flipit
12-22-2008, 09:56 AM
Muppets Letters to Santa
I normally wouldn’t touch holiday specials with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole (shoutout Grinch!), but who doesn’t love The Muppets? Their most recent exploits found them with some letters to Santa that weren’t mailed in time for Christmas – so what’s a ragtag group consisting of a frog, bear, rat, prawn, and whatever the hell Gonzo’s supposed to be to do? Hand-deliver them to the North Pole of course! Me? I would have lied and simply pretended to mail them, but let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
We open with a group of our Muppet friends waiting in a massive line outside the post office on…Christmas Eve? You have got to be fucking insane to go to a post office on Christmas Eve. As usual, Miss Piggy keeps it real and yells at everyone to affix their damn stamps and get a move on. She and Kermit are scheduled to go to the Caribbean.
Our first cameo comes courtesy of NYC Mayor Bloomberg, who offers some advice to Miss Piggy about being polite, and even goes so far to say New Yorkers are among the most polite people around. If the people sitting in my section at the Yankee game I attended this summer were any indication, I’d have to disagree.
We are then treated to a song about how quickly the year flew by, which somehow turns into a love letter (no pun intended) for postal workers. The words “always sweet,” among other complimentary terms, are used to describe postal employees. I’m fairly certain one of the writers is banging a postal worker, because let’s be real. Please someone tell me the last time you were greeted by a friendly, “sweet” face at a post office. Jesse L. Martin (heart) makes an appearance in the song-and-dance number taking place in the back of the post office. If this performance had a sexuality, I’d rank it somewhere around “Elton John in costume” level gay. I am, however, legitimately excited (it could be my wine talking) to see Sweetums, that gigantic tan monster looking creature and one of my favorite supporting characters is also making an appearance.
For reasons unknown, the Muppets are allowed to participate in this ridiculousness and help sort mail behind the scenes, and again Miss Piggy is the only one with the sense to tell them all to shut the fuck up. It was around this point I noticed Fozzie Bear and Kermit are each wearing a sweater so unfortunate looking that I can only assume they were gifts from Bill Cosby or their attire for an ugly sweater party they’re attending later that evening. The sequence ends when they’re all sucked through some conveyer-belt looking thing and dumped in front of their apartment, where in the hallway they meet…
Jane Krakowski, who I will never forgive for stealing the Dratch’s 30 Rock thunder. She has an inflatable Santa and asks for help blowing it up. Was I the only one who got a “that’s what she said”/semi-inappropriate vibe from this? Although, I HAD just come from watching Extra, where there was a challenge to see which Real Housewives cast member could best “stuff Mario’s stocking” with Christmas gifts, so maybe my mind was already halfway in the gutter. One thing that’s certainly halfway gone is this bottle of wine.
Krakowski’s daughter, Claire, invites the crew over for Christmas, a prospect at which Krakowski seems whatever word means the polar opposite of thrilled. Sorry kid, everyone has plans, so it looks like you’re stuck with your Santa-blowing mother.
Gonzo realizes some Santa letters got stuck in his bag amid all that Broadway fun at the post office, one of which is from Claire! Logic takes over and I think, 1.) haven’t these people ever heard of a mailbox; 2.) who mails their Santa letter ON Christmas Eve (I used to have my final draft ready to go by Dec. 1); and 3.) WHO GOES TO THE POST OFFICE ON CHRISTMAS EVE?!?!
Anyway, they trek back to the post office only to find it’s closed early for the holiday. As I mentioned at the top of this recap, I wouldn’t have even bothered with all that and would have simply pretended these letters got mailed out. Alas, the Muppets’ hearts are more pure than mine, so they are faced with a true dilemma. It’s suggested that they just open the letters themselves, and a hilarious looking blue guy monster with a unibrow delivers a PSA about how opening another person’s mail is a felony. Now, I would think a Christmas special would be filled with more lessons along the lines of sharing, loving people, and other immaterial things no one really cares about, so this bit about the mail seems like an odd, albeit semi-useful, lesson.
The post office mission aborted, our crew returns to the apartment. Miss Piggy is in a tizzy about getting to the airport, and rightfully so. “What about doing what’s right?” Kermit asks. “What about ME?” Miss Piggy counters. Sing it, sister!
The fellas briefly attempt to employ the services of some carrier pigeons and email to get their letter to their destination, but both ultimately fail. There’s an odd scene with some Sopranos people talking to Pepe (a shrimp with a Spanish accent, I believe) and Rizzo the rat, but I kind of forget what happened here because I was really distracted by the two commercials that followed. First, can we all agree that this “Howie Do It” show looks like the worst thing ever? Second, I don’t know if Ritz Camera is a national chain, but their commercial re: photo enlargements featured lines such as “I like it really big,” “I like it really big…and fat,” all uttered suggestively by women, one of whom is standing in a shop surrounded by sausage. The fact that this was aired during a children’s holiday special disturbs me on several levels.
After the break, we finally get to see Animaaaallll!!!! For those not familiar with the Muppets, think of him as the Justin Bobby of the crew. Now, I’m not one to name drop, but in the interest of full disclosure, I should inform you that during a childhood trip to Disneyworld, my parents and I took in a live show featuring the Muppets (we’re very highbrow). We were seated front row, center, and during the show Animal POINTED.DIRECTLY.AT.ME. and referred to me as “preeeeetttyyy ladddyyy!” several times. (During that same vacation I was also selected by the White Rabbit to play the smartest of the Three Little Pigs in a mini-skit thing, but you’ll have to vote for me if you ever want to hear the rest of that riveting tale)
Anyway, Gonzo throws some major guilt on the other Muppets; I believe the phrase “you said you would do anything to help” was thrown in for good measure. Piggy, steamed about the Caribbean trip, tells Kermit if he goes to the North Pole, his ass better stay there. I should study her body of work so that I can better perfect the art of the dramatic exit, which I completely suck at. I usually end up forgetting something and having to go back.
A bunch of random faces blow by, all on their way out for the holiday, including Janice, the New York of the Muppets (seriously, google image search both their names and you will find a hilarious side-by-side comparison), and all we’re left with is Fozzie, Kermie, and Gonzo. This is disappointing because all those weirdo supporting people are what MAKE the Muppets.
Gonzo sings some crap about what’s in their hearts (sample lyrics: “that quiet place where the good guy lives and the best intentions start”), and they all agree to travel to the North Pole with him. Ah, the satisfaction of a successful guilt trip.
Fortunately, Rizzo and Pepe, not wanting to miss the opportunity to watch their friends fail, reappear. We all have at least one such frenemy. Luckily, North Pole Airways flies out of their local airport, complete with a flight attendant who is none other than Uma Thurman. Huh? She seems out of place in a Muppets special, but she does make a perfect North Pole princess. Eat your heart out, Ethan Hawke.
This being the Muppets, and there being a good chunk of time left, boarding the airport does not go smoothly. They get spotted by officer Nathan Lane, a truly annoying man, while in the security line. I have to say I wouldn’t be too comfortable knowing I was about to board a plane with this group of weirdos. Seriously, does anyone know what Gonzo is even supposed to BE? Lane pulls them out of line and calls their story about the letters an “obvious cover.” Is this about to turn into Maria Full of Grace? Because I’m totally fine with that, that movie was fucking awesome. But no, it’s simply an excuse for Lane to tell us he is upset with Santa because he never got the tricycle he asked for as a child. $100 says he gets on by the end of this special.
Turns out the real reason Lane didn’t get the trike was because he was on Santa’s naughty list, but the Muppets assure him there’s still time to change. Let’s pause for an important lesson for the kids. Since that blue unibrowed monster who delivered the earlier PSA is nowhere to be found, I’ll have a go at this. Maybe like one percent of people possess the ability to change their ways. But most people, especially assholes, will NOT change. Ever. Especially when they are middle-aged and already set in their ways. It just does not happen. Especially when said person is a man (sorry, guys). Anyway, Lane lets them go in an attempt to “change his ways.” This was dumb.
All this nonsense caused them to miss the flight, so they decide to “wing it” (yuk yuk yuk), and as scary as it would be to see this group of creatures IN the security line, imagine looking out the window and seeing them clinging to your jet’s wing! They FINALLY arrive at the North Pole and are greeted by an elf who informs them Santa already left for the evening. Well…duh. This was not well thought out.
At this point I must pause and say, the budget for this special seems to be larger than that of the past four America’s Next Top Model cycles combined. No fake plane with the Muppets’ faces photoshopped onto it here!
Hearing this news, Gonzo tells them he wants to…be alone? OH HELLLL NO. I think I speak for all the others when I say, you did NOT just drag our asses all they way up here by throwing the guilt trip of the century when we could be on living it up on a beach somewhere because you were too incompetent to be in a post office, and now you want to be alone?! I don’t think so. He sings a nauseating song about how if he were Santa, he’d fill a bag with kindness and give it to the world. It makes me just want to make a cake filled with rainbows and love, and go back to junior high where we could all just get along like we used to…
All I can keep thinking is, all this trouble when a simple lie about having mailed the letters would have sufficed. I think I’m missing the point here. There are actually some good lessons in this song about being kind to others and all that. I wish I wasn’t old and bitter. Excuse me while I go weep into my wine.
Turns out there was nothing to worry about, because Santa heard their cries and appears in a cloud of magic dust. He’s played by what can best be described as a poor man’s Anthony Hopkins. They all pile onto the sleigh and Santa finally reads the damn letters. Turns out one was from Pepe – couldn’t he have spoken up about this earlier? – who wishes he were…an opera singer? Um, okay. The other was from Nathan Lane, who asks to be taken off the naughty list. He is, and we cut to a shot of him with his dream tricycle (didn’t see that coming). Last but not least, Claire’s letter. Of course she asks for something immaterial. I tried faking a request for something immaterial once in hopes of getting some sweet presents for being so “thoughtful” – you know, reverse psychology – but I quickly came to my senses and made a real list. She wants all of her friends to be with her on the holiday. Had they simply ignored the warnings of blue-unibrow-monster and opened the letters, they could have saved a hell of a lot of time and airfare.
The crew shows up at Claire’s, and all is right with the world. Even Miss Piggy returns! She has great hair. A cast of thousands shows up and we see all the funny extras, including Sweetums. So what did we all learn from tonight’s programming: Be kind to others, do kind things for others, spending time with family and friends is all you really need, and – above all – NEVER open someone else’s mail. That’s a felony. I prefer the Pig’s version, but whatever. What did you think?
I normally wouldn’t touch holiday specials with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole (shoutout Grinch!), but who doesn’t love The Muppets? Their most recent exploits found them with some letters to Santa that weren’t mailed in time for Christmas – so what’s a ragtag group consisting of a frog, bear, rat, prawn, and whatever the hell Gonzo’s supposed to be to do? Hand-deliver them to the North Pole of course! Me? I would have lied and simply pretended to mail them, but let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
We open with a group of our Muppet friends waiting in a massive line outside the post office on…Christmas Eve? You have got to be fucking insane to go to a post office on Christmas Eve. As usual, Miss Piggy keeps it real and yells at everyone to affix their damn stamps and get a move on. She and Kermit are scheduled to go to the Caribbean.
Our first cameo comes courtesy of NYC Mayor Bloomberg, who offers some advice to Miss Piggy about being polite, and even goes so far to say New Yorkers are among the most polite people around. If the people sitting in my section at the Yankee game I attended this summer were any indication, I’d have to disagree.
We are then treated to a song about how quickly the year flew by, which somehow turns into a love letter (no pun intended) for postal workers. The words “always sweet,” among other complimentary terms, are used to describe postal employees. I’m fairly certain one of the writers is banging a postal worker, because let’s be real. Please someone tell me the last time you were greeted by a friendly, “sweet” face at a post office. Jesse L. Martin (heart) makes an appearance in the song-and-dance number taking place in the back of the post office. If this performance had a sexuality, I’d rank it somewhere around “Elton John in costume” level gay. I am, however, legitimately excited (it could be my wine talking) to see Sweetums, that gigantic tan monster looking creature and one of my favorite supporting characters is also making an appearance.
For reasons unknown, the Muppets are allowed to participate in this ridiculousness and help sort mail behind the scenes, and again Miss Piggy is the only one with the sense to tell them all to shut the fuck up. It was around this point I noticed Fozzie Bear and Kermit are each wearing a sweater so unfortunate looking that I can only assume they were gifts from Bill Cosby or their attire for an ugly sweater party they’re attending later that evening. The sequence ends when they’re all sucked through some conveyer-belt looking thing and dumped in front of their apartment, where in the hallway they meet…
Jane Krakowski, who I will never forgive for stealing the Dratch’s 30 Rock thunder. She has an inflatable Santa and asks for help blowing it up. Was I the only one who got a “that’s what she said”/semi-inappropriate vibe from this? Although, I HAD just come from watching Extra, where there was a challenge to see which Real Housewives cast member could best “stuff Mario’s stocking” with Christmas gifts, so maybe my mind was already halfway in the gutter. One thing that’s certainly halfway gone is this bottle of wine.
Krakowski’s daughter, Claire, invites the crew over for Christmas, a prospect at which Krakowski seems whatever word means the polar opposite of thrilled. Sorry kid, everyone has plans, so it looks like you’re stuck with your Santa-blowing mother.
Gonzo realizes some Santa letters got stuck in his bag amid all that Broadway fun at the post office, one of which is from Claire! Logic takes over and I think, 1.) haven’t these people ever heard of a mailbox; 2.) who mails their Santa letter ON Christmas Eve (I used to have my final draft ready to go by Dec. 1); and 3.) WHO GOES TO THE POST OFFICE ON CHRISTMAS EVE?!?!
Anyway, they trek back to the post office only to find it’s closed early for the holiday. As I mentioned at the top of this recap, I wouldn’t have even bothered with all that and would have simply pretended these letters got mailed out. Alas, the Muppets’ hearts are more pure than mine, so they are faced with a true dilemma. It’s suggested that they just open the letters themselves, and a hilarious looking blue guy monster with a unibrow delivers a PSA about how opening another person’s mail is a felony. Now, I would think a Christmas special would be filled with more lessons along the lines of sharing, loving people, and other immaterial things no one really cares about, so this bit about the mail seems like an odd, albeit semi-useful, lesson.
The post office mission aborted, our crew returns to the apartment. Miss Piggy is in a tizzy about getting to the airport, and rightfully so. “What about doing what’s right?” Kermit asks. “What about ME?” Miss Piggy counters. Sing it, sister!
The fellas briefly attempt to employ the services of some carrier pigeons and email to get their letter to their destination, but both ultimately fail. There’s an odd scene with some Sopranos people talking to Pepe (a shrimp with a Spanish accent, I believe) and Rizzo the rat, but I kind of forget what happened here because I was really distracted by the two commercials that followed. First, can we all agree that this “Howie Do It” show looks like the worst thing ever? Second, I don’t know if Ritz Camera is a national chain, but their commercial re: photo enlargements featured lines such as “I like it really big,” “I like it really big…and fat,” all uttered suggestively by women, one of whom is standing in a shop surrounded by sausage. The fact that this was aired during a children’s holiday special disturbs me on several levels.
After the break, we finally get to see Animaaaallll!!!! For those not familiar with the Muppets, think of him as the Justin Bobby of the crew. Now, I’m not one to name drop, but in the interest of full disclosure, I should inform you that during a childhood trip to Disneyworld, my parents and I took in a live show featuring the Muppets (we’re very highbrow). We were seated front row, center, and during the show Animal POINTED.DIRECTLY.AT.ME. and referred to me as “preeeeetttyyy ladddyyy!” several times. (During that same vacation I was also selected by the White Rabbit to play the smartest of the Three Little Pigs in a mini-skit thing, but you’ll have to vote for me if you ever want to hear the rest of that riveting tale)
Anyway, Gonzo throws some major guilt on the other Muppets; I believe the phrase “you said you would do anything to help” was thrown in for good measure. Piggy, steamed about the Caribbean trip, tells Kermit if he goes to the North Pole, his ass better stay there. I should study her body of work so that I can better perfect the art of the dramatic exit, which I completely suck at. I usually end up forgetting something and having to go back.
A bunch of random faces blow by, all on their way out for the holiday, including Janice, the New York of the Muppets (seriously, google image search both their names and you will find a hilarious side-by-side comparison), and all we’re left with is Fozzie, Kermie, and Gonzo. This is disappointing because all those weirdo supporting people are what MAKE the Muppets.
Gonzo sings some crap about what’s in their hearts (sample lyrics: “that quiet place where the good guy lives and the best intentions start”), and they all agree to travel to the North Pole with him. Ah, the satisfaction of a successful guilt trip.
Fortunately, Rizzo and Pepe, not wanting to miss the opportunity to watch their friends fail, reappear. We all have at least one such frenemy. Luckily, North Pole Airways flies out of their local airport, complete with a flight attendant who is none other than Uma Thurman. Huh? She seems out of place in a Muppets special, but she does make a perfect North Pole princess. Eat your heart out, Ethan Hawke.
This being the Muppets, and there being a good chunk of time left, boarding the airport does not go smoothly. They get spotted by officer Nathan Lane, a truly annoying man, while in the security line. I have to say I wouldn’t be too comfortable knowing I was about to board a plane with this group of weirdos. Seriously, does anyone know what Gonzo is even supposed to BE? Lane pulls them out of line and calls their story about the letters an “obvious cover.” Is this about to turn into Maria Full of Grace? Because I’m totally fine with that, that movie was fucking awesome. But no, it’s simply an excuse for Lane to tell us he is upset with Santa because he never got the tricycle he asked for as a child. $100 says he gets on by the end of this special.
Turns out the real reason Lane didn’t get the trike was because he was on Santa’s naughty list, but the Muppets assure him there’s still time to change. Let’s pause for an important lesson for the kids. Since that blue unibrowed monster who delivered the earlier PSA is nowhere to be found, I’ll have a go at this. Maybe like one percent of people possess the ability to change their ways. But most people, especially assholes, will NOT change. Ever. Especially when they are middle-aged and already set in their ways. It just does not happen. Especially when said person is a man (sorry, guys). Anyway, Lane lets them go in an attempt to “change his ways.” This was dumb.
All this nonsense caused them to miss the flight, so they decide to “wing it” (yuk yuk yuk), and as scary as it would be to see this group of creatures IN the security line, imagine looking out the window and seeing them clinging to your jet’s wing! They FINALLY arrive at the North Pole and are greeted by an elf who informs them Santa already left for the evening. Well…duh. This was not well thought out.
At this point I must pause and say, the budget for this special seems to be larger than that of the past four America’s Next Top Model cycles combined. No fake plane with the Muppets’ faces photoshopped onto it here!
Hearing this news, Gonzo tells them he wants to…be alone? OH HELLLL NO. I think I speak for all the others when I say, you did NOT just drag our asses all they way up here by throwing the guilt trip of the century when we could be on living it up on a beach somewhere because you were too incompetent to be in a post office, and now you want to be alone?! I don’t think so. He sings a nauseating song about how if he were Santa, he’d fill a bag with kindness and give it to the world. It makes me just want to make a cake filled with rainbows and love, and go back to junior high where we could all just get along like we used to…
All I can keep thinking is, all this trouble when a simple lie about having mailed the letters would have sufficed. I think I’m missing the point here. There are actually some good lessons in this song about being kind to others and all that. I wish I wasn’t old and bitter. Excuse me while I go weep into my wine.
Turns out there was nothing to worry about, because Santa heard their cries and appears in a cloud of magic dust. He’s played by what can best be described as a poor man’s Anthony Hopkins. They all pile onto the sleigh and Santa finally reads the damn letters. Turns out one was from Pepe – couldn’t he have spoken up about this earlier? – who wishes he were…an opera singer? Um, okay. The other was from Nathan Lane, who asks to be taken off the naughty list. He is, and we cut to a shot of him with his dream tricycle (didn’t see that coming). Last but not least, Claire’s letter. Of course she asks for something immaterial. I tried faking a request for something immaterial once in hopes of getting some sweet presents for being so “thoughtful” – you know, reverse psychology – but I quickly came to my senses and made a real list. She wants all of her friends to be with her on the holiday. Had they simply ignored the warnings of blue-unibrow-monster and opened the letters, they could have saved a hell of a lot of time and airfare.
The crew shows up at Claire’s, and all is right with the world. Even Miss Piggy returns! She has great hair. A cast of thousands shows up and we see all the funny extras, including Sweetums. So what did we all learn from tonight’s programming: Be kind to others, do kind things for others, spending time with family and friends is all you really need, and – above all – NEVER open someone else’s mail. That’s a felony. I prefer the Pig’s version, but whatever. What did you think?