flipit
08-11-2008, 05:15 AM
****Thanks for checking out this Fall's Auditiongasm! Please vote and leave your critiques. WE LISTEN! Remember that you are not voting for what show you want to see recapped, but for the best writing! If you want to audition, send me an email at Flipit75@gmail.com. Thanks guys, and good luck recappers!
Welcome to Bridezillas, the show that never fails to prove that you should always hire a wedding planner.
We open with the credits which this year, have become both animated and lyric-less. Tres disappointing. I miss the cheesy rhymes like “she’s breathing fire! Bridezilla! Nothing will satisfy her!” as the bride and her bridesmaids dance around, destroying hors d’oeuvres and beheading crystal swans. It was honestly just too precious.
They introduce us to Brandy and Mark, who met 7 years ago in a club. They show us some clips of what may have gone down that fateful night, with Brandy and Mark doing a few ghetto fabulous dance moves. This is pure class, let me just say. At this point I actually am not positive that Brandy isn’t really in drag—a little less Brandy and a little more Man-dy. And I’m not just saying that because of her stubble.
In any case, Man-dy is a very lucky fellow because they are getting married at some ritzy joint in Dallas on the 48th floor. Mark says he has no idea how they “qualified” for such a jazzy place, but that it’s a “blessing.” “It’s a “hook up,” Man-dy qualifies. LOL, Man-dy, cause you’re keepin’ it real. She says she’s going to have to mix “high class taste with a Walmart budget.” Which is seriously my new favorite wedding theme. We are treated to some fabulous clips of things we may have missed while Man-dy’s gathers the various accoutrements for her “classy taste, walmart budget” theme. For example, she requests a groom’s cake shaped like a vagina. My personal favorite of these clips is of Man-dy getting drunk off her ass at a wine tasting, and then asking which type the sommelier recommends with fried chicken. Um, the kind that comes in the box, Man-dy. No, seriously.
We then get the treat of watching Man-dy at the spa, getting a pedicure. She’s got her hair up in a shower cap and I’m even further convinced that she could have played both bride and groom in this wedding. She’s on the phone, asking Mark if he will bring her some chicken. She calls the spa “ellagunt, like, the kind of place you can’t even talk in.” However, it IS the kind of place where it is completely appropriate, if not encouraged, to order some Popeye’s takeout. When Mark shows up, Man-dy gets upset because “I didn’t know you was going to bring a whole big box in, that’s GHETTO.” Right, Man-dy, the box is ghetto. As opposed to ordering your fiancé to bring you fried chicken and stuffing your face with it during an expensive pedicure. And pronouncing everything ending in “er” as if you’ve just come off the shoot of a Nelly video. She demonstrates even more class when she requests an unused fake nail from the manicurist to pry some chicken out from between her teeth. Clearly, she’s too classy for her toothpick.
Now we are introduced to Kristen, 26, from Florida. Her fiance Tim works in a “garage door warehouse,” and is 24. They met in high school. Tim says, “she was wild over me, and she had a car. So I was excited,” which is clearly the basis of a stable, loving relationship. Apparently after the first year and a half of dating, they broke up because of Kristen’s mom, who threatened to disown her. Now, I’m not one to begrudge a person from being with whom they want, regardless of parental interference, but do this when you are an adult. And unless your parents are mortal enemies in a war torn country, or just generally insane, they’re probably out for your best interest. And telling you to break up with the guy who only dated you because you had a car to drive his broke ass around is probably not the worst parenting move ever. So seriously lady, listen to your mother.
And yet, three years later, and they get back together and decide to get pregnant on purpose and “tell everyone it was an accident.” And I must say, telling everyone you’re pregnant “by accident” is a lot less cute when you’re 23 and are pregnant by your 21 year old garage-door lugging, freeloading ex boyfriend, and you aren’t a fictional character named after the capital city of Alaska. So these two Mensa members now have a 3 year old daughter who also thinks they’re giant losers along with Kristen’s mother.
They spend a good amount of time complaining about Kristen’s mother, whom she dubs “Momzilla.” Tim claims that he is afraid Kristen will turn into her mother, and as far as I can see, a mom who threatens you with life and limb rather than let you date a jerk when you were too young to be responsible for your stupidity (see: pregnant on purpose but lied about it at age 23) isn’t the worst person in the world to be. But if Kristen really doesn’t want to take any pages from her mother’s parenting book... just got a mental image of Kristen’s adorable daughter at age 13, pregnant belly protruding from a too-small top that says “Future Beerpong Champ,” puffing on a cigarette and telling Kristen that it’s just too bad because she LOVES him and she’s going to marry him, just as soon as their age difference isn’t illegal. Sigh. Well, Kristen, at least you didn’t turn into your mother.
Kristen tells us her wedding theme is “modern victorian glam,” and while I kind of understand what she’s saying, I’m already irked by this. As someone who has extensively studied the various time periods, I would have to point out the “Modern” and “Victorian” are really two entirely separate things. Really. I know she’s trying to go for a fusion thing, and it’s cute, honestly, but no. No. She claims she will make her hair “Victorian,” and that her dress has “lace, which makes it Victorian,” but it’s not “old-fashioned,” which makes it “Modern.” I really don’t have time to even begin to explain what’s wrong with everything she’s just described, so I’m going to give her a gold star for effort and just hope that she leaves me with plenty of snark-bait come wedding day.
Then get a peek as to why Tim is so afraid of Kristen’s mother while Kristen has a pre-wedding hair appointment. This is a takes-no-prisoners kind of lady. She pretty much makes Kristen’s stylist burst into tears during the hair appointment. She tells her that the style she did is too flat, that she could do it better herself, and that if this is the way Kristen’s hair looks on the wedding day, both would be very disappointed. The stylist tries lamely to explain that Kristen’s hair is quite thin, so she can’t really do the exact style Kristen is envisioning, but Kristen’s mom will have none of that. She claims that the stylist could not defend herself, and she doesn’t like that she had so many excuses. I’m sorry, but if my stylist tells me I can’t have bangs because my Jewfro hair will make them curl up into little Jew-horns, I’m going to listen to her, because it’s her job to know hair. You can’t just bring in a picture of someone with gorgeous, thick, perfect hair and expect those results. At least not without Ken Paves, four hours, and a bunch of those extensions he designed with Jessica Simpson. Leave the poor girl alone, she’s just trying to help alter your expectations so that you won’t keep trying to get Kristen’s hair to do something that isn’t possible. If I were the stylist, i probably would have quit by now, and called all of my friends to tell them not to take her appointments, either.
And, then, oh god, the drama. Her hair doesn’t look bad. Maybe not wedding-y, but it’s just nice and loose and curled and it looks very pretty to me. But Kristen dramatically refuses to step foot outside with such a horrible hair-don’t, and wraps a red dish-towel around her head pirate-style to make the car ride from her mother’s house to her own to wash the curl out of her hair. After all that unnecessary drama, I kind of hope a parrot poops on her face on the way out to her car. Arrrr, matey!
Next we get to visit with Man-dy, whose financial woes (see: Walmart Budget) have driven her to visit Payday Loans. After speaking to a friend who told her the exact documentation she would need to attain a Payday Loan, she decides to barge in empty-handed and accost the clerk. Now, this office must be a classier place than most of us suspect, because the cameras are not allowed to join Man-dy at the counter. They stake out behind a plant and to tell you the truth, half-hidden by massive greenery is a pretty flattering look for Man-dypants.
Cut to Man-dy throwing an apoplectic fit outside because she is refused the loan on the grounds that she does not have the necessary documentation. Her excuses include, “I’m getting married! Do you know what I have in my purse? I don’t got room in my purse for that!” She goes on to list what is in her purse, being sure to cite her birth control pills (although I’m pretty sure her 5 o’clock shadow is one of the surest forms of birth control out there) and her makeup (“I gotta have my makeup!” Yes, Man-dy. So nobody mistakes you for Mark.). She also states that she notices the clerk wasn’t married, so maybe he has “something lacking at home” that’s causing him to treat her unfairly. Oh I feel you girl, I know when I get some, I’m totally and completely willing to break federal laws for complete strangers. It gets me hot for some more.
After the break, we get to take a peek at Kristen’s bridal shower. She claims that this party is “more her mom’s than hers,” and she’s just going along with it. Well if it isn’t her party, why does she do so much crying ‘cause she wants to? The problem is that while Bridezilla Kristen is opening her shower gifts, people leaving to top off drinks. Listen, I’ve been to plenty of bridal showers and let me tell you, you need the liquor to stay amazed at box after box of plates, towels, and other household crap. Seriously, this meltdown is ridiculous. Has this girl never had to sit through one of those? The liquor is the only reason that everyone is still able to wow over that fourth silver place setting. Inviting all your friends to your various showers is the only decent payback for having had to sit through theirs, with the mutual understanding alcohol will be served in massive quantities at any and all wedding-related events.
I was just beginning to tear up at Kristen’s mom’s gift to her, a pair of earrings that are set with the same stones as she wore at her own wedding, but redone in platinum, when the mom tells Kristen that she’ll have to give them back after the wedding. LOL, Kristen’s mom. You just achieved official Momzilla status. What a tease, you heartless bitch.
With the spirit of parties abound, we’re treated to Mark attempting to leave the house before his bachelor party. Man-dy is laying out ground rules such as “look but don’t touch,” only she says “keep the hos to your face.” Um, Man-dy, not sure that’s exactly the advice you want to be giving him. If he puts anything near his face, he’s gonna find out real quick that you’re a fake Fendi, and hightail it outta there on the next Hawaiian Tropic party bus. He’s going to a strip club called “Legs and Chicken,” LOL. All I can say is that I think the new theme of this wedding should be “Chicken and a Walmart Budget,” because I seriously missed the “high class” stop.
And just when you thought “Momzilla” couldn’t be any bigger of a tease, they show us her mother-of-the-bride dress. Kristen’s pissed that her mom bought a dress that’s twice as expensive as her dress, and I don’t blame her. That is seriously uncool behavior on anybody’s part, but especially a member of the wedding party. Trying to upstage a bride is one of those go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect anything type of moves. This mom, between the dress and the earrings, is seriously rubbing me the wrong way at this point. Touche Tim, touche.
Mom comes out in the most ridiculous pink playboy bunny crystal-encrusted number I have ever seen. Seriously, the breasts could fall out and then they might hit the floor. She looks more like the stripper at an extremely disappointing bachelor party for a 60 year old’s third marriage than any mother of the bride that I have ever seen. I don’t care how good you think your body is at that age, there is no need for this strapless, cleavage-spilling, barbie-pink, crystal-encrusted nonsense. You are the mother of the bride. Put on sleeves and put on a grown-up color, Over-the-Hill Barbie.
Continuing to downgrade her theme from Walmart to Church Social, Man-dy decides to pass out a collection plate at her own wedding after a near-meltdown at the cost of the rehearsal dinner. I almost feel bad snarking at this because she’s about to burst into tears at certain points, but at the same time, that’s what happens when you plan an event that you can’t afford. Even if the theme is Walmart. To be fair, Mark isn’t handling things in the most diplomatic way, but if there’s any advice I can give him for the remainder of his married life with Man-dy, it is this: just give her plate of fried chicken and some boxed wine and she’ll forget all about it.
Kristen and Tim are having a ballroom dance lesson for their first dance at the wedding. After the lesson, Kristen’s mom calls freaking out because they’ve been gone to long and actually expect her to babysit, which I suppose is fair since she was against this unholy union and the spawn of it in the first place. Mom’s bitchiness sets Tim on edge, and he starts fighting with Kristen, and tells her he doesn’t want to marry her. Then Kristen goes home and tells her mother what he said about not wanting to get married. And then Tim goes off talking about fuck this and fuck that about not wanting to get married because he’s doing all kinds of crap for her and he’s so sick of it, and mind you this is in front of their 3 year old (again, flashing to the smoking, pregnant 13 year old with a bad attitude and a 35 year old boyfriend). I have to agree that this is really harsh, first of all, and secondly, did Kristen ever go off on you when she was stuck driving your underage, unemployed ass around in high school? Anyway, after this outburst, Kristen is pretty upset. She tells him to just leave, and says this is a really unsettling fight to have because you don’t know what’s going to happen the day of the wedding if he doesn’t say he’s sorry, and that he might not show up.
Something I said before keeps coming back to me...oh yeah, your mom may be a bitch who dresses up like a whore but she’s RIGHT. and she loves you. and she doesn’t want you to marry a bum (even if you already managed to have his child). Run. Far. In the other direction. NOW. Take your mom and your kid. Leave the pink-bunny dress behind.
Ah, the magical morning of Man-dy’s wedding day. She decides that she and Mark should practice dancing LOL. From what we saw in the beginning of the episode, this should be awesome. And they do not disappoint. They’re dancing to some kind of club mix, and oh yes, the rolling and the popping and the old school hip hop moves gone wrong. It’s nothing short of fabulous and if you haven’t seen it, you should seriously try to youtube it. Not even joking.
We get our first glimpse of Brandy in her wedding gown and holy crap, the resemblance to Star Jones Reynolds (not Reynolds?) is uncanny. It’s amazing. Her weave is curled up like a bad nightmare you get after watching too many Julia Roberts movies from the early 90s, but her dress isn’t too terrible. Fitted corset with a full skirt all gathered up in places, the trend that I believe was started with Melania Trump. And Mark is in an all white tux with a white shirt and white tie, LOL. Can’t even begin.
They say their vows and all is well on the 38th floor. They show clips of their amazing, ridiculous first dance and she tells everyone about all the texts she got telling her that the wedding was “tight.” So the final theme here is “Tight Walmart Budget with Lots of Chicken.” Yeah, that seems about right.
So next week, we find out if Tim really goes through with marrying Kristen. Do you think he’ll run screaming in the other direction? Do you think Kristen might finally realize what her mother was trying to tell her? Do you think Kristen’s mother will be cited for indecent exposure at her own daughter’s wedding? And will Kristen’s mother try to teach her granddaughter about the importance of birth control before it’s too late?
(perhaps some of these were answered, but the DVR cut off the “next time, on BRIIIIDE-zillas!” clips, goshdarnit.)
Hope you enjoy!
Welcome to Bridezillas, the show that never fails to prove that you should always hire a wedding planner.
We open with the credits which this year, have become both animated and lyric-less. Tres disappointing. I miss the cheesy rhymes like “she’s breathing fire! Bridezilla! Nothing will satisfy her!” as the bride and her bridesmaids dance around, destroying hors d’oeuvres and beheading crystal swans. It was honestly just too precious.
They introduce us to Brandy and Mark, who met 7 years ago in a club. They show us some clips of what may have gone down that fateful night, with Brandy and Mark doing a few ghetto fabulous dance moves. This is pure class, let me just say. At this point I actually am not positive that Brandy isn’t really in drag—a little less Brandy and a little more Man-dy. And I’m not just saying that because of her stubble.
In any case, Man-dy is a very lucky fellow because they are getting married at some ritzy joint in Dallas on the 48th floor. Mark says he has no idea how they “qualified” for such a jazzy place, but that it’s a “blessing.” “It’s a “hook up,” Man-dy qualifies. LOL, Man-dy, cause you’re keepin’ it real. She says she’s going to have to mix “high class taste with a Walmart budget.” Which is seriously my new favorite wedding theme. We are treated to some fabulous clips of things we may have missed while Man-dy’s gathers the various accoutrements for her “classy taste, walmart budget” theme. For example, she requests a groom’s cake shaped like a vagina. My personal favorite of these clips is of Man-dy getting drunk off her ass at a wine tasting, and then asking which type the sommelier recommends with fried chicken. Um, the kind that comes in the box, Man-dy. No, seriously.
We then get the treat of watching Man-dy at the spa, getting a pedicure. She’s got her hair up in a shower cap and I’m even further convinced that she could have played both bride and groom in this wedding. She’s on the phone, asking Mark if he will bring her some chicken. She calls the spa “ellagunt, like, the kind of place you can’t even talk in.” However, it IS the kind of place where it is completely appropriate, if not encouraged, to order some Popeye’s takeout. When Mark shows up, Man-dy gets upset because “I didn’t know you was going to bring a whole big box in, that’s GHETTO.” Right, Man-dy, the box is ghetto. As opposed to ordering your fiancé to bring you fried chicken and stuffing your face with it during an expensive pedicure. And pronouncing everything ending in “er” as if you’ve just come off the shoot of a Nelly video. She demonstrates even more class when she requests an unused fake nail from the manicurist to pry some chicken out from between her teeth. Clearly, she’s too classy for her toothpick.
Now we are introduced to Kristen, 26, from Florida. Her fiance Tim works in a “garage door warehouse,” and is 24. They met in high school. Tim says, “she was wild over me, and she had a car. So I was excited,” which is clearly the basis of a stable, loving relationship. Apparently after the first year and a half of dating, they broke up because of Kristen’s mom, who threatened to disown her. Now, I’m not one to begrudge a person from being with whom they want, regardless of parental interference, but do this when you are an adult. And unless your parents are mortal enemies in a war torn country, or just generally insane, they’re probably out for your best interest. And telling you to break up with the guy who only dated you because you had a car to drive his broke ass around is probably not the worst parenting move ever. So seriously lady, listen to your mother.
And yet, three years later, and they get back together and decide to get pregnant on purpose and “tell everyone it was an accident.” And I must say, telling everyone you’re pregnant “by accident” is a lot less cute when you’re 23 and are pregnant by your 21 year old garage-door lugging, freeloading ex boyfriend, and you aren’t a fictional character named after the capital city of Alaska. So these two Mensa members now have a 3 year old daughter who also thinks they’re giant losers along with Kristen’s mother.
They spend a good amount of time complaining about Kristen’s mother, whom she dubs “Momzilla.” Tim claims that he is afraid Kristen will turn into her mother, and as far as I can see, a mom who threatens you with life and limb rather than let you date a jerk when you were too young to be responsible for your stupidity (see: pregnant on purpose but lied about it at age 23) isn’t the worst person in the world to be. But if Kristen really doesn’t want to take any pages from her mother’s parenting book... just got a mental image of Kristen’s adorable daughter at age 13, pregnant belly protruding from a too-small top that says “Future Beerpong Champ,” puffing on a cigarette and telling Kristen that it’s just too bad because she LOVES him and she’s going to marry him, just as soon as their age difference isn’t illegal. Sigh. Well, Kristen, at least you didn’t turn into your mother.
Kristen tells us her wedding theme is “modern victorian glam,” and while I kind of understand what she’s saying, I’m already irked by this. As someone who has extensively studied the various time periods, I would have to point out the “Modern” and “Victorian” are really two entirely separate things. Really. I know she’s trying to go for a fusion thing, and it’s cute, honestly, but no. No. She claims she will make her hair “Victorian,” and that her dress has “lace, which makes it Victorian,” but it’s not “old-fashioned,” which makes it “Modern.” I really don’t have time to even begin to explain what’s wrong with everything she’s just described, so I’m going to give her a gold star for effort and just hope that she leaves me with plenty of snark-bait come wedding day.
Then get a peek as to why Tim is so afraid of Kristen’s mother while Kristen has a pre-wedding hair appointment. This is a takes-no-prisoners kind of lady. She pretty much makes Kristen’s stylist burst into tears during the hair appointment. She tells her that the style she did is too flat, that she could do it better herself, and that if this is the way Kristen’s hair looks on the wedding day, both would be very disappointed. The stylist tries lamely to explain that Kristen’s hair is quite thin, so she can’t really do the exact style Kristen is envisioning, but Kristen’s mom will have none of that. She claims that the stylist could not defend herself, and she doesn’t like that she had so many excuses. I’m sorry, but if my stylist tells me I can’t have bangs because my Jewfro hair will make them curl up into little Jew-horns, I’m going to listen to her, because it’s her job to know hair. You can’t just bring in a picture of someone with gorgeous, thick, perfect hair and expect those results. At least not without Ken Paves, four hours, and a bunch of those extensions he designed with Jessica Simpson. Leave the poor girl alone, she’s just trying to help alter your expectations so that you won’t keep trying to get Kristen’s hair to do something that isn’t possible. If I were the stylist, i probably would have quit by now, and called all of my friends to tell them not to take her appointments, either.
And, then, oh god, the drama. Her hair doesn’t look bad. Maybe not wedding-y, but it’s just nice and loose and curled and it looks very pretty to me. But Kristen dramatically refuses to step foot outside with such a horrible hair-don’t, and wraps a red dish-towel around her head pirate-style to make the car ride from her mother’s house to her own to wash the curl out of her hair. After all that unnecessary drama, I kind of hope a parrot poops on her face on the way out to her car. Arrrr, matey!
Next we get to visit with Man-dy, whose financial woes (see: Walmart Budget) have driven her to visit Payday Loans. After speaking to a friend who told her the exact documentation she would need to attain a Payday Loan, she decides to barge in empty-handed and accost the clerk. Now, this office must be a classier place than most of us suspect, because the cameras are not allowed to join Man-dy at the counter. They stake out behind a plant and to tell you the truth, half-hidden by massive greenery is a pretty flattering look for Man-dypants.
Cut to Man-dy throwing an apoplectic fit outside because she is refused the loan on the grounds that she does not have the necessary documentation. Her excuses include, “I’m getting married! Do you know what I have in my purse? I don’t got room in my purse for that!” She goes on to list what is in her purse, being sure to cite her birth control pills (although I’m pretty sure her 5 o’clock shadow is one of the surest forms of birth control out there) and her makeup (“I gotta have my makeup!” Yes, Man-dy. So nobody mistakes you for Mark.). She also states that she notices the clerk wasn’t married, so maybe he has “something lacking at home” that’s causing him to treat her unfairly. Oh I feel you girl, I know when I get some, I’m totally and completely willing to break federal laws for complete strangers. It gets me hot for some more.
After the break, we get to take a peek at Kristen’s bridal shower. She claims that this party is “more her mom’s than hers,” and she’s just going along with it. Well if it isn’t her party, why does she do so much crying ‘cause she wants to? The problem is that while Bridezilla Kristen is opening her shower gifts, people leaving to top off drinks. Listen, I’ve been to plenty of bridal showers and let me tell you, you need the liquor to stay amazed at box after box of plates, towels, and other household crap. Seriously, this meltdown is ridiculous. Has this girl never had to sit through one of those? The liquor is the only reason that everyone is still able to wow over that fourth silver place setting. Inviting all your friends to your various showers is the only decent payback for having had to sit through theirs, with the mutual understanding alcohol will be served in massive quantities at any and all wedding-related events.
I was just beginning to tear up at Kristen’s mom’s gift to her, a pair of earrings that are set with the same stones as she wore at her own wedding, but redone in platinum, when the mom tells Kristen that she’ll have to give them back after the wedding. LOL, Kristen’s mom. You just achieved official Momzilla status. What a tease, you heartless bitch.
With the spirit of parties abound, we’re treated to Mark attempting to leave the house before his bachelor party. Man-dy is laying out ground rules such as “look but don’t touch,” only she says “keep the hos to your face.” Um, Man-dy, not sure that’s exactly the advice you want to be giving him. If he puts anything near his face, he’s gonna find out real quick that you’re a fake Fendi, and hightail it outta there on the next Hawaiian Tropic party bus. He’s going to a strip club called “Legs and Chicken,” LOL. All I can say is that I think the new theme of this wedding should be “Chicken and a Walmart Budget,” because I seriously missed the “high class” stop.
And just when you thought “Momzilla” couldn’t be any bigger of a tease, they show us her mother-of-the-bride dress. Kristen’s pissed that her mom bought a dress that’s twice as expensive as her dress, and I don’t blame her. That is seriously uncool behavior on anybody’s part, but especially a member of the wedding party. Trying to upstage a bride is one of those go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect anything type of moves. This mom, between the dress and the earrings, is seriously rubbing me the wrong way at this point. Touche Tim, touche.
Mom comes out in the most ridiculous pink playboy bunny crystal-encrusted number I have ever seen. Seriously, the breasts could fall out and then they might hit the floor. She looks more like the stripper at an extremely disappointing bachelor party for a 60 year old’s third marriage than any mother of the bride that I have ever seen. I don’t care how good you think your body is at that age, there is no need for this strapless, cleavage-spilling, barbie-pink, crystal-encrusted nonsense. You are the mother of the bride. Put on sleeves and put on a grown-up color, Over-the-Hill Barbie.
Continuing to downgrade her theme from Walmart to Church Social, Man-dy decides to pass out a collection plate at her own wedding after a near-meltdown at the cost of the rehearsal dinner. I almost feel bad snarking at this because she’s about to burst into tears at certain points, but at the same time, that’s what happens when you plan an event that you can’t afford. Even if the theme is Walmart. To be fair, Mark isn’t handling things in the most diplomatic way, but if there’s any advice I can give him for the remainder of his married life with Man-dy, it is this: just give her plate of fried chicken and some boxed wine and she’ll forget all about it.
Kristen and Tim are having a ballroom dance lesson for their first dance at the wedding. After the lesson, Kristen’s mom calls freaking out because they’ve been gone to long and actually expect her to babysit, which I suppose is fair since she was against this unholy union and the spawn of it in the first place. Mom’s bitchiness sets Tim on edge, and he starts fighting with Kristen, and tells her he doesn’t want to marry her. Then Kristen goes home and tells her mother what he said about not wanting to get married. And then Tim goes off talking about fuck this and fuck that about not wanting to get married because he’s doing all kinds of crap for her and he’s so sick of it, and mind you this is in front of their 3 year old (again, flashing to the smoking, pregnant 13 year old with a bad attitude and a 35 year old boyfriend). I have to agree that this is really harsh, first of all, and secondly, did Kristen ever go off on you when she was stuck driving your underage, unemployed ass around in high school? Anyway, after this outburst, Kristen is pretty upset. She tells him to just leave, and says this is a really unsettling fight to have because you don’t know what’s going to happen the day of the wedding if he doesn’t say he’s sorry, and that he might not show up.
Something I said before keeps coming back to me...oh yeah, your mom may be a bitch who dresses up like a whore but she’s RIGHT. and she loves you. and she doesn’t want you to marry a bum (even if you already managed to have his child). Run. Far. In the other direction. NOW. Take your mom and your kid. Leave the pink-bunny dress behind.
Ah, the magical morning of Man-dy’s wedding day. She decides that she and Mark should practice dancing LOL. From what we saw in the beginning of the episode, this should be awesome. And they do not disappoint. They’re dancing to some kind of club mix, and oh yes, the rolling and the popping and the old school hip hop moves gone wrong. It’s nothing short of fabulous and if you haven’t seen it, you should seriously try to youtube it. Not even joking.
We get our first glimpse of Brandy in her wedding gown and holy crap, the resemblance to Star Jones Reynolds (not Reynolds?) is uncanny. It’s amazing. Her weave is curled up like a bad nightmare you get after watching too many Julia Roberts movies from the early 90s, but her dress isn’t too terrible. Fitted corset with a full skirt all gathered up in places, the trend that I believe was started with Melania Trump. And Mark is in an all white tux with a white shirt and white tie, LOL. Can’t even begin.
They say their vows and all is well on the 38th floor. They show clips of their amazing, ridiculous first dance and she tells everyone about all the texts she got telling her that the wedding was “tight.” So the final theme here is “Tight Walmart Budget with Lots of Chicken.” Yeah, that seems about right.
So next week, we find out if Tim really goes through with marrying Kristen. Do you think he’ll run screaming in the other direction? Do you think Kristen might finally realize what her mother was trying to tell her? Do you think Kristen’s mother will be cited for indecent exposure at her own daughter’s wedding? And will Kristen’s mother try to teach her granddaughter about the importance of birth control before it’s too late?
(perhaps some of these were answered, but the DVR cut off the “next time, on BRIIIIDE-zillas!” clips, goshdarnit.)
Hope you enjoy!