flipit
12-20-2008, 10:01 AM
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown!
It’s Christmas time again and everyone knows what that means! It’s time for claymation, creepy Santa love stories on Lifetime, and updated Christmas movies about our favorite characters, but with new weird voices. My first assignment for AUDITIONGASM is to recap one of these new, awkwardly voiced shows, “I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown!” I explained my assignment to my roommate (mom), and she was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make people laugh by mocking children, obviously she doesn’t know me or the readers of Tvgasm.
I am about to press play on the VCR, and while the auto-tracking is adjusting (fancy, I know) I suddenly become extremely nervous. What if my recap is the worst thing ever to be posted on TVgasm? What if everyone leaves awful comments about it? What if Flipit, whom I have never met but imagine to be my best friend, thinks, “Why would this girl even try to write?” Then I remember my life. After my roommates decided to become coke whores and my boyfriend cheated on me with his TA, I moved home to my parents house where I am forced to sleep in a trundle attached to my fourteen-year-old sister’s bed. Yes, I have to pull my paper thin mattress out from under her bed. Right now she is listening to Taylor Swift and making fun of me for watching Snoopy. I decide that most people probably think I suck anyway, so I might as well write the recap.
Our show opens with the familiar Snoopy music and then we meet our star, Rerun, riding on the back of his mom’s bike. He’s yelling at her to hurry up, and then watch out for things, while singing Jingle Bells. Well Rerun, maybe it’s difficult to ride a bike fast when you are carrying your lazy children around, but maybe I’m not one who should talk about loser children mooching off their parents. Rerun wants to get his mind off the traumatic bike ride, so he asks to play with Snoopy. Sally, being the little bitch she is, says no, and then makes fun of him for not being able to read.
The next scene is Rerun telling Linus and Lucy that everyone at school thinks Linus is weird for having a blanket and Lucy is a crab. Atleast they aren’t making fun of him and saying his sister has crabs, because believe me, that is more embarrassing. Then they argue about who has the most power in a vote, and what their household jobs should be. Lucy thinks she has the most power because she is the oldest, and tells Rerun she will be his compass in life, but since he can’t read I think it might be difficult to follow in her path of fake psychiatry. It’s kind of hard to listen to what they are saying because they are talking so slowly. Seriously, it sounds like 1st graders are trying to read the lines. Did they always sound like this?
At school some girl in Rerun’s class (possibly special ed?) is whining that she is tired of Kindergarten and he offers to take her to Paris. I think Rerun is trying to get some. I guess the principal thinks the same thing because Rerun gets suspended for harassment. Huh?
After the commercial Rerun writes a letter to Santa saying that he wants a dog, but Lucy tells him he will never get one because their mom doesn’t want him to have one. That’s easy enough to get around though. Just move home from college and cry all the time and let your mom hear the drunken harassing message your old friends are leaving you. Lay in bad for hours and stay pale all summer. Then announce you are going back to school and ask for a dog so you don’t feel so alone. Your mom won’t be able to say no, not that I know this from experience.
Next up is my favorite part of any Peanuts movie, Lucy sexually harassing Schroeder. She lays herself seductively on his piano and asks him if Beethoven had any beautiful girlfriends. He says no, but Lucy doesn’t give up. She asks him about his piano, but everyone knows that’s code for “I want to blow you.” The scene ends and I think we all know what happens when the camera turns off.
Rerun, still talking slightly handicapped, is asking Charlie Brown about Snoopy’s family. And we find out he has a couple of brothers. Obviously Rerun is getting one of these dogs for Christmas, and I am trying to think of something witty to write about it, but I am distracted by an amazing commercial. Up next on ABC is “DRAMA HIGH: The Making of a High School Musical” about a mostly white high school putting on a production of the Wiz. One little tease they give us is a mother telling her daughter she is too fat to play Dorothy. I also caught a glimpse of white kids dancing around in do-rags. If someone gets to recap this for their audition I am so jealous. It looks amazing and I am sad when I realize that I am watching a tape so it won’t be on next.
Anyway, back to Snoopy. Rerun starts coming over everyday to play with Snoopy. We are treated to a montage of their fun times together. The combination Rerun’s slow speech and Snoopy’s odd yelping is making me uncomfortable. I guess Rerun annoys Snoopy as well, because he starts refusing to come out and play with him.
Next we have scenes of Lucy trying to give Schroeder a strip tease and Sally telling Santa what she wants for Christmas. Then it’s more commercials about DRAMA HIGH and I wonder if I can rent this or watch it online. Some guy is telling a girl that she is actually more black than American, I must see this. We return to Lucy and Rerun arguing about the dog idea. Rerun insists he can take care of a dog. Yeah, dogs seem like they are easy to take care of until they eat half a pound of rancid lunch meat out of the garbage and then puke in your bed.
Now Sally is complaining that it is too hard to put mittens on. What sides do your thumbs go on!? Hmm, maybe Sally should join Rerun in Special Ed. Snoopy’s brother Spike, who lives in the desert and has a perv mustache, has written Snoopy a letter. Rerun decides to adopt Spike. He makes a snowman to greet him. I laugh when it melts in the sun, and I feel like a creep for getting joy out of the sadness of fictional children. Spike and his cactus make the journey across country to Rerun. Lucy says he’s “as thin as a promise,” so she fattens him up. Now he looks even more pervy. Rerun’s mom says they can’t have Spike, and no one else will take him.
Well, back to the desert for you Spike. Now it’s time for the Christmas play and Rerun can’t remember his lines. Who gave this kid lines? And what did this Christmas play have to do with Rerun getting a dog? Rerun decides that having a dog is too much trouble. THE END. Really? He doesn’t get the dog? I’m disappointed, mostly because I counted and Lucy only said blockhead once.
YAY! Drama High is starting and it’s TWO HOURS! No! the tape stops! Did anyone watch this?
It’s Christmas time again and everyone knows what that means! It’s time for claymation, creepy Santa love stories on Lifetime, and updated Christmas movies about our favorite characters, but with new weird voices. My first assignment for AUDITIONGASM is to recap one of these new, awkwardly voiced shows, “I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown!” I explained my assignment to my roommate (mom), and she was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make people laugh by mocking children, obviously she doesn’t know me or the readers of Tvgasm.
I am about to press play on the VCR, and while the auto-tracking is adjusting (fancy, I know) I suddenly become extremely nervous. What if my recap is the worst thing ever to be posted on TVgasm? What if everyone leaves awful comments about it? What if Flipit, whom I have never met but imagine to be my best friend, thinks, “Why would this girl even try to write?” Then I remember my life. After my roommates decided to become coke whores and my boyfriend cheated on me with his TA, I moved home to my parents house where I am forced to sleep in a trundle attached to my fourteen-year-old sister’s bed. Yes, I have to pull my paper thin mattress out from under her bed. Right now she is listening to Taylor Swift and making fun of me for watching Snoopy. I decide that most people probably think I suck anyway, so I might as well write the recap.
Our show opens with the familiar Snoopy music and then we meet our star, Rerun, riding on the back of his mom’s bike. He’s yelling at her to hurry up, and then watch out for things, while singing Jingle Bells. Well Rerun, maybe it’s difficult to ride a bike fast when you are carrying your lazy children around, but maybe I’m not one who should talk about loser children mooching off their parents. Rerun wants to get his mind off the traumatic bike ride, so he asks to play with Snoopy. Sally, being the little bitch she is, says no, and then makes fun of him for not being able to read.
The next scene is Rerun telling Linus and Lucy that everyone at school thinks Linus is weird for having a blanket and Lucy is a crab. Atleast they aren’t making fun of him and saying his sister has crabs, because believe me, that is more embarrassing. Then they argue about who has the most power in a vote, and what their household jobs should be. Lucy thinks she has the most power because she is the oldest, and tells Rerun she will be his compass in life, but since he can’t read I think it might be difficult to follow in her path of fake psychiatry. It’s kind of hard to listen to what they are saying because they are talking so slowly. Seriously, it sounds like 1st graders are trying to read the lines. Did they always sound like this?
At school some girl in Rerun’s class (possibly special ed?) is whining that she is tired of Kindergarten and he offers to take her to Paris. I think Rerun is trying to get some. I guess the principal thinks the same thing because Rerun gets suspended for harassment. Huh?
After the commercial Rerun writes a letter to Santa saying that he wants a dog, but Lucy tells him he will never get one because their mom doesn’t want him to have one. That’s easy enough to get around though. Just move home from college and cry all the time and let your mom hear the drunken harassing message your old friends are leaving you. Lay in bad for hours and stay pale all summer. Then announce you are going back to school and ask for a dog so you don’t feel so alone. Your mom won’t be able to say no, not that I know this from experience.
Next up is my favorite part of any Peanuts movie, Lucy sexually harassing Schroeder. She lays herself seductively on his piano and asks him if Beethoven had any beautiful girlfriends. He says no, but Lucy doesn’t give up. She asks him about his piano, but everyone knows that’s code for “I want to blow you.” The scene ends and I think we all know what happens when the camera turns off.
Rerun, still talking slightly handicapped, is asking Charlie Brown about Snoopy’s family. And we find out he has a couple of brothers. Obviously Rerun is getting one of these dogs for Christmas, and I am trying to think of something witty to write about it, but I am distracted by an amazing commercial. Up next on ABC is “DRAMA HIGH: The Making of a High School Musical” about a mostly white high school putting on a production of the Wiz. One little tease they give us is a mother telling her daughter she is too fat to play Dorothy. I also caught a glimpse of white kids dancing around in do-rags. If someone gets to recap this for their audition I am so jealous. It looks amazing and I am sad when I realize that I am watching a tape so it won’t be on next.
Anyway, back to Snoopy. Rerun starts coming over everyday to play with Snoopy. We are treated to a montage of their fun times together. The combination Rerun’s slow speech and Snoopy’s odd yelping is making me uncomfortable. I guess Rerun annoys Snoopy as well, because he starts refusing to come out and play with him.
Next we have scenes of Lucy trying to give Schroeder a strip tease and Sally telling Santa what she wants for Christmas. Then it’s more commercials about DRAMA HIGH and I wonder if I can rent this or watch it online. Some guy is telling a girl that she is actually more black than American, I must see this. We return to Lucy and Rerun arguing about the dog idea. Rerun insists he can take care of a dog. Yeah, dogs seem like they are easy to take care of until they eat half a pound of rancid lunch meat out of the garbage and then puke in your bed.
Now Sally is complaining that it is too hard to put mittens on. What sides do your thumbs go on!? Hmm, maybe Sally should join Rerun in Special Ed. Snoopy’s brother Spike, who lives in the desert and has a perv mustache, has written Snoopy a letter. Rerun decides to adopt Spike. He makes a snowman to greet him. I laugh when it melts in the sun, and I feel like a creep for getting joy out of the sadness of fictional children. Spike and his cactus make the journey across country to Rerun. Lucy says he’s “as thin as a promise,” so she fattens him up. Now he looks even more pervy. Rerun’s mom says they can’t have Spike, and no one else will take him.
Well, back to the desert for you Spike. Now it’s time for the Christmas play and Rerun can’t remember his lines. Who gave this kid lines? And what did this Christmas play have to do with Rerun getting a dog? Rerun decides that having a dog is too much trouble. THE END. Really? He doesn’t get the dog? I’m disappointed, mostly because I counted and Lucy only said blockhead once.
YAY! Drama High is starting and it’s TWO HOURS! No! the tape stops! Did anyone watch this?