flipit
12-20-2008, 11:06 AM
“I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown”
Greetings TVGASM readers! (I know we are usually referred to as “Gasmii” in these recaps, but I still consider myself a fan/reader and feel I need to earn the right to call my fellow readers Gasmii by winning Auditiongasm!) I’m excited to be participating is this little Snark Off! Flipit says we should “be ourselves as loudly as possible” in these recaps. I’m deaf, so if I get TOO loud, just tap me on the shoulder.
Tis the season for holiday specials ad nauseam! I try to steer clear of all of them, and personally had no idea that “I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown” (or “I, WAD” if you please) existed. I approached my DVR with a glimmer of hope that I was about to discover a new chestnut. Unfortunately, I would describe the viewing of “I, WAD” as more of a kick to the nuts.
The show opens with Vince Guaraldi’s “Linus and Lucy” playing, or so my closed captions tell me. Luckily for you readers, my deafness will prohibit Guaraldi’s jazzy riffs on Christmas standards from swaying my mood. Full snark ahead! Snoopy and a small posse of Woodstock clones are sledding in a dog food dish and crash land in a pine tree. Charlie Brown and Linus happen by and note that “Christmas decorations are getting more lifelike every year”. See where they were going with that one? It’s funny ‘cause the animals are all scattered through the pine tree! They really set the humor bar impossibly high with that one.
Next, we meet our protagonist ReRun, who is Linus and Lucy Van Pelt’s little brother. ReRun is terrified of and bitching about riding on the back of his Mom’s bike. I guess the Van Pelt household doesn’t have access to the internet or Youtube. If ReRun had seen that crazy viral video of a man swinging a baby around, he would probably shut up about riding in a bike seat that must have gone through rigorous safety testing before hitting the market. Somehow, we transition from the bike seat to a strung-out looking ReRun heading to the Brown house. Apparently, a little Puppy Play is all ReRun needs to get straight again. Unfortunately, Snoopy is unavailable. Poor ReRun. Now he wants a dog of his own…hence the brilliant title.
Upon returning from the (arguably more entertaining) commercial break, we find the Van Pelt clan at home. A series of interactions between the siblings ensue. The overriding theme here seems to be “big sisters are sadistic bitches.” I took offense to this, having grown up with two big sisters of my own. I can tell you from personal experience that being burned intentionally with curling irons, smothered with pillows, made to sit on the floor of the car during road trips, and being told I was found on an airplane and adopted were all just different and special ways that my big sisters told me they loved me. And if the two of you happen to be reading this: Mwah! Love Ya Both! Can’t wait to see you next week at Christmas! Please don’t hurt me!
From watching siblings emotionally damage each other, we move on to watching strangers damage each other while cutting and pasting pieces of construction paper: Kindergarten! ReRun tells a little cutie in his class that they should escape to Paris someday since playing with construction paper and blocks is boring. Somehow, this comment gets grossly misinterpreted and ReRun is suspended for harassment! Holy Smokes! The times have changed. I had a little girlfriend in kindergarten. We would go behind the piano and put our arms around each other. That sounds like sexual assault under these guidelines. And I don’t even want to think about the trumped up charges I would face for the first grade “finger paint in the hair” incident.
After a few words from every toy manufacturer in America, we are back and the messy “harassment” issue has been forgotten and the focus turns to ReRun’s deepest wish to get a dog for Christmas. Just about everyone tells him “Mom won’t let you” which kinda reminded me of “You’ll shoot your eye out,” minus that whole humor thing.
Poor ReRun gets scooped into Mom’s bike seat again. The following scenes of him riding along in the seat spewing non sequiturs, weird observations, and utter nonsense reminded me of Molly Shannon’s bad stand-up comedienne character Jeannie Darcy on SNL. All ReRun needs here are some shoulder pads, a mullet, and the occasional “Don’t Get me Started”.
Mercifully, we move on to a scene with Lucy and Schroeder. Schroeder gets a bad rap and a lot of people think he is gay. I don’t see it. I mean, sure…he’s a sensitive artist/musician type and hates the attention that girls show him. So what? He’s also an athlete: Wikipedia tells me that “Schroeder is the catcher on Charlie Brown’s baseball team and he is always seen walking the ball back to the mound, never throwing.” Artsy-Fartsy, hates girls, likes to play catcher, and can’t throw a ball…So. Not. Gay.
Speaking of Not Gay: In our next scene, ReRun realizes that playing with yourself is not as much fun as playing with a buddy. He decides to bribe Snoopy with a bagful of Christmas cookies, and it works! The two enjoy many different “romps” and “frolics” (I swear those are the cartoon’s words and not mine) together. Ultimately, Snoopy tires of ReRun, cookies be damned, and our poor dejected protagonist is back to playing with himself. He begs and pleads to get Snoopy back…even offering to buy him for $10 million with only sixteen cents down. This tells us two things: Snoopy is no cheap whore, and ReRun was most likely a victim of the sub prime meltdown. Finally, ReRun gives up on Snoopy and is once again begging anyone who will listen for a dog of his own.
We are treated to a couple of random scenes with secondary characters like Not Gay Schroeder and Not Smart Sally Brown. In one, Not Smart Sally frustrates herself trying to get dressed and decides that winter is a terrible season because of all the extra and confusing clothing that needs to be worn. I find myself pondering Not Smart Sally’s future, and for some reason I feel it involves swinging around a shiny pole.
Moving back to our primary plot, Snoopy just happens to get a letter from his desert dwelling brother Spike while ReRun is hanging out with Charlie Brown. Yes, the blatant plot manipulation is troubling. However, I find myself more hung up on the following thought: A world exists where dogs are able to fly airplanes, think in English, write letters to each other in cursive, and live alone in the desert…yet they still end up being kept as pets by human characters that can charitably be described as mentally challenged. Don’t get me started! ReRun has Snoopy type up a message for Spike that reeks of desperation. Seriously. He stops just short of saying “Come live with me and let’s be lonely together.” It’s like a late-night drunk dial, except made by a five year-old and mailed to the desert. It was just sad and weird.
Right on schedule, we are subjected to a few more completely irrelevant non-plot oriented scenes. The worst of which has to be ReRun pathetically trying to save a melting snowman and pleading with the sun to stop shining. He collapses in a puddle and quips “You can talk to the moon, but the sun won’t listen.” Are we all on-board with the mentally challenged label now?
Spike actually makes the long walk from the desert to come visit, and I for one don’t buy that ReRun’s letter had anything to do with it. I call shenanigans on the timeline here. When ReRun got suspended from school, we were told it was the day before Christmas break. Christmas Day still hasn’t arrived, which leads me to believe all of this is happening during the course of a single week. Spike must have set out on his walk long before ReRun’s sad little letter. Take that, Peanuts!
At any rate, Lucy shows an ounce of humanity for the first time and notes how thin the desert-dwelling Spike is. She decides to bring him home and fatten him up, all while wearing a little miniature nurse’s uniform. If you ask me, I think she just wanted to wear the costume. Bossy girls like that kind of thing.
Lucy’s reverse fat camp totally does the trick and ReRun temporarily gets a chubby to play with! ReRun romps and frolics with his chubby, but after too much fun the chubby becomes emaciated again. Mrs. Van Pelt promptly banishes Spike from the house and nobody else is willing to take him in. Poor Spike. Apparently everyone loves a chubby, but when the chub is gone, it’s just not the same.
ReRun is terribly distraught over skinny Spike’s inability to find a home and subsequent return to the desert. To take his mind off the heartbreak, he takes Lucy up on an offer to fill a hole in the cast of her Christmas Pageant. Unfortunately, that just stresses him out even more! Who would have been able to predict that Lucy would be such a total tyrant as a director? Not ReRun!
In a last-ditch effort to get his mind off of Spike, ReRun heads back to the Brown house hoping that Snoopy will come out and pull his sled. Charlie Brown is a total mensch about the whole thing, even though Snoopy is acting like a pissy little diva. Snoopy has a list of demands that would rival Mariah Carey’s tour rider. He wants a silver harness, golden bells, and fancy tassels. Charlie appeals to Snoopy’s better nature by bringing up ReRun’s lost chubby. Snoopy relents and bounds outside to play with ReRun. However, Snoopy is having none of the “pulling the boy on the sled” thing and instead insists on being pulled himself. ReRun trudges down the street pulling Snoopy on the sled and it finally dawns on him that maybe having a dog is just more trouble than it is worth. We fade out and if there was some kind of redeeming, heart-tugging holiday message in “I, WAD”, I totally missed it. They didn’t even approach the obvious “Christmas is about more than wanting things” theme. ReRun may have lost his chubby, but I do believe he will get another someday. I, on the other hand, lost an hour of my life I’ll never get back. Which is worse?
And there you have it, gentle readers. Thank you for taking this trip with me. As painful as “I, WAD” was to watch, it was an absolute blast to recap and make fun of. I hope you all have a very joyous holiday season. I’m off to write a new special called “I want Auditiongasm votes for Christmas, Charlie Brown.” Here’s hoping it turns out better for me than it did for ReRun.
Greetings TVGASM readers! (I know we are usually referred to as “Gasmii” in these recaps, but I still consider myself a fan/reader and feel I need to earn the right to call my fellow readers Gasmii by winning Auditiongasm!) I’m excited to be participating is this little Snark Off! Flipit says we should “be ourselves as loudly as possible” in these recaps. I’m deaf, so if I get TOO loud, just tap me on the shoulder.
Tis the season for holiday specials ad nauseam! I try to steer clear of all of them, and personally had no idea that “I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown” (or “I, WAD” if you please) existed. I approached my DVR with a glimmer of hope that I was about to discover a new chestnut. Unfortunately, I would describe the viewing of “I, WAD” as more of a kick to the nuts.
The show opens with Vince Guaraldi’s “Linus and Lucy” playing, or so my closed captions tell me. Luckily for you readers, my deafness will prohibit Guaraldi’s jazzy riffs on Christmas standards from swaying my mood. Full snark ahead! Snoopy and a small posse of Woodstock clones are sledding in a dog food dish and crash land in a pine tree. Charlie Brown and Linus happen by and note that “Christmas decorations are getting more lifelike every year”. See where they were going with that one? It’s funny ‘cause the animals are all scattered through the pine tree! They really set the humor bar impossibly high with that one.
Next, we meet our protagonist ReRun, who is Linus and Lucy Van Pelt’s little brother. ReRun is terrified of and bitching about riding on the back of his Mom’s bike. I guess the Van Pelt household doesn’t have access to the internet or Youtube. If ReRun had seen that crazy viral video of a man swinging a baby around, he would probably shut up about riding in a bike seat that must have gone through rigorous safety testing before hitting the market. Somehow, we transition from the bike seat to a strung-out looking ReRun heading to the Brown house. Apparently, a little Puppy Play is all ReRun needs to get straight again. Unfortunately, Snoopy is unavailable. Poor ReRun. Now he wants a dog of his own…hence the brilliant title.
Upon returning from the (arguably more entertaining) commercial break, we find the Van Pelt clan at home. A series of interactions between the siblings ensue. The overriding theme here seems to be “big sisters are sadistic bitches.” I took offense to this, having grown up with two big sisters of my own. I can tell you from personal experience that being burned intentionally with curling irons, smothered with pillows, made to sit on the floor of the car during road trips, and being told I was found on an airplane and adopted were all just different and special ways that my big sisters told me they loved me. And if the two of you happen to be reading this: Mwah! Love Ya Both! Can’t wait to see you next week at Christmas! Please don’t hurt me!
From watching siblings emotionally damage each other, we move on to watching strangers damage each other while cutting and pasting pieces of construction paper: Kindergarten! ReRun tells a little cutie in his class that they should escape to Paris someday since playing with construction paper and blocks is boring. Somehow, this comment gets grossly misinterpreted and ReRun is suspended for harassment! Holy Smokes! The times have changed. I had a little girlfriend in kindergarten. We would go behind the piano and put our arms around each other. That sounds like sexual assault under these guidelines. And I don’t even want to think about the trumped up charges I would face for the first grade “finger paint in the hair” incident.
After a few words from every toy manufacturer in America, we are back and the messy “harassment” issue has been forgotten and the focus turns to ReRun’s deepest wish to get a dog for Christmas. Just about everyone tells him “Mom won’t let you” which kinda reminded me of “You’ll shoot your eye out,” minus that whole humor thing.
Poor ReRun gets scooped into Mom’s bike seat again. The following scenes of him riding along in the seat spewing non sequiturs, weird observations, and utter nonsense reminded me of Molly Shannon’s bad stand-up comedienne character Jeannie Darcy on SNL. All ReRun needs here are some shoulder pads, a mullet, and the occasional “Don’t Get me Started”.
Mercifully, we move on to a scene with Lucy and Schroeder. Schroeder gets a bad rap and a lot of people think he is gay. I don’t see it. I mean, sure…he’s a sensitive artist/musician type and hates the attention that girls show him. So what? He’s also an athlete: Wikipedia tells me that “Schroeder is the catcher on Charlie Brown’s baseball team and he is always seen walking the ball back to the mound, never throwing.” Artsy-Fartsy, hates girls, likes to play catcher, and can’t throw a ball…So. Not. Gay.
Speaking of Not Gay: In our next scene, ReRun realizes that playing with yourself is not as much fun as playing with a buddy. He decides to bribe Snoopy with a bagful of Christmas cookies, and it works! The two enjoy many different “romps” and “frolics” (I swear those are the cartoon’s words and not mine) together. Ultimately, Snoopy tires of ReRun, cookies be damned, and our poor dejected protagonist is back to playing with himself. He begs and pleads to get Snoopy back…even offering to buy him for $10 million with only sixteen cents down. This tells us two things: Snoopy is no cheap whore, and ReRun was most likely a victim of the sub prime meltdown. Finally, ReRun gives up on Snoopy and is once again begging anyone who will listen for a dog of his own.
We are treated to a couple of random scenes with secondary characters like Not Gay Schroeder and Not Smart Sally Brown. In one, Not Smart Sally frustrates herself trying to get dressed and decides that winter is a terrible season because of all the extra and confusing clothing that needs to be worn. I find myself pondering Not Smart Sally’s future, and for some reason I feel it involves swinging around a shiny pole.
Moving back to our primary plot, Snoopy just happens to get a letter from his desert dwelling brother Spike while ReRun is hanging out with Charlie Brown. Yes, the blatant plot manipulation is troubling. However, I find myself more hung up on the following thought: A world exists where dogs are able to fly airplanes, think in English, write letters to each other in cursive, and live alone in the desert…yet they still end up being kept as pets by human characters that can charitably be described as mentally challenged. Don’t get me started! ReRun has Snoopy type up a message for Spike that reeks of desperation. Seriously. He stops just short of saying “Come live with me and let’s be lonely together.” It’s like a late-night drunk dial, except made by a five year-old and mailed to the desert. It was just sad and weird.
Right on schedule, we are subjected to a few more completely irrelevant non-plot oriented scenes. The worst of which has to be ReRun pathetically trying to save a melting snowman and pleading with the sun to stop shining. He collapses in a puddle and quips “You can talk to the moon, but the sun won’t listen.” Are we all on-board with the mentally challenged label now?
Spike actually makes the long walk from the desert to come visit, and I for one don’t buy that ReRun’s letter had anything to do with it. I call shenanigans on the timeline here. When ReRun got suspended from school, we were told it was the day before Christmas break. Christmas Day still hasn’t arrived, which leads me to believe all of this is happening during the course of a single week. Spike must have set out on his walk long before ReRun’s sad little letter. Take that, Peanuts!
At any rate, Lucy shows an ounce of humanity for the first time and notes how thin the desert-dwelling Spike is. She decides to bring him home and fatten him up, all while wearing a little miniature nurse’s uniform. If you ask me, I think she just wanted to wear the costume. Bossy girls like that kind of thing.
Lucy’s reverse fat camp totally does the trick and ReRun temporarily gets a chubby to play with! ReRun romps and frolics with his chubby, but after too much fun the chubby becomes emaciated again. Mrs. Van Pelt promptly banishes Spike from the house and nobody else is willing to take him in. Poor Spike. Apparently everyone loves a chubby, but when the chub is gone, it’s just not the same.
ReRun is terribly distraught over skinny Spike’s inability to find a home and subsequent return to the desert. To take his mind off the heartbreak, he takes Lucy up on an offer to fill a hole in the cast of her Christmas Pageant. Unfortunately, that just stresses him out even more! Who would have been able to predict that Lucy would be such a total tyrant as a director? Not ReRun!
In a last-ditch effort to get his mind off of Spike, ReRun heads back to the Brown house hoping that Snoopy will come out and pull his sled. Charlie Brown is a total mensch about the whole thing, even though Snoopy is acting like a pissy little diva. Snoopy has a list of demands that would rival Mariah Carey’s tour rider. He wants a silver harness, golden bells, and fancy tassels. Charlie appeals to Snoopy’s better nature by bringing up ReRun’s lost chubby. Snoopy relents and bounds outside to play with ReRun. However, Snoopy is having none of the “pulling the boy on the sled” thing and instead insists on being pulled himself. ReRun trudges down the street pulling Snoopy on the sled and it finally dawns on him that maybe having a dog is just more trouble than it is worth. We fade out and if there was some kind of redeeming, heart-tugging holiday message in “I, WAD”, I totally missed it. They didn’t even approach the obvious “Christmas is about more than wanting things” theme. ReRun may have lost his chubby, but I do believe he will get another someday. I, on the other hand, lost an hour of my life I’ll never get back. Which is worse?
And there you have it, gentle readers. Thank you for taking this trip with me. As painful as “I, WAD” was to watch, it was an absolute blast to recap and make fun of. I hope you all have a very joyous holiday season. I’m off to write a new special called “I want Auditiongasm votes for Christmas, Charlie Brown.” Here’s hoping it turns out better for me than it did for ReRun.