flipit
08-14-2008, 12:33 AM
****Thanks for checking out this Fall's Auditiongasm! Please vote and leave your critiques. WE LISTEN! Remember that you are not voting for what show you want to see recapped, but for the best writing! If you want to audition, send me an email at Flipit75@gmail.com. Thanks guys, and good luck recappers!
Brooke Knows Best: Gramps Gone Wild Spring Break Edition
Hey gasmii! Welcome to Brooke Knows Best, VH1’s latest attempt at taking people with very little talent and even less good looks and turning them into “Celebrealities”. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate seeing ugly people achieve fame because very rarely do people on television make me feel hot and good about myself, so thanks, VH1!
Anyways, back to Brooke Knows Best. I have to say I wasn’t an avid viewer of Hogan Knows Best, although I did watch the very first episode because at the time they lived in my home town and a guy I went to high school with was Brooke’s first date. I promise you, he was far more douchier in real life than he ever looked on Hogan Know’s Best, shocking I know.
The show opens with a girl power “I can do anything, nothing’s in my way” type song. We see Brooke taking full advantage of this new empowerment in the opening credits as we find out these things she can now do include, talking on the phone, dancing through crowds of people at her apartment and getting tattoos. Much more positive and uplifting then the things she can’t do, like not looking like a tranny, preventing her mother from being a crazy cougar, springing her bro from the clink, or escaping from her creepy dad’s hands on her ass.
Brooke has left the confines of the Hulk’s basement—I mean house—and is now living in what can only be described as the sweetest pad ever. Who knew there was so much money in crappy “music” and exploiting your family! This place is ridiculous—3 room penthouse on South Beach complete with a hot-tub with room for 12 other fame whores. Our heroine is the in the middle of another taxing day of figuring out what stripper heels go best with her new assless chaps when she gets a phone call, from who else? Hulk! We learn that Brooke has been asked to make appearances at Spring Break parties in the capital of class, Panama City, Florida.
Hulk is concerned that Brooke is going where all the crazy stuff happens. I’m more concerned that Brooke is leaving her palace in Miami Beach for the trashtastic strip that is Panama City Beach (or PCB, for the truly trashy). I know she’s a rookie at the spring break stuff, but come on, Panama City? I’d plan on double bagging it, Brooke. Hulk decides that what better to spend some time with his giantess princess but to join her in spring break! Gigantor should feel lucky that the Hulkster found time in his busy schedule of hosting American Gladiators and publicly fighting with his ex-cougar to fit her in. Plus Hulk’s new girlfriend is going to be in Panama City with her sorority so really, two birds...one Hulk.
Brooke apprehensively makes her way to the living room to tell her roommates about the change of plans. She finds her roommates, token gay Glen and tag along Ashley discussing an exit strategy for the war in Iraq. Kidding, Glen is lounging on the couch as Ashley sits aimlessly in the kitchen. Brooke tells her motivated buddies that there has been a change of plans while sitting down in thoroughly unfortunate white pants. (Side note, isn’t the whole point of a token gay friend to help dress you? Makes me wonder if perhaps he actually thinks Brooke is a tranny? Or has given up on her altogether? Or maybe her sheer size alone keeps his mouth shut out of fear she will crush him with one Lucite heel)
Token gay Glen-from here on out known as TGG- whines “But what about the boys? What about the parties?” What about the fact that both of your parents are like a moth to a flame when it comes to underage kids? Spring Break could get ugly. Always daddy’s little girl (and I use both “little” and “girl” metaphorically), Brooke says that she can’t tell him no but the good news is he is going to bring a friend! Great, so it’s not just one geriatric former wrestler set loose on unsuspected fame whore drunkards, but TWO! HUZZAH!
TGG and TAA are worried-and rightly so- that Hulk’s friends aren’t normal and will stand out so much. How quickly they forget they are hanging out with a giantess and a camera crew-subtlety is obviously their middle name.
One Week Later...
Side note, does it seem weird that Brooke told her dad a week before that she had to start packing for her spring break adventure? I guess f-me heels and cone bras aren’t going to pack themselves.
VH1 treats us to a montage of Panama City’s finest celebrating Spring Break. But you can tell this part is highly edited because it wouldn’t be real spring break in Panama City until you see a group of losers in wife beaters with bandages covering their freshly-inked tribal tattoos walking or driving down the strip. Brooke and her entourage pull up to their hotel to a “crowd” of college kids with the reality show underage staple, the plastic cup, and Brooke exclaims “oh my God they are crazy!!” Apparently she has never seen a Dixie cup. Ok, I’m going to cut her some slack because this, as she continues to remind us, is her first spring break. But VH1 couldn’t have found a smaller group of Panama City nerds to have filmed right before she said this. These kids looked like the people who had really cool cars so they got invited to drive, but then their friends “mysteriously” lost them.
The scene then cuts to a Where are they now-Child stars episode and we see Corky! From Life Goes on! Time has not done him well. Oh wait, apparently we are seeing Hulk’s choice for a spring break wingman, Uncle Knobbs. Unkie Knobbs gives the Hulkster a run for his money in the style department, sporting a bleach blonde mullet with a t-shirt tucked into always-fashionable z-cavarichi sweat pants. What, no Hypercolor t-shirt? All of a sudden, Brooke’s white pants are looking like Chanel. Bad ass rock music plays while Hulk and Knobbs stroll up to what is obviously a bad ass ride. You see glimpses of a red sports car as the music escalates to reveal………….a Mustang convertible. Either the divorce is costing Hulk more then he’d like to admit or VH1 has discovered the benefits of product placement.
So the two bleached blonde grandpas hit the strip in full-on douche mode, shouting “Spring Break ‘08’ constantly. 10 bucks says that these are the same guys who shout “Vegas Baby” at least 10 times on the flight to Vegas. You know what’s funny about that guy? That’s the same guy who I slip a bottle of Jack and a pocket knife into his carry on before he goes through security. Weird. Vegas, Baby! Then, apparently unable to think of any other clichés, the scene ends with a butt dance and a Night at the Roxbury head bob.
We cut to a fully-clothed Brooke lying at the pool with her entourage and they are reunited with Hulk and Unkie Knobbs. Knobbs is now hiding his mullet under a bamboo hat as he shouts “Hey Brooke, Uncle Knobbs is here!” The crowd goes wild at the fact that they no longer fear being the ugliest person at the pool. Knobbs then begins to do things that make me wonder how badly his brain got battered in the wrestling arena. He screams and pours beer all over himself. This could be Knobbs’ first spring break too.
Back at the hotel room, Brooke gets ready for a night out by digging through the Rock of Love reject pile and selecting a banana yellow stripper ensemble. Her entourage tells her she looks awesome, proving that lying is a part of their contract and they will do anything for 5 minutes of camera time. Come on you filthy liars--you can see her zebra underwear under her dress. TGG, why are you even there? Shame on you.
We find out that they are judging a Hot Body Contest. Brooke nonchalantly says that it’s one of her appearances, like she doesn’t even want to go. Never mind that her publicist had to blow half of Panama City to get Brooke these gigs. TGG is very excited about the Hot Body Contest, and says he’s giving 10’s, 10’s, 10’s! TAA says, only if they’re Hard Hard Hard and TGG’s head explodes.
The next scene takes us to Panama City staple, Club La Vela. I have a feeling that Joe Francis has his own parking spot here. We cut to what are obviously extras talking to Brooke and Ashley and guess who shows up? Hulk and Knobbs! Hulk relieves the extras with an “AMSCRAY” as Knobbs slaps one of them in the back leaving a hand print which he finds hilarious. That knock on your door is a lawsuit, don’t answer it Knobbs! Seriously, these guys antics are as old as Knobbs’ Z Cavarichis. Brooke is worried that the ambiguously old duo is going to scare away all the guys, but I’m guessing she’ll do that all on her own.
When the contest begins we are treated to a runway of douchebags pulling out every trick, from mowing the lawn to just straight up flexing. One even pulls up his shorts and drops it like it’s hot. Our runway models try to impress Princess Fiona by doing Hulk Hogan impersonations. Because what else do you want to see half naked guys do besides pretend to be your father? Oh right, ANYTHING.
Knobbs almost loses his mullet over the impersonations. He can’t believe that 120 pound nerds dare to impersonate Hulk! Can’t they smell what The—oh wait, wrong wrestler. This prompts Hulk to enter the Hard Body contest himself. Ok, I understand that this is for TV entertainment, but the idea of judging my dad in a HBC might be a more repulsive thought than seeing Knobbs take his shirt off. I hope Brooke doesn’t blow all of her spring break earnings on stripper heels and tranny clothes, this chick has some serious therapy bills in her future.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, Knobbs comes out to participate. Knobbs’ performance started out innocent enough, as he banged beer cans on his head as if to justify what he was about to do, but then he began to do a weird combination of a fat rockette kick combined with a Zoolander face and the Chunk Truffle Shuffle. And a new celebreality star is born. I see “Knobbs Knows Best” in the near future, or perhaps a guest stint on America’s Best Dance Crew. But I feel like Celebrity Rehab may be slightly more accurate. Knobbs of course wins the hard body contest, thus proving that Hollywood celebrates morons. As if VH1 can read my thoughts, we go into a commercial break and see a spot for New York Goes to Hollywood. Apparently, America loves talentless trannies too. Yay, diversity!
We are then treated to Brooke’s next important appearance. By the way, since when did tag-alongs get to make appearances? This appearance takes us to Hammerhead Fred’s for another spring break staple, a foam party, also known as a “who’s hand is on my..” party. And now Brooke is wearing a weird black sheer muumuu type outfit. TGG take off your sunglasses at night and help this lost soul! As Brooke enters someone is throwing dollar bills at her, and Linda Hogan watches from home furious that she missed another payday.
As the party starts and the foam begins to pour, we find that Hulk is looking for Brooke. Seriously, this guy is one overbearing step away from making her a child harness. Luckily it doesn’t take them too long to find her, since she told them where she was and there is a large sign outside saying she is there. Hulk makes his way in claiming he thought “foam party” meant “free beer”. And he thinks “free beer” means “a chance to drunkenly grope my daughter who also looks like my girlfriend, take that Linda.” Brooke, who can’t act like a complete whore in front of her dad finally gets rid of him with a, “This is my first spring break” line...again. Hulk leaves allowing Brooke to really let loose. First she does a few stripper moves, then she sprays chocolate on the crowd and makes out with some guy on stage. This girl is CRAZY.
Team Fun leaves the bar unable to believe how crazy that party was, finally feeling like they experienced Spring Break. They then go on to make fun of Brooke for making out with a nerd. Didn’t she date Aaron Carter? Spring Break nerd is obviously a step up. This night of utter PG debauchery comes at a high cost though. The team is enslaved to the grandpas the next day in return for their un-chaperoned evening.
The next day begins as Hulk in red panties—seriously, therapy bills-- and Knobbs wake everyone up for a day o’ fun, which we find out takes place at the world’s largest maze! Will the crazy antics never end? They decide to split up and race through the maze which leads us to clips of both teams looking utterly lost. Who would’ve thunk that the Hogans would have trouble with something that requires logic? Watching them run through this maze reminds me of watching Brooke Knows Best, it feels endless and even though the other team is half brain-dead., you still feel like the loser. Wouldn’t it be great if Hulk and Knobbs just began throwing each other into the maze walls WWE style. You know they want too.
Bored with the maze, Hulk and Knobbs decide to fake completing the maze and cheat. I’m thinking this is not their first time faking it to win. They win the competition but are instantly busted because they got a little tore up while sneaking under the maze. TGG, thoroughly disappointed that Hulk and Knobbs are the only ones getting on their knees this spring break, gives the L for Loser and walks away. I really feel like he is talking directly to me for still watching.
With victory on their side, the crew gets some alone time and head to the beach. As they sit and discuss the grandpas gone wild, we watch Hulk and Knobbs fly by on a banana boat, Bud Light cans in hand. This is by far the best moment of the episode. A frat boy approaches Brooke, and knowing the best way to increase his screen time is to get near Hulk, encourages her to ride the banana. So Brooke tucks in her wang and they all board the banana together and ride off into the sunset. Then the show ended, and I died a little inside.
Brooke Knows Best: Gramps Gone Wild Spring Break Edition
Hey gasmii! Welcome to Brooke Knows Best, VH1’s latest attempt at taking people with very little talent and even less good looks and turning them into “Celebrealities”. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate seeing ugly people achieve fame because very rarely do people on television make me feel hot and good about myself, so thanks, VH1!
Anyways, back to Brooke Knows Best. I have to say I wasn’t an avid viewer of Hogan Knows Best, although I did watch the very first episode because at the time they lived in my home town and a guy I went to high school with was Brooke’s first date. I promise you, he was far more douchier in real life than he ever looked on Hogan Know’s Best, shocking I know.
The show opens with a girl power “I can do anything, nothing’s in my way” type song. We see Brooke taking full advantage of this new empowerment in the opening credits as we find out these things she can now do include, talking on the phone, dancing through crowds of people at her apartment and getting tattoos. Much more positive and uplifting then the things she can’t do, like not looking like a tranny, preventing her mother from being a crazy cougar, springing her bro from the clink, or escaping from her creepy dad’s hands on her ass.
Brooke has left the confines of the Hulk’s basement—I mean house—and is now living in what can only be described as the sweetest pad ever. Who knew there was so much money in crappy “music” and exploiting your family! This place is ridiculous—3 room penthouse on South Beach complete with a hot-tub with room for 12 other fame whores. Our heroine is the in the middle of another taxing day of figuring out what stripper heels go best with her new assless chaps when she gets a phone call, from who else? Hulk! We learn that Brooke has been asked to make appearances at Spring Break parties in the capital of class, Panama City, Florida.
Hulk is concerned that Brooke is going where all the crazy stuff happens. I’m more concerned that Brooke is leaving her palace in Miami Beach for the trashtastic strip that is Panama City Beach (or PCB, for the truly trashy). I know she’s a rookie at the spring break stuff, but come on, Panama City? I’d plan on double bagging it, Brooke. Hulk decides that what better to spend some time with his giantess princess but to join her in spring break! Gigantor should feel lucky that the Hulkster found time in his busy schedule of hosting American Gladiators and publicly fighting with his ex-cougar to fit her in. Plus Hulk’s new girlfriend is going to be in Panama City with her sorority so really, two birds...one Hulk.
Brooke apprehensively makes her way to the living room to tell her roommates about the change of plans. She finds her roommates, token gay Glen and tag along Ashley discussing an exit strategy for the war in Iraq. Kidding, Glen is lounging on the couch as Ashley sits aimlessly in the kitchen. Brooke tells her motivated buddies that there has been a change of plans while sitting down in thoroughly unfortunate white pants. (Side note, isn’t the whole point of a token gay friend to help dress you? Makes me wonder if perhaps he actually thinks Brooke is a tranny? Or has given up on her altogether? Or maybe her sheer size alone keeps his mouth shut out of fear she will crush him with one Lucite heel)
Token gay Glen-from here on out known as TGG- whines “But what about the boys? What about the parties?” What about the fact that both of your parents are like a moth to a flame when it comes to underage kids? Spring Break could get ugly. Always daddy’s little girl (and I use both “little” and “girl” metaphorically), Brooke says that she can’t tell him no but the good news is he is going to bring a friend! Great, so it’s not just one geriatric former wrestler set loose on unsuspected fame whore drunkards, but TWO! HUZZAH!
TGG and TAA are worried-and rightly so- that Hulk’s friends aren’t normal and will stand out so much. How quickly they forget they are hanging out with a giantess and a camera crew-subtlety is obviously their middle name.
One Week Later...
Side note, does it seem weird that Brooke told her dad a week before that she had to start packing for her spring break adventure? I guess f-me heels and cone bras aren’t going to pack themselves.
VH1 treats us to a montage of Panama City’s finest celebrating Spring Break. But you can tell this part is highly edited because it wouldn’t be real spring break in Panama City until you see a group of losers in wife beaters with bandages covering their freshly-inked tribal tattoos walking or driving down the strip. Brooke and her entourage pull up to their hotel to a “crowd” of college kids with the reality show underage staple, the plastic cup, and Brooke exclaims “oh my God they are crazy!!” Apparently she has never seen a Dixie cup. Ok, I’m going to cut her some slack because this, as she continues to remind us, is her first spring break. But VH1 couldn’t have found a smaller group of Panama City nerds to have filmed right before she said this. These kids looked like the people who had really cool cars so they got invited to drive, but then their friends “mysteriously” lost them.
The scene then cuts to a Where are they now-Child stars episode and we see Corky! From Life Goes on! Time has not done him well. Oh wait, apparently we are seeing Hulk’s choice for a spring break wingman, Uncle Knobbs. Unkie Knobbs gives the Hulkster a run for his money in the style department, sporting a bleach blonde mullet with a t-shirt tucked into always-fashionable z-cavarichi sweat pants. What, no Hypercolor t-shirt? All of a sudden, Brooke’s white pants are looking like Chanel. Bad ass rock music plays while Hulk and Knobbs stroll up to what is obviously a bad ass ride. You see glimpses of a red sports car as the music escalates to reveal………….a Mustang convertible. Either the divorce is costing Hulk more then he’d like to admit or VH1 has discovered the benefits of product placement.
So the two bleached blonde grandpas hit the strip in full-on douche mode, shouting “Spring Break ‘08’ constantly. 10 bucks says that these are the same guys who shout “Vegas Baby” at least 10 times on the flight to Vegas. You know what’s funny about that guy? That’s the same guy who I slip a bottle of Jack and a pocket knife into his carry on before he goes through security. Weird. Vegas, Baby! Then, apparently unable to think of any other clichés, the scene ends with a butt dance and a Night at the Roxbury head bob.
We cut to a fully-clothed Brooke lying at the pool with her entourage and they are reunited with Hulk and Unkie Knobbs. Knobbs is now hiding his mullet under a bamboo hat as he shouts “Hey Brooke, Uncle Knobbs is here!” The crowd goes wild at the fact that they no longer fear being the ugliest person at the pool. Knobbs then begins to do things that make me wonder how badly his brain got battered in the wrestling arena. He screams and pours beer all over himself. This could be Knobbs’ first spring break too.
Back at the hotel room, Brooke gets ready for a night out by digging through the Rock of Love reject pile and selecting a banana yellow stripper ensemble. Her entourage tells her she looks awesome, proving that lying is a part of their contract and they will do anything for 5 minutes of camera time. Come on you filthy liars--you can see her zebra underwear under her dress. TGG, why are you even there? Shame on you.
We find out that they are judging a Hot Body Contest. Brooke nonchalantly says that it’s one of her appearances, like she doesn’t even want to go. Never mind that her publicist had to blow half of Panama City to get Brooke these gigs. TGG is very excited about the Hot Body Contest, and says he’s giving 10’s, 10’s, 10’s! TAA says, only if they’re Hard Hard Hard and TGG’s head explodes.
The next scene takes us to Panama City staple, Club La Vela. I have a feeling that Joe Francis has his own parking spot here. We cut to what are obviously extras talking to Brooke and Ashley and guess who shows up? Hulk and Knobbs! Hulk relieves the extras with an “AMSCRAY” as Knobbs slaps one of them in the back leaving a hand print which he finds hilarious. That knock on your door is a lawsuit, don’t answer it Knobbs! Seriously, these guys antics are as old as Knobbs’ Z Cavarichis. Brooke is worried that the ambiguously old duo is going to scare away all the guys, but I’m guessing she’ll do that all on her own.
When the contest begins we are treated to a runway of douchebags pulling out every trick, from mowing the lawn to just straight up flexing. One even pulls up his shorts and drops it like it’s hot. Our runway models try to impress Princess Fiona by doing Hulk Hogan impersonations. Because what else do you want to see half naked guys do besides pretend to be your father? Oh right, ANYTHING.
Knobbs almost loses his mullet over the impersonations. He can’t believe that 120 pound nerds dare to impersonate Hulk! Can’t they smell what The—oh wait, wrong wrestler. This prompts Hulk to enter the Hard Body contest himself. Ok, I understand that this is for TV entertainment, but the idea of judging my dad in a HBC might be a more repulsive thought than seeing Knobbs take his shirt off. I hope Brooke doesn’t blow all of her spring break earnings on stripper heels and tranny clothes, this chick has some serious therapy bills in her future.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, Knobbs comes out to participate. Knobbs’ performance started out innocent enough, as he banged beer cans on his head as if to justify what he was about to do, but then he began to do a weird combination of a fat rockette kick combined with a Zoolander face and the Chunk Truffle Shuffle. And a new celebreality star is born. I see “Knobbs Knows Best” in the near future, or perhaps a guest stint on America’s Best Dance Crew. But I feel like Celebrity Rehab may be slightly more accurate. Knobbs of course wins the hard body contest, thus proving that Hollywood celebrates morons. As if VH1 can read my thoughts, we go into a commercial break and see a spot for New York Goes to Hollywood. Apparently, America loves talentless trannies too. Yay, diversity!
We are then treated to Brooke’s next important appearance. By the way, since when did tag-alongs get to make appearances? This appearance takes us to Hammerhead Fred’s for another spring break staple, a foam party, also known as a “who’s hand is on my..” party. And now Brooke is wearing a weird black sheer muumuu type outfit. TGG take off your sunglasses at night and help this lost soul! As Brooke enters someone is throwing dollar bills at her, and Linda Hogan watches from home furious that she missed another payday.
As the party starts and the foam begins to pour, we find that Hulk is looking for Brooke. Seriously, this guy is one overbearing step away from making her a child harness. Luckily it doesn’t take them too long to find her, since she told them where she was and there is a large sign outside saying she is there. Hulk makes his way in claiming he thought “foam party” meant “free beer”. And he thinks “free beer” means “a chance to drunkenly grope my daughter who also looks like my girlfriend, take that Linda.” Brooke, who can’t act like a complete whore in front of her dad finally gets rid of him with a, “This is my first spring break” line...again. Hulk leaves allowing Brooke to really let loose. First she does a few stripper moves, then she sprays chocolate on the crowd and makes out with some guy on stage. This girl is CRAZY.
Team Fun leaves the bar unable to believe how crazy that party was, finally feeling like they experienced Spring Break. They then go on to make fun of Brooke for making out with a nerd. Didn’t she date Aaron Carter? Spring Break nerd is obviously a step up. This night of utter PG debauchery comes at a high cost though. The team is enslaved to the grandpas the next day in return for their un-chaperoned evening.
The next day begins as Hulk in red panties—seriously, therapy bills-- and Knobbs wake everyone up for a day o’ fun, which we find out takes place at the world’s largest maze! Will the crazy antics never end? They decide to split up and race through the maze which leads us to clips of both teams looking utterly lost. Who would’ve thunk that the Hogans would have trouble with something that requires logic? Watching them run through this maze reminds me of watching Brooke Knows Best, it feels endless and even though the other team is half brain-dead., you still feel like the loser. Wouldn’t it be great if Hulk and Knobbs just began throwing each other into the maze walls WWE style. You know they want too.
Bored with the maze, Hulk and Knobbs decide to fake completing the maze and cheat. I’m thinking this is not their first time faking it to win. They win the competition but are instantly busted because they got a little tore up while sneaking under the maze. TGG, thoroughly disappointed that Hulk and Knobbs are the only ones getting on their knees this spring break, gives the L for Loser and walks away. I really feel like he is talking directly to me for still watching.
With victory on their side, the crew gets some alone time and head to the beach. As they sit and discuss the grandpas gone wild, we watch Hulk and Knobbs fly by on a banana boat, Bud Light cans in hand. This is by far the best moment of the episode. A frat boy approaches Brooke, and knowing the best way to increase his screen time is to get near Hulk, encourages her to ride the banana. So Brooke tucks in her wang and they all board the banana together and ride off into the sunset. Then the show ended, and I died a little inside.