flipit
09-03-2009, 10:50 AM
Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami-Episode 3-Hangover Helpers
Hello all! So this will be my first time watching “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami”. I watched “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”—if only to see what happens to the state of Bruce Jenner’s face when it rains—and despite their obvious shortcomings, I really liked them as a family. I predict that this show will be just like that show, minus the parental units, which means less crying about empty nest syndrome, and more crying about drunken one night stands. I’m excited.
The show takes place in Miami, as per the title. I think that they are going to be really original and play that “Miami Bitch” song by LMFAO for the opening credits…and…yeah, they do. The producers are just full of new and exciting ideas…Speaking of LMFAO, you know what I hate? I hate songs that exclude regions of the country. You can’t sing “I’m in Miami Bitch” in the blistering cold of a Chicago winter. I find it unfair and discriminatory. Plus, the lead singer has that weird, whiny, rap voice. Plus, their band does that thing where they think they’re cool because they dress in bright t-shirts, and hats, and cheetah print pants and thick-rimmed glasses. It’s like if MC Hammer and Will Smith circa “Fresh Prince” had a few lovechildren, and those lovechildren had babies with ChiaPets and wailing cats, you’d get LMFAO, and I don’t like them, so I think that they can STFU.
After LMFAO destroys what society used to call “music”,we get some shots of Khloe talking about the dating scene on her schwanky late night radio show. Question? Is that how every studio looks during late night shows? Like a sketchy strip joint? I feel like Austin Powers is lying on the shag carpeting below Khloe doing tongue thrust motions and rubbing his hairy nipples. I also feel like I have the sudden urge to take a shower….
This episode starts with Kourtney opening the door to welcome Kim. Everyone claps for her, and then they give her butt a standing ovation. Seriously, I love Kim, I really do, but you could safely bury a treasure in that ass…Anyway, she’s back in Miami because she has a porno, I mean, photo shoot, and so they’re celebrating her return. Their less-than-attractive friend starts the party by popping a bottle. He has what I like to call “Caveman Teeth”, which means that he has the type of teeth that Caveman probably had before there was such a thing as dentistry. I wonder if he is aware that he’s the less attractive friend, or if he’s seen himself in the reflection of Khloe’s lipgloss so many times that he doesn’t see anything wrong with how he looks. Am I being too harsh?
Kim insists that she doesn’t want anything to drink, and they inexplicably show this shot of this big, bald, black man, who makes the weirdest face, and then Khloe is like, “Kim doesn’t drink alcohol!” Seriously? Kim doesn’t drink alcohol? Kim Kardashian doesn’t drink alcohol? Well then what the deuce would posses her to make a sex tape sober? Well, maybe she was drunk when she did it, and that’s why she doesn’t drink anymore…At any rate, the past is the past.
After everyone gives Kim hell for not drinking, Scott Storch comes to the party; probably because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go, seeing as how he’s poor now. Seriously, if you’re going to be homeless, be homeless like Scott Storch because all you have to do is party hop all night and day…
He brings his entourage, and one of the guys is into Kourtney, but Kourtney is “totally scared of guys!” So when Jonathan starts putting the moves on Kourtney, she gets all nervous and rigid.
Kim starts getting all Dr.Drew about Kourtney’s body language, and says that she has her legs crossed, so that makes her an “87-year-old grandma”. Uhm, no, that’s makes her a lady. Plus, I know that Kim has seen “Clueless” more than 10 times; legs crossed toward a person means you’re totally into them! Like, duh! Oh, but wait! He starts talking about howt she should come hang out at his house, and she crosses her arms in front of her. Ohh, defensive mechanism! And this guy is spitting mad game at her, and all she’s saying is “Yeah…Yeah…Yeah…” It’s like he’s a bunch of balloons, and everytime she says “Yeah”, she’s popping one, and he comes slowly floating back to earth…
After witnessing this cold encounter, Khloe basically tells Kourtney that she should hook up with more guys. Well Khloe, not everyone wants to keep their cookie jar open all the time, like you. That’s how your cookies get stale (or “floppy” as Michael from “Miami Social” would say). Ergo, from here on out, I will refer to Khloe as “Stale Kookies”. I do agree with her, however, when she says that Kourtney isn’t over her ex boyfriend Scott (greasy Scott, not homeless Scott). Then they flash to a picture of him. Ugh. You know how when you were a little kid, and they had those capsules of gooey slime in the 25 cent machines at the grocery store, and you’d play with the goo, but after you were done you’d have that gross watery residue on your hands? Scott is that gross watery residue, but…personified.
Then, we’re back to the fact that Kim doesn’t drink. She calls the other two “drunks” when they’re out partying…well…yeah…but what’s wrong with that? Nothing. So Kourtney wants Kim to get “loose as a goose”. Is that the phrase? Or is it “loose off the Goose”? Who cares? Nothing makes me happier than getting someone who “never” drinks, completely wasted, because those are the ones that are obliterated after only a few drinks, and you’re still sober enough to remember all of the insanely stupid things that they’re doing. So, I’m fully supportive of Operation Wasted Kim.
After they tell her that she sucks on ice, Kim runs inside to call her Mommy. She asks if Kris thinks she’s a wet blanket, and Kris says, “It’s not that you’re boring, it’s that you just aren’t the life of the party…” HA! So Kim responds, “saying that I’m ‘not the life of the party’ is the same as saying I’m boring, right?” Yes Kim, that is what we call a euphemism. It’s like a stripper calling herself a “dancer”, or a janitor calling himself a “sanitation engineer”. We use them sometimes in society, when we feel badly for a person we have no reason to feel badly for. This is why people call you a “socialite” instead of a whore. Euphamisms are everywhere!
We’re back in the studio with S.K. , and the setup looks marginally less skank-a-rific now. Kourtney comes in, and they all banter about sex toys and then Khloe is like “so anyway, we’re holding open auditions at D-A-S-H for anyone who wants to date my sister!” Even though she spreads like butter, sometimes I really love S.K. She’s such an insensitive bitch.
Later, after storming out of the studio angrily, Kourtney decides that the damage is done and so she’s going to try to have fun with the auditions, so the festivities commence. Hey! Some of these guys aren’t that bad! But of course, our little Princess Kourt is having none of it, and understandably so, because what kind of guy waits in line to try to win a date with someone they know they have no chance with? Oh…the kind who wants to be on television, in which case, why would Kourtney want to date them anyway? It really is a waste of her time, but it makes for great T.V.
We then flash to the gang having dinner and GASP Kim orders a drink…and then another…and then another…and Khloe is like “she’s gonna get sick, and I hate when new drunks are sick.” True that.
We’re treated to a whole slew of “Kim downing drinks” clips, and before you know it…the chick can’t even stand. She’s falling over lounges, and dancing on tables, and giving crotch shots for Perez… I love it. I love it because I’m not the one hauling her ass to the car, or holding her hair back, and taking her shoes off and tucking her into bed.
The next morning S.K. and Kourtney tell Kim to wake up and smell the vomit, because she has a photo shoot that she has to go to. When she wakes up they tell her that they hated having to take care of her drunk self, and she responds by saying, “Well how do you think I’ve felt, because I’ve had to do it every day of your life!”…Yeah…I could definitely 4-year-old S.K. knocking back a few shots…
Later on, S.K. is badgering Kourtney to go on a date with a sexy Cuban. She calls said Cuban, and tells him that he should “get ready to bone.” Ugh, soggy soggy cookies…Anyway, Kourtney tells S.K. that she really isn’t feeling this whole idea of dating someone who isn’t dripping with oil and bodily fluids, and S.K. says that she’s being totally evil. Yes S.K., because Kourtney not wanting to date some guy she’s never met is sooo evil, while putting your sister on blast to the entire world, and then setting her up with someone who she doesn’t even like, all so that you can watch her crash and burn isn’t?
Oh wait, is this the guy from the auditions? I liked him. He has a pretty face, and a nice bod but, he doesn’t drink. Boo. Anyway, they’re boring. Kourtney goes home to a disappointed S.K., and tells her that she wants to call Greasemuffin Scott. And everyone in America throws their hands up in the air and says “Wtf?” and then S.K. starts spanking Kourtney…but we can all assume that she ended up calling Scott because now she’s preggers with his Greasebaby.
My thoughts on the show: A show about trendy girls living in a city, that begins with the main character spewing thoughts on men and sex, and ends with everyone learning a valuable lesson about the inner strength it takes to survive friendships and relationships, all while wearing 5-inch-heels. Well this is a premise I’ve never heard before…Bravo producers. Bravo.
Hello all! So this will be my first time watching “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami”. I watched “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”—if only to see what happens to the state of Bruce Jenner’s face when it rains—and despite their obvious shortcomings, I really liked them as a family. I predict that this show will be just like that show, minus the parental units, which means less crying about empty nest syndrome, and more crying about drunken one night stands. I’m excited.
The show takes place in Miami, as per the title. I think that they are going to be really original and play that “Miami Bitch” song by LMFAO for the opening credits…and…yeah, they do. The producers are just full of new and exciting ideas…Speaking of LMFAO, you know what I hate? I hate songs that exclude regions of the country. You can’t sing “I’m in Miami Bitch” in the blistering cold of a Chicago winter. I find it unfair and discriminatory. Plus, the lead singer has that weird, whiny, rap voice. Plus, their band does that thing where they think they’re cool because they dress in bright t-shirts, and hats, and cheetah print pants and thick-rimmed glasses. It’s like if MC Hammer and Will Smith circa “Fresh Prince” had a few lovechildren, and those lovechildren had babies with ChiaPets and wailing cats, you’d get LMFAO, and I don’t like them, so I think that they can STFU.
After LMFAO destroys what society used to call “music”,we get some shots of Khloe talking about the dating scene on her schwanky late night radio show. Question? Is that how every studio looks during late night shows? Like a sketchy strip joint? I feel like Austin Powers is lying on the shag carpeting below Khloe doing tongue thrust motions and rubbing his hairy nipples. I also feel like I have the sudden urge to take a shower….
This episode starts with Kourtney opening the door to welcome Kim. Everyone claps for her, and then they give her butt a standing ovation. Seriously, I love Kim, I really do, but you could safely bury a treasure in that ass…Anyway, she’s back in Miami because she has a porno, I mean, photo shoot, and so they’re celebrating her return. Their less-than-attractive friend starts the party by popping a bottle. He has what I like to call “Caveman Teeth”, which means that he has the type of teeth that Caveman probably had before there was such a thing as dentistry. I wonder if he is aware that he’s the less attractive friend, or if he’s seen himself in the reflection of Khloe’s lipgloss so many times that he doesn’t see anything wrong with how he looks. Am I being too harsh?
Kim insists that she doesn’t want anything to drink, and they inexplicably show this shot of this big, bald, black man, who makes the weirdest face, and then Khloe is like, “Kim doesn’t drink alcohol!” Seriously? Kim doesn’t drink alcohol? Kim Kardashian doesn’t drink alcohol? Well then what the deuce would posses her to make a sex tape sober? Well, maybe she was drunk when she did it, and that’s why she doesn’t drink anymore…At any rate, the past is the past.
After everyone gives Kim hell for not drinking, Scott Storch comes to the party; probably because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go, seeing as how he’s poor now. Seriously, if you’re going to be homeless, be homeless like Scott Storch because all you have to do is party hop all night and day…
He brings his entourage, and one of the guys is into Kourtney, but Kourtney is “totally scared of guys!” So when Jonathan starts putting the moves on Kourtney, she gets all nervous and rigid.
Kim starts getting all Dr.Drew about Kourtney’s body language, and says that she has her legs crossed, so that makes her an “87-year-old grandma”. Uhm, no, that’s makes her a lady. Plus, I know that Kim has seen “Clueless” more than 10 times; legs crossed toward a person means you’re totally into them! Like, duh! Oh, but wait! He starts talking about howt she should come hang out at his house, and she crosses her arms in front of her. Ohh, defensive mechanism! And this guy is spitting mad game at her, and all she’s saying is “Yeah…Yeah…Yeah…” It’s like he’s a bunch of balloons, and everytime she says “Yeah”, she’s popping one, and he comes slowly floating back to earth…
After witnessing this cold encounter, Khloe basically tells Kourtney that she should hook up with more guys. Well Khloe, not everyone wants to keep their cookie jar open all the time, like you. That’s how your cookies get stale (or “floppy” as Michael from “Miami Social” would say). Ergo, from here on out, I will refer to Khloe as “Stale Kookies”. I do agree with her, however, when she says that Kourtney isn’t over her ex boyfriend Scott (greasy Scott, not homeless Scott). Then they flash to a picture of him. Ugh. You know how when you were a little kid, and they had those capsules of gooey slime in the 25 cent machines at the grocery store, and you’d play with the goo, but after you were done you’d have that gross watery residue on your hands? Scott is that gross watery residue, but…personified.
Then, we’re back to the fact that Kim doesn’t drink. She calls the other two “drunks” when they’re out partying…well…yeah…but what’s wrong with that? Nothing. So Kourtney wants Kim to get “loose as a goose”. Is that the phrase? Or is it “loose off the Goose”? Who cares? Nothing makes me happier than getting someone who “never” drinks, completely wasted, because those are the ones that are obliterated after only a few drinks, and you’re still sober enough to remember all of the insanely stupid things that they’re doing. So, I’m fully supportive of Operation Wasted Kim.
After they tell her that she sucks on ice, Kim runs inside to call her Mommy. She asks if Kris thinks she’s a wet blanket, and Kris says, “It’s not that you’re boring, it’s that you just aren’t the life of the party…” HA! So Kim responds, “saying that I’m ‘not the life of the party’ is the same as saying I’m boring, right?” Yes Kim, that is what we call a euphemism. It’s like a stripper calling herself a “dancer”, or a janitor calling himself a “sanitation engineer”. We use them sometimes in society, when we feel badly for a person we have no reason to feel badly for. This is why people call you a “socialite” instead of a whore. Euphamisms are everywhere!
We’re back in the studio with S.K. , and the setup looks marginally less skank-a-rific now. Kourtney comes in, and they all banter about sex toys and then Khloe is like “so anyway, we’re holding open auditions at D-A-S-H for anyone who wants to date my sister!” Even though she spreads like butter, sometimes I really love S.K. She’s such an insensitive bitch.
Later, after storming out of the studio angrily, Kourtney decides that the damage is done and so she’s going to try to have fun with the auditions, so the festivities commence. Hey! Some of these guys aren’t that bad! But of course, our little Princess Kourt is having none of it, and understandably so, because what kind of guy waits in line to try to win a date with someone they know they have no chance with? Oh…the kind who wants to be on television, in which case, why would Kourtney want to date them anyway? It really is a waste of her time, but it makes for great T.V.
We then flash to the gang having dinner and GASP Kim orders a drink…and then another…and then another…and Khloe is like “she’s gonna get sick, and I hate when new drunks are sick.” True that.
We’re treated to a whole slew of “Kim downing drinks” clips, and before you know it…the chick can’t even stand. She’s falling over lounges, and dancing on tables, and giving crotch shots for Perez… I love it. I love it because I’m not the one hauling her ass to the car, or holding her hair back, and taking her shoes off and tucking her into bed.
The next morning S.K. and Kourtney tell Kim to wake up and smell the vomit, because she has a photo shoot that she has to go to. When she wakes up they tell her that they hated having to take care of her drunk self, and she responds by saying, “Well how do you think I’ve felt, because I’ve had to do it every day of your life!”…Yeah…I could definitely 4-year-old S.K. knocking back a few shots…
Later on, S.K. is badgering Kourtney to go on a date with a sexy Cuban. She calls said Cuban, and tells him that he should “get ready to bone.” Ugh, soggy soggy cookies…Anyway, Kourtney tells S.K. that she really isn’t feeling this whole idea of dating someone who isn’t dripping with oil and bodily fluids, and S.K. says that she’s being totally evil. Yes S.K., because Kourtney not wanting to date some guy she’s never met is sooo evil, while putting your sister on blast to the entire world, and then setting her up with someone who she doesn’t even like, all so that you can watch her crash and burn isn’t?
Oh wait, is this the guy from the auditions? I liked him. He has a pretty face, and a nice bod but, he doesn’t drink. Boo. Anyway, they’re boring. Kourtney goes home to a disappointed S.K., and tells her that she wants to call Greasemuffin Scott. And everyone in America throws their hands up in the air and says “Wtf?” and then S.K. starts spanking Kourtney…but we can all assume that she ended up calling Scott because now she’s preggers with his Greasebaby.
My thoughts on the show: A show about trendy girls living in a city, that begins with the main character spewing thoughts on men and sex, and ends with everyone learning a valuable lesson about the inner strength it takes to survive friendships and relationships, all while wearing 5-inch-heels. Well this is a premise I’ve never heard before…Bravo producers. Bravo.