flipit
12-22-2008, 10:12 AM
Letters to Santa: A Muppets Christmas
Ooh – before the show proper, a little teaser of Miss Piggy and Kermit. Piggy wants to know where her present is, and Kermit gives some lame excuse about how busy he’s been working on their special. Here’s the first hint Piggy has been doped up for the holidays – instead of kicking his ass, she just grumbles a little. Pfft – I want to see some pig on frog violence!!!
After the opening credits we get shots of Radio City Music Hall and ice skating at Rockefeller Center, because really, however else would know you’re in NYC? Oh and we get the obligatory shot of the Christmas tree – woo!! From there we head on over to the post office where there’s a very long line of all the losers that wait until the last minute to mail their cards and presents. Hey!! Guess what? If you mail the present on Christmas Eve it’s not getting there on time dumbass!! How about you get your butt out of the house a couple weeks earlier to buy and mail your gifts?? UGH.
Our Muppet friends are patiently waiting in line with freaking STACKS of letters to be mailed. Here we find out that for the first time ever, the Muppets will be spending the holidays apart. Apparently Piggy and Kermie are going to the Caribbean, but first they have to mail their letters, because in alter verse NY there aren’t mailboxes on every freaking street corner. Piggy is ready to lose it because the line is not moving. And here’s the first surprise cameo of the evening. Uh, keep your day job Mayor Bloomberg. He gives some lame joke about New Yorkers being courteous, to which everyone watching in the NY area says: Fuck THAT, Jackass. Piggy’s not buying it either, and her rudeness gives Kermie the excuse he is waiting for to break out the first song of the evening. The gang sings their way into the post office. Um. I don’t think the writers have ever actually visited the post office. The people that work at mine don’t look anything like these pretty people. Oooh look! Sweetums!
Jesse L. Martin, sometime cop and drag queen lover, beckons us to the back room of the post office and Holy Shit. I now know why my letters take so long to get to their destinations. It’s a freaking Broadway show back there. Hey Jesse – this isn’t Rent for Chrissake, it’s the Post Office – more sorting, please, less twirling. Pepe the Prawn reads my mind: “What kind of Post Office ees thees?” And we’re not done yet. Apparently anyone that makes it to the backroom is allowed to help sort the mail. Hey, mom? The chickens ate your card. Sorry.
Gonzo’s got some letter that needs to go to Santa, and Pepe and Rizzo let us know that they do NOT believe. Kermit ignores this and goes back to singing. Piggy’s drugs are starting to wear off. She is over this crap and wants to move it along so she can get to the beach already. Gonzo decides to help. He sees a machine labeled: “Don’t even think of touching this.” So, duh, he cranks it up. Which is exactly what I would do. Why do they have a speed call Too Fast?? Of course everything goes crazy, or as Kermie says “Postal”. Heh. Or Neh. The post office does not like it when you make them stop dancing, so they kick the Muppets out by delivering them to their house in a mailbag.
Stadler and Waldorf!! Yey! Instead of being on their normal balcony, they are hanging out the front window like a couple of old ladies from Brooklyn. Inside we meet the adorable little girl Claire, plot device and neighbor. The letter Gonzo mailed was her letter to Santa. Claire, why are you sending your letter to Santa on Christmas Eve? Maybe the elves were hoping to get off work early tonight. Thanks for making them have to work late, Claire!! Enjoy the coal! Claire’s mom comes to the door with her inflatable Santa that she needs help blowing up. Hey! Claire’s mom!! I bet if you blow Santa yourself, Claire will get whatever she wants for Christmas. Just a thought. Claire wants the Muppets to come over for dinner, and her mom breathes a sigh of relief when she hears that they’re all going away for Christmas. Of course this makes Claire sad, but mom cheers her up by telling her how much fun the two of them will have together. Now let’s get this party started – come help mommy blow Santa!!
Uh oh. Gonzo has 3 letters stuffed into his backpack. I wonder who they could be addressed to. I know you will be as surprised as I was to hear that they are for Santa. AND one of them is Claire’s letter!! Shocking! So Gonzo and Fozzie head back to the post office to mail the letters. But all the singing and twirling have tired the pretty pretty postal workers, and they have closed early. Fozzie thinks maybe they should open the letters to see what the kids have asked for, but Sam the Eagle stops him with a quick PSA about how opening other people’s mail is a federal offense. Thanks Sam!!
Back from commercial, Kermie is trying to think of another way to get the letters to Santa. Pepe wants to e-mail him at jollyfatmanandcompletelymadeup.com. I like it. Kermie however doesn’t think that Santa uses the internet, and Dr Bunsen Honeydew is here to enlighten us as to why Santa can’t set up a wireless network. But never fear!! The Muppet labs have developed the Wishgranter 3000, which Beaker will demonstrate. And he does. First by wishing for a hot model to meemeeme meee with, and then to wish them both the hell out of there – have fun Beaker!! Make sure you wish up some condoms!
Piggy is ready to go, Kermit wants to stay and help, and Piggy’s valium has definitely worn off, because she slams the door in Kermie’s face. That had to hurt. Once Kermit’s face stops bleeding he heads off to UPS (United Pigeon Service) with Gonzo and Fozzie. The pigeons apparently are an old married Jewish couple who like to fight and nag a lot – yay stereotypes!! They bicker back and forth while Kermit thinks about how much they must love each other. The trio decides maybe UPS is not such a good idea.
Pepe has his own plan. He goes to the guys who can make the problems go away. Paulie Walnuts and Bobby Baccala. Oh goody, more stereotypes!! Take notes kids; you’ll be tested on this later. So, they made some calls and they found a guy who knows a guy whose cousin knows a guy who knows a cousin of a guy that can get the letters to Santa tonight. Wait, I think I know that guy. Not that guy, the other guy. And just when we think the problem is solved, Rizzo opens his big fat mouth, and the deal is off. No Rats. Sleep with the fishes! How many clichés can we squeeze into this segment?
Back at the Muppartments, Gonzo has thought up the brilliant plan to deliver the letters to Santa themselves. Kermit thinks the plan won’t work, but Gonzo reminds him that he said he’d do whatever it takes to help the kiddies. Piggy is over it – Kermit told her they would spend Christmas in the Caribbean. Oh Kermie, haven’t you learned by now that you can’t make everyone happy? For a minute I think Piggy’s taken more valium because she tells him he should go, but then she tells him to stay there and slams the door in his face again. Ah, young love.
Piggy leaves to go on vacation alone- you go girl! The Electric Mayhem takes that as their cue to get out now before it’s too late, and Scooter also bails. Pepe and Rizzo would go with them to the North Pole BUT they’ve left their flying unicorns in the shop. I heart you Pepe and Rizzo!!
Gonzo’s not giving up. In fact, he’s so serious about this that he busts out a song to convince Kermit and Fozzie. You will be shocked to hear that the singing works. Pepe and Rizzo decide to go along, but only to witness the train wreck that they are sure will happen. They sing the whole way to the airport, which is a lotta singing since their fare is $85.73. Whoopi the cabdriver wants to get paid, but it doesn’t seem like anyone has money – maybe she takes Pepe up on his offer of cashews? I hate these dangling plot threads! Movin’ right along!!
Now where could our gang find an airline that flies to the North Pole? How about North Pole Airlines? Kermie takes the words out of my mouth: “How convenient!” It is here that we meet Joy, the dippy ticket agent as portrayed by Uma Thurman. She will get them on them on the one and only flight. I think Joy has been sniffing the candy canes, because she is way too happy, especially for someone working on Christmas Eve.
At airport security we are introduced to Nathan Lane as the cranky security guard. With the surprising name of Officer Meany. Whose sidekick is a bear. The Muppets are rubbing Meany the wrong way, so bear tries to help out his partner by rubbing him the right way. Kinky. Meany shoots him down, but Bear’s not giving up on some Christmas action that easily. He makes up some law against joking in airport security so he can have his way with Fozzie. Poor Fozzie has never known the love of another bear. All he can do is lay there saying “ow” over and over and over, praying that bear will be quick about it.
From the rape scene we cut over to a little Christmas cheer from Stadler and Waldorf who are heckling the rat carolers outside the Muppartments. Just the right touch of comedy after that brutal scene of bear rape. “Stay silent all night” – highlarious.
Back at airport security, Bear is smoking a cigarette; while Officer Meany is pouting that he never gets any. He can’t get it up on his own, so he’s asking someone to bring him the cattle prod. It’s electric.
He just knows the Muppets were planning something – I’m guessing their plan didn’t involve getting raped by a bear, and poked and prodded by some fat ass security guard, but hey, who knows? Piggy’s away and we know how Kermie likes the violent ones. Kermie tries to tell Meany about their letter delivery, but he’s not buying it. But Fozzie’s got the letters to prove it! Meany’s still not buying and anyway, he can’t believe that they believe in Santa. Bear lets it slip that Meany wrote a letter to Santa. When he was little boy. All he wanted was a shiny red tricycle with red ribbons on the handlebars and a shiny silver bell that went ding ding ding. But the ding dong landed himself on the naughty list for being a big fat bully. My how things have changed. Kermie tells Meany if he helps them he might be able to get off the naughty list. No one tells Meany what to do!! He decides! He decides who, he decides how much. Now get on that plane!
The plane has already left the gate of course, so it would seem that the Muppets are SOL. Joy, the high and happy ticket agent has a great idea. They can hang onto the wing of the plane, and then literally jump off at the North Pole! Great idea Joy! I wish they had John Lithgow in the plane looking out the window and freaking a la Twilight Zone. That would have been awesome.
Arriving at the North Pole, they knock on Santa’s door and an elf answers. Apparently he is Santa’s chief elf, and he is freaking tanked. After screwing with them a little he finally slurs out that Santa has left the building. Sucks to be you. Oh, and merry Christmas and all that crap. Gonzo is so overcome by his failure that he needs some time alone. To sit on a rock. And sing.
Oh, but before the song starts there is a teaser at the bottom of my TV: “Superstars of Dance Premieres Sunday Jan 4”. Can. Not. Wait. Mark your calendars, people.
So anyway, on to the song. Gonzo would like to be Santa for a day. Fozzie would too so he can eat all the cookies and milk. I am going to toss my cookies. Oh, and Fozzie wants all the kiddies to be just like Gonzo. Um, okay, I guess the world could always use a few more fuck ups. And guess what you guys? Santa heard their song!! And comes back to the North Pole! And look – Joy is there, blowing Santa for candy canes, it would seem. She pops up and helps them aboard the sleigh before running off to share her candy canes with the elves. Off they go. On to the letters! The first one is from…..Pepe!! He only said he didn’t believe in Santa to be macho, but he really does believe. So Santa grants his wish to become a fabulous opera singer – how butch!! We’re running out of time, so we’re quickly onto the next letter from none other than Officer Meany. All he wants is to be taken off the naughty list – and since he didn’t participate in the rape, he only watched, the Muppets tell Santa what a good guy he is and Voila! Meany FINALLY gets his trike.
Last but not least, Claire’s letter. All she wants for Christmas is for all her friends to be with her. Bullcrap. Or, maybe not – maybe she’s sick of her mom making her blow fat old men. They don’t need Santa to help grant that wish, and anyway, Santa needs to stay away from her house - he heard vice has the place staked out. He’ll just drop the gang off and be on his way. Claire is super excited to see them all at her door. Her mom is less than thrilled – she was hoping for some big tips from their Christmas clients. Damn. She makes sure to put some newspaper down before these freaks come inside – she’s heard that some of them are into golden showers.
We get an awesome parade of Muppets coming in, from Lew Zealand and the Swedish Chef, to Beauregard and Rowlf. Pepe is apparently a regular of Claire’s mom and get a freebie for Rizzo and his girlfriend. Piggy comes back for some make-up sex under the mistletoe, and Electric Mayhem is back complete with a Happy Hanukkah from Zoot. Just to make sure all the Jews out there don’t feel left out of a Christmas special.
Now that the gang’s all here you know what time it is - we get to sing again!! All our dreams came true! Claire’s mom gets a little frisky with Kermie during the song, but she better not let Piggy catch her or she’ll end up with mistletoe up her butt. Fozzie gives Claire and her mom matching ‘ho sweaters so everyone will know those bitches belong to him. And Beaker gives up his model girl to finally admit he loves him some Honeydew.
And so it’s a Merry Christmas for all, and Kermie and the gang wish us all a Merry, er Happy Holiday.
And I need a drink so freaking bad I can’t even stand it. Ho ho ho.
Ooh – before the show proper, a little teaser of Miss Piggy and Kermit. Piggy wants to know where her present is, and Kermit gives some lame excuse about how busy he’s been working on their special. Here’s the first hint Piggy has been doped up for the holidays – instead of kicking his ass, she just grumbles a little. Pfft – I want to see some pig on frog violence!!!
After the opening credits we get shots of Radio City Music Hall and ice skating at Rockefeller Center, because really, however else would know you’re in NYC? Oh and we get the obligatory shot of the Christmas tree – woo!! From there we head on over to the post office where there’s a very long line of all the losers that wait until the last minute to mail their cards and presents. Hey!! Guess what? If you mail the present on Christmas Eve it’s not getting there on time dumbass!! How about you get your butt out of the house a couple weeks earlier to buy and mail your gifts?? UGH.
Our Muppet friends are patiently waiting in line with freaking STACKS of letters to be mailed. Here we find out that for the first time ever, the Muppets will be spending the holidays apart. Apparently Piggy and Kermie are going to the Caribbean, but first they have to mail their letters, because in alter verse NY there aren’t mailboxes on every freaking street corner. Piggy is ready to lose it because the line is not moving. And here’s the first surprise cameo of the evening. Uh, keep your day job Mayor Bloomberg. He gives some lame joke about New Yorkers being courteous, to which everyone watching in the NY area says: Fuck THAT, Jackass. Piggy’s not buying it either, and her rudeness gives Kermie the excuse he is waiting for to break out the first song of the evening. The gang sings their way into the post office. Um. I don’t think the writers have ever actually visited the post office. The people that work at mine don’t look anything like these pretty people. Oooh look! Sweetums!
Jesse L. Martin, sometime cop and drag queen lover, beckons us to the back room of the post office and Holy Shit. I now know why my letters take so long to get to their destinations. It’s a freaking Broadway show back there. Hey Jesse – this isn’t Rent for Chrissake, it’s the Post Office – more sorting, please, less twirling. Pepe the Prawn reads my mind: “What kind of Post Office ees thees?” And we’re not done yet. Apparently anyone that makes it to the backroom is allowed to help sort the mail. Hey, mom? The chickens ate your card. Sorry.
Gonzo’s got some letter that needs to go to Santa, and Pepe and Rizzo let us know that they do NOT believe. Kermit ignores this and goes back to singing. Piggy’s drugs are starting to wear off. She is over this crap and wants to move it along so she can get to the beach already. Gonzo decides to help. He sees a machine labeled: “Don’t even think of touching this.” So, duh, he cranks it up. Which is exactly what I would do. Why do they have a speed call Too Fast?? Of course everything goes crazy, or as Kermie says “Postal”. Heh. Or Neh. The post office does not like it when you make them stop dancing, so they kick the Muppets out by delivering them to their house in a mailbag.
Stadler and Waldorf!! Yey! Instead of being on their normal balcony, they are hanging out the front window like a couple of old ladies from Brooklyn. Inside we meet the adorable little girl Claire, plot device and neighbor. The letter Gonzo mailed was her letter to Santa. Claire, why are you sending your letter to Santa on Christmas Eve? Maybe the elves were hoping to get off work early tonight. Thanks for making them have to work late, Claire!! Enjoy the coal! Claire’s mom comes to the door with her inflatable Santa that she needs help blowing up. Hey! Claire’s mom!! I bet if you blow Santa yourself, Claire will get whatever she wants for Christmas. Just a thought. Claire wants the Muppets to come over for dinner, and her mom breathes a sigh of relief when she hears that they’re all going away for Christmas. Of course this makes Claire sad, but mom cheers her up by telling her how much fun the two of them will have together. Now let’s get this party started – come help mommy blow Santa!!
Uh oh. Gonzo has 3 letters stuffed into his backpack. I wonder who they could be addressed to. I know you will be as surprised as I was to hear that they are for Santa. AND one of them is Claire’s letter!! Shocking! So Gonzo and Fozzie head back to the post office to mail the letters. But all the singing and twirling have tired the pretty pretty postal workers, and they have closed early. Fozzie thinks maybe they should open the letters to see what the kids have asked for, but Sam the Eagle stops him with a quick PSA about how opening other people’s mail is a federal offense. Thanks Sam!!
Back from commercial, Kermie is trying to think of another way to get the letters to Santa. Pepe wants to e-mail him at jollyfatmanandcompletelymadeup.com. I like it. Kermie however doesn’t think that Santa uses the internet, and Dr Bunsen Honeydew is here to enlighten us as to why Santa can’t set up a wireless network. But never fear!! The Muppet labs have developed the Wishgranter 3000, which Beaker will demonstrate. And he does. First by wishing for a hot model to meemeeme meee with, and then to wish them both the hell out of there – have fun Beaker!! Make sure you wish up some condoms!
Piggy is ready to go, Kermit wants to stay and help, and Piggy’s valium has definitely worn off, because she slams the door in Kermie’s face. That had to hurt. Once Kermit’s face stops bleeding he heads off to UPS (United Pigeon Service) with Gonzo and Fozzie. The pigeons apparently are an old married Jewish couple who like to fight and nag a lot – yay stereotypes!! They bicker back and forth while Kermit thinks about how much they must love each other. The trio decides maybe UPS is not such a good idea.
Pepe has his own plan. He goes to the guys who can make the problems go away. Paulie Walnuts and Bobby Baccala. Oh goody, more stereotypes!! Take notes kids; you’ll be tested on this later. So, they made some calls and they found a guy who knows a guy whose cousin knows a guy who knows a cousin of a guy that can get the letters to Santa tonight. Wait, I think I know that guy. Not that guy, the other guy. And just when we think the problem is solved, Rizzo opens his big fat mouth, and the deal is off. No Rats. Sleep with the fishes! How many clichés can we squeeze into this segment?
Back at the Muppartments, Gonzo has thought up the brilliant plan to deliver the letters to Santa themselves. Kermit thinks the plan won’t work, but Gonzo reminds him that he said he’d do whatever it takes to help the kiddies. Piggy is over it – Kermit told her they would spend Christmas in the Caribbean. Oh Kermie, haven’t you learned by now that you can’t make everyone happy? For a minute I think Piggy’s taken more valium because she tells him he should go, but then she tells him to stay there and slams the door in his face again. Ah, young love.
Piggy leaves to go on vacation alone- you go girl! The Electric Mayhem takes that as their cue to get out now before it’s too late, and Scooter also bails. Pepe and Rizzo would go with them to the North Pole BUT they’ve left their flying unicorns in the shop. I heart you Pepe and Rizzo!!
Gonzo’s not giving up. In fact, he’s so serious about this that he busts out a song to convince Kermit and Fozzie. You will be shocked to hear that the singing works. Pepe and Rizzo decide to go along, but only to witness the train wreck that they are sure will happen. They sing the whole way to the airport, which is a lotta singing since their fare is $85.73. Whoopi the cabdriver wants to get paid, but it doesn’t seem like anyone has money – maybe she takes Pepe up on his offer of cashews? I hate these dangling plot threads! Movin’ right along!!
Now where could our gang find an airline that flies to the North Pole? How about North Pole Airlines? Kermie takes the words out of my mouth: “How convenient!” It is here that we meet Joy, the dippy ticket agent as portrayed by Uma Thurman. She will get them on them on the one and only flight. I think Joy has been sniffing the candy canes, because she is way too happy, especially for someone working on Christmas Eve.
At airport security we are introduced to Nathan Lane as the cranky security guard. With the surprising name of Officer Meany. Whose sidekick is a bear. The Muppets are rubbing Meany the wrong way, so bear tries to help out his partner by rubbing him the right way. Kinky. Meany shoots him down, but Bear’s not giving up on some Christmas action that easily. He makes up some law against joking in airport security so he can have his way with Fozzie. Poor Fozzie has never known the love of another bear. All he can do is lay there saying “ow” over and over and over, praying that bear will be quick about it.
From the rape scene we cut over to a little Christmas cheer from Stadler and Waldorf who are heckling the rat carolers outside the Muppartments. Just the right touch of comedy after that brutal scene of bear rape. “Stay silent all night” – highlarious.
Back at airport security, Bear is smoking a cigarette; while Officer Meany is pouting that he never gets any. He can’t get it up on his own, so he’s asking someone to bring him the cattle prod. It’s electric.
He just knows the Muppets were planning something – I’m guessing their plan didn’t involve getting raped by a bear, and poked and prodded by some fat ass security guard, but hey, who knows? Piggy’s away and we know how Kermie likes the violent ones. Kermie tries to tell Meany about their letter delivery, but he’s not buying it. But Fozzie’s got the letters to prove it! Meany’s still not buying and anyway, he can’t believe that they believe in Santa. Bear lets it slip that Meany wrote a letter to Santa. When he was little boy. All he wanted was a shiny red tricycle with red ribbons on the handlebars and a shiny silver bell that went ding ding ding. But the ding dong landed himself on the naughty list for being a big fat bully. My how things have changed. Kermie tells Meany if he helps them he might be able to get off the naughty list. No one tells Meany what to do!! He decides! He decides who, he decides how much. Now get on that plane!
The plane has already left the gate of course, so it would seem that the Muppets are SOL. Joy, the high and happy ticket agent has a great idea. They can hang onto the wing of the plane, and then literally jump off at the North Pole! Great idea Joy! I wish they had John Lithgow in the plane looking out the window and freaking a la Twilight Zone. That would have been awesome.
Arriving at the North Pole, they knock on Santa’s door and an elf answers. Apparently he is Santa’s chief elf, and he is freaking tanked. After screwing with them a little he finally slurs out that Santa has left the building. Sucks to be you. Oh, and merry Christmas and all that crap. Gonzo is so overcome by his failure that he needs some time alone. To sit on a rock. And sing.
Oh, but before the song starts there is a teaser at the bottom of my TV: “Superstars of Dance Premieres Sunday Jan 4”. Can. Not. Wait. Mark your calendars, people.
So anyway, on to the song. Gonzo would like to be Santa for a day. Fozzie would too so he can eat all the cookies and milk. I am going to toss my cookies. Oh, and Fozzie wants all the kiddies to be just like Gonzo. Um, okay, I guess the world could always use a few more fuck ups. And guess what you guys? Santa heard their song!! And comes back to the North Pole! And look – Joy is there, blowing Santa for candy canes, it would seem. She pops up and helps them aboard the sleigh before running off to share her candy canes with the elves. Off they go. On to the letters! The first one is from…..Pepe!! He only said he didn’t believe in Santa to be macho, but he really does believe. So Santa grants his wish to become a fabulous opera singer – how butch!! We’re running out of time, so we’re quickly onto the next letter from none other than Officer Meany. All he wants is to be taken off the naughty list – and since he didn’t participate in the rape, he only watched, the Muppets tell Santa what a good guy he is and Voila! Meany FINALLY gets his trike.
Last but not least, Claire’s letter. All she wants for Christmas is for all her friends to be with her. Bullcrap. Or, maybe not – maybe she’s sick of her mom making her blow fat old men. They don’t need Santa to help grant that wish, and anyway, Santa needs to stay away from her house - he heard vice has the place staked out. He’ll just drop the gang off and be on his way. Claire is super excited to see them all at her door. Her mom is less than thrilled – she was hoping for some big tips from their Christmas clients. Damn. She makes sure to put some newspaper down before these freaks come inside – she’s heard that some of them are into golden showers.
We get an awesome parade of Muppets coming in, from Lew Zealand and the Swedish Chef, to Beauregard and Rowlf. Pepe is apparently a regular of Claire’s mom and get a freebie for Rizzo and his girlfriend. Piggy comes back for some make-up sex under the mistletoe, and Electric Mayhem is back complete with a Happy Hanukkah from Zoot. Just to make sure all the Jews out there don’t feel left out of a Christmas special.
Now that the gang’s all here you know what time it is - we get to sing again!! All our dreams came true! Claire’s mom gets a little frisky with Kermie during the song, but she better not let Piggy catch her or she’ll end up with mistletoe up her butt. Fozzie gives Claire and her mom matching ‘ho sweaters so everyone will know those bitches belong to him. And Beaker gives up his model girl to finally admit he loves him some Honeydew.
And so it’s a Merry Christmas for all, and Kermie and the gang wish us all a Merry, er Happy Holiday.
And I need a drink so freaking bad I can’t even stand it. Ho ho ho.