And on that loving altruistic note we’re done for the week.