flipit
12-26-2007, 11:46 PM
Before today, I had never actually seen Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I kind of even thought it was a joke and not a real show. But I went to the website to do some pre-recap research, you know, to make sure it was actually something that was being produced, and not just a cruel joke that Flipit was playing on me. I went to check out the cast bios. Fuck! There are no fewer than 5 Kardashian girls (plus an unfortunately-coiffed brother), and they all look identical to me. AND all their names all start with K. To compound matters further, there are no obvious differences between them, so there are no quick nicknames to distinguish them from each other, such as The One Who Wears Too Much Makeup, The Uptalker, or The Smart One (just kidding!) Only the two younger sisters have been thus far spared the collegen injections and heavy-handed kohlings. We can only assume, however, at the first sign of puberty, these two will inevitably become ho-ed out clones of the older three, at the behest of Stage Mommie Dearest.
But on to the episode. We open with Kim hosting a car show. Signing autographs for the unwashed masses is every little girl's dream. She claims, "people recognizing me - that's a real trip." But lo, fame can be a double-edged sword. In the next breath, she whines about everyone wanting to know all the details about who she's dating. Sorry honey, when you make and distribute a sex tape, you're kind of inviting those kinds of questions. She goes on about tabloids making up stories, and asks, "what can you do?" disconsolately. I have an idea, Kim. HOW ABOUT NOT MAKE A SEX TAPE?? Just an thought.
We cut to the boutique that The Tall One and The Short One seem to manage. Kim's publicist is on the phone, saying that Page Six and other publications are asking her to confirm details about Kim hanging out with Terrance Howard over the weekend. Given Terrance's penchant for ubercleanliness, I'm a little skeptical. ( http://jezebel.com/gossip/top/terrence-howard-thinks-women-are-unclean-and-dressed-like-whores-287242.php ) Kim knows that she is nowhere near as fastidious as Terrence likes them, and says so to her publicist. It turns out that it was Short who took a picture with my man TH, who obviously didn't know that she loans out her shower to homeless men. (So I went and watched some back episodes? Is that so wrong?)
Back at the Kardashian Compound (seriously? Three late 20's girls who must make at LEAST five figure incomes from hosting car shows all live with their mom and stepfather in Calabasas?) Kim is poring over gossip sites, saying how awful it is to be talked about. I guess she and I won't become best friends if this recap makes it on Tvgasm. Tall and Short try to distract her, but Kim has an epiphany! She thinks that going on the Ryan Seacrest morning radio show will be the perfect way for her to set the record straight about her love life. I'm sure all four of his listeners will be very impressed.
At Seacrest's studio, Tall and Short have inexplicably tagged along. Their job is to giggle and wear eyeliner, which they do competently enough. Seacrest lists guys Kim is or was purportedly dating, which she is supposed to confirm or deny. Here's the tally:
Joe Francis - no.
Pete Wentz - she claims to have kissed him in a video she filmed.. Ashlee is probably tearing her hair out and demanding Papa Joe let her get butt implants right now.
Terrence Howard - Short pipes up that it was she who sat on his lap over the weekend, not Kim.
Reggie Bush - she's evasive on this one. When asked by Seacrest if she has seen him without his shirt (because OBVIOUSLY that would mean that they were dating), she claims that everyone has seen him without his shirt. Um, I haven't…
Consider the record set straight! Afterward, the mom tries to be supportive and tells Kim that she needs to grow a thicker skin. She would know - that lady's face looks like Play Doh that's been left out for two weeks.
We cut to Kim driving home, sans makeup. She looks like a totally different person, to the point where I got confused all over again. Trying to keep track of Tall, Short, and Kim is hard enough - but if I also have to remember what each of them looks like with and without makeup - that's six different faces of Kardashian to keep straight. I might be in over my head.
Anyway, Kim is on the phone with someone named Trish, who tells her that, even though she could get fired for doing so, she has to tell Kim something. Trish, sweetheart, is Kim Kardashian's friendship really worth your job? Trish tells Kim that someone is shopping around nude photos of Kim, her sister (she doesn't say which one), and some guy. I'm hoping it's Short in the photos, because if you lined up all the Kardashians from cutest to most heinous, Tall would probably be last in line, and that's including Bruce Jenner.
Back at home, Kim runs sobbing to Mom. At that moment, Short comes home and Kim runs away because she can't face her sister that she introduced to the casting couch. We get the whole story, which is that when Short was in high school, she took some nudie photos with her boyfriend. Kim stole them for a practical joke, and then lost them. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I wanted to play a joke on my sister, I put plastic wrap on the toilet seat. I didn't steal naked pictures of her and them misplace them. Something's fishy, and for once it isn't Kim's vajayjay. (right Terrence Howard? High five!)
Kim moans to Mom that the leaked photos are going to ruin Short's life. Doesn't she mean jumpstart her career? Mom needs a minute to get her head around another sex "scandal," so she asks Tall to distract Short while she and Kim work out a plan.
It turns out that because Short was underage when the photos were taken, they count as child pornography, and are illegal. So now Kim can add child porn trafficker to her ever-growing resume. That can go right under Car Show Autograph Signer.
Mom asks Kim who had access to the photos. Kim says she may have left them lying around her ex-husband's house. Ex-husband? She's like 25 years old! They call up the nameless ex and he says that it was probably one of his friends that did it. I am never ever moving to Calabasas. This is a place where your sister steals naked pictures of you, keeps them, and then leaves them lying around the house for her husband's buddies to steal. I am horrified for all of them.
Mom calls the FBI to track down the kiddie porn before it's leaked. Then they decided to fess up to Short.
The girls assemble in in the living room. Kim asks Short to guess what's come back to haunt them. Short says "my sex pictures?" completely nonchalantly, and almost hopefully. Short says she was prepared (by a PA) because the pictures have been haunting her.
While the girls wait for the FBI to show up, Kim mentions that "Everyone has sex with their boyfriend. Everyone takes pictures." Sage words, indeed, but Mom interjects that not everyone takes pictures. For instance, I bet Tall has never even had a boyfriend. So there's no one to take pictures with.
Bruce eventually arrives home roughly the same time as the FBI. Mom goes out to intercept and prepare him for what he's about to find out. Bruce is skeptical, mentioning that he has been on Candid Camera or Punk'd before (it's unclear), and gives Mom the equivalent of a "fool me once, shame on you" speech. Eventually Mom spills it that it's about Short's nude photos, which Bruce already knew existed. Seriously, this family is way too close.
Short calls her boyfriend Scott over. Scott says she's mad because the pictures were taken before her boob job. LOL, Scott! Scott is incredulous that the agents are actually FBI "because they're not wearing very nice suits." Double LOL!! He's officially my favorite.
While the girls are being individually questioned, one of the little ones asks Mom why the FBI was at the house. She is precious, like a modern day Cindy Lou Who who wants to know why Santa Claus is stealing the Christmas tree.
Mom says they come help when you have a big time grown up problem and totally evades the question. Why are these people acting like they aren't on TV? The little one must be used to the dodge, because it rolls right off her back and she goes to bed.
The next morning the phone rings. Mom says they got the guy in the middle of the night, because I'm sure Short Kardashian's sex pictures are the FBI's number one priority. Short is relieved to hear this. She says she kept checking TMZ for the pictures of herself through the night. She should be so lucky.
Kim is jubilant that she's off the hook as a child pornographer, and that hers is the only Kardashian box that America has seen. There's NO ROOM in the spotlight for Short. Kim says that she wants to be known as someone to not be fucked with. Mom pipes up with a "no pun intended" LOL, Mom!
Kim goes talks to the little ones, who seem inseparable in their adorable playhouse. Seriously, they are like eleven years old, and their big sisters make sex tapes. There is no way they spend their time in playhouses, unless they're in there taking racy photos of each other. Kim tells them they always have their sisters to talk to. You know, because they're such great role models.
But on to the episode. We open with Kim hosting a car show. Signing autographs for the unwashed masses is every little girl's dream. She claims, "people recognizing me - that's a real trip." But lo, fame can be a double-edged sword. In the next breath, she whines about everyone wanting to know all the details about who she's dating. Sorry honey, when you make and distribute a sex tape, you're kind of inviting those kinds of questions. She goes on about tabloids making up stories, and asks, "what can you do?" disconsolately. I have an idea, Kim. HOW ABOUT NOT MAKE A SEX TAPE?? Just an thought.
We cut to the boutique that The Tall One and The Short One seem to manage. Kim's publicist is on the phone, saying that Page Six and other publications are asking her to confirm details about Kim hanging out with Terrance Howard over the weekend. Given Terrance's penchant for ubercleanliness, I'm a little skeptical. ( http://jezebel.com/gossip/top/terrence-howard-thinks-women-are-unclean-and-dressed-like-whores-287242.php ) Kim knows that she is nowhere near as fastidious as Terrence likes them, and says so to her publicist. It turns out that it was Short who took a picture with my man TH, who obviously didn't know that she loans out her shower to homeless men. (So I went and watched some back episodes? Is that so wrong?)
Back at the Kardashian Compound (seriously? Three late 20's girls who must make at LEAST five figure incomes from hosting car shows all live with their mom and stepfather in Calabasas?) Kim is poring over gossip sites, saying how awful it is to be talked about. I guess she and I won't become best friends if this recap makes it on Tvgasm. Tall and Short try to distract her, but Kim has an epiphany! She thinks that going on the Ryan Seacrest morning radio show will be the perfect way for her to set the record straight about her love life. I'm sure all four of his listeners will be very impressed.
At Seacrest's studio, Tall and Short have inexplicably tagged along. Their job is to giggle and wear eyeliner, which they do competently enough. Seacrest lists guys Kim is or was purportedly dating, which she is supposed to confirm or deny. Here's the tally:
Joe Francis - no.
Pete Wentz - she claims to have kissed him in a video she filmed.. Ashlee is probably tearing her hair out and demanding Papa Joe let her get butt implants right now.
Terrence Howard - Short pipes up that it was she who sat on his lap over the weekend, not Kim.
Reggie Bush - she's evasive on this one. When asked by Seacrest if she has seen him without his shirt (because OBVIOUSLY that would mean that they were dating), she claims that everyone has seen him without his shirt. Um, I haven't…
Consider the record set straight! Afterward, the mom tries to be supportive and tells Kim that she needs to grow a thicker skin. She would know - that lady's face looks like Play Doh that's been left out for two weeks.
We cut to Kim driving home, sans makeup. She looks like a totally different person, to the point where I got confused all over again. Trying to keep track of Tall, Short, and Kim is hard enough - but if I also have to remember what each of them looks like with and without makeup - that's six different faces of Kardashian to keep straight. I might be in over my head.
Anyway, Kim is on the phone with someone named Trish, who tells her that, even though she could get fired for doing so, she has to tell Kim something. Trish, sweetheart, is Kim Kardashian's friendship really worth your job? Trish tells Kim that someone is shopping around nude photos of Kim, her sister (she doesn't say which one), and some guy. I'm hoping it's Short in the photos, because if you lined up all the Kardashians from cutest to most heinous, Tall would probably be last in line, and that's including Bruce Jenner.
Back at home, Kim runs sobbing to Mom. At that moment, Short comes home and Kim runs away because she can't face her sister that she introduced to the casting couch. We get the whole story, which is that when Short was in high school, she took some nudie photos with her boyfriend. Kim stole them for a practical joke, and then lost them. I don't know about the rest of you, but when I wanted to play a joke on my sister, I put plastic wrap on the toilet seat. I didn't steal naked pictures of her and them misplace them. Something's fishy, and for once it isn't Kim's vajayjay. (right Terrence Howard? High five!)
Kim moans to Mom that the leaked photos are going to ruin Short's life. Doesn't she mean jumpstart her career? Mom needs a minute to get her head around another sex "scandal," so she asks Tall to distract Short while she and Kim work out a plan.
It turns out that because Short was underage when the photos were taken, they count as child pornography, and are illegal. So now Kim can add child porn trafficker to her ever-growing resume. That can go right under Car Show Autograph Signer.
Mom asks Kim who had access to the photos. Kim says she may have left them lying around her ex-husband's house. Ex-husband? She's like 25 years old! They call up the nameless ex and he says that it was probably one of his friends that did it. I am never ever moving to Calabasas. This is a place where your sister steals naked pictures of you, keeps them, and then leaves them lying around the house for her husband's buddies to steal. I am horrified for all of them.
Mom calls the FBI to track down the kiddie porn before it's leaked. Then they decided to fess up to Short.
The girls assemble in in the living room. Kim asks Short to guess what's come back to haunt them. Short says "my sex pictures?" completely nonchalantly, and almost hopefully. Short says she was prepared (by a PA) because the pictures have been haunting her.
While the girls wait for the FBI to show up, Kim mentions that "Everyone has sex with their boyfriend. Everyone takes pictures." Sage words, indeed, but Mom interjects that not everyone takes pictures. For instance, I bet Tall has never even had a boyfriend. So there's no one to take pictures with.
Bruce eventually arrives home roughly the same time as the FBI. Mom goes out to intercept and prepare him for what he's about to find out. Bruce is skeptical, mentioning that he has been on Candid Camera or Punk'd before (it's unclear), and gives Mom the equivalent of a "fool me once, shame on you" speech. Eventually Mom spills it that it's about Short's nude photos, which Bruce already knew existed. Seriously, this family is way too close.
Short calls her boyfriend Scott over. Scott says she's mad because the pictures were taken before her boob job. LOL, Scott! Scott is incredulous that the agents are actually FBI "because they're not wearing very nice suits." Double LOL!! He's officially my favorite.
While the girls are being individually questioned, one of the little ones asks Mom why the FBI was at the house. She is precious, like a modern day Cindy Lou Who who wants to know why Santa Claus is stealing the Christmas tree.
Mom says they come help when you have a big time grown up problem and totally evades the question. Why are these people acting like they aren't on TV? The little one must be used to the dodge, because it rolls right off her back and she goes to bed.
The next morning the phone rings. Mom says they got the guy in the middle of the night, because I'm sure Short Kardashian's sex pictures are the FBI's number one priority. Short is relieved to hear this. She says she kept checking TMZ for the pictures of herself through the night. She should be so lucky.
Kim is jubilant that she's off the hook as a child pornographer, and that hers is the only Kardashian box that America has seen. There's NO ROOM in the spotlight for Short. Kim says that she wants to be known as someone to not be fucked with. Mom pipes up with a "no pun intended" LOL, Mom!
Kim goes talks to the little ones, who seem inseparable in their adorable playhouse. Seriously, they are like eleven years old, and their big sisters make sex tapes. There is no way they spend their time in playhouses, unless they're in there taking racy photos of each other. Kim tells them they always have their sisters to talk to. You know, because they're such great role models.