flipit
12-26-2007, 10:19 PM
Nip/Tuck Recap by humperdinck
"Duke Collins"
Grab your eggnog, folks, because it's time for a Very Nip/Tuck Christmas at McNamara/Troy, as evidenced by a troupe of bruised and battered Christmas carolers consulting with our good doctors in the show opener. The lead caroler, Carol (really), explains to Christian and Sean that her group had an unfortunate run-in with Crip gangbangers, who found the singers' red-colored garb to be a grievous affront to their blue-wearing sensibilities. Violence ensued and now the carolers are offering their singing services to the offices of McNamara/Troy for the holidays, in exchange for free facework. Deal!
Back home, Sean, Christian and Julia are exchanging names with each other for their under-$10 Secret Santa. Apparently, plastic surgery must not pay what it used to. They draw slips of paper and each privately reads their giftee's name. Christian eyes Julia. Julia eyes Sean. Sean eyes Christian. I eye the remote. But their eyeball triangle is quickly and mercifully interrupted by a phone call. Oh noes!! Matt's in the hospital! To the Mattmobile!
Sean, Christian and Julia rush into the hospital and learn that Matt was injured and badly burned in a meth lab explosion. "Meth lab explosion?!" Julia asks Sean and Christianaccusingly,leaping from her handy Jump to Conclusions Matt.
"We thought he was clean," Christian explains. Cut to Matt. Or rather, Matt's back, which, if it were pizza, looks delicious. But since it's back,and not pizza, it ain't looking so good.
As Christian and Sean operate, Christian tells the visibly angry Sean to focus on the fact that Matt is lucky to be alive.
Matt wakes up after the surgery to an affectionate but disappointed Julia, a stern but reassuring Christian and a surly but furiousSean. "No one is giving up on you," Julia tells her son. No one except Sean, that is, who uninvites Matt to Christmas and Easter and Arbor Day and everything else, proclaiming that he's through with his son's shenanigans forever-and-ever-amen.
Back at McNamara/Troy, we meet Duke Collins, gunshot - and consequent disfigured cheek - victim and star of this episode's B story, which I am betting will thematically relate to the A story in some as-yet-unknown way.
Last Christmas, Duke explains to Sean, he was working as a department store Santa when an angry 10-year-old boy comes up and tells him he never gets him the stuff on his Christmas list ("a Nintendo, an iPod and a digital camera!"). The kid pulls out a gun and - here comes the awesome part - calls Santa a "lying sack of Christmas shit" and shoots him in the face. "They shot Santa!" one kid screams awesomely as the scene turns to pandemonium and Santa lies unconscious on the ground, a large puddle of blood under his fat jolly head. Duke tells Sean he didn't press charges, since "Matt The kid has had it tough enough. Why make it worse?"
Meanwhile, sky rocket's in flight as Julia and Christian are getting their afternoon delight on. They're feeling pretty guilty about sneaking around, though. Christian wants to tell Sean, but Julia, ever considerate, wants to wait until after the holidays to spill the beans to both Sean and her foxy lesbian girlfriend, Lindsay Bluth FünkeOlivia. Why ruin everyone's Christmas, right? None of this may matter though, because in walks Sean! DUM DUM DUMMMMM! Naked Christian shoves Julia into the wardrobe just as Sean walks in to the bedroom, forcing Christian to come up with a reason why he is doing naked calisthenics against the wardrobe door. "Just working out," he explains to a nonplussed Sean. "I always do this after I masturbate." Me too!
Sean wants Christian to come with him to pick out a Christmas tree. When Christian makes more excuses, Sean pulls out his phone to dial Julia to see if she'll join him instead. On Christian's night stand, Julia's phone starts to ring. BUSTED! But wait! Christian thinks fast: "I must have picked it up by mistake when we were playing Secret Santa." This somehow mollifies the suddenly thick-headed Sean and I double check my Tivo's show info to make sure I didn't record Three's Company accidentally.
Back at McNamara/Troy, the carolers are driving Liz crazy as she and Sean operate on Santa McCheekgash. The docs use the opportunity to discuss (theme alert!) forgiveness, specifically how Duke forgave his pint-sized assailant and how Surly Sean thinks forgiveness is for chumps! As he storms out of the operating room (during the surgery LOL!), Liz calls after him, "It's about love, Sean! It's about grace!" Actually, it's about heavy-handedness.
Cut to Matt, lying in his hospital bed, crying and feeling sorry for himself. Outside the curtain, a mysterious silhouette of a woman tries to give him words of encouragement. He tells her to get bent. She draws back the current and OMGMONSTER!! If Matt's back looked like pizza, Mystery Woman's face looks like baked ziti. Baked ziti that's been run over by a truck. A large truck. Hauling bricks. The horrifically burned woman explains that her name is Rachel, and she is his Burn Rehabilitation Counselor. Matt raises the obvious question (What's with your face, yo?), and she explains she was blown up by a suicide bomber in Israel. Happy holidays, everybody! Her story - and her surprising optimism - inspires Matt to get out of bed and give physical rehab a shot.
Christian and Julia, meanwhile, are all Eyes Wide Shut at a lively S&M porn party being thrown by Kimber andBo Duke Jonathan Kent Ram Peters. Julia tells Kimber about Matt's accident and Kimber is Jack's complete lack of surprise. She uses this as an opportunity to tell Julia and Christian that she and Ram are going to get married, and Ram is going to adopt baby Jenna. Julia pleads to Kimber that she can't take Matt's baby away from him, but the unsympathetic Kimber has them escorted out. "Merry Christmas," Ram calls out to them as they're being given the bum's rush.
Guess who's making fruitcake! It's Eden! She's toiling away in the kitchen, making what looks to be quite the scrumptious loaf of edible Christmas joy. Her secret ingredient? Love -- "love" being an ominous vial of mysterious liquid that she generously pours into the mix. Julia comes home and, upon seeing Eden, generously pours herself a stiff one. But Eden is being uncharacteristically nice, crying and telling Julia she baked the fruitcake for her as a peace offering. Julia reluctantly buys this load of hogwash and invites Eden to Christmas, then sits down for a bite of delicious poisoncake. Mmmm, poisoncake.
"Just a few more steps, Mr. McNamara," Baked Ziti encourages Matt as he walks with great effort. Back to bed as Christian and Julia stop by to give Matt the great news about their visit with Kimber, which pretty much goes like, "Just in case being in a meth lab explosion didn't hurt you enough, Matt, your harlot ex is going to marry a porn star named Ram and they want to keep your baby and there's no chance you'll ever get custody since you are a total pantload." Baked Ziti jumps to Matt's defense, chiding Christian and Julia and telling Matt that if he wants his baby bad enough, he'll find a way to get her back no matter what. Christian follows her as she storms out, while Julia gets a little woozy (from the poisoncake?) and sits down.
Meanwhile, Christian offers up his mad plastic surgery skillz to Baked Ziti for free! (Translation: Girl, I need to do something about how hideous I think you are.) Baked Ziti likes herself just fine the way she is, teaching Christian a valuable lesson about... something, I guess. Back home, Christian, Julia and Sean are tree decorating when Julia feels a little faint again, but shakes it off. This is the lamest poisoning ever. As they decorate and reminisce, Julia's cell phone rings and she pulls it out of her purse. Sean's spider-senses are tingling. "You got your phone back," he fishes. "Huh? Oh yeah!" Julia ad-libs an excuse. Sean looks skeptical but Julia distracts him with a shiny object. Actually, she just points out that it's Secret Santa gift opening time, and that does the trick.
Sean gives Christian a McNamara/Troy T-shirt featuring what ought to be their new slogan, "Put your tits in our hands." Julia gets edible underwear from Christian. "Dessert for Olivia. Very funny!" Sean says. Dessert, yes. For Olivia, no. But wait! There's something else in Julia's box. (More than you know, Sean. More than you know.) It's... fancy expensive earrings. Nothing says "nothing's going on between us, Sean" like fine jewelry, Christian.
"You guys are screwing each other," Sean realizes. Sherlock Holmes, ladies and gentlemen. "The phone... the touching... boy, am I stupid!" Der. Sean is understandably furious. Between this and disowning his son, he's having a banner Christmas. "We love each other, Sean," Christian reveals, leaving Sean speechless.
The next morning at the office, Christian tries to patch things up with Sean, offering to stop seeing Julia if it means that much. He won't date her without Sean's blessing. "I don't know if I can give it to you," Sean says. Groan.
Duke Collins is in for a follow-up appointment with Sean, admiring his stitches when a woman and her son come in and OH NO! It's the kid who shot Duke in the face! The kid has something to say. "I'm sorry, daddy. I'm sorry I shot you." Oh snap! Bombshell! Mom sends Damien out to the lobby and starts yelling at Duke about taking money out of the kid's child support account to have his surgery. Sean is angry that Duke misled him and tells him to get out. Mom wants Sean Duke to apologize to Matt his son for abandoning him, giving up on him and pretending like he doesn't even exist. No time for the thematic subtext to sink in, though, since in come the singing carolers, who have an uncanny knack for showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time, because Mom suddenly pulls out a gun (I am not making this up) and points it at Duke, but Sean bats her hand away and the gun goes off, hitting... Frosty the Snowman. Or rather, a hapless caroler dressed as Frosty the Snowman.
Dissolve to the carolers solemnly singing "Frosty the Snowman" as their fallen compatriot is carried out of McNamara/Troy on a stretcher. Frosty gives Carol the Caroler a weak thumb's up as he passes. I swear I am still not making any of this up. As Sean watches Damien being escorted out by a Child Services worker (years of foster care will no doubt help the kid grow and heal and become a better person), he is left to reflect on his own messed up situation.
So he goes to see Matt at the hospital and asks him to come home and spend Christmas with his family. Sean tells Matt how hisdad left him, and he realizes he's doing the same thing to Matt. He gives Matt a wooden box. "Something he left me before he left me," Sean tells him. "He said it was a box for me to put my dreams in. I just figured it was useless. The only dream I had was seeing him again. But I have another one. For you to forgiveme."
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Matt gives the box back and tells Sean, "This is for your dreams. I've got to find my own." With that, he's off to spend Christmas with Baked Ziti and the kids in the pediatric burn unit. And then to adopt some puppies and chase some rainbows.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
At the dramatic slow motion Christmas party, everyone makes eyes at everyone to the tones of "Silent Night." Christian eyes Julia and Olivia. Liz eyes Olivia. Christian eyes Sean. Sean eyes Christian. I eye a cup of hemlock. Sean greets Christian and they hug and tenuously patch things up. Julia comes over, happy that Sean showed up, and the three of them toast briefly before the dramatic slow motion returns. Sean walks away glumly, leaving Julia and Christian looking guiltily at each other. Sean's glumness gets even glummer as Eden walks in and they exchange glances. Julia hugs Eden, much to Olivia's surprise, and Eden gives Julia a wrapped-up piece of lame poisoncake (what's up with that cake?). Dramatic slow mo dissolves on everyone at the party and The End.
Merry/Christmas, Nip/Tuck, and to Nip/Tuck, a good night.
Grab your eggnog, folks, because it's time for a Very Nip/Tuck Christmas at McNamara/Troy, as evidenced by a troupe of bruised and battered Christmas carolers consulting with our good doctors in the show opener. The lead caroler, Carol (really), explains to Christian and Sean that her group had an unfortunate run-in with Crip gangbangers, who found the singers' red-colored garb to be a grievous affront to their blue-wearing sensibilities. Violence ensued and now the carolers are offering their singing services to the offices of McNamara/Troy for the holidays, in exchange for free facework. Deal!
Back home, Sean, Christian and Julia are exchanging names with each other for their under-$10 Secret Santa. Apparently, plastic surgery must not pay what it used to. They draw slips of paper and each privately reads their giftee's name. Christian eyes Julia. Julia eyes Sean. Sean eyes Christian. I eye the remote. But their eyeball triangle is quickly and mercifully interrupted by a phone call. Oh noes!! Matt's in the hospital! To the Mattmobile!
Sean, Christian and Julia rush into the hospital and learn that Matt was injured and badly burned in a meth lab explosion. "Meth lab explosion?!" Julia asks Sean and Christianaccusingly,leaping from her handy Jump to Conclusions Matt.
"We thought he was clean," Christian explains. Cut to Matt. Or rather, Matt's back, which, if it were pizza, looks delicious. But since it's back,and not pizza, it ain't looking so good.
As Christian and Sean operate, Christian tells the visibly angry Sean to focus on the fact that Matt is lucky to be alive.
Matt wakes up after the surgery to an affectionate but disappointed Julia, a stern but reassuring Christian and a surly but furiousSean. "No one is giving up on you," Julia tells her son. No one except Sean, that is, who uninvites Matt to Christmas and Easter and Arbor Day and everything else, proclaiming that he's through with his son's shenanigans forever-and-ever-amen.
Back at McNamara/Troy, we meet Duke Collins, gunshot - and consequent disfigured cheek - victim and star of this episode's B story, which I am betting will thematically relate to the A story in some as-yet-unknown way.
Last Christmas, Duke explains to Sean, he was working as a department store Santa when an angry 10-year-old boy comes up and tells him he never gets him the stuff on his Christmas list ("a Nintendo, an iPod and a digital camera!"). The kid pulls out a gun and - here comes the awesome part - calls Santa a "lying sack of Christmas shit" and shoots him in the face. "They shot Santa!" one kid screams awesomely as the scene turns to pandemonium and Santa lies unconscious on the ground, a large puddle of blood under his fat jolly head. Duke tells Sean he didn't press charges, since "Matt The kid has had it tough enough. Why make it worse?"
Meanwhile, sky rocket's in flight as Julia and Christian are getting their afternoon delight on. They're feeling pretty guilty about sneaking around, though. Christian wants to tell Sean, but Julia, ever considerate, wants to wait until after the holidays to spill the beans to both Sean and her foxy lesbian girlfriend, Lindsay Bluth FünkeOlivia. Why ruin everyone's Christmas, right? None of this may matter though, because in walks Sean! DUM DUM DUMMMMM! Naked Christian shoves Julia into the wardrobe just as Sean walks in to the bedroom, forcing Christian to come up with a reason why he is doing naked calisthenics against the wardrobe door. "Just working out," he explains to a nonplussed Sean. "I always do this after I masturbate." Me too!
Sean wants Christian to come with him to pick out a Christmas tree. When Christian makes more excuses, Sean pulls out his phone to dial Julia to see if she'll join him instead. On Christian's night stand, Julia's phone starts to ring. BUSTED! But wait! Christian thinks fast: "I must have picked it up by mistake when we were playing Secret Santa." This somehow mollifies the suddenly thick-headed Sean and I double check my Tivo's show info to make sure I didn't record Three's Company accidentally.
Back at McNamara/Troy, the carolers are driving Liz crazy as she and Sean operate on Santa McCheekgash. The docs use the opportunity to discuss (theme alert!) forgiveness, specifically how Duke forgave his pint-sized assailant and how Surly Sean thinks forgiveness is for chumps! As he storms out of the operating room (during the surgery LOL!), Liz calls after him, "It's about love, Sean! It's about grace!" Actually, it's about heavy-handedness.
Cut to Matt, lying in his hospital bed, crying and feeling sorry for himself. Outside the curtain, a mysterious silhouette of a woman tries to give him words of encouragement. He tells her to get bent. She draws back the current and OMGMONSTER!! If Matt's back looked like pizza, Mystery Woman's face looks like baked ziti. Baked ziti that's been run over by a truck. A large truck. Hauling bricks. The horrifically burned woman explains that her name is Rachel, and she is his Burn Rehabilitation Counselor. Matt raises the obvious question (What's with your face, yo?), and she explains she was blown up by a suicide bomber in Israel. Happy holidays, everybody! Her story - and her surprising optimism - inspires Matt to get out of bed and give physical rehab a shot.
Christian and Julia, meanwhile, are all Eyes Wide Shut at a lively S&M porn party being thrown by Kimber andBo Duke Jonathan Kent Ram Peters. Julia tells Kimber about Matt's accident and Kimber is Jack's complete lack of surprise. She uses this as an opportunity to tell Julia and Christian that she and Ram are going to get married, and Ram is going to adopt baby Jenna. Julia pleads to Kimber that she can't take Matt's baby away from him, but the unsympathetic Kimber has them escorted out. "Merry Christmas," Ram calls out to them as they're being given the bum's rush.
Guess who's making fruitcake! It's Eden! She's toiling away in the kitchen, making what looks to be quite the scrumptious loaf of edible Christmas joy. Her secret ingredient? Love -- "love" being an ominous vial of mysterious liquid that she generously pours into the mix. Julia comes home and, upon seeing Eden, generously pours herself a stiff one. But Eden is being uncharacteristically nice, crying and telling Julia she baked the fruitcake for her as a peace offering. Julia reluctantly buys this load of hogwash and invites Eden to Christmas, then sits down for a bite of delicious poisoncake. Mmmm, poisoncake.
"Just a few more steps, Mr. McNamara," Baked Ziti encourages Matt as he walks with great effort. Back to bed as Christian and Julia stop by to give Matt the great news about their visit with Kimber, which pretty much goes like, "Just in case being in a meth lab explosion didn't hurt you enough, Matt, your harlot ex is going to marry a porn star named Ram and they want to keep your baby and there's no chance you'll ever get custody since you are a total pantload." Baked Ziti jumps to Matt's defense, chiding Christian and Julia and telling Matt that if he wants his baby bad enough, he'll find a way to get her back no matter what. Christian follows her as she storms out, while Julia gets a little woozy (from the poisoncake?) and sits down.
Meanwhile, Christian offers up his mad plastic surgery skillz to Baked Ziti for free! (Translation: Girl, I need to do something about how hideous I think you are.) Baked Ziti likes herself just fine the way she is, teaching Christian a valuable lesson about... something, I guess. Back home, Christian, Julia and Sean are tree decorating when Julia feels a little faint again, but shakes it off. This is the lamest poisoning ever. As they decorate and reminisce, Julia's cell phone rings and she pulls it out of her purse. Sean's spider-senses are tingling. "You got your phone back," he fishes. "Huh? Oh yeah!" Julia ad-libs an excuse. Sean looks skeptical but Julia distracts him with a shiny object. Actually, she just points out that it's Secret Santa gift opening time, and that does the trick.
Sean gives Christian a McNamara/Troy T-shirt featuring what ought to be their new slogan, "Put your tits in our hands." Julia gets edible underwear from Christian. "Dessert for Olivia. Very funny!" Sean says. Dessert, yes. For Olivia, no. But wait! There's something else in Julia's box. (More than you know, Sean. More than you know.) It's... fancy expensive earrings. Nothing says "nothing's going on between us, Sean" like fine jewelry, Christian.
"You guys are screwing each other," Sean realizes. Sherlock Holmes, ladies and gentlemen. "The phone... the touching... boy, am I stupid!" Der. Sean is understandably furious. Between this and disowning his son, he's having a banner Christmas. "We love each other, Sean," Christian reveals, leaving Sean speechless.
The next morning at the office, Christian tries to patch things up with Sean, offering to stop seeing Julia if it means that much. He won't date her without Sean's blessing. "I don't know if I can give it to you," Sean says. Groan.
Duke Collins is in for a follow-up appointment with Sean, admiring his stitches when a woman and her son come in and OH NO! It's the kid who shot Duke in the face! The kid has something to say. "I'm sorry, daddy. I'm sorry I shot you." Oh snap! Bombshell! Mom sends Damien out to the lobby and starts yelling at Duke about taking money out of the kid's child support account to have his surgery. Sean is angry that Duke misled him and tells him to get out. Mom wants Sean Duke to apologize to Matt his son for abandoning him, giving up on him and pretending like he doesn't even exist. No time for the thematic subtext to sink in, though, since in come the singing carolers, who have an uncanny knack for showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time, because Mom suddenly pulls out a gun (I am not making this up) and points it at Duke, but Sean bats her hand away and the gun goes off, hitting... Frosty the Snowman. Or rather, a hapless caroler dressed as Frosty the Snowman.
Dissolve to the carolers solemnly singing "Frosty the Snowman" as their fallen compatriot is carried out of McNamara/Troy on a stretcher. Frosty gives Carol the Caroler a weak thumb's up as he passes. I swear I am still not making any of this up. As Sean watches Damien being escorted out by a Child Services worker (years of foster care will no doubt help the kid grow and heal and become a better person), he is left to reflect on his own messed up situation.
So he goes to see Matt at the hospital and asks him to come home and spend Christmas with his family. Sean tells Matt how hisdad left him, and he realizes he's doing the same thing to Matt. He gives Matt a wooden box. "Something he left me before he left me," Sean tells him. "He said it was a box for me to put my dreams in. I just figured it was useless. The only dream I had was seeing him again. But I have another one. For you to forgiveme."
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Matt gives the box back and tells Sean, "This is for your dreams. I've got to find my own." With that, he's off to spend Christmas with Baked Ziti and the kids in the pediatric burn unit. And then to adopt some puppies and chase some rainbows.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
At the dramatic slow motion Christmas party, everyone makes eyes at everyone to the tones of "Silent Night." Christian eyes Julia and Olivia. Liz eyes Olivia. Christian eyes Sean. Sean eyes Christian. I eye a cup of hemlock. Sean greets Christian and they hug and tenuously patch things up. Julia comes over, happy that Sean showed up, and the three of them toast briefly before the dramatic slow motion returns. Sean walks away glumly, leaving Julia and Christian looking guiltily at each other. Sean's glumness gets even glummer as Eden walks in and they exchange glances. Julia hugs Eden, much to Olivia's surprise, and Eden gives Julia a wrapped-up piece of lame poisoncake (what's up with that cake?). Dramatic slow mo dissolves on everyone at the party and The End.
Merry/Christmas, Nip/Tuck, and to Nip/Tuck, a good night.