Treasure Hunters Recap Part 1

[Tabby Lavalamp]

I thought the bed & breakfasts in the United States looked swanky, but this time around the hunters were staying at Eastwell Manor in England.
The frontrunning teams after last week were standing around a table that was inexplicably outside on what appeared to be a chilly and windy day enjoy nice cups of tea. A cheer broke out when the Geniuses arrived, and Kristen of the Miss USA said they were happy to see them because they are their friends. Even more importantly, either the Fogals or the Air Force would be eliminated? You can tell us, Kristen!
When the Air Force contestabots came around the corner the mood was a lot less jovial. As John Southie said, they were actually hoping to see Brad and Margie Fogal walk in. But what about Kayte, John? What about Kayte?
The teams were being nice to the contestabots, but they weren't happy. How can their pitiful human bodies compete against the finest technology secret government labs have to offer?
Air Force Mechanized Contestabot: Male Variant - Version 2, or Manbot2 as he shall now be known, in his collected data download said that at this point they're not going to access their programming on working together with other teams. They just want to win that treasure so they can get that chrome plating they always talked about.
The next message from Laird was disappointing. Everyone was already dressed and sitting around a table enjoying his dreamy visage together. Damn it, I loved when they woke the contestants up in the middle of the night. We need more of that! They're already getting complacent. I can see it in their eyes, that feeling of safety and that Laird would never do that to them again. Ooooh, if they think that then they don't know the naughty trickster that is Laird Macintosh! He's more than just a disembodied host, I'll have you know.
To get their next artifact, the teams are going to have to find the secret headquarters of a centuries old secret society that bound America's Founding Fathers. Messages hiding in plain sight in art and in nature will show them the way. The search begins where Viva Frattatta (I didn't quite hear what he said, so this may be wrong) ends in Peille, France. Didn't they just leave France? That's harsh, Laird, making them go back and forth like that.
Arriving in Nice, France, they jump into their cars and immediate head towards Peille. Or so says Genius Charles. I've got my eye on that weasel. If he tries to pull that evil nerd act again...
The Air Force contestabots at some point updated their driving softwar and zipped along passing all the other hunters, though the Ex-CIAs had only themselves to blame as they missed where they should turn. Double-0 Mark (licensed to grill) said their Achille's Heel is navigation. No kidding. One of the reasons they are Ex-CIA instead of current is that they were once assigned to overthrow the villainous ruler of a small South American country and ended up deposing the mayor of Boise, Idaho.
Via Ferrata! I was close. Thank you for the sign, Laird. I know you're not directly responsible for it being shown, but you're too handsome not to thank.
All the teams were running around when a phone rang. Motorola message? You bet! Oh sweet, luscious Laird, once more we get to see you grace our televisions along with that awfully fake Motorola screen graphic!
The next goal for the teams is in cave up on top of some cliffs thousands of feet above sea level. Every team member must make this climb, Laird said, followed by "I'm talking to you, Genius Sam." He didn't add that, but the shot of the Geniuses showed the producers were certainly thinking it.
There is an option though. 150 miles away (yeesh, it's France! Use metric! That would be 241.4 kilometers, which is quite a distance (Regina to Saskatoon is 257 km!)) is Saint-Tropez where there is a statue of Pierre-André de Suffren where they could find an alternate route. Lairdy-wairdy also mentioned that the "secret society" used the symbol of an inverted rose to indicate that there was hidden treasure nearby. The first team to locate the symbol would find a treasure worth $50,000 (39,076.18 Euros as of this writing).
Miss Kristen asked Miss Realivision 2006, Melissa Witek, what she thought, and Melissa was considering how hard it would be. Miss Kaitlyn told the camera about how Melissa had hurt her arm when they were digging and at this point they didn't know how bad it was. She then said that on July 17th, Realivision would bring you this story first, well before it was aired. Kaitlyn's psychic abilities are surprisingly awesome!
Melissa didn't want the team to lose by making the trip to St. Tropez, but they wouldn't hear of it and Kristen announced that they would be driving. Have I mentioned I really like this team?
Genius Sam, he of the asthma and poor physical shape, then brought up to his team the possibility of not making it up and how much it could hurt them if they were to get half-way up and then have to drop down and drive all the way to St. Tropez. He then mentioned to the camera that he is terrified of heights and can't even sleep on the top bunk of a bed.
Then he came back... Darth Chuck! The evil Chucky would have none of that and said, leaving no room for argument, that they would be climbing up the mountain. And if they get stuck, Chuck will have no problem eating Sam and using his bones to construct a ladder to help him get to the top. That's why he didn't leave Sam behind at the swamp! Chuck needed to ensure he had an emergency food source! Oooooh, the evil! The maniacal genius!
I'm on to you, Darth Chuck.
As the Southies, Air Force, and Geniuses were making their ascent, the Ex-Spooks were just arrived in town. Wow, did they ever get lost.
In the car on the way to St. Tropez, Miss Realivision 2006, Melissa Witek, felt horrible over getting hurt. Kristen assured her it was likely the best move that they made because the Geniuses would have a hard time with the climb.
Making their way quickly up the mountain were Team Air Force, whose enhanced servo-mechanisms and vertical tracking sensors helped them start mounting a lead over their fleshy rivals. Manbot2 noted that even with their advanced technology it was difficult and he was concerned about how Womanbot would handle it. They are joined together by a dedicated network until their warranties expire, and he wouldn't want that to happen for a long time. He does greatly admire the workmanship of the engineers who assembled her.
In second place were the Southies, who have done such a great job scaling my rocky heart this should be a breeze. John Southie is saying something about his heart beating and wanting to catch the Air Force, but I've got the show paused here just to enjoy the picture.
Lucky that the Ex-Spooks got lost, the Geniuses are still holding third place and Sam is having a rough time of it, his voice raspy and his breath not sounding good. Chuck gives him some words of encouragement though. "Get up here and get climbing!" Is it wrong of me to hope Chuck loses his footing? At least Genius Francis gave him an "Atta boy, Sam," checked to see if he was okay, and told him to take a rest. Chuck looked very pissed by this and appeared to be considering pulling out his lightsaber and striking Sam down. You do that, Darth Chuck, and he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Sam has never had to face his fears like this before, and Francis told him they'll get him through if he just tries, treating him like a, oh, I don't know... friend.
Finally the Ex-CIAs made it to the climb, so if Sam slowed down the Geniuses enough, they just might catch up.
The Air Force made it to the cave first and found a ring of keys and a picture of a castle that had the words "Retire la Pierre" on it. This could only mean it's time for a LairdCall.
The keys would help them unlock the mysteries of the secret society somewhere along their search. The picture on the parchment is a clue to where they will find their next location that will put them on the trail to the headquarters of the secret society and the $50,000 treasure.
Outside of the castle, they then scanned the picture and started running off, trusting in their in-built GPS units but no! They didn't need them as one of the Manbots spotted the castle.
In beautiful St. Tropez, the Miss USAs started their search for the statue of Pierre-André de Suffren. Doing some exposition for the camera, Melissa stumbled on the name. If only she could copy and paste like I've been doing.
I don't know about the editing but it seemed like they found the statue pretty quickly and from there got their clue.
Everything for them had been going so smoothly, according to Kristen, that they felt they ended up taking the better option unlike those poor people climbing the mountain.
Cut back to the Geniuses.
Sam was still struggling as the Spy Guys were making their ascent. As they were gaining ground, it looked like Sam had enough. Chuck said they waited five minutes and nothing, all they could hear was heavy breathing. Sorry, my fault. That wasn't Sam, I still had the picture paused on John Southie.
He asked his teammates how they got up that part, and Francis told him to think of what he wants most in life. Think of his parents. A college-aged nerd? He's not thinking of his parents. He's thinking of what it would be like to kiss a girl, and how his level 23 Paladin kicks ass in Dungeons and Dragons.
The other two made it to the top and Sam gave it one big push. Francis called down and said, "Jessica Biel's gonna see this and she's gonna say 'Screw 7th Heaven, I want seven minutes in heaven with Sam Corana!'" Aside from the cheese, wow, what a strangely dated reference to make. I've never watched the show and even I know she left it years ago, and hasn't it just been cancelled? Regardless, it worked and Sam made it to the top. Anytime I see people facing and beating their fears, I'm highly impressed. Way to go, Sam!
Interestingly enough, in the interview that followed he said that if he didn't have a good friend like Francis along to encourage him, he doesn't think he would have been able to do it. Note whose name is missing? Sure, Chuck, you may one day take over the world, but you won't have any friends to show for it.
Francis was shown in an interview too and he called his teammates is brother. He said they bled together, they sweat together, they climbed together, they die together. A tad over the top, but he put the cherry on top of this sundae of creamy macho nonsense with "That's how we roll".
As the Air Force was approaching the castle, the Southies were finished with the cave and came out to look for their target. They weren't sure if they'd be able to spot it from there, but Marty No Pants (don't worry if you don't get it, it's a shout out to a couple of people) saw it in the distance.
This is one of my beefs with the editing of an otherwise fantastic show. The Ex-CIAs at this point are still in fourth place and we see them uncovering the clues in the cave. So what about the Geniuses? It's good to not be repetitive but at least a few seconds just to show that they were there would be nice.
At the castle, the Air Force found the location where the picture was taken. Manbot2 scanned the walls and noted some loose rocks that didn't compute. He reached in behind one and found their next clue. We're then shown that "Retire la Pierre" translates to "Remove the Rock". They unrolled the parchment that they found and it said, "The Ancient Roman Ruin crumbles on the hillside in La Turbie." It turns out the keys weren't needed here, which they computed would throw people off. "Those fleshbags won't stand a chance against our mechanical might!"
The Southies arrived at the spot and John started trying out the different keys in a lock in a gate. Matthew started looking at the empty holes in the wall (look behind the loose rocks!) and Marty No Pants found where the picture was taken.
John tried every one of the keys and none of them worked. They started walking away but Matthew wanted them to look at the picture again. Martin said that all it was for was to get them from the one point to the other.
The Geniuses and Ex-CIAs both spotted the castle and started heading off towards it when we went back to the Miss USAs who were 25 miles (40.2 km) away from Peille. Kaitlyn said they had no idea how long it would have taken everyone to climb so she felt they really could make it.
A quick glimpse to Team Air Force in their car who were pleased to have been able to give their gears a good workout and it was back to the teams at the castle.

[Tabby Lavalamp]

The Geniuses and Southies came together and the Geniuses joined with the Southies as they were already walking away from the castle. The Ex-CIAs saw them and didn't even bother checking out the castle because of this. The Southies told them they tried every key and none of them worked, so they all headed off together. Martin didn't seem to be very pleased by this in an interview because none of them knew at that time where the Miss USAs were.
We, however, knew they were in Peille as they had the picture and found the castle so started heading off towards it.
In La Turbie, we are shown the Trophy of the Alps and the Air Force arriving at the entrance. They climbed to the top of the ruins and scanned the surrounding area but their ocular devices were unable to pick up where they should go.
Back in Peille, the Miss USAs arrived at the castle. About 1.5 miles away, the other three teams weren't sure where to go. Double-0 Mark (licensed to grill) suggested the Southies go check up one trail, the Geniuses another trail, and they would go back to the castle and they would meet back there in five to ten minutes. Someone, possibly one of his teammates (it was all backs of heads from what we could see), said it was a long walk down there and it didn't make any sense to go back. Darth Chuck said the secret society loves nature, that's why they have to go up the mountain. A Southie, I think Martin, asked if the girls would have to come back and get the same clue, to which someone replied that he thinks so.
Which brought us to the women who were looking at the walls of the castle. Melissa pulled a rock out of a hole and put it right back in, which brought back scary memories of her one bad mistake in the tunnel in New York but it could be that there was just nothing behind that rock. They were obviously hungry as they started talking about ordering pizza when Miss Realivision 2006, Melissa Witek, looked behind another rock and found the clue! Whoo hoo! This put them firmly in second place, and to all the haters who are down on them for working with others to advance but have nothing to say about the other teams that do it... IN YOUR FACES!
If I may get serious for a moment here I would like to address that. There have been a lot of teams in the hunt helping each other out. The Fogals and the Air Force worked together several times, and the Miss USAs, Southies, Ex-CIAs, and Geniuses have all worked together throughout the game. For some reason the Pageanteers seem to be getting the brunt of the criticism even though they have been pulling their own weight. The only reason I can think of is that they are a team of young, attractive women and people need to fit them into the vision they had of them before the game started with a touch of sexism. How well would the Ex-CIAs be doing without working with the others? Yet they don't seem to get the criticism the Miss USAs have. It's bull that the women get singled out like that.
The other three teams were some two miles away and had been searching for over two hours, going over every trail and coming to dead ends everywhere. Where else could the clue be? They didn't know. Will they find it after the commercial break?
Double-0 Todd (licensed to chill) suggested they go back to the castle as it made no sense to wander around aimlessly. He wasn't pleased that the Southies and Geniuses led them on what was basically a two hour hike based on a hunch.
The nine knuckleheads (I love that word, Marty No Pants!) headed back down to the castle and it didn't take them long to find the clues behind the rocks. Double-0 Mark (licensed to grill) said this created a lot of tension as they didn't know if they were fighting for last place as nobody knew where Team Miss USA was.
Driving to La Turbie the Miss USAs were no more aware of where they were in the standings either, but they knew they did everything in a timely manner, needed to keep cool heads, and just enjoy themselves.
At the Trophy of the Alps, the Air Force was processing the clue about the ancient Roman ruin crumbling on the hillside. They accessed their databases and recognized what a hillside looks like, and it was where the Trophy was crumbling. Sure enough they then found the inverted rose. They searched the area until they spotted a box and found their next clue as well as the $50,000 treasure. They were very pleased as they could now afford those upgrades they've been wanting.
The phone rang and Womanbot said, "Hey, we've got a message." WARNING! WARNING! ABORT! ABORT! URGENT CHECK PRODUCT PLACEMENT SUBROUTINES! POSSIBLE SYSTEM FAILURE! WARNING! WARNING! Air Force Mechanized Contestabot: Female Variant didn't say they've got a Motorola message! Who answers answers the phone these days without saying they've got a Motorola message? This is wrong! So very, very wrong! Excuse me, I need to take a moment to compose myself and wipe the tears from my eyes...
Anyway Laird, seeming a little stunned by this himself, said they found the treasure and their next clue, an old map of Paris. They must now fly their and once they arrive it is up to them to find their next location.
On the way to La Turbie, Double-0 Todd is steamed. He may be licensed to chill, but he's not chilling now. He knew they should have gone to where the image of the castle was and the group decision bull is pissing him off. "We could be dead last right now." If only they knew what a lead Team Miss USA had.
Speaking of whom, the Pageanteers arrived at the Trophy of the Alps and did much the same things as the Air Force did, including climbing to the top. Miss Kaitlyn looked at the crumbling side and suggested they go back down and look around there. They found the inverted rose but no clue yet.
I understand editing to make things exciting is a must in these shows, but we now see the Southie Boys arrive at the Trophy. Are they really that close behind or did they arrive after the Miss USAs left? In the woods, the women found the box with the maps. On the phone, Laird informs them that the treasure is already gone (but they should know they're doing well by all the other maps still there). Miss Melissa told the camera that they proved to themselves they can make it on their own without information from the other teams, and she feels like they can make it on their own for the rest of the game. Anyway, they headed off to the airport and if the Southies really were that close behind them, wow, what a close miss.
The last three teams were now at the Trophy together and all climbed to the top and decided to go back down again. They looked in the woods and all found their maps. They saw that the treasure was gone, and Double-0 Mark (licensed to grill) said nobody knew yet where the Air Force or Miss USAs were. I'm not sure if any of them noticed that after they all took their maps, there were none left which should have indicated that the women were in front of them. If I were a producer, I'd be a devious sort who would put more clues than needed in a spot and I'd make it random to really keep teams in the dark because that's how I roll. That was for you, Genius Francis!
The Air Force obviously arrived in Paris first and were looking at their map. Written in big red letters under a big red X was "Champs de Mars" which Manbot2 tells us is a park right by the Eiffel Tower so they decide that's where they have to go.
Arriving there, they receive a MOTOROLA message from hunky Laird, and they didn't even comment that they got a message. Maybe they have a virus, I don't know. Someone needs to do a system scan. What's important right now though is Laird tells them that the secret society was made up of world leaders, philosophers, and artists, one of whom created a classic symbol of American freedom that can be seen from the second level of the Eiffel tower, they should look to the west and all will be revealed.
They got up to the second level and started to look west, a direction that was helped by the setting sun. After searching the surrounding area one of them spotted it, a miniature version of the Statue of Liberty.
As we see them preparting to leave the tower, the Miss USAs arrived at the airport. They looked at their map and saw that they should head to the Eiffel Tower.
Back to the Air Force, they got to the Mini-Liberty statue where a plaque was mounted that said, "They hid beneath the streets of Paris. Clean the streets of Paris to find your path."
There were buckets on ropes by the bank of the river, so they proceded to get some water (I hope their skin was made waterproof or we could see one of them short cirquit very soon). "Wash the streets," Manbot1 said. There are streets all over Paris so it didn't make any sense. They walked around a bit, putting all their processor power into trying to figure the clue out.
Now at the airport the last three teams arrived and they headed off to the Metro. They headed off to the Eiffel Tower and still nobody was sure what place they were in.
The Air Force were still walking about trying to figure out the clue when Womanbot asked about that map they had, and Manbot2 mentioned it was made of a weird material so they decided to wash it. They scrubbed at it and poured the water right on and sure enough the map washed away revealing the name "Rosicrucian Order" a picture of a cross in a triangle in a circle and the words, "To the rose through the cross, to the cross through the rose. In this and everything is a resurgent jewel," and the name of a chateau where they must now go. Apparently the symbol on the clue was the same as one on a key, so they figured they would use that key there. Glorious Laird told them that they have uncovered the symbol of the ancient order as well as their secret headquarters. There are cars waiting for them by the statue.
Paris at night and particularly the Eiffel Tower seem to be very beautiful and the Miss USAs appreciated this as they were coming up to it. They got their LairdCall and went up to the second level. We got a camera shot of the statue and it was a hell of a lot harder to make out when it's dark than it was when the sun was still up and this was with a zoom lens.
On the Metro the other teams are looking at the map and they are noticing that it's not on a typical kind of material. John suggested pouring some water on it so he took a bottle and tried it out. Sure enough the colour came off and suddenly all three teams are saved a heck of a lot of time for when they get to the statue.
Double-0 Mark said they were tempted to go straight to that location but they didn't know how to get there so they decided to keep heading towards the Eiffel Tower.
It's been bugging me for a while who Mark looks like. For some reason he keeps reminding me of actor Richard Dreyfuss but that didn't quite seem right. It's just clicked now. He looks like the lovechild of Richard Dreyfuss and David Letterman! I didn't think such a thing was possible, especially considering how close in age he seems to be to them, but dagnabit, way to go medical technology!
Up on the Eiffel Tower, the Miss USAs were cold and frustrated to they decided to go back down. In the gift shop (getting warmth and food, according to Melissa, Miss Kristen was looking at a rack of postcards when she spotted one that had a picture of the Statue of Liberty with the Tower in the background. They walked out, looked in the right direct, and were now able to see the statue.
Team Air Force arrived at the Chateau D'Omonville in Normandy, which a Google search shows really is the headquarters of the Rosicrucian Order. When they got out of their car, the phone rang and Womanbot
said, "We've got a phone message." Who says that? Nobody! It's "Motorola message", damn it! By now a team of highly trained engineers and programmers must be on the way to find out why her product placement subroutine has gone haywire! This is madness! Won't somebody please make everything right again? What if her "must not harm humans" programming fails? Nothing is more dangerous than a contestabot that's breaking down!
There even seems to be a drop of sweat on Laird's steely brow as he tells them that this is the site of the sixth artifact. They've been carrying many keys, one of which will open a lock inside the chateau. Five teams remain but there are only four artifacts inside. They then went in and started searching.
Meanwhile the Miss USAs arrived at the statue and found the clue about the streets of Paris. They tried cleaning a spot where the buckets were, but come on, the Air Force were thinking the same thing too and the other teams lucked out into not having to do this search.
As for the other teams, they were walking through Paris and had to find the Tower, so they went to Ask.com. That's why humans are great, they don't forget their product placement obligations. When they arrived at the location, a phone rang and Chuck said, "Hey guys, we got a Motorola message." Darth Chuck, Dark Lord of the Sith, pure unadulterated evil and even he remembers to plug the sponsors! Oh how he must laugh at the droids and their faulty circuits.
Laird tells them they have solved the secret of the map so they can procede directly to the society's headquarters. There are cars waiting for them at the Statue of Liberty.
What the ffffffffuuuuudge? I get that they already have the next clue, but they should at least have to find the friggin' location of the cars! I really don't think the producers thought ahead enough to what they should do if someone finds a clue before its time and were left scrambling to think of what should happen next. This is bullcrap and really isn't fair to the teams who had to go up the Tower to search for the Statue of Liberty following the same clues as the others. It would be different if they already had transportation, but they didn't.
Team Miss USA were at the statue trying to figure out the clues, but the other teams saw the cars before reaching it so they saved time by not going right there and they also didn't bump into the Pageanteers. This isn't looking good for the women.
At the chateau, the Air Force searched until they found a closet that one of the keys opened, and inside were padlocked chests. They opened them up until they found one that contained another box, and in that box was the next artifact, a cryptex (the link may lead to a possible spoiler, so don't click on it if you don't want to know exactly what a cryptex is). He then told the team to head back to camp and wait for further instructions.
Which brings me to something else I want to mention. Laird keeps telling teams to head "back to camp", yet only once did they stay at an actual camp. All the rest of the time it's been swanky bed & breakfasts or English country manors. "Camp" implies that they may be roughing it a bit, instead of the coddling they've received so far.
In Paris, the Miss USAs were still having some trouble with the clue and were taking it literally. If nothing else, the City of Lights has never been cleaner.
But what's this? The Southies in a car and the location given by their graphic? "Lost." No! My dream final two is the Southies and Miss USAs! However, they do seem to be following the Ex-CIAs - a foolish idea, I know - so there's still a chance!
The Geniuses were following The Force though and arrived at the chateau first. They found the chests, opened one up and it contained a bag of sand.
Sitting at the foot of the Statue of Liberty, Melissa mentioned the map and how it only had two streets written on it so Kaitlyn asked if she wanted to look at it. When they pulled the map out, everything clicked and they washed it off finding their next clue. Being good sports, they had a good laugh about it and started to head off.
Coming back from commercial, two cars were pulling up when the Geniuses found their clue. Shortly after the Ex-CIAs and Southies then found theirs.
Damn.
Back in Paris the Miss USAs didn't even get to leave the statue when their phone ring, prompting Kristen to say she doesn't want to see Laird. Sure enough, they are the sixth team to be eliminated. There are tears, but they send us off with a laugh as Melissa said "This is not the outfit I wanted to be eliminated in!"
This show is all about clues, but how about Clue? The Miss USAs were done away with by John Southie in the Metro with the Water Bottle. You can't blame John though. It was one of his best moments finding the clue like he did, when he did. It was the producers who are at fault in letting everyone skip a step like that. I have no problem with a team, even one I like, being fairly eliminated but there was nothing fair about the three teams being told where to find the cars like that.
Melissa has been a good friend to this blog and fair elimination or not, this was a tough one. I'm very proud of how well they did and they were kicking butt for most of this leg. I wish the three of you all of the best in your future endeavours and all the happiness in the world.
One thing I like to do is look for that silver lining, and if you're going to be eliminated, where better than in Paris at night by the lights of the Eiffel Tower?

[Tabby Lavalamp]

Hmph.

"Dear writer,

Thank you for your recap submission for the television show, Treasure Hunters. Unfortunately, we are not currently in the market for Treasure Hunters recappers. If you are interested in writing about a show that has a hope in hell of coming back for another season, we would be pleased to take a look at your work.

Sincerely,
The TVgasm Head Honchos"

Bastards.

[zevonia]

If it's any consolation, Tabby Lavalamp, I liked the show and thought your recaps were really good. Just the right mix of humour and info. And who knows, if the Gilligan's Island reality show can get two seasons, why can't Treasure Hunters?

[Tabby Lavalamp]

Thank you, and it's nice to know I'm not the sole TH fan around here. :)

[Karo]

Thank you, and it's nice to know I'm not the sole TH fan around here. :)

Uh huh, there are TWO of you!

[zoobabe]

at least the bastards POSTED your recap Tabby...:(