Auditiongasm Special: Gossip Girl One Round Smackdown: Recap Two

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Darlings! Seeing this post was like spotting a shining beacon of light in the darkness. I too have taken a little hiatus from this show what with all the stress of starting freshman year at NYU much like a certain queen struggling to carve a throne for herself in, what was it, oh that’s right…patchouli-scented hell. Well, despite the less than apt characterization of NYU on the show, I absolutely adored catching up and am back and ready to show you what I can bring to the table as your recapper. Shall we begin?
Doubtless, the faithful among you, while somewhat amused with the star-studded, (if I may use that term loosely) affair of last week, wondered when we would get back on track with the people we truly care about. Sorry, T, there’s a time and place for your acting and it isn’t ANTM either. In case you missed anything, let’s catch up. Serena isn’t going to Brown. She’s doing something “spontaneous and crazy” at least in the opinion of the writers? Shocker. They were also pairing her with Carter for a little while but they sort of petered out. Chair (Chuck+Blair) are as cute as ever despite the awkward stumbling of the first episode and affirmations of love and adorably prevalent. Translation: They’re still the best actors on the show. Dan is still kind of boring and is still single as last week’s dates with Hillary Duff/Olivia/Kate/Are you pretending she’s that girl from Twilight? did not pan out for our poor, romantic intellectual. Well, actually I’m not quite sure about that. They kind of came to the realization it wouldn’t work. Yet, now they’re getting to know each other. Oh Dan, will you never learn to stop getting involved with bipolar blondes? On again off again, Humphrey. When it comes to relationships and weight gain, it’s not good for the health or the skin. Vanessa and Nate are…well…they’re present. Yay? Nate’s storyline was that he was with some girl named Bree for a while who apparently came from a rival clan (that also hates Carter as well as the Vanderbilt’s?) but now he kind of just pops in to talk to Dan and be…useless. Vanessa is rooming with Olivia at NYU and as far as I can tell she’s still interested in Scott (Dan’s half brother) even if he seems to be in cahoots with Georgina. What? I don’t know, I missed two episodes and suddenly everything’s a little hazy. I still hate Georgina with a fiery passion though. I’m sorry, I see Michelle Trachtenberg and my mind just goes, you were in Ice Princess. I can’t take you seriously as a villain. Basically, for some reason unknown to the sane among us, she’s got a thing for Dan. She also knows that Scott is Dan’s half brother. Vanessa knows. Conclusion: This guy Scott is horrible at keeping secrets.
Onto this episode: Rufus Getting Married. Seriously? Why do I always recap the Rufus/Lily episodes? OK, fine. Moving on. At least he can’t wear one of those hideous sweaters to his wedding. Or can he? The fact that I’m asking shows how little faith I have in him already. In our opening scene, Carter is with Serena, Bree is with Nate, Dan’s chatting online with Olivia (lame) while Gossip Girl uses song lyrics to describe love. Chuck kisses Blair awake and Rufus? Well, Rufus rolls off the couch as Lily walks down, crossing the room while pursing her lips and looking generally like a bitter, old librarian. Aw, maybe if you at least attempted not to look so scruffy?
The young lovebirds have no such problems and instead resort to bemoaning the fact that they must deal with the real world where they are not constantly pampered and spoiled. Carter and Serena enjoy breakfast together after a night of celebrating his return and discuss their money woes. Poor S, working at a real job is so hard. And all she can afford is toaster pastries. And yet they’re in a posh apartment and they still have employees (Dorota?). Je ne comprends pas.
Obviously now that we’re done with that we need to balance it out with our less affluent friends. Off to Vanessa and Dan discussing his incredibly pathetic attempts at humor talking to Olivia through Vanessa’s screen name. Why you might ask does Dan have to use her account in the first place? Well, because “Georgina pounces on his IM every time he logs on”. Vanessa suggests that he be honest with the crazy girl before this becomes another Fatal Attraction and tell her that he’s dating someone else (Olivia). He thinks this is sound advice and says he’ll email her later. And thus concludes the segment where Gossip Girl tries to sound hip and cool and mention internet lingo. Thank God. Scott hasn’t called back Vanessa so she’s a bit blue. Dan sympathizes for a moment before relating to her Olivia’s news that the toilets in Tokyo talk. Great alliteration there, Dan. Vanessa is just about as amused as I am and goes off to get coffee, only to have Georgina do that thing where people come up behind you and cover your eyes with their hands. You know, invasion of personal space. Georgina asks if Vanessa missed her. We only hear Vanessa say her name before we cut to Blair…
“The bloodsucker is back!” OK, last week with Olivia in vampire movies and now this? Like I can’t see through this ploy? Give it up, cw. I’m not watching Vampire Diaries no matter how hot the guy who plays the older brother is and saying it’s even better than Twilight isn’t helping your case very much. Blair cites the evidence of Georgina’s return as being her coffin and Louis Vuitton broom to which Nate laughs countering that vampires don’t ride brooms. Not one to be outwitted by Nate (and really, who is?) Blair responds that it’d be just like Georgina to start a mutant strain.
Chair and Brate (Bree+Nate) are enjoying Dim Sum in what appears to be a Chinese restaurant. Bree tells a charming little anecdote about bonding with her Swahili speaking roommate after not getting along at first. Blair shuts her down only to have Chuck smoothly intercede and steer the conversation back to safer waters. Bree has just been back home trying to sooth the feathers of the ruffled Buckley clan after revealing her relationship with Nate (a Vanderbilt) saying family loyalty is very important to Southerners. Blair, not one to let an opportunity pass by, chimes in with “like slavery!”. Oh B, I love you. Her mouth says she’s joking, her eyes say she’s not.
Nate asks how Serena’s doing and if she’s still with Carter. Blair continues to try and drive Bree away. Bree is trying to surreptitiously discover Carter’s whereabouts mentioning that their families vacationed together and she’s been trying to track him down, but Chuck senses she’s not revealing everything. And I’m bored. Bree tries to order for the table as she was in Shanghai last year with some of the blandest Chinese I’ve ever heard. It’s a tonal language, dear. Blair apparently understands her though, pointing out her order is not to Nate’s taste and Bree wisely backs off and excuses herself. All through this Nate is giving Blair warning looks. Some of the best acting he’s done in a while. He should speak less often. Or join the cast of a Spanish soap opera. Chuck goes off to apologize for Blair while Nate confronts Blair. She excuses her actions by saying “I know women and none of us are that nice.” So true.
Chuck locates Bree in a deserted corner on her cell apparently discussing the surety of Carter’s quick return. Chuck appeases her initial wariness, telling her that since Carter’s dating Serena, any potential enemy of Carter’s is a friend of his. Bree can’t discuss the details but tells Chuck to warn Serena to be careful and to give her a heads up if “the worm pops out of the ground”.
In the meantime, Lily is at home leafing through photo albums of her past weddings. Basically, she’s ruminating on her past bad decisions in the attempt to find someone to “make her happy” and is lumping Rufus in with all the other ne’er do wells. Serena arrives to apologize but Lily waves her off, saying she should have been there for her instead of leaving her with “another man who just doesn’t get it”. Um, remind me again what the title of this episode is? That’s what I thought. Let’s check in on the specimen of male unreliability shall we? He’s back at the apartment in Brooklyn where he tells Dan he needs to sleep in his own bed tonight and maybe longer. Uh oh. What to do? Dan, of course, calls Serena because we need to tie everyone together even more than we have been already. Ahem, I mean, because he knows how good she is at solving difficult relationship issues. She sighs deeply at the news Rufus is spending the night there because she knows all they need to do is talk and remember how much they love each other. She promises to do something. Jenny and Eric kind of just hang out and communicate with facial expressions so I’m not even going to bother with them.
Two people I wish I could ignore similarly are Vanessa and Ice Princess, I mean Georgina. They’re still at the coffee place. Seriously? What time is it? Georgina just doesn’t understand why Dan won’t respond to her or her animated e-cards. Vanessa lays it out for her. Hon, he’s just not that into you. OK, what she actually says is that a)Dan broke up with her, b) he’s seeing someone else, and c) although Vanessa tried to defend her, Georgina’s a full on crazy person. Go Vanessa. I’m starting to like you. Make it stop. Anyway, Georgina, being the full on crazy person that she is, latches onto part b of that and launches into desperately delusional mode. She then calms down telling Vanessa that she has to get Dan to dump Olivia. Why? Because Georgina was in Boston last week, met Scott, “enhanced” his wine, and got him to reveal all to her. Now, G presents Vanessa with an ultimatum. “Get Dan to dump the whore or I’m going to tell the whole world Scott’s secret.” This is bad because as Georgina puts it a) that’s the last thing he wants, b)Dan will find out that V has known his brother’s alive all along, and c) V won’t have anyone to hang out with when all the Humphrey’s hate her. Well, damn. Still hate you, but damn that was kind of awesome. Does Pat Benetar get royalties when Gossip Girl says that to Georgina Love is Battlefield? Just asking.
Vanessa gets started immediately, calling Dan and trying to convince him to break up with Olivia and get with someone from New York who he has history with. All the while, Georgina is coaching her, occasionally with the aid of a dry erase board, but because the arguments Georgina’s dreamed up are awful or Vanessa sucks at delivering them (either or both, you decide) Dan just says he has something to do and ignores her. Georgina concludes that “that was pathetic”. Ya think?
So what was that thing Dan had to do? Why, join the rest of the Humphrey/van der Woodsen clan in pairing up Lily and Rufus. They bring them both to a restaurant in such a clichéd way that Rufus says he shouldn’t have let his kids watch the Parent Trap so many times. Damn straight. It’s a good thing Jenny hasn’t followed in La Lohan’s footsteps. At least not yet. Anyway, Rufus and Lily sit down to have their meal while Dan is amazed that worked and Serena thinks she’s a genius. I can’t even… Make up your own joke. That’s too easy.
Because we’ve spent far too much time without Chair and because they still have some music left over from the Chinese restaurant, we cut to Chuck and Blair as he’s giving her a massage and they’re discussing Carter. She defends him saying he’s not as bad as Chuck thinks he is and that Carter makes Serena truly happy. Chuck simultaneously rolls his eyes, purses his lips, tenses his jaw, and broods. Spectacular. Blair moans and tells him what he’s doing is incredible. Chuck tells her he learned it from a master somewhere and that it’s called…something. I’m sorry, I can’t be bothered to try and figure out what these flat sounding words are supposed to mean. He counters her argument by telling her Serena’s deluded. Haha. Stop there. You win. He continues, saying that Carter’s not capable of genuine feelings. She maintains that the two of them are happy and domestic at Blair’s penthouse. (Well that explains the beginning.) Chuck asks why she wouldn’t tell Bree this, and she responds that he just got in and besides, she hates that future Nascar mom. Chuck tells her that what she hates is Nate moving on (true) and that Nate liking her doesn’t make her a piranha (true, but she does seem like she could be vicious) and Serena liking Carter doesn’t make him a prince (also true). Look at you, Chuck Bass, with all your wise comments. Made in a sexy bedroom voice. Losing focus… Apparently so is he as he exits the room.
Back to sunlight and the Humphreys. That wasn’t a comment on their disposition but the change in lighting. Anyway, Dan is walking with Jenny and Eric and relating his suspicions that Vanessa is trying to get him to break up with Olivia. Jenny and Eric conclude from what Dan tells them that Vanessa is interested in him. To be fair, that’s what I was thinking when Georgina helping Vanessa with her argument. No drama to be found her. He just needs to tell Vanessa he really likes Olivia.
Lily and Rufus seem to have reconciled at breakfast/lunch (I have no idea what time it is) after reminiscing about an inn they stayed in. He suggests having the wedding there as it’s more “us”. She points out the ridiculousness of Bloomberg toasting them with the cheap mugs they have there. They start arguing again. She tells him there are expectations for her as Lily Bass. He laments the fact that every time they get to a good place he does something to make her angry. She tells him it’s because he can’t compromise. I think it’s because the writers are desperately trying to make them interesting because they’re the last parents still seen on the show. Lily leaves.
Dan finds Vanessa and they launch into one of those conversations where people talk over each other at cross purposes. Dan then starts to tell her that he really likes Olivia and Vanessa concludes that he’s gotten the wrong idea, unable to cut him off before she has to finally say “Stop, stop. I’m not in love with you, you moron.” Oh, Vanessa. When did you become this awesome? Dan is left with a blank look on his face. Vanessa reveals that Georgina has been blackmailing her. Apparently there are to be no silly tricks this season. Vanessa tells him that what Georgina is holding over her is that she knows that Vanessa knows that Scott is Dan’s brother.

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(Con't)

A bland Rufus/Lily staring at the same picture of themselves together to music montage later and Rufus is at her place and Lily’s at his. They call each other and start apologizing on the phone. He loves her. She loves him. Why can’t they work it out? They decide that they’re going to stop giving themselves the time to plan and talk and question and adjust and just leap. Rufus wants to get married tomorrow. She agrees.
Wonderful! Who’s going to plan this impromptu wedding, though? Why Jenny, Serena, Dorota, Blair, and Blair’s new NYU minions, of course. The minions are making calls and calling in favors from their respective families, Jenny’s sewing a dress, and Serena and Blair are overseeing everyone’s tasks. Everything’s peachy keen, but wait! Back in Brooklyn, Vanessa and Dan are arguing. Dan says it’s only a matter of time before Georgina spills Scott’s secret and he should tell everyone now. Vanessa reminds him that a wedding is about to take place and it really isn’t the best time. Dan must go off and placate Georgina for at least another day.
Everything isn’t running as smoothly as we thought at the van der Woodsen’s as Lily has just written almost identical vows as those for her last marriage. Serena reminds her that she’s marrying her soul mate and needs to get it together. Blair interrupts, saying the mayor has agreed to expedite permits and Rufus and Lily can get married at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. Oh my God, that’s brilliant. It’s in Brooklyn but it’s gorgeous with all the flowers. Nice compromise there, writers. Everyone is properly thrilled.
Dan meanwhile is doing his best to play the suave suitor. He’s with Georgina, pretending to have missed her and to have bought into the story about Olivia and Orlando Bloom. He asks if they go could on a date or something. She takes this as meaning that he wants her to be his date to his dad’s wedding. He quickly backtracks, saying it’s a small, private event and they should do something tomorrow instead. They’re agreed and she grabs him and kisses him. He reciprocates but unfortunately for our wannabe Romeo he didn’t grab her ass like he used to and Georgina suspects him of lying.
Trouble’s a-brewing for Carter and Serena as well. She expects him to attend the wedding but just as they conclude they conversation, Chuck Bass walks in with a “choice”. He has alerted Bree and the Buckley clan to the fact that if he’s to make an appearance anywhere, it’s sure to be at the Humphrey/van der Woodsen wedding. Carter can attend the wedding facing Serena learning the truth about him and then an angry Buckley clan or he can take the one way plane ticket Chuck is providing for the last time. Making an impressive exit, Chuck finishes the last swallow of his drink and sets down the ticket and the glass before walking out.
Our simultaneous plot is being put into action as Georgina meets Scott’s bus in the pouring rain, telling him they’re off to see Vanessa. From his comments, I gather she told him something to make him think Vanessa was no longer interested. They go off to buy him a tie. How can all these people invite themselves to a wedding?
As to the wedding, the storm has dissipated and everything seems perfect. Serena worries that Carter hasn’t arrived, but Blair tells her to go off and mingle. Bree is in place to catch him if he does make an appearance but tells a slightly suspicious Nate that she’s just taking everything in and not looking for anyone. She does however, look over at Chuck and acknowledge each other and their mutual desire to see Carter defeated. Blair warns Chuck that Carter’s being more than fashionably late better not have anything to do with him. He tells her to trust that he knows what’s best. Serena’s life will be better without him so he offered Carter the easy way out. Blair defends him again saying that he’s different with Serena and that he’ll show up. Chuck says they’ll see who’s right and goes off to get a canapé. Part of me thinks that scene was just set up for him to say canapé.
Just so we don’t forget that this episode is supposed to be centered on a wedding, we cut to a bonding moment between Lily and Jenny. Jenny’s made her new stepmom-to-be a magenta/fuchsia dress with some ruffles at the neckline and tells her although it was hard to adjust at first she’s never seen her dad happier. She also mentions how beautiful Rufus’ vows are and Lily’s smile falters. So some people can’t write speeches. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t marry him. Translation: If you don’t get married, they’ll spend even more time on your storyline and I cannot have that.
At the ceremony site/mingling area Blair gloats about being right when Carter shows up to the delight of a navy-clad Serena. Might I mention that everyone is clashing in a horrible way? Bree’s in a godawful patterned orange. Blair’s in a somewhat sickly yellow. But that’s not important right now. What is important is what Carter’s doing here. He’s decided to tell Serena the truth. Before they left for Europe, he owed money to some scary people and got involved with a rich girl who fell in love with him, knowing that her family would pay off his debts if it looked like he was about to be one of them. Thus, he proposed, a wedding was planned, and all the arrangements were made. He almost went through without before his conscience interceded and knowing he didn’t love her, he disappeared. Well, that was the honorable thing to do. Wasn’t it? Serena isn’t in the mood to be understanding. She rails at him. Or really, she recites her lines while her eyes remain kind of flat and her mouth is slightly tensed which only makes it seem like she’s even more robotic. Her mother’s getting married and she doesn’t have time for this now so she walks off leaving him standing there.
Elsewhere, Georgina confronts Dan. He tries to recover from the shock and confirm that their date was for tomorrow. She tells him it is and that she just stopped by to give Rufus and Lily a wedding present. Well that doesn’t bode well for anyone. It seems like Georgina isn’t necessary when it comes to bringing a halt to the proceedings. Rufus and Lily are walking together and when he tells her she looks beautiful, she asks if they can talk (I keep thinking her outfit is one I’ve seen on a red carpet. The long jewel-toned gown, the chandelier turquoise earrings, the upswept hair.) She couldn’t write her vows when they don’t agree on anything. He asks “what happened to taking a leap” but she tells him the stakes are too high.
Back at the ceremony site, the wedding march is playing but no one appears. Serena starts apologizing for the delay (I can’t figure out if she’s wearing gray or navy and it’s bothering me) and says she’ll go check on Lily. Georgina rises from her seat to move forward. Everyone and I mean everyone follows in the same general direction to go see what’s slowing down the proceedings. Rufus and Lily are still arguing and it seems like there’s no hope for this wedding. She tells him she doesn’t think she can do it, at which point Scott (who has been eavesdropping) intercedes. Lily is upset saying they are having a private conversation at a private event and it’s no business of his to ask if there is or isn’t going to be a wedding. At her rudeness (despite his own), Scott blinks back tears (or has allergies) and walks off. Lily asks if Rufus knows him. He begins to respond saying “yes, that was…”
“Your love child,” Georgina finishes. She and everyone else finally reach Lily and Rufus at the perfect time. Having revealed Scott’s secret in a completely malicious way, Georgina scampers off. Lily is confused. Serena says not to believe Georgina who’s a liar. Jenny chimes in with “What is she even doing here?” Good point, little J. Where in the hell is security? Lily tries to confirm with Rufus that their son is dead. He says that he is and that Scott was Andrew’s brother. Dan interrupts, saying no, Scott is their son. Lily and Rufus are properly shocked when Vanessa reveals that Scott’s adoptive parents lied to them and that Scott is their son, not Andrew. Rufus is ready to charge off and find him but doesn’t know where he went. Vanessa guesses that he went back to Boston, helpfully pointing out that he takes the Chinatown bus. That thing’s a great deal by the way. I think it’s less than $20 to get from Chinatown to Boston. There are multiple buses that just make their money on cheap fare to Boston. I’ve never taken the thing myself. Why in the hell would I need to go to Boston? Anyway, now Lily and Rufus are united in their desire to find their son, though she’s walking rather awkwardly in her wedding garb as they go off in search of him and I don’t know how long she’ll last.
Serena is feeling glum and Carter tries to comfort her but she wisely rebuffs him. He tells her that he told her what he did because it’s different with her and she truly cares. She doesn’t believe him. I don’t believe him. He looks slimy. Why are his eyes like that? Does he never sleep? Or get sufficient exposure to sunlight? He looks like a tired, frightened rodent. The trouble’s not over yet. Bree is waiting once Serena walks off, flanked by her cousin Beth’s (the woman Carter proposed to then abandoned) brothers who give off an impressively grim henchman vibe. He tells her where he’ll be tonight and to not enact their revenge here. Bree lets him go but tells him they’ll be watching. Off at the refreshments table, Georgina is enjoying the spoils of victory and feeling very pleased with herself.
Rufus and Lily have not had success in locating Scott. She wants to give up. He wants to keep trying. Obviously. She’s embarrassed about the way she treated Scott, but Rufus just wants to explain and spouts off some drivel about how love can fix things. Lily tells him they both know that’s not true. He tells her that he doesn’t know that. He maintains that she’s only scared because she loves him in a way that she hasn’t loved her other husbands and that gives him the power to potentially break her heart. He knows because she’s breaking his. And I swear, I think I’ve heard this in at least 5 movies.
He walks off to continue his search for Scott, who of course, he locates at the bus stop. A tearful Scott says that coming was a mistake. His happiness at finding his parents getting back together has been crushed by discovering that they gave him up because didn’t love each other. Rufus and Lily deny this and tell him that they do love each other and they want him to be a part of their family and their lives. Lily apologizes to Rufus and Scott and asks him to give them a chance. Lily and Scott hug. Group hug. It’s all very cute, if clichéd, until Gossip Girl chimes in with “A family reunited and it feels so good”. Ugh. Really? Killed the moment.
Rufus and Lily then get married in a little ceremony (much like the one Blair’s parents had) in a corner with a lot of strategically placed lights and everyone huddles around them. She manages perfectly adequate vows. Yay. So Georgina really didn’t ruin anything. What? So the entire purpose of that plotline was just to introduce Scott as their son in a credible way. What? So now he’s just another boring Humphrey. Great. Eric and Jenny are happy to have someone else to play board games with. Dan and Scott seem to be in a good place. Scott’s returning to Boston but he’ll be back, perhaps for the holidays.
The other van der Woodsen-Humphrey’s are not doing so well. Chuck locates Serena who is still upset. Although he’s spent this episode trying to bring him down, Chuck acknowledges the risk Carter incurred by attending a wedding with Buckleys present. He tells Serena that Carter must really care about her. Serena begins to worry that the Buckleys might hurt Carter. Wrapping up the rest of the loose ends in this storyline, Nate confronts Bree after speaking with Blair. He accuses her of using him to get to Carter. She doesn’t deny it and says the fact that he’s a Vanderbilt and she’s a Buckley will always come first. She tells him she’s sorry. He tells her to leave. Ouch. Serena calls to check in on Carter but he’s too busy riding in the back of car with the imposing Buckley brothers to answer.
So all’s well that ends well, right? Dan says everything’s perfect except Georgina got away unscathed. Blair tells him not to be so sure of that as she slips into Chuck’s arms and they dance. We cut to Georgina drinking a bar. She is approached by a Prince Alexei from Belarus with a rather bad accent and a charming demeanor. Well, charming enough for Georgina’s delusional self. He kisses her hand and tells her he’s flying back to his home country to celebrate his new oil line. She, unsuspecting of any trap, agrees to go with him and they exit. But wait! The woman under the head scarf hiding her face behind a menu…Is that Dorota? I’m not sure yet how this is revenge but kudos to Blair for thinking ahead and insuring something happens to Georgina.
So what do y’all think? Did I do the show sufficient justice? Are you beginning to get into the new season or do you prefer the earlier ones? Are they trying to juggle too many storylines at once? Whose relationship do you want to succeed (Dan/Olivia, Serena/Carter, Vanessa/Scott, Nate/Bree)? Do any of them even matter now that we have Chuck and Blair together?

Hopefully until next time,

Ciao…

[Ricardo44]

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