flipit
12-17-2007, 07:39 PM
A Dogg’s Life by Capt. Curmudgeon
If you were to have told me a year ago that the very “prestigious” E! network would have a new Sunday night line up that included another season of the always classy “The Girls Next Door,” followed by a new series revolving
around the artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg (Doggy apparently just sounded too juvenile after a while) one of the founding fathers of gangsta rap, I would probably have told you that it sounded like a pretty swell idea since a show about girls with fake tits and a show presumably involving Snoop dick slapping hoes while smoking a blunt would seem like a nice fit. I mean everything rappers talk about in their songs actually happens in their everyday life, right? Wrong. At least that’s what Snoop Dogg’s new show “Father Hood,” would lead us to believe.
Much like “The Girls Next Door” sounded like a good idea on paper until you realize that it involved the playmates actually speaking (or at least attempting to form complete sentences while simultaneously trying to avoid
Hef and his Viagra-induced erections) instead of just jumping naked on trampolines when not making out with each other, “Father Hood” too proves to be a disappointment as it doesn’t portray Snoop as the weed smoking pimp we’ve become accustomed to. Some of Snoop’s previous ventures into film and television include the MTV sketch show “Doggy Fizzle Televizzle” aka a stoner’s wet dream, and the masturbatory device/ pornographic hip-hop music
video “Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle”, so family-friendly isn’t really the first term that comes to mind when you mention his name, but “Father Hood” somehow manages to portray Snoop as a mild-mannered family man. Darn.
Designed as a blacker version of “The Osbournes,” with surprisingly less cursing, the show keeps with the tradition of “reality” shows (such as the suspiciously similar “Run’s House”) that feel staged, contrived, and forced pretty much every single minute you’re watching, but your willing to give the show the benefit of the doubt because how many other current TV shows involve none then than Snoop D.O. Double G?
First up we meet Mrs. Dogg herself, Shante aka Boss Lady (not hard to figure out who wears the pants in this relationship), who presumably has no problem
with Snoop objectifying woman, or at least appreciates the money he makes doing it. Of course in the episode they don’t mention their marital problems that almost resulted in divorce a few years back, but why bring up old stuff
now, right?
The episode opens as Boss Lady informs Snoop that their maid Norma just quit, which is really code for la migra found her and are deporting her and her seven kids back to Mexico. What’s that you say it’s only a stereotype that
all housekeepers are from Mexico and have a lot of kids? You’re right, she might be from El Salvador…wherever that is. Oh, who are we kidding, this is California, she’s from Mexico. They show the maid explaining en espanol that
she quit because the place basically looks like a shithole, but I’m no fool so I know that it’s probably just some actress (who probably isn’t even Mexican!) while poor ol’ Norma is back in Tijuana riding in a Volkswagen Beetle with ten other passengers. How depressing.
Oh, but we’ll have time to lament the loss of Norma later, cuz now it’s time for a push up contest which always makes for riveting television. Corde aka
Spank, Snoop’s oldest son, challenges his pops to a push up contest promising he’ll help clean if he beats him. We’re told by Snoop himself that Spank’s hobbies include football and trying to get at a few girls. You’re Snoop Dogg’s son for chrissakes, “trying” ain’t going to cut it. Spank only manages
to do a measly twenty push ups. Looks like Snoop’s been passing his joints over to his son, smokers are never good athletes so it ain’t looking too good for young Spank (the nickname isn’t helping him either). Even the random fat
kid in the room is laughing at him.
If Snoop and his peers have taught us one thing it’s that young black men nowadays can only be one of three things: an athlete, a rapper, or a drug dealer. Oh, and don’t attempt to juggle the first two because you’ll only be met with disastrous results (see: Shaquille O’Neal). My best bet for Spank is the last one since he would always be in his father’s shadow if he tried music, and he’s already picked up his father’s smoking habits so athlete is out of the question too. Always aim low, kid.
Next up is Snoop and since I’m pretty sure he’s high at that very moment I’m not expecting much from him, but lo and behold he does twenty two push ups! Still a very unimpressive number but at least he beat his future drug dealer son Spank. Maybe smoking marijuana isn’t so bad for you after all. Legalize it I say! No? Alright, maybe later.
Uh-oh, Snoop’s all out of breath (not surprising) and isn’t feeling too good. It’s not just the twenty two push ups that he just did. He’s stressed out from all the things that are happening. There’s pressure about his record coming out, his youth football league, the hip-hop po-po squeezing on rappers ( whatever that means), the War in Iraq, the rising gas prices, the slowing economy, the low real estate market, the writers’ strike… Rough times, Snoop, rough times.
Being the boss that she is, Boss Lady orders Snoop to go see a doctor. Naturally, pussy whipped Snoop obliges but makes it clear that they’ll be no needles involved as he’s deathly afraid of them. Remember Snoop smokes weed,
he doesn’t shoot heroine. That’s the white man’s drug.
On the way to the doctor we meet Snoop’s bodyguard Keys, the poster child of obesity. Whoa, someone give me the number to Snoop’s doctor’s office, stat! Apparently Snoop lives in some alternative universe where even his doctor and
the receptionist are hot. Okay so his doctor does sort of resemble the cat lady, Jocelyn Wildenstein, after her tenth or so cosmetic surgery, but she’s only half way there so it’s only half way bad. It’s still better than the balding, middle-aged closet homosexual that I have for a doctor.
Oh no, turns out that there’s going to be needles involved after all! Dr. Cat Lady needs a blood sample, but Snoop ain’t having it. Buck up Snoop, nowadays rappers get shot nine times and still live to rap about it and mention it in every interview and you’re scared of a goddamn needle? Well then how bout some yoga or meditation to relieve your stress?
“Yoga? I don’t eat yoga.”
Oh, Snoop you slay me. If you weren’t fed that line during your Bernie Mac-style confessional I would almost be proud of you. By the way, anything that reminds me of Bernie Mac and the fact that he had his own TV show, even
if it was only on FOX, is not a good thing.
Turns out random fat kid from earlier is Anthony, who’s like an adopted son, but really just the son of Snoop’s hairdresser, who presumably died, disappeared, or just didn’t feel like being on camera that day. Let’s call a spade a spade shall we, this kid’s really just some turd moocher who kept
coming over and wouldn’t leave so they eventually let him stay since it helped Spank look more like an athlete compared to him, which isn’t saying much. Hey, I don’t blame him. If I was Snoop’s hairdresser’s kid I would be
over his house all the time too.
Boss Lady leaves Fat Moocher Tony in charge of cleaning up the house along with Snoop’s non-fake adopted kids, while she goes to get her nails done. Even before he can eat a bag of Doritos and open up a box of Twinkies, he sees the Dogg boys playing with silly string, which they suddenly just so
happen to get from somewhere. They probably just have a silly string shop in the back. Before you know it Fat Tony’s in on the action too. No way can he resist a silly string fight, especially when it for at least a few minutes helps him forget that his hairdresser mother abandoned him and/or died.
Naturally they use the silly string to pretend that their sneezing, coughing, vomiting, and even having a bad case of diarrhea, which is a new one for me. I could potentially insert a gay joke here involving a white gooey substance
coming out of the arse, but this is a family show, and I’m above that…I think.
Anyway, during their battle to the death, we meet Snoop’s daughter Cori aka Choc, short for Chocolate, who’s obviously being fed lines from behind the scenes. Unfortunately, she’s not a very good actress. Get Dakota Fanning on the phone, quick! She’ll do black face, right? Apparently all of Snoop’s kids have nicknames kind of like gang names. How cute.
Meanwhile, Snoop arrives at the yoga studio with Keys, who constantly looks like he’s one step away from a cardiac arrest. This might not turn out so well for him, but it sure makes for some great comedy! Snoop tries his best to stay focused but the instructor’s cleavage proves too distracting. Looks like Snoop wouldn’t mind getting his paws on her. Doggystyle!
Back at the Dogg residence during the burping contest we meet Snoop’s youngest son Cordell aka Rook (short for crook, perhaps?) who informs us that he “likes money, because it’s green and green is my favorite color.” How
profound. We see a future scene of him dressed in a pimp outfit so it becomes apparent that Rook is the Mack Daddy-in-waiting. Evidently his father has taught him everything he knows, including Pimp Daddy Snoop Rule #1: If a hoe
ain’t turning enough tricks, kick her ass and take away her smack. A rule we should all live by, really.
Back at the yoga session, Keys is sweating off about ten pounds (hopefully), as Snoop flirts with the instructor, then compares a yoga pose to getting arrested, and gives us this gem in describing his first experience with yoga:
“That was like a workout with a blunt instructor, just made me sleepy.”
Good one, Snoop! It almost makes you regain a little bit of street cred that you obviously completely lost when you signed up for this show.
Yoga didn’t work so well so how bout some acupuncture? Um, acupuncture involves nothing but a lot of little needles, but no need to tell Snoop, it’ll make for better television! Again the receptionist at the acupuncturist is hot (no surprise there), but the twist is, get this, the acupuncturist is,
wait for it….blind! Geez, someone please get that guy some shades those are some creepy looking eyes. If Stevie Wonder has taught us anything, it’s that blind people should at least have the decency to wear sunglasses so they
don’t creep us all out. Oh but right, then how would Snoop and the audience at home have known he was blind? We would have just thought he was a cool cat who liked to wear his shades indoors, and perhaps even at night. Maybe
instead they could have had him run into a wall or something, that’s always a good laugh. Naturally, Snoop is as creeped out by him as we are and runs out of there as fast as he can leaving the poor Chinese blind man talking to
himself, which sadly is probably not the first time this has happened to him.
Boss Lady’s back home and when she sees the mess she is none too pleased. She lectures the kids for a while before taking them out to dinner because she sure as shit ain’t cooking after she just got her nails did.
Daddy Snoop then arrives home after a long day of checking out cleavage and running away from blind men. Surprisingly, Snoop decides to clean the whole house himself, and finally finds the perfect way to relieve some stress by vacuuming, which he describes as the perfect relaxation. Well so is smoking a bowl and he could have just spent his time doing that instead. Wait don’t take the drug paraphernalia out just yet Snoop, the wife and kids are back home!
The episode closes as Snoop defiantly states that he’s going to get his maid Norma back no matter what it takes, even if it means driving down to Mexico and stashing her in the trunk. Sounds like a family road trip down to Tijuana
on the next episode, where wackiness is sure to ensue, such as Spank and Fat Tony get locked up in a Mexican prison! Snoop and Keys get caught in between an old western-style shoot out at a cantina! Boss Lady and Choc get kidnapped
by bandits! And Rook finally gets into the game by pimping out some Mexican prostitutes! Just make sure you have a good place to stash the drugs on the way back, Snoop.
What ordeal will Snoop and the gang get into next? Well, that’s all for now kids. Tune in next week: same dogg-time, same dogg-channel.
If you were to have told me a year ago that the very “prestigious” E! network would have a new Sunday night line up that included another season of the always classy “The Girls Next Door,” followed by a new series revolving
around the artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg (Doggy apparently just sounded too juvenile after a while) one of the founding fathers of gangsta rap, I would probably have told you that it sounded like a pretty swell idea since a show about girls with fake tits and a show presumably involving Snoop dick slapping hoes while smoking a blunt would seem like a nice fit. I mean everything rappers talk about in their songs actually happens in their everyday life, right? Wrong. At least that’s what Snoop Dogg’s new show “Father Hood,” would lead us to believe.
Much like “The Girls Next Door” sounded like a good idea on paper until you realize that it involved the playmates actually speaking (or at least attempting to form complete sentences while simultaneously trying to avoid
Hef and his Viagra-induced erections) instead of just jumping naked on trampolines when not making out with each other, “Father Hood” too proves to be a disappointment as it doesn’t portray Snoop as the weed smoking pimp we’ve become accustomed to. Some of Snoop’s previous ventures into film and television include the MTV sketch show “Doggy Fizzle Televizzle” aka a stoner’s wet dream, and the masturbatory device/ pornographic hip-hop music
video “Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle”, so family-friendly isn’t really the first term that comes to mind when you mention his name, but “Father Hood” somehow manages to portray Snoop as a mild-mannered family man. Darn.
Designed as a blacker version of “The Osbournes,” with surprisingly less cursing, the show keeps with the tradition of “reality” shows (such as the suspiciously similar “Run’s House”) that feel staged, contrived, and forced pretty much every single minute you’re watching, but your willing to give the show the benefit of the doubt because how many other current TV shows involve none then than Snoop D.O. Double G?
First up we meet Mrs. Dogg herself, Shante aka Boss Lady (not hard to figure out who wears the pants in this relationship), who presumably has no problem
with Snoop objectifying woman, or at least appreciates the money he makes doing it. Of course in the episode they don’t mention their marital problems that almost resulted in divorce a few years back, but why bring up old stuff
now, right?
The episode opens as Boss Lady informs Snoop that their maid Norma just quit, which is really code for la migra found her and are deporting her and her seven kids back to Mexico. What’s that you say it’s only a stereotype that
all housekeepers are from Mexico and have a lot of kids? You’re right, she might be from El Salvador…wherever that is. Oh, who are we kidding, this is California, she’s from Mexico. They show the maid explaining en espanol that
she quit because the place basically looks like a shithole, but I’m no fool so I know that it’s probably just some actress (who probably isn’t even Mexican!) while poor ol’ Norma is back in Tijuana riding in a Volkswagen Beetle with ten other passengers. How depressing.
Oh, but we’ll have time to lament the loss of Norma later, cuz now it’s time for a push up contest which always makes for riveting television. Corde aka
Spank, Snoop’s oldest son, challenges his pops to a push up contest promising he’ll help clean if he beats him. We’re told by Snoop himself that Spank’s hobbies include football and trying to get at a few girls. You’re Snoop Dogg’s son for chrissakes, “trying” ain’t going to cut it. Spank only manages
to do a measly twenty push ups. Looks like Snoop’s been passing his joints over to his son, smokers are never good athletes so it ain’t looking too good for young Spank (the nickname isn’t helping him either). Even the random fat
kid in the room is laughing at him.
If Snoop and his peers have taught us one thing it’s that young black men nowadays can only be one of three things: an athlete, a rapper, or a drug dealer. Oh, and don’t attempt to juggle the first two because you’ll only be met with disastrous results (see: Shaquille O’Neal). My best bet for Spank is the last one since he would always be in his father’s shadow if he tried music, and he’s already picked up his father’s smoking habits so athlete is out of the question too. Always aim low, kid.
Next up is Snoop and since I’m pretty sure he’s high at that very moment I’m not expecting much from him, but lo and behold he does twenty two push ups! Still a very unimpressive number but at least he beat his future drug dealer son Spank. Maybe smoking marijuana isn’t so bad for you after all. Legalize it I say! No? Alright, maybe later.
Uh-oh, Snoop’s all out of breath (not surprising) and isn’t feeling too good. It’s not just the twenty two push ups that he just did. He’s stressed out from all the things that are happening. There’s pressure about his record coming out, his youth football league, the hip-hop po-po squeezing on rappers ( whatever that means), the War in Iraq, the rising gas prices, the slowing economy, the low real estate market, the writers’ strike… Rough times, Snoop, rough times.
Being the boss that she is, Boss Lady orders Snoop to go see a doctor. Naturally, pussy whipped Snoop obliges but makes it clear that they’ll be no needles involved as he’s deathly afraid of them. Remember Snoop smokes weed,
he doesn’t shoot heroine. That’s the white man’s drug.
On the way to the doctor we meet Snoop’s bodyguard Keys, the poster child of obesity. Whoa, someone give me the number to Snoop’s doctor’s office, stat! Apparently Snoop lives in some alternative universe where even his doctor and
the receptionist are hot. Okay so his doctor does sort of resemble the cat lady, Jocelyn Wildenstein, after her tenth or so cosmetic surgery, but she’s only half way there so it’s only half way bad. It’s still better than the balding, middle-aged closet homosexual that I have for a doctor.
Oh no, turns out that there’s going to be needles involved after all! Dr. Cat Lady needs a blood sample, but Snoop ain’t having it. Buck up Snoop, nowadays rappers get shot nine times and still live to rap about it and mention it in every interview and you’re scared of a goddamn needle? Well then how bout some yoga or meditation to relieve your stress?
“Yoga? I don’t eat yoga.”
Oh, Snoop you slay me. If you weren’t fed that line during your Bernie Mac-style confessional I would almost be proud of you. By the way, anything that reminds me of Bernie Mac and the fact that he had his own TV show, even
if it was only on FOX, is not a good thing.
Turns out random fat kid from earlier is Anthony, who’s like an adopted son, but really just the son of Snoop’s hairdresser, who presumably died, disappeared, or just didn’t feel like being on camera that day. Let’s call a spade a spade shall we, this kid’s really just some turd moocher who kept
coming over and wouldn’t leave so they eventually let him stay since it helped Spank look more like an athlete compared to him, which isn’t saying much. Hey, I don’t blame him. If I was Snoop’s hairdresser’s kid I would be
over his house all the time too.
Boss Lady leaves Fat Moocher Tony in charge of cleaning up the house along with Snoop’s non-fake adopted kids, while she goes to get her nails done. Even before he can eat a bag of Doritos and open up a box of Twinkies, he sees the Dogg boys playing with silly string, which they suddenly just so
happen to get from somewhere. They probably just have a silly string shop in the back. Before you know it Fat Tony’s in on the action too. No way can he resist a silly string fight, especially when it for at least a few minutes helps him forget that his hairdresser mother abandoned him and/or died.
Naturally they use the silly string to pretend that their sneezing, coughing, vomiting, and even having a bad case of diarrhea, which is a new one for me. I could potentially insert a gay joke here involving a white gooey substance
coming out of the arse, but this is a family show, and I’m above that…I think.
Anyway, during their battle to the death, we meet Snoop’s daughter Cori aka Choc, short for Chocolate, who’s obviously being fed lines from behind the scenes. Unfortunately, she’s not a very good actress. Get Dakota Fanning on the phone, quick! She’ll do black face, right? Apparently all of Snoop’s kids have nicknames kind of like gang names. How cute.
Meanwhile, Snoop arrives at the yoga studio with Keys, who constantly looks like he’s one step away from a cardiac arrest. This might not turn out so well for him, but it sure makes for some great comedy! Snoop tries his best to stay focused but the instructor’s cleavage proves too distracting. Looks like Snoop wouldn’t mind getting his paws on her. Doggystyle!
Back at the Dogg residence during the burping contest we meet Snoop’s youngest son Cordell aka Rook (short for crook, perhaps?) who informs us that he “likes money, because it’s green and green is my favorite color.” How
profound. We see a future scene of him dressed in a pimp outfit so it becomes apparent that Rook is the Mack Daddy-in-waiting. Evidently his father has taught him everything he knows, including Pimp Daddy Snoop Rule #1: If a hoe
ain’t turning enough tricks, kick her ass and take away her smack. A rule we should all live by, really.
Back at the yoga session, Keys is sweating off about ten pounds (hopefully), as Snoop flirts with the instructor, then compares a yoga pose to getting arrested, and gives us this gem in describing his first experience with yoga:
“That was like a workout with a blunt instructor, just made me sleepy.”
Good one, Snoop! It almost makes you regain a little bit of street cred that you obviously completely lost when you signed up for this show.
Yoga didn’t work so well so how bout some acupuncture? Um, acupuncture involves nothing but a lot of little needles, but no need to tell Snoop, it’ll make for better television! Again the receptionist at the acupuncturist is hot (no surprise there), but the twist is, get this, the acupuncturist is,
wait for it….blind! Geez, someone please get that guy some shades those are some creepy looking eyes. If Stevie Wonder has taught us anything, it’s that blind people should at least have the decency to wear sunglasses so they
don’t creep us all out. Oh but right, then how would Snoop and the audience at home have known he was blind? We would have just thought he was a cool cat who liked to wear his shades indoors, and perhaps even at night. Maybe
instead they could have had him run into a wall or something, that’s always a good laugh. Naturally, Snoop is as creeped out by him as we are and runs out of there as fast as he can leaving the poor Chinese blind man talking to
himself, which sadly is probably not the first time this has happened to him.
Boss Lady’s back home and when she sees the mess she is none too pleased. She lectures the kids for a while before taking them out to dinner because she sure as shit ain’t cooking after she just got her nails did.
Daddy Snoop then arrives home after a long day of checking out cleavage and running away from blind men. Surprisingly, Snoop decides to clean the whole house himself, and finally finds the perfect way to relieve some stress by vacuuming, which he describes as the perfect relaxation. Well so is smoking a bowl and he could have just spent his time doing that instead. Wait don’t take the drug paraphernalia out just yet Snoop, the wife and kids are back home!
The episode closes as Snoop defiantly states that he’s going to get his maid Norma back no matter what it takes, even if it means driving down to Mexico and stashing her in the trunk. Sounds like a family road trip down to Tijuana
on the next episode, where wackiness is sure to ensue, such as Spank and Fat Tony get locked up in a Mexican prison! Snoop and Keys get caught in between an old western-style shoot out at a cantina! Boss Lady and Choc get kidnapped
by bandits! And Rook finally gets into the game by pimping out some Mexican prostitutes! Just make sure you have a good place to stash the drugs on the way back, Snoop.
What ordeal will Snoop and the gang get into next? Well, that’s all for now kids. Tune in next week: same dogg-time, same dogg-channel.