Auditiongasm Summer 09 -90210 #1

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Please bear with me as the last time I watched 90210 I was wearing a plaid flannel shirt and Timberlands, sitting in a dorm room and getting drunk on Zima. But enough about last Tuesday, on with the recap.
In the first thirty seconds, we (read: I) learn that a too good looking for high school man-child may go to military school, a forty-two year old woman is broke and her fish-lipped friend is glad to help (except that she’s not), Phoebe Abrams is having an after-prom party that the principal is totally stoked about, and that the principal totally found out about it from his kid, Annie (except that he didn’t). We also know that Erin Silver is sophomore prom queen (which is the high school equivalent of not keeping score at Little League games and is why we will never beat the Chinese at anything) but that she’s not some weird prom-loving loser (despite wearing the promiest dress ever and the presence of her prom-loving loser boyfriend who is the principal’s (adopted) other kid), and that Man-Child bought Fish Lips a corsage because he Facebook-stalked her and her status was, apparently, “Fish Lips wants a corsage.” Finally, two boys in ill-fitting tuxedos punch each other in the face until a girl informs them that she’s going into labor. She does this with a sexy eyebrow raise which is odd since one, you’re already knocked up so it’s a bit late for seduction and two, “my water just broke” is never a good pick up line. Trust me.

And we’re at prom.
Fish Lips is in the bathroom talking to the old lady with financial problems (and an inability to apply lipstick efficiently). Fish tells the Old Lady how amazing Man Child is because his dad left when he was a kid and it was totally Man Child and his mom against the world until mom got wise and started sleeping with and marrying the billionaire who hired her to clean his house, except that he turns out to be a real S.O.B. and no wonder Man Child has trust issues. Old Lady is in Lipstick Application: Phase Two and Fish is disturbed by her lack of focus. “Don’t you get it,” she whines. “Tonight, everything changed. Everything.” Like your ability to make intelligent boy-related decisions. You should so date the guy with trust issues. Really. You can fix him.

A unibrow with a banana clip and white fur stole walks into the bathroom complaining that “Principal Loser” (Oh snap. Good one.) found out about the After-Prom Party she was having and no one will step up and subject themselves to legal action and extensive carpet cleaning by having the two hundred drunk teenagers at their house instead. She then sees Old Lady and pretends she is no longer interested in the APP because it’s illegal and she doesn’t want to get in trouble with Old Lady. Fish explains that the Old Lady isn’t a grown up but her sister, and that Fish would LOVE to subject herself to legal action and extensive carpet cleaning and everyone should come to her house. Old Lady tears herself away from her lipstick and advises Fish and Frida Kahlo (get out your google) that there will be no party at HER house. She says this with the same face she has when she applies lipstick. Is her face frozen in a pucker? I’m concerned.

Despite all the satin in the room, an intense conversation ensues and Fish makes it clear that she’s the only one paying rent so it’s HER house and not the Old Lady’s. (Now, unless Fish is the Andrea Zuckerman-equivalent and doesn’t really live in Beverly Hills, do I want to know how this kid is paying her bills?) With a psychotic giggle, Fish tells Old Lady that she’s throwing the party but that the Old Lady is more than welcome to come. “You don’t want to do this, Fish,” she warns. Then it’s Fish’s turn with the lipstick and Old Lady makes a crazy face, making it clear that Fish does not, in fact, want to do this.

Demonstrating that she is the worst secret-spreader ever, Fish tells everyone, while standing not less than six feet from them, that the party is at her house instead of Frida’s. She tells Penelope who says that Benedict Annie is standing right behind her. Fish tells Penelope that Benedict didn’t tell Principal Loser about the party. But never mind that! There’s a back-handed compliment to deliver! Fish loves Benedict’s wrap and tells her that she looks like a model. A really, really short one. But that she looks good. For an ugly girl. With no fashion sense. At all.

“Everyone who is anyone is going to be at my party,” squeals Fish, but then there’s a text and Adriana is in labor and Benedict is in charge of the party and so much for the party where everyone who is anyone is going to be. I guess some of the everyones are going to be in the maternity ward.
Outside, Silver (the worst sophomore prom queen ever), her boyfriend (the prom king/token black guy) and a third wheel are looking for their limo but are having a difficult time because “is it just me or do most limos look very similar?” Hmm, subtle commentary on race? Kudos CW. Silver and Prom King are bickering because she called him a prom-loving loser and doesn’t understand why he isn’t happy that he won the crown. Um, because you called him a loser. This relationship is so going the distance.

Benedict runs out and tells Silver, Prom King and Third Wheel that Adriana is in labor and that they have to get to Fish’s house, but damn that tricky camouflage limo! They’re forced to ask Duncan for a ride in the White Stallion – a total embarrassment of a tricked-out, white-stretch, Escalade-limo or something. (Although he had no problem finding his ride, so I shouldn’t mock.) Unfortunately, Frida is a member of the White Stallion Entourage and refuses to allow Benedict in. Come on, Frida, be a sport. I love your banana clip. Finally, after promising not to talk to or look at Frida, Benedict is given a seat.
As Fish rushes to get to the hospital, she finds time to make out with Man Child in his car. And by make out, I mean eat his thumb. He has placed his digits perilously close to her shark-mouth and I’m afraid he’s going to lose one. He tells her that he’s been seeing a therapist at $200 an hour and barely says a word to her, but he spends one night with Fish and he tells her his life story. Fish whips out her calculator, writes up an invoice and says “$500 and we’ll call it even.” Aha! I thought she was earning a less honest (and more interesting) living but it’s good to know where she gets the rent.
And just so you know, the stuff that Man Child told her was private. Of course! “Doctor-patient confidentiality,” she promises. And by doctor-patient she means doctor-patient-lipstick-loving-sister-of-doctor. If Man Child didn’t have trust issues yet . . .

At the hospital, central casting has provided us with Standard Issue Bitchy Nurse who is too preoccupied with her personal phone call to help Navid (which I really want to pronounce so that it sounds like David) and his knocked-up girlfriend until Navid manages to tell SIBN that said girlfriend is having a baby. Oh! She’s having a baby! Yes, she’s having a baby! Yeah, I’m having a baby! (I can’t sell a want-ad but someone got paid to write that dialogue.)

Fortunately for Adriana, giving birth means you don’t have to attend the Post-Prom-A-Palooza organized by the school to give the uncool kids something to do after prom while everyone else is getting drunk and losing their virginity in the back of a limo. Or was that just me? This most awesome PPAP not only has a make your own sundae bar but also a choir. (I would like to point out that the choir is singing Beautiful Dreamer which is the same song that Tori Spelling sang on Saved By the Bell when she was Screech’s girlfriend, Violet, which means nothing except that I don’t get out much.)

Principal Loser and Kelly Taylor are making their own sundaes (not an innuendo) and having a conversation too boring to repeat, when his wife, Becky Katsopolis (you google, I’ll wait) walks in. Unfortunately, she arrives as the beat box choir is finishing so I don’t think she appreciated the awesomeness that was the PPAP. Principal Loser is disappointed that Becky isn’t wearing her PPAP T-shirt which has the catchy slogan “One Party Can Ruin Your Whole Summer”. Actually, I don’t think that qualifies as a slogan. It’s just a sentence. And a bad one at that.
Why doesn’t anyone notice that 90% of the students (and 100% of the cool ones) are NOT at the PPAP? Well, there’s no time to worry about that. Adriana is in labor! And the guidance counselor, school principal and his wife should definitely be there.

Back at Chez Fish, Benedict loses her mind because someone dropped a handful of pretzels on the floor. And they’re not even stepped on. I can’t wait to see how she reacts to vomit on the couch. As she tosses the Very Important Wrap on a nearby stool (cue close-up), the Old Lady walks over and stands on her hand. Does everyone treat Benedict like a door mat? Literally? “What on earth are you doing down there?” Old Lady demands. Well, there are pretzels everywhere and she’s on the floor scooping them into a bowl. Kidney transplant?
Old Lady cannot be bothered, grabs the Very Important Wrap and runs out the door “to resist taking up smoking again.” Someone writes this stuff? Really?
Prom King and Third Wheel are having a heart to heart about the state of the Prom King/Silver relationship. Prom King complains that it’s a lot of work and wishes he had a regular girlfriend. One who watches her boyfriend play lacrosse and who won’t emasculate him in front of the entire student body by calling him a prom-loving loser. Third Wheel can’t believe his love-struck ears. Why would Prom King want some boring, regular high school girl when he can have a girl with spirit and attitude and . . . life force. (I think Obi-Wan had that too.) Prom King runs off to his life-forced girlfriend and Third Wheel stabs out his own heart with a cocktail toothpick. Oh, and then takes a picture of Silver out of his coat pocket and stares. Which is not creepy. At all.

Speaking of love triangles, Loser, Becky and Kelly arrive at the hospital. Kelly runs off to do something guidance counselor-y and Loser tells Becky that he swiped brownies from the PPAP. Oh, please let them be pot brownies. It’s the only thing that could make these two interesting.
Adriana is huffing and puffing while Navid and Fish look on. Adriana is complaining that nothing is ready (and I finally learn that Navid is not the father of Adriana’s bastard child but someone named Ty is and that he has to sign over papers because this kid is going on the market) and that she doesn’t even have a toothbrush. Fish tells her that her breath doesn’t smell that gross. Nice backhand.

Kelly rushes in and tells Adriana that Brenda is in China and won’t be there for the delivery. Apparently, the fetus hears the bad news and it’s heart rate drops. And we’re having a c-section. Why is Navid dressed like a pirate?
Back at the party, we get a close up of the Very Important Jackets while the boys are chugging beer. Benedict is freaking out because there are two empties on the lawn. Who put this girl in charge? She needs to save the insanity for something like poop in the pool, not bar snacks and empty bottles. Reading my mind, Man Child shows Benedict a picture that he drew of her erupting like a volcano. I don’t know what this means but the close up tells me it’s important. (And I’m starting to get the feeling that the writers don’t think much of their viewers intelligence.)

Somehow Adriana has managed to go into labor, get to the hospital, have a c-section, deliver a baby and get back to her room all before anyone has begun to puke at Fish’s house. She tells Navid that she doesn’t want to see the baby or hold the baby and that he has to take it out of the room. Navid comes out to the waiting room and tells Loser, Becky and Kelly that it’s a six pound, two ounce girl. He then holds out his hands and says that it’s 18 inches. Oh please be talking about the baby.

Loser and Becky have realized that they don’t know where Benedict and Prom King are. They ask Navid if they’re still at his house but Navid is a bad liar and the jig is up. Of course, his girlfriend just birthed a child that isn’t his so I’ll cut him some slack. Loser and Becky are shocked and freak out that Benedict and Prom King went to an after party. This is a freak out they should save for when the kids go to a crack den but at least we know where Benedict gets it from.
During their meltdown, Becky yawns and Loser giggles like a girl and squeals, “Oh my God! The way you yawned! Like a lion! Raawr!” The conversation continues for seventeen minutes and these two figure out that they’re stoned. Holy crap. I was so wrong. Even pot brownies don’t make them interesting.

Now it’s Silver’s turn to ask for Third Wheel’s opinion on the Silver/Prom King relationship. Because it’s important that the boy who secretly loves her tells her that she and her boyfriend are perfect together. She thinks they’re too different because he’s prom royalty and she’s not. Third Wheel waxes poetic about the 364 nights each year that aren’t prom and how their differences won’t seem that drastic. I can’t believe this is the biggest issue they have. But if it is – you’ve got high quality problems my friend.

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(con't)

But before we leave Third Wheel to self-mutilate, Silver points out that he’s wearing Prom King’s jacket. The one with the not at all creepy picture of Silver in the inside pocket. (And Third Wheel pats his pocket just in case we are the morons that the writers think we are.) Third Wheel walks over to Prom King and they exchange the Very Important Jackets without incident. Except for Prom King bragging that it did seem too tight since he has the broad shoulders and all. And the girl you love.

Back at stoned central, Loser and Becky can’t figure out how to find their children. Kelly comes to check up on them and Loser shouts (because being stoned makes you loud) that the nerds at PPAP had pot brownies! Loser and Becky are the worst stoned-acting people ever and it looks like a bad after school special. (I learned it from watching you dad!) They have become incapable of performing the simplest tasks and demand that Kelly get them snacks. Kelly touches Loser’s chest way too long (I know this because of the close up) and she heads off to find pork rinds.

Becky must have seen the close up too because she tells Loser that Kelly has a crush on him. Loser lucks out and gets to use the pot as an excuse and tells her that Becky is paranoid. But she’s not. Kelly doesn’t get pork rinds for just anyone.

And let the vomit begin. Frida is draped over the toilet puking her guts up and I’m sure it’s not her first time at this rodeo. Benedict accidentally walks in and asks if she’s okay. Not sick enough to forget that she’s an awful person, Frida calls her Benedict the Rat and says she’ll just head home. Since standing is a challenge, Benedict asks how she plans on doing that. Just sick enough to forget that she just called her Benedict the Rat, Frida asks Benedict to drive her. Ever the doormat, Benedict agrees.

Outside, the Old Lady is patrolling the grounds and happens upon Man Child. She tells him that she’s Fish’s next door neighbor, Zelda - good alias – and she asks his name. “Man Child.” “Why do I know that name?” she asks. “Because I just told you.” Ooh. Witty repartee. Do go on. She then gives ‘trust issues’ a whole new meaning by repeating back his own life story that he told Fish in confidence. Not satisfied to let him guess who spilled the beans, she tells him that Fish was the bean-spiller. She then suggests a way to make the night more fun and drags him off to Fish’s house. Because if you lived next door, you would definitely take the high school kid back to someone else’s house to have sex with him.
Brenda, dressed like the picture on a “Cleopatra” costume-in-a-bag, arrives at the hospital to see Adriana. Without even being told, Adriana recognizes that Brenda is dressed as Cleopatra which is insane because Adriana played Cleopatra too. Brenda says they’re two of a kind. “You know, because we both played Cleopatra, and we both love drama, and we both have pretty dramatic lives.” Wow. They’re like one soul in two bodies.

Brenda asks her soul mate if she would like to go for a walk but Adriana isn’t unsure. “What’s going to stop you?” Well, I just had major surgery where they sliced cleanly through all of the muscles I need to hold me upright so that might stand in the way. But Brenda is the Queen of Egypt and upright-holding-muscles are no longer required so let’s go. They’re off to the cafeteria to get jello and, as if the drama thing wasn’t enough, They. Both. Love. Jello.
On their Jello journey, they pass Brenda’s dad’s hospital room and Brenda says he’s dying but it’s too painful to say good bye. She also hopes they have the Jello with the little marshmallows in it. Adriana tells Brenda that Brenda must say goodbye because she will always regret it if she doesn’t. Subtle. I hope this scene is a dream because Brenda sounds like she’s talking underwater and I don’t want to hear about gelatin desserts anymore.

Back from commercial and Brenda asks Adriana if she’s met her dragon. This is not innuendo as she is actually standing next to a Chinese dragon. “Handsome, isn’t he?” she asks Adriana (and there’s a penis joke in there somewhere). Brenda says good bye and that she has to go to China and Adriana wakes up in her hospital bed all Brenda and dragon-free but what a powerful dream. Brenda, Cleopatra, a dragon and Jello and she decides she has to go to the nursery to hold her baby.
Somehow, the APP is still going on and this must be the Longest. Night. Ever. Silver and her girls jump into the pool with their prom dresses on because they are CRAZY. Clearly, this is the type of shenanigans that Loser and Becky were worried about. I’ll bet they jumped into the pool without waiting until thirty minutes after they ate. Silver, the craziest one in the bunch, floats on her back in the middle of the pool. She is such a life force.

Third Wheel is standing nowhere near the pool and could be staring at any one of the two dozen kids in his line of vision but as Prom King sneaks up behind him, the rack focus tells us that Prom King knows that Third Wheel has designs on his life-force lady.

Prom King asks what he’s looking at and Third Wheel says he has something in his contact lens. Rookie move - that only works when you’re trying to get someone to make out with you, not when you’re trying to convince someone that you don’t love their girlfriend. Third Wheel says he thinks Silver is great as a friend but Prom King is no dummy and asks why he’s carrying around a picture of her in his pocket. Third Wheel (not having received the no dummy memo) says he got it for Prom King. Yeah, that doesn’t work either. Especially, since you didn’t actually give him the photo.

Prom King calls him out and says he’s lying. Third Wheel denies and they go back and forth until Silver shows up to tell them to go swimming because “water is fun”. Silver realizes that water fun is not on either boys’ minds and Prom King forces Third Wheel to admit that he likes Silver.
Fish has had enough of hospitals and birthing and goes back to the APP which continues into this endless night. As she leaves, Ty shows up with the paperwork giving up his parental rights and a cigar for Navid because that’s what they give to new fathers. He thanks Navid for being a good guy and taking care of Adriana, which would be far more touching if they didn’t have busted faces from the prom fight.
Becky and Kelly are sitting on a couch talking over a passed out Loser. Becky is eating trail mix and tells Kelly that she forgot how it makes you feel. Trail mix? How is it supposed to make you feel? (And why have I been eating the wrong trail mix all these years.) It makes you paranoid – which makes me think she’s talking about the pot and not the trail mix. She says she thought that Kelly had a crush on Loser! Can you believe? Isn’t that the nuttiest thing you’ve heard all day? Clearly, it’s true based on Kelly’s reaction but Becky is too baked to care.

Finally, Fish gets to enjoy her party. She walks in, asks for Man Child’s whereabouts and bounds up the stairs to eat his thumbs. Unfortunately, someone beat her to it. She walks into her bedroom to see Man Child pulling on his pants (for which I am grateful) and demands to know what he’s done. (Um, your sister.) He tells her that she’s nobody and that she’s gone but Fish sees the Very Important Wrap left behind by nobody and charges out of the room (with a face that looks like it just smelled a fart) to exact her revenge.

Old Lady Zelda emerges from the bathroom and lets Man Child know that she’s Fish’s sister. “Fish was a little too full of herself.” (And Zelda is full of evil and STDs.) Man Child is bent that she used him but with that body and that brain, I’d be surprised if this was the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Man Child tells Zelda that Fish will hate her if she finds out but Zelda isn’t worried. She knows that it would devastate Fish if she knew, and Man Child isn’t cruel enough to tell her (except that he is). Witty repartee continues and you can see the tag on Zelda’s underwear sticking out when she turns around. Just saying.

Fish runs downstairs with the Very Important Wrap in hand and starts in on Benedict. “How could you sleep with Man Child in my bedroom!?” She holds the wrap over her head like a scepter and yells that she found it in her room. Confused because she was busy being Frida’s doormat (which Fish doesn’t believe because everyone knows Frida hates Benedict), she denies the accusation. And the music stops, everyone circles around them in silence, and it all becomes Can’t Buy Me Love. But better! Fish is screeching: “Stop lying to me! Stop it!” Benedict is whimpering, “I would never do that to you.” Fish shrieks back, “You already have! Third Wheel! Does that ring a bell? And I forgave you because apparently I’m an idiot!” (Oh, there are so many reasons you’re an idiot but that really wasn’t one of them.)

And then the peanut gallery starts in:

“She ratted out the party!”

“No one wants you here!”
“Kansas skank!”
And then someone actually throws water in Benedict’s face and says it was for Charley. Oh how I wish I had even the tiniest clue who Charley is and what she did to him but I bet it was awesome and not even a little innocent-girl-from-Kansas-like.
With a SCREW YOU FISH and a SCREW ALL OF YOU, Benedict runs out of the house, turns into the Hulk and swipes a bottle of booze. Of course, she called the police to report underage drinking but next time, I suggest you leave the premises first, then call. Not that I would know.

Brenda shows up in Adriana’s hospital room but Adriana doesn’t believe she’s real until she pinches her dragon. (Yeah, that was a reach.) Navid comes in to tell them that the adoptive parents arrived at the hospital and Adriana begins her next melt down. She didn’t want to hold the baby because now she has to say goodbye. Brenda gives her ‘adoption is a wonderful thing’ speech and she’s speaking from experience because she adopted a little girl from China. Which to me seems like a waste of time and energy since Adriana had a perfectly good kid right here and Brenda wouldn’t have to answer all those stupid ‘are you the nanny’ questions.

At the endless party, Silver runs after Third Wheel and tells him that they’re just friends. Third Wheel responds by throwing her her up against a wall and shoving his tongue down her throat. He pours out his broken heart and tells her he wants to be something more than friends or nothing at all. He leaves it up to her but asks her why she’s out there with him instead of inside with her boyfriend. Because you ran out of the party crying like a little girl and Prom King didn’t.
Fish is laying on her bed with her head in Zelda’s lap and Zelda is rubbing her back (with the hand not holding the knife). Zelda tells her that she will take good care of her. Yeah, no kidding. The scene ends with sirens and an “open up, it’s the police” from downstairs. Do cops really say that?

At the hospital, everyone is ready for the baby transfer. Unfortunately, the dad looks like a serial killer and the pink diaper bag his wife has forced him to carry doesn’t help. They name the baby Mazey and Adriana says that it’s a pretty name. No, it’s not. It’s a fake adjective.
The camera zooms in on Man Child laying topless on his bed (which gives it a soft porn look) leaving a voicemail for Fish. He knows he messed up but needs to talk to her. Then two huge goons bust in, start wrestling Man Child (and the soft porn continues) and tells him that he’s going to some sort of therapy program (not soft porn at all). “All the skipping school, the stolen credit cards!” they yell. “It’s over!” I didn’t know that Man Child was a bad ass. I love him just a little bit more.

Somehow it is now daylight and Benedict is driving like a maniac. I assume she is driving home from the party but she left while it was still dark and Beverly Hills can’t be that big. (Either that or it’s another ‘the viewers couldn’t be that smart, could they?’ moment.) Anyway, she’s driving and staring at the bottle of booze on the front seat next to her. Distracted, she hits something in the middle of the road. Not one to be bothered by the ramifications of killing someone or something while speeding down the highway with an open bottle of booze on the seat next to her, she maneuvers the car away from the offending dead thing and goes on her merry way. Unfortunately, there is a convertible Mercedes behind her (with a West Beverly Hills bumper sticker) that sees everything and stops.

And that’s it? Maybe if I’d watched the whole season I’d be all jazzed about figuring out who Benedict ran over and what souvenir disease Man Child got to keep after his night with Zelda but I miss the good old days where we had to wait all summer to find out if Brenda was pregnant with Dylan’s grimacing baby or if Donna would continue to let Ray Pruitt beat the crap out of her. I think I just miss the Zima.

[reckless_saturn_11]

Great recapper. But I worry they lean too heavily on clever nicknames for the characters, rather than trying to explain who they are in the show. That can be a bit annoying to read after awhile. Very talented writer- sense of humor is dead on and accurate- made me laugh out loud lots of times. Hire this person!