flipit
01-06-2008, 10:15 PM
So, in the spirit of the show that I’ll be recapping, Women’s Murder Club, I figured maybe I should start out with a confession of my own – crime shows are totally not my bag, baby. My knowledge of anything murder related can pretty much be summed up with, “Miss Scarlet, in the Conservatory, with the lead pipe.” So I eagerly tuned into this weeks WMC episode as a personal 42-minute crash course on how bad guys commit murders and what good guys do to solve them. And maybe in the process I’d pick up some more accurate terms to use instead of “bad guys” and “good guys.”
We open with the show’s detective darling, Lindsay Boxer, getting a hot tip, racing to the scene of a crime, and stepping out of her Jeep armed with… a greasy bag of fast food? The girl’s toothpick skinny so I’m guessing it’s not for her. Sure enough, Lindsay is getting tipped off by a homeless guy who prefers to be paid for his precious intel with hamburgers. The Hamburglar actually looks a little like a Ronald McDonald sans makeup who has traded his red and yellow clown suit for more sensible muted neutrals. Hamburglar cradles his prize in his arms like a newborn and leads Lindsay through a dark warehouse where he reveals… a severed head, artfully displayed on a wooden crate. Awesome! My first lesson in how to be a good guy: always, always be prepared with a selection of goodies from the dollar menu.
Lindsay’s partner Jacobi joins her on the crime scene where they find the victim’s torso scattered among the remnants of some broken wine bottles. Turns out Severed-Head, a wine dealer, met his maker when he was repeatedly run-over by a car. Jacobi is the ying to Lindsay’s yang – he’s the affable father figure to guide and advise our independent, foxy detective. Jacobi takes a peek in the trunk of Severed-Head’s car where he finds a case of wine and offhandedly remarks that these particular bottles go for 400 bucks a pop. Wow, is this a perk of being a criminal detective? Are your courses taught by a wino so just in case the whole “solving murders” thing doesn’t work out, you’re all set to become a sommelier? I’m in. Score one for the good guys.
Ooooo Lindsay’s girls are here! Surely you didn’t think that one woman made up the entirety of the Women’s Murder Club, did you? No, no. Lindsay and her three BFFs all work together to fight crime while they talk about boys. These ladies fall right into the stereotypes portrayed by other famous fictional female foursomes like the well-known gals from Sex and The City, the lesser-known tweens in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and my personal favorite, the world-famous Fantanas! Spunky Reporter Cindy is the daft cute one, Medical Examiner Claire is the frumpier misfit, and District Attorney Jill is the sex-crazed one with a masculine bone structure.
Also of note – at one point in this scene while the camera is surveying the wreckage, we get a shiteous voiceover of Lindsay that so poorly coordinates with her actual gravelly manvoice, that it gives some of the best bad voiceovers from The Hills a run for their money. Bonus lesson having nothing to do with bad guys or good guys: cable networks don’t have a monopoly on crappy editing.
Later, Lindsay and Jacobi are back at the office breaking the news to the victim’s widow. When they inform her that her husband probably wasn’t killed by accident, she reacts in perfect airhead style, “What, like, murder?” Either this woman is a horrible actress or she’s guilty of something. Jacobi and Lindsay are rightfully suspicious and order further investigation. Lesson #2: It doesn’t take big brains to be a good guy.
Well the crime-fighting duo is off! Lindsay and Jacobi head over to Victor’s Fine Wines, the store that Severed-Head used to co-own. An old guy who bears a remarkable resemblance to Colonel Mustard (see! I know my Clue!) comes over and notifies L&J that the event that’s going on is invitation only. Lindsey and Jacobi flash their badges at the same time, providing perhaps the most essential good guy lesson of the episode: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. Flashing something flashy will literally open doors.
I snooze through Jacobi’s interview with Colonel Mustard as they sample wines and banter about Severed-Head. I snap out of it when Colonel Mustard pretentiously insults his customers, saying most of them don’t know the good stuff from Two Buck Chuck. My thoughts on Colonel Mustard were neutral until the pompous jerk insulted my beloved Charles Shaw merlot, the cheap Trader Joe’s wine that actually doesn’t taste like crap. Two Buck Chuck provided me with many a drunken good evening back when I was pinching pennies in college. All right. My amateur crime-fighting skills (okay, amateur may be a bit of an overstatement) say that this guy committed the murder, just because he’s an asshole.
It’s time to meet Lindsay’s boss and ex-husband Tom. Wow, Tom has taken this accessorize-with-a-badge thing to a whole new level. He’s the only detective who is wearing his badge around a chain on his neck, just like a locket. Seriously, Tom? This is the most ridiculous looking thing I’ve ever seen, and so far is the funniest thing about this show. Well, I’m here to learn from you. Badge as bling it is.
Tom’s meeting with FBI Guy, a detective who has been assigned to follow what appears to be a long-running investigation on a criminal called the Kiss Me Not Killer. Sexual tension fills the room and when FBI Guy reveals that the Kiss Me Not Killer may be targeting Lindsay, Tom flies off the handle and screams at her as he jumps out of his chair, badge necklace a-swinging. “You knew about this and didn’t tell anyone? This is so typical!” he shouts at her. Lindsay defends herself, babbling about “moving on” from the killer. Methinks Tom and Lindsay probably aren’t talking about the killer anymore.
This lover’s quarrel is interrupted with a call from Mia, Severed-Head’s widow. She announces that she’s about to jump from the Golden Gate Bridge, and then does. Am I supposed to care about this? The writers have even the simplest scenes saturated with such melodrama that I can’t bring myself to get excited about any of these SHOCKING turns of events.
Lindsay and FBI Guy hate-flirt – the same way my third grade crush and I used to – while they examine the details of the Kiss Me Not Killer’s crime scenes. By the way, it’s really hard to tell Tom and FBI guy apart, as they look nearly identical. I guess the casting directors felt the writing on this show was so bad that they needed to cast almost-twins as Lindsay’s two love interests, essentially shouting at us SHE HAS A TYPE. SHE’S CONFLICTED. LOVE IS HARD.
Apparently, the Kiss Me Not Killer’s victims are all young women who he brutally murders and then stitches their lips shut with thick wire. One of the victims is splayed across a meadow, her dead naked body covered with lilac petals and her shimmer eyeshadow artfully applied. Finally, Lesson #1 about being a bad guy! Make your victim look like she belongs in an Estee Lauder ad. Except, you know, dead.
Tom tattles on Lindsay to Jacobi, telling him that Lindsay was threatened by the Kiss Me Not Killer and didn’t tell anyone about it. I still do not understand how anyone is taking Tom seriously with this badge necklace! It looks like something my little cousins picked up at the dollar store! I digress – this new information leads to a showdown between Jacobi and Lindsay in some sort of locked cage warehouse that is apparently a part of their offices. Lindsay goes into her whole tough-girl, women’s lib “I can protect myself!” shtick. Jacobi tears Lindsay a new one, letting her know that she’s putting him at risk, too. Lindsay starts with the waterworks, even though the speech is more asshole than intimidating, and she proves that even the toughest girls are crybabies deep down inside. Yay, stereotypes!
FBI Guy corners Lindsay and accuses her of getting too involved in the Kiss Me Not Killer’s case and using it as a way to escape the pressure of her dissolving marriage with Tom. Lindsay counters by showing FBI Guy up to the attic of her apartment, where the walls are covered with pictures of victims, newspaper clippings, and photocopies of the evidence. Wow, Linds, great work. I haven’t seen a shrine this decked out since my best friend spent 1998 devoting her life and her bedroom to the Backstreet Boys. Lesson #3 of being a good guy? Embrace your inner teenager.
District Attorney Jill shows up and she looks a lot like an older version of pop singer Pink, but still just as butch. She tells Tom and Jacobi that Severed-Head’s ex-wife, Mia, had been saving for retirement with a guy named Dylan Carter. Tom and Jacobi go to Dylan Carter’s house and guess who answers the door? Surprise! It’s Mia! But wait, didn’t Mia jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? Nope, she’s just a bigamist who faked her own death but is still cool to live her life as her other alias, Dylan.
The detectives put very little heat on Mia/Dylan before she cracks and readily confesses every minute detail to her charade. But why two lives? Well, she met Severed-Head at a gallery opening and thought he was cute. So then she just made up a whole separate identity and decided to marry him. Totally normal! Dylan/Mia gives us another bad guy tip about the ease of maintaining two identities: “I just had two cell phones and two sets of IDs.” So, if I wanted to be a bad guy, all I’d need would be a little help from Verizon and a graphic design major from the community college down the road. Additionally, this story has absolutely zero to do with furthering the plotline, and there’s really no reason to have it included in the episode.
The whole gang meets up at a warehouse leased by one of Colonel Mustard’s top cronies. They bust it open and what do they find? A showroom full of old, expensive cars. Because Colonel Mustard’s a genius, the grill of one of the cars still has clearly visible remains of Severed-Head’s skin, blood, hair, and clothes. The bad guy lesson to take away here? Don’t destroy the evidence, that’s for losers! Boys and girls, we’ve solved the crime… it was Colonel Mustard, with the Ford Pickup, in the alley!
Quick, off to Victor’s Fine Wines to confront our killer! Amid enough flashing lights to make the strip mall of the parking lot look like a disco, I get my last good guy lesson as Jacobi, Tom, and Lindsay creep up outside the store. And lucky me, it’s another fashion tip! The three detectives have their bulletproof vests fastened over their street clothes. Now, since I admittedly don’t watch crime dramas, maybe this is the norm, but it still looks really goofy to me. I’m tickled when I notice that Tom’s badge is pinned proudly to the outside of his bulletproof vest. We get it Tom! We know you work for the San Francisco PD! Now take off that silly-ass badge!
In this fairly anti-climatic showdown, a few shots are fired but no one gets hurt and Lindsay manages to sneak up on the Colonel from behind. Aw shucks, game over for Colonel Mustard! “How did you know?”he asks, seeming almost bored as the detectives cuff him.
Lindsay explains how her team managed to get a bottle of one of his most expensive wines, which they had tested to determine that it was a fake. The Colonel had been running a whole counterfeiting ring behind his partner Severed-Head’s back. Severed-Head obviously discovered his secret, which led Colonel Mustard to go all monster truck rally on his ass. Keeping with the “just admit everything” rule that Dylan/Mia taught us, Colonel Mustard nonchalantly confirms his story, saying, “It’s no difference to most people what’s in a bottle, as long as the label is right.” Looks like Colonel Mustard is a fan of Two Buck Chuck after all!
With the mystery solved, everyone heads back to the office to hang, despite the fact that the arrest clearly happened in the middle of the night. FBI Guy and Linds have a heart to heart where Lindsay confides that she wanted her marriage to be a fairytale. Lindsay has her “Eureka!” moment where she figures out that all of the Kiss Me Not Killer’s crime scenes are staged based on old fairytales. How this brings them any closer to finding the serial killer is beyond me. All of the girls then have a rah-rah moment when Lindsay confides that the Kiss Me Not Killer may be targeting her as the next victim. They all vow to protect Lindsay, Lindsay tears up again… the whole scene screams Sisterhood! Solidarity! Thankfully, they stop short of putting their hands together in the middle of the circle and chanting, “All for one, and one for all!”
And there you have it. I survived my first episode of a crime drama. So maybe I didn’t learn any fancier words for “good guy” and “bad guy.” Then again, I’m really not that surprised about that considering the title of this show suggests that the central characters are either female murders or murders of either gender who specialize in murdering women. That’s been bugging me the whole episode. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.
We open with the show’s detective darling, Lindsay Boxer, getting a hot tip, racing to the scene of a crime, and stepping out of her Jeep armed with… a greasy bag of fast food? The girl’s toothpick skinny so I’m guessing it’s not for her. Sure enough, Lindsay is getting tipped off by a homeless guy who prefers to be paid for his precious intel with hamburgers. The Hamburglar actually looks a little like a Ronald McDonald sans makeup who has traded his red and yellow clown suit for more sensible muted neutrals. Hamburglar cradles his prize in his arms like a newborn and leads Lindsay through a dark warehouse where he reveals… a severed head, artfully displayed on a wooden crate. Awesome! My first lesson in how to be a good guy: always, always be prepared with a selection of goodies from the dollar menu.
Lindsay’s partner Jacobi joins her on the crime scene where they find the victim’s torso scattered among the remnants of some broken wine bottles. Turns out Severed-Head, a wine dealer, met his maker when he was repeatedly run-over by a car. Jacobi is the ying to Lindsay’s yang – he’s the affable father figure to guide and advise our independent, foxy detective. Jacobi takes a peek in the trunk of Severed-Head’s car where he finds a case of wine and offhandedly remarks that these particular bottles go for 400 bucks a pop. Wow, is this a perk of being a criminal detective? Are your courses taught by a wino so just in case the whole “solving murders” thing doesn’t work out, you’re all set to become a sommelier? I’m in. Score one for the good guys.
Ooooo Lindsay’s girls are here! Surely you didn’t think that one woman made up the entirety of the Women’s Murder Club, did you? No, no. Lindsay and her three BFFs all work together to fight crime while they talk about boys. These ladies fall right into the stereotypes portrayed by other famous fictional female foursomes like the well-known gals from Sex and The City, the lesser-known tweens in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and my personal favorite, the world-famous Fantanas! Spunky Reporter Cindy is the daft cute one, Medical Examiner Claire is the frumpier misfit, and District Attorney Jill is the sex-crazed one with a masculine bone structure.
Also of note – at one point in this scene while the camera is surveying the wreckage, we get a shiteous voiceover of Lindsay that so poorly coordinates with her actual gravelly manvoice, that it gives some of the best bad voiceovers from The Hills a run for their money. Bonus lesson having nothing to do with bad guys or good guys: cable networks don’t have a monopoly on crappy editing.
Later, Lindsay and Jacobi are back at the office breaking the news to the victim’s widow. When they inform her that her husband probably wasn’t killed by accident, she reacts in perfect airhead style, “What, like, murder?” Either this woman is a horrible actress or she’s guilty of something. Jacobi and Lindsay are rightfully suspicious and order further investigation. Lesson #2: It doesn’t take big brains to be a good guy.
Well the crime-fighting duo is off! Lindsay and Jacobi head over to Victor’s Fine Wines, the store that Severed-Head used to co-own. An old guy who bears a remarkable resemblance to Colonel Mustard (see! I know my Clue!) comes over and notifies L&J that the event that’s going on is invitation only. Lindsey and Jacobi flash their badges at the same time, providing perhaps the most essential good guy lesson of the episode: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. Flashing something flashy will literally open doors.
I snooze through Jacobi’s interview with Colonel Mustard as they sample wines and banter about Severed-Head. I snap out of it when Colonel Mustard pretentiously insults his customers, saying most of them don’t know the good stuff from Two Buck Chuck. My thoughts on Colonel Mustard were neutral until the pompous jerk insulted my beloved Charles Shaw merlot, the cheap Trader Joe’s wine that actually doesn’t taste like crap. Two Buck Chuck provided me with many a drunken good evening back when I was pinching pennies in college. All right. My amateur crime-fighting skills (okay, amateur may be a bit of an overstatement) say that this guy committed the murder, just because he’s an asshole.
It’s time to meet Lindsay’s boss and ex-husband Tom. Wow, Tom has taken this accessorize-with-a-badge thing to a whole new level. He’s the only detective who is wearing his badge around a chain on his neck, just like a locket. Seriously, Tom? This is the most ridiculous looking thing I’ve ever seen, and so far is the funniest thing about this show. Well, I’m here to learn from you. Badge as bling it is.
Tom’s meeting with FBI Guy, a detective who has been assigned to follow what appears to be a long-running investigation on a criminal called the Kiss Me Not Killer. Sexual tension fills the room and when FBI Guy reveals that the Kiss Me Not Killer may be targeting Lindsay, Tom flies off the handle and screams at her as he jumps out of his chair, badge necklace a-swinging. “You knew about this and didn’t tell anyone? This is so typical!” he shouts at her. Lindsay defends herself, babbling about “moving on” from the killer. Methinks Tom and Lindsay probably aren’t talking about the killer anymore.
This lover’s quarrel is interrupted with a call from Mia, Severed-Head’s widow. She announces that she’s about to jump from the Golden Gate Bridge, and then does. Am I supposed to care about this? The writers have even the simplest scenes saturated with such melodrama that I can’t bring myself to get excited about any of these SHOCKING turns of events.
Lindsay and FBI Guy hate-flirt – the same way my third grade crush and I used to – while they examine the details of the Kiss Me Not Killer’s crime scenes. By the way, it’s really hard to tell Tom and FBI guy apart, as they look nearly identical. I guess the casting directors felt the writing on this show was so bad that they needed to cast almost-twins as Lindsay’s two love interests, essentially shouting at us SHE HAS A TYPE. SHE’S CONFLICTED. LOVE IS HARD.
Apparently, the Kiss Me Not Killer’s victims are all young women who he brutally murders and then stitches their lips shut with thick wire. One of the victims is splayed across a meadow, her dead naked body covered with lilac petals and her shimmer eyeshadow artfully applied. Finally, Lesson #1 about being a bad guy! Make your victim look like she belongs in an Estee Lauder ad. Except, you know, dead.
Tom tattles on Lindsay to Jacobi, telling him that Lindsay was threatened by the Kiss Me Not Killer and didn’t tell anyone about it. I still do not understand how anyone is taking Tom seriously with this badge necklace! It looks like something my little cousins picked up at the dollar store! I digress – this new information leads to a showdown between Jacobi and Lindsay in some sort of locked cage warehouse that is apparently a part of their offices. Lindsay goes into her whole tough-girl, women’s lib “I can protect myself!” shtick. Jacobi tears Lindsay a new one, letting her know that she’s putting him at risk, too. Lindsay starts with the waterworks, even though the speech is more asshole than intimidating, and she proves that even the toughest girls are crybabies deep down inside. Yay, stereotypes!
FBI Guy corners Lindsay and accuses her of getting too involved in the Kiss Me Not Killer’s case and using it as a way to escape the pressure of her dissolving marriage with Tom. Lindsay counters by showing FBI Guy up to the attic of her apartment, where the walls are covered with pictures of victims, newspaper clippings, and photocopies of the evidence. Wow, Linds, great work. I haven’t seen a shrine this decked out since my best friend spent 1998 devoting her life and her bedroom to the Backstreet Boys. Lesson #3 of being a good guy? Embrace your inner teenager.
District Attorney Jill shows up and she looks a lot like an older version of pop singer Pink, but still just as butch. She tells Tom and Jacobi that Severed-Head’s ex-wife, Mia, had been saving for retirement with a guy named Dylan Carter. Tom and Jacobi go to Dylan Carter’s house and guess who answers the door? Surprise! It’s Mia! But wait, didn’t Mia jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? Nope, she’s just a bigamist who faked her own death but is still cool to live her life as her other alias, Dylan.
The detectives put very little heat on Mia/Dylan before she cracks and readily confesses every minute detail to her charade. But why two lives? Well, she met Severed-Head at a gallery opening and thought he was cute. So then she just made up a whole separate identity and decided to marry him. Totally normal! Dylan/Mia gives us another bad guy tip about the ease of maintaining two identities: “I just had two cell phones and two sets of IDs.” So, if I wanted to be a bad guy, all I’d need would be a little help from Verizon and a graphic design major from the community college down the road. Additionally, this story has absolutely zero to do with furthering the plotline, and there’s really no reason to have it included in the episode.
The whole gang meets up at a warehouse leased by one of Colonel Mustard’s top cronies. They bust it open and what do they find? A showroom full of old, expensive cars. Because Colonel Mustard’s a genius, the grill of one of the cars still has clearly visible remains of Severed-Head’s skin, blood, hair, and clothes. The bad guy lesson to take away here? Don’t destroy the evidence, that’s for losers! Boys and girls, we’ve solved the crime… it was Colonel Mustard, with the Ford Pickup, in the alley!
Quick, off to Victor’s Fine Wines to confront our killer! Amid enough flashing lights to make the strip mall of the parking lot look like a disco, I get my last good guy lesson as Jacobi, Tom, and Lindsay creep up outside the store. And lucky me, it’s another fashion tip! The three detectives have their bulletproof vests fastened over their street clothes. Now, since I admittedly don’t watch crime dramas, maybe this is the norm, but it still looks really goofy to me. I’m tickled when I notice that Tom’s badge is pinned proudly to the outside of his bulletproof vest. We get it Tom! We know you work for the San Francisco PD! Now take off that silly-ass badge!
In this fairly anti-climatic showdown, a few shots are fired but no one gets hurt and Lindsay manages to sneak up on the Colonel from behind. Aw shucks, game over for Colonel Mustard! “How did you know?”he asks, seeming almost bored as the detectives cuff him.
Lindsay explains how her team managed to get a bottle of one of his most expensive wines, which they had tested to determine that it was a fake. The Colonel had been running a whole counterfeiting ring behind his partner Severed-Head’s back. Severed-Head obviously discovered his secret, which led Colonel Mustard to go all monster truck rally on his ass. Keeping with the “just admit everything” rule that Dylan/Mia taught us, Colonel Mustard nonchalantly confirms his story, saying, “It’s no difference to most people what’s in a bottle, as long as the label is right.” Looks like Colonel Mustard is a fan of Two Buck Chuck after all!
With the mystery solved, everyone heads back to the office to hang, despite the fact that the arrest clearly happened in the middle of the night. FBI Guy and Linds have a heart to heart where Lindsay confides that she wanted her marriage to be a fairytale. Lindsay has her “Eureka!” moment where she figures out that all of the Kiss Me Not Killer’s crime scenes are staged based on old fairytales. How this brings them any closer to finding the serial killer is beyond me. All of the girls then have a rah-rah moment when Lindsay confides that the Kiss Me Not Killer may be targeting her as the next victim. They all vow to protect Lindsay, Lindsay tears up again… the whole scene screams Sisterhood! Solidarity! Thankfully, they stop short of putting their hands together in the middle of the circle and chanting, “All for one, and one for all!”
And there you have it. I survived my first episode of a crime drama. So maybe I didn’t learn any fancier words for “good guy” and “bad guy.” Then again, I’m really not that surprised about that considering the title of this show suggests that the central characters are either female murders or murders of either gender who specialize in murdering women. That’s been bugging me the whole episode. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.