flipit
12-17-2007, 07:02 PM
Hi, everyone. This is Bad Kitty – with my first-ever tvgasm recap. I hope you like it. I know you’ll tell me if you don’t!
This week on The Girls Next Door, we are celebrating Christmas at the mansion. It’s evening and we’re outside the mansion. A bunch of Bunnies, including the Girls and Hef, board a little tour bus to ride around the neighborhood where the houses have nice Christmas lights.
I don’t know why, but I also have to point out that Holly is wearing a really cute red ski sweater, very classic except for the Playboy Bunny integrated into the design. (The rabbit ear logo, not a girl Bunny. Pervs.)
The Bunnies start talking about resolutions. One of the blondes – not a girlfriend, I think, says she wants to be more conservative with money. I think Bridget says she wants to be a little more positive and everybody awwwws. I’m not sure why.
Then, Kendra who, keep in mind, is wearing a huge San Diego Chargers t-shirt and baseball cap says she wants to be “cleaner and classier.” Everybody laughs at her. Probably because there are too many jokes you could make here that all they can do is laugh.
Hef’s resolution: “More of the same.” From the way he looks caught out before he answers, you can tell he never makes resolutions. Which, seriously. There is probably not much Hugh Hefner feels he needs to change about his life. He’s 81 years old, in great health, has three hot young girlfriends, a beautiful house, financial security. It’s obvious his vices are not killing him. What does Hugh Hefner need a New Year’s resolution for?
Opening credits. Bobble heads.
Daytime at the Mansion. A worker sets up light up candy canes along the driveway. Holly interviews that people don’t think that traditional holidays aren’t celebrated at the mansion. Yes, Holly, this is because Hugh Hefner lives in an alternate universe. Hefnerverse. And in Hefnerverse you can have three girlfriends young enough to be your granddaughters, and a corral of other girls vying to take one of their places should one of them die or get too old. Hefnerverse is Wooderson’s idea of heaven.
Holly is setting up a huge gingerbread replica of the mansion. She is obsessed with Christmas, she explains. She poses little figurines of the girlfriends and Hef (complete with smoking jacket), giving them voices, like she’s playing with Barbies, “Hey, baby, I like your car. I wanna go for a ride.”
She gets very excited to show Hef that she’s added people to the house. And then she babbles that Kendra’s doll had a little soccer ball made out of candy, but someone stole Kendra’s soccer ball. Because she left the bag with the soccer ball in it in the hall closet for “easy access” (which makes me wonder what else is in that closet), and when she went back, someone had stolen Kendra’s soccer ball and eaten it. Hef laughs with her, but you can tell it’s more the way you humor a seven-year-old, which is the way Kendra is acting: like she’s finally gotten her daddy’s attention. Which makes sense, given this… relationship. And then after they “laugh,” Holly goes, “Hooray!” The hell?
Bedroom. In double time, Bridget puts up a beautiful tree, adorned with ribbons and these gingerbread men that make me go yum. She begins to wrap presents, talking about how much she loves Christmas. She holds up a throw with a tapestry of, I kid you not, her, Kendra, and Holly piled on top of each other, in a Playboy-style pose. Now that’s something to cuddle up to.
Cut to Kendra: Her room is in chaos, boxes and wrapping everywhere, and she is whining about Christmas and how much it stresses her out. The most frustrating, she says, is wrapping gifts. And even though in every interview it’s like she’s super stoned (look at those heavy eyelids!) – which could be why she has problems with the wrapping – I can totally relate. At wrapping presents, I am all thumbs. Lots of shots of her going ugh. But then she stonerviews: “We need a change in this country. The whole wrapping thing. We need to come up with a different thing.” First of all, there’s a lot more that we need to change in this country besides the way we wrap presents. Second, there is already a solution for the wrapping-deficient. They’re called “gift bags,” Kendra, and they come in all sizes! They have them at Target!
Holly and Bridget talk about how on Christmas Eve something is going to happen at the mansion that has never happened before. Snow. Meaning real snow, not the kind snorted off a Playmate’s ass in the grotto. Bridget exclaims about being able to make an igloo. The hell? Looking over at her cat Dizzy, she breathes that she wants the snow just so Dizzy “can experience it. I gotta put her little paws in it.” Dizzy is the child she will never have. Because Hef is all dried up.
Let me pause for a moment to share my theory about Hugh Hefner: I really don’t believe he has sex with these girls. Not anymore. Not just because he’s too old (because he does look very healthy). I just think it’s so easy for him, because he has girls everywhere, that it’s no fun anymore. I think he keeps the girlfriends because he just likes having nice things in his house. Tiffany lamp, check. Fur rug, check. Hot girlfriends, triple check.
Kendra calls her mom, who asks her what she got for Hef. “A toilet-paper man,” she answers. It is a God-awful cartoonish sculpture of a sad looking man in a suit, pants down, holding a toilet paper holder in front of his junk, with a plunger on its head. I have seen sculptures like these in the lobby shops at Caesars in Vegas. Tacky as all hell and I bet she paid $2000 for it. Barely moving her mouth, she stoner-croaks, “Yes. Perfect gift for Hef.” Apparently, he likes gag gifts.
Next comes a very nice part of the episode, which I can’t make fun of, although I can’t stop wondering why Kendra isn’t part of this. Bridget and Holly wrap gifts for a needy family who has lost everything in a fire. They’re wrapping tons of gifts. As Holly wraps an American Girl doll she says she had one as a kid. Which – this again shows how young Holly is. There was no such thing as American Girl dolls when I was a kid, and I am WAY too young for any normal man of Hef’s age. But this is Hefnerverse, so it’s all good.
I have to point out that, in interview, Bridget says she wants to make this a “dreadition” every year. Which is what Christmas is for lots of people.
They twist Mando the driver’s arm to get him to dress like Santa to drop off the presents. When he does, the kids race over to the van, cheering and laughing. They all help Santa bring the presents to the house – this family is huge. I count at least four little kids, three or four older ones. Everyone is smiling all genuinely happy. It’s all very very sweet. Santa hands an envelope to the mom and she’s like, “For me,” like she really thought this was all just for the kids, so you get this soft spot inside thinking how selfless she must be. And they have NO furniture, just a Christmas tree and a sofa, so the fact that they lost EVERYTHING in a fire is not lost. And then everyone applauds, and it’s very nice and very much in the true Christmas spirit.
The Hef family goes to the Playmate House across the street to open presents. I thought they all lived at the Mansion? Apparently Holly gives everyone the Holly doll. What’s hilarious is that, even though every girl that opens one is like, gee, thanks, Holly interviews, “They wanted them. They just didn’t know they wanted them.”
One of the blondes interviews that Hef is a candy freak. Sure enough, they give him a present and he’s already chewing, his cheeks full of candy, eyes big like a junkie’s. Out of the gift bag he pulls a Christmas tree sucker, still in wrapper, and licks it. And licks it again and again, without unwrapping it. I think he’s just used to licking stuff that’s tasteless and plastic.
Christmas eve morning. An ice truck pulls up to the mansion. Guys with what looks like a fire house spray shaved ice over the lawn. Bridget wakes up and takes one of her dogs to the window to watch the workmen. “How pretty,” she says, even though there’s barely any “snow” – I mean, “ice” – on the ground yet.
Kendra’s mom, grandmother and brother arrive at the mansion. According to a Google search, Kendra is 22. Hef, her boyfriend, looks older than her grandmother. I throw up a little bit in my mouth as Hef looks down at her, talking about the snow.
Kendra jointerviews: “I looked at my snowboard. I looked at the snow. I’m like hmmm…” Does it take that much thought for her to make that connection?
More Bunnies arrive and everybody starts playing in the snow. Sledding. Kendra snowboards. Yeah, snow would be fun if it was 70 degrees out. When it’s 20, and you’re shoveling it so you can make it down the driveway to get to work on a Monday, then scraping it off your windshield – not so much.
They have to push Hef to get him started down the hill. He is wearing white socks and jeans and for some reason, this makes me afraid he might break.
One of the girls lies on top of the ice, scissoring her legs and arms. “Am I making a snow angel?” I hate to say it, but Hef really does not keep this one around for her brains.
Then the girls bring their pets out, like the child-replacements they are. Bridget takes Winnie on the sled, cheering, “You’re a snow dog!” to which Winnie responds by whining unhappily. Next she brings Dizzy out, practically pressing her into the snow. The cat squawk a little and shrinks, trying to run, but that doesn’t fit Bridget’s scenario, so she pulls her back.
The girls construct a snow-Hef complete with snow penis, one of them proclaiming proudly, I made the wiener myself. I bet you did. From “memory,” right?
Evening. It’s actually “snowing.” Holly says she had to go sledding again, even though she had on a dress and no underwear. Other, stuffy looking men go down the sled and there are some awesome wipeouts. One of the guys loses the sled then gets stuck midway down the hill, awkwardly on his side. Kendra does the exact same jump she did early, because her bag of tricks is that deep. From standing still, she pops into the air, twists into kind of a 180, and lands it, sort of. Cheers.
Inside. A surprisingly traditional Christmas buffet. Everyone is dressed very conservatively – even the Bunnies (if you ignore the fact that certain of them are not wearing underwear, as you’ll find out).
Family photos. Kendra’s brother slugs in the corner of his, looking like Christmas at the mansion wasn’t what he thought it would be. Like he’s thinking, Where’s the fucking Grotto?
After dinner, the three girls and Hef go up to open presents. One of them says that they open presents for hours and you can see why. There are presents in every corner of that room. We watch as the girls start opening presents from Hef. Earrings. A pink VAIO. Kendra opens up a gemstone encrusted Chargers helmet-shaped paperweight. She holds it up to her face, breathing heavily. “I could orgasm,” she says. Cleaner and classier, was it? I guess it’s not 2008 yet…
A white faux fur for Holly. The others get black. (caption: Who’s Hef’s angel.) Hef gets diamond Playboy cufflinks. Inexplicably, Holly’s holding a Yoda doll. The girls and Hef all get the naked threesome blanket from Bridget. (“We have matching throws!” one of them says. Heh.) Hef does laugh at Kendra’s toilet man. None of them get a Holly doll. I bet they’re all disappointed. Where’s mine?
They all agree that it was the best Christmas yet. Hef gets the group hug of dreams for many boys and men. And for a man with no need for New Year’s resolutions, Hef is a modest guy, he does not strut – I’ll give him that much.
This week on The Girls Next Door, we are celebrating Christmas at the mansion. It’s evening and we’re outside the mansion. A bunch of Bunnies, including the Girls and Hef, board a little tour bus to ride around the neighborhood where the houses have nice Christmas lights.
I don’t know why, but I also have to point out that Holly is wearing a really cute red ski sweater, very classic except for the Playboy Bunny integrated into the design. (The rabbit ear logo, not a girl Bunny. Pervs.)
The Bunnies start talking about resolutions. One of the blondes – not a girlfriend, I think, says she wants to be more conservative with money. I think Bridget says she wants to be a little more positive and everybody awwwws. I’m not sure why.
Then, Kendra who, keep in mind, is wearing a huge San Diego Chargers t-shirt and baseball cap says she wants to be “cleaner and classier.” Everybody laughs at her. Probably because there are too many jokes you could make here that all they can do is laugh.
Hef’s resolution: “More of the same.” From the way he looks caught out before he answers, you can tell he never makes resolutions. Which, seriously. There is probably not much Hugh Hefner feels he needs to change about his life. He’s 81 years old, in great health, has three hot young girlfriends, a beautiful house, financial security. It’s obvious his vices are not killing him. What does Hugh Hefner need a New Year’s resolution for?
Opening credits. Bobble heads.
Daytime at the Mansion. A worker sets up light up candy canes along the driveway. Holly interviews that people don’t think that traditional holidays aren’t celebrated at the mansion. Yes, Holly, this is because Hugh Hefner lives in an alternate universe. Hefnerverse. And in Hefnerverse you can have three girlfriends young enough to be your granddaughters, and a corral of other girls vying to take one of their places should one of them die or get too old. Hefnerverse is Wooderson’s idea of heaven.
Holly is setting up a huge gingerbread replica of the mansion. She is obsessed with Christmas, she explains. She poses little figurines of the girlfriends and Hef (complete with smoking jacket), giving them voices, like she’s playing with Barbies, “Hey, baby, I like your car. I wanna go for a ride.”
She gets very excited to show Hef that she’s added people to the house. And then she babbles that Kendra’s doll had a little soccer ball made out of candy, but someone stole Kendra’s soccer ball. Because she left the bag with the soccer ball in it in the hall closet for “easy access” (which makes me wonder what else is in that closet), and when she went back, someone had stolen Kendra’s soccer ball and eaten it. Hef laughs with her, but you can tell it’s more the way you humor a seven-year-old, which is the way Kendra is acting: like she’s finally gotten her daddy’s attention. Which makes sense, given this… relationship. And then after they “laugh,” Holly goes, “Hooray!” The hell?
Bedroom. In double time, Bridget puts up a beautiful tree, adorned with ribbons and these gingerbread men that make me go yum. She begins to wrap presents, talking about how much she loves Christmas. She holds up a throw with a tapestry of, I kid you not, her, Kendra, and Holly piled on top of each other, in a Playboy-style pose. Now that’s something to cuddle up to.
Cut to Kendra: Her room is in chaos, boxes and wrapping everywhere, and she is whining about Christmas and how much it stresses her out. The most frustrating, she says, is wrapping gifts. And even though in every interview it’s like she’s super stoned (look at those heavy eyelids!) – which could be why she has problems with the wrapping – I can totally relate. At wrapping presents, I am all thumbs. Lots of shots of her going ugh. But then she stonerviews: “We need a change in this country. The whole wrapping thing. We need to come up with a different thing.” First of all, there’s a lot more that we need to change in this country besides the way we wrap presents. Second, there is already a solution for the wrapping-deficient. They’re called “gift bags,” Kendra, and they come in all sizes! They have them at Target!
Holly and Bridget talk about how on Christmas Eve something is going to happen at the mansion that has never happened before. Snow. Meaning real snow, not the kind snorted off a Playmate’s ass in the grotto. Bridget exclaims about being able to make an igloo. The hell? Looking over at her cat Dizzy, she breathes that she wants the snow just so Dizzy “can experience it. I gotta put her little paws in it.” Dizzy is the child she will never have. Because Hef is all dried up.
Let me pause for a moment to share my theory about Hugh Hefner: I really don’t believe he has sex with these girls. Not anymore. Not just because he’s too old (because he does look very healthy). I just think it’s so easy for him, because he has girls everywhere, that it’s no fun anymore. I think he keeps the girlfriends because he just likes having nice things in his house. Tiffany lamp, check. Fur rug, check. Hot girlfriends, triple check.
Kendra calls her mom, who asks her what she got for Hef. “A toilet-paper man,” she answers. It is a God-awful cartoonish sculpture of a sad looking man in a suit, pants down, holding a toilet paper holder in front of his junk, with a plunger on its head. I have seen sculptures like these in the lobby shops at Caesars in Vegas. Tacky as all hell and I bet she paid $2000 for it. Barely moving her mouth, she stoner-croaks, “Yes. Perfect gift for Hef.” Apparently, he likes gag gifts.
Next comes a very nice part of the episode, which I can’t make fun of, although I can’t stop wondering why Kendra isn’t part of this. Bridget and Holly wrap gifts for a needy family who has lost everything in a fire. They’re wrapping tons of gifts. As Holly wraps an American Girl doll she says she had one as a kid. Which – this again shows how young Holly is. There was no such thing as American Girl dolls when I was a kid, and I am WAY too young for any normal man of Hef’s age. But this is Hefnerverse, so it’s all good.
I have to point out that, in interview, Bridget says she wants to make this a “dreadition” every year. Which is what Christmas is for lots of people.
They twist Mando the driver’s arm to get him to dress like Santa to drop off the presents. When he does, the kids race over to the van, cheering and laughing. They all help Santa bring the presents to the house – this family is huge. I count at least four little kids, three or four older ones. Everyone is smiling all genuinely happy. It’s all very very sweet. Santa hands an envelope to the mom and she’s like, “For me,” like she really thought this was all just for the kids, so you get this soft spot inside thinking how selfless she must be. And they have NO furniture, just a Christmas tree and a sofa, so the fact that they lost EVERYTHING in a fire is not lost. And then everyone applauds, and it’s very nice and very much in the true Christmas spirit.
The Hef family goes to the Playmate House across the street to open presents. I thought they all lived at the Mansion? Apparently Holly gives everyone the Holly doll. What’s hilarious is that, even though every girl that opens one is like, gee, thanks, Holly interviews, “They wanted them. They just didn’t know they wanted them.”
One of the blondes interviews that Hef is a candy freak. Sure enough, they give him a present and he’s already chewing, his cheeks full of candy, eyes big like a junkie’s. Out of the gift bag he pulls a Christmas tree sucker, still in wrapper, and licks it. And licks it again and again, without unwrapping it. I think he’s just used to licking stuff that’s tasteless and plastic.
Christmas eve morning. An ice truck pulls up to the mansion. Guys with what looks like a fire house spray shaved ice over the lawn. Bridget wakes up and takes one of her dogs to the window to watch the workmen. “How pretty,” she says, even though there’s barely any “snow” – I mean, “ice” – on the ground yet.
Kendra’s mom, grandmother and brother arrive at the mansion. According to a Google search, Kendra is 22. Hef, her boyfriend, looks older than her grandmother. I throw up a little bit in my mouth as Hef looks down at her, talking about the snow.
Kendra jointerviews: “I looked at my snowboard. I looked at the snow. I’m like hmmm…” Does it take that much thought for her to make that connection?
More Bunnies arrive and everybody starts playing in the snow. Sledding. Kendra snowboards. Yeah, snow would be fun if it was 70 degrees out. When it’s 20, and you’re shoveling it so you can make it down the driveway to get to work on a Monday, then scraping it off your windshield – not so much.
They have to push Hef to get him started down the hill. He is wearing white socks and jeans and for some reason, this makes me afraid he might break.
One of the girls lies on top of the ice, scissoring her legs and arms. “Am I making a snow angel?” I hate to say it, but Hef really does not keep this one around for her brains.
Then the girls bring their pets out, like the child-replacements they are. Bridget takes Winnie on the sled, cheering, “You’re a snow dog!” to which Winnie responds by whining unhappily. Next she brings Dizzy out, practically pressing her into the snow. The cat squawk a little and shrinks, trying to run, but that doesn’t fit Bridget’s scenario, so she pulls her back.
The girls construct a snow-Hef complete with snow penis, one of them proclaiming proudly, I made the wiener myself. I bet you did. From “memory,” right?
Evening. It’s actually “snowing.” Holly says she had to go sledding again, even though she had on a dress and no underwear. Other, stuffy looking men go down the sled and there are some awesome wipeouts. One of the guys loses the sled then gets stuck midway down the hill, awkwardly on his side. Kendra does the exact same jump she did early, because her bag of tricks is that deep. From standing still, she pops into the air, twists into kind of a 180, and lands it, sort of. Cheers.
Inside. A surprisingly traditional Christmas buffet. Everyone is dressed very conservatively – even the Bunnies (if you ignore the fact that certain of them are not wearing underwear, as you’ll find out).
Family photos. Kendra’s brother slugs in the corner of his, looking like Christmas at the mansion wasn’t what he thought it would be. Like he’s thinking, Where’s the fucking Grotto?
After dinner, the three girls and Hef go up to open presents. One of them says that they open presents for hours and you can see why. There are presents in every corner of that room. We watch as the girls start opening presents from Hef. Earrings. A pink VAIO. Kendra opens up a gemstone encrusted Chargers helmet-shaped paperweight. She holds it up to her face, breathing heavily. “I could orgasm,” she says. Cleaner and classier, was it? I guess it’s not 2008 yet…
A white faux fur for Holly. The others get black. (caption: Who’s Hef’s angel.) Hef gets diamond Playboy cufflinks. Inexplicably, Holly’s holding a Yoda doll. The girls and Hef all get the naked threesome blanket from Bridget. (“We have matching throws!” one of them says. Heh.) Hef does laugh at Kendra’s toilet man. None of them get a Holly doll. I bet they’re all disappointed. Where’s mine?
They all agree that it was the best Christmas yet. Hef gets the group hug of dreams for many boys and men. And for a man with no need for New Year’s resolutions, Hef is a modest guy, he does not strut – I’ll give him that much.