Auditiongasm Special: Gossip Girl One Round Smackdown: Recap Four

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Ahoy there Gasmii!

Rocksmiles here, and super “smizing” at how excited I am to be doing just what I’m doing at this very moment: Preparing to recap what is admittedly my guilty pleasure/Achilles heel/reason for wasting an entire hour every Monday evening…drum roll…Gossip Girl! Oh the joy! Oh the rapture! Oh the kinky teenaged sexcapades! After spending a summer satiating my craving for hot, young guys in expensive suits with the moaning and whining of those hideous “NYC Prep” trolls, I welcomed “Gossip Girl” with open arms; like the first steak I had after breaking up with my vegetarian boyfriend of two years. And let me tell you, admitting that you aren’t strong enough to resist temptation of meat or sexy teen soap operas…quite delicious.



This week we have the nuptials of Rufus and Lily, as well as the return of Scott, and the possible reveal of his true identity. Juicy. We begin this week’s episode with Gossip Girl (hereto referred to as “GG” for typing time purposes) explaining that “some say love is a river…some say love is a silly song…and time is rose which opens…and America is the largest producer of waste in the world…and bears shit in the woods…” and a bunch of other things that everyone knows, and still nobody cares about. Really, does anyone actually listen to what GG says anymore? Unless she’s going to gossip blast the world about something important, like why Eric has the least amount of screen time, even though he’s arguably the most likeable character, then I don’t care. GG does her thang over shots of the various couples; Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Dan and his computer…Oh, whoops, as it turns out Dan is actually instant messaging Hilary Duff, who he’s dating, which proves exactly how cool Dan really is. He messages her something about saying hello Godzilla because she’s in Tokyo and then, I kid you not, he actually looks up from the computer (which is sitting, precariously, on top of a yellow newspaper dispenser) and does the goofiest, cheesiest, most obnoxious smile in the history of smiles. You know that guy that has never really done anything to you personally, but when you see them you inexplicably just want to punch them as hard as humanly possible in the nuts? Dan is that guy. We then cut to a shot of Chuck kissing Blair softly on the lips, and I have nothing bad to say about them because I live out all of my romantic fantasies vicariously through their fictional relationship. Is that sad?



Cut back to Serena and Carter at the breakfast table. Serena compliments Carter on his Pop-Tart toasting skills. Ooh, watch out “Top Chef”, here comes Carter! Something about the scene strikes me as odd, and I think it’s that Carter is wearing a t-shirt. Males on this show should never, ever under any circumstances wear t-shirts; attire is always both a dress shirt and jacket if you’re from the Upper East Side, or a flannel if you’re from Brooklyn, I don’t care what time of day it is. And, if you’re just waking up, you should be shirtless (Chuck Bass is permitted to wear a silk robe, because from what I’ve heard Ed Westwick has been packing on some pounds.) All this aside, Carter is adorable. I like him because he’s like a Chuck/Nate morphchild, and it’s hot. He tells Serena that he didn’t get any money from his “poker buddies”, and Serena says that working for Tyra Banks isn’t nearly as lucrative as being Lily’s daughter. Really Serena? Great observation! She says that all she can afford at the moment are Pop-Tarts. Well Serena, if you went to COLLEGE instead of traipsing around NYC trying to “find yourself” in the same city that you’ve grown up in, you’d at least have a meal plan. Zing!



Dan the Douche is still tap-tapping away to Hilary Duff when Vanessa, in all her WeavyWonder glory, interrupts his virtual flirt session. Seeing her gives me the sudden urge to go buy a ticket to “Good Hair”. They discuss the craziness that is Georgina, and Dan says that he doesn’t know how to be any clearer that he doesn’t want to date her, and frankly he’s scared she might go Kathy Bates on his ass. (I’d actually like to see Dan have his ankles broken, but that’s just me.) Dan asks if Vanessa has talked to Scott, and she says no, and he says “yeah, it’s weird…me and Scott were almost, like, related.” Sometimes I really hate watching television shows, and knowing the truth about certain things, because then it makes it seem as though the characters on the show are just complete idiots for NOT realizing the truth. Generally speaking of course, because in this case the characters actually are all idiots. As Vanessa is ordering a non-fat latte at the coffee shop, The Craziness herself comes up behind Vanessa and covers her eyes, and asks if she’s been missed by all. Creeper.



At Dim Sum, Chuck and Blair (or King Bass and Queen Bee, as I will refer to them) are having lunch with Nate and Bree. Why haven’t Nate’s man bangs made a comeback yet? I understand that he’s supposed to be older and more mature, but I demand the return of my favorite, fluffed, Southern Swooped coiffure! Queen Bee reveals that The Craziness has returned, and much to her (and my) chagrin, Bree pipes in about an experience with her own roommate. I hate Bree. I actually might hate her squeaky rubber duck voice and weird face more than I hate Hilary Duff’s unwelcome infiltration of this show, and that is saying A LOT. She tells the group about how she and her roommate didn’t see eye-to-eye until one day she bought her roommate ice cream cupcakes, and they bonded over their subsequent purging sessions. Bree also says that she spent some time with her family trying to explain to them why she’s dating a Vanderbilt. She states, “Family is really big in the south.” To which Queen Bee responds, “Like slavery!” Oh.My.God. Blair, I’m not gay, but marry me. To cut through the tension, Nate intelligently asks about the relationship between Carter and Serena. What a gem, this Nate is. Bree gets a little too interested in the subject of Carter, and King Bas takes notice. On a somewhat unrelated note, you know what would be awesome? If fictional characters could star in shows other than their own. Like, if Chuck Bass made a cameo in “Glee” as a recently bankrupt teenager forced to go back to public school and ended up joining the Glee Club. Kind of like how in daytime soap operas certain characters are on two different shows and—sorry about that, I get kind of carried away with my ideas. Anywho, Bree excuses herself from the table, and King Bass follows her to ask about her interest in Cartier (I just accidentally typed “Cartier” instead of Carter, but I think I’ll stick with Cartier as a nickname for Carter because he’s just so classy) and she tells him that she can’t get into specifics, but it King Bass sees Cartier around, he better tell him that he’s a marked man. While this is happening Queen Bee tells Nate that she doesn’t like his girlfriend because, “no woman is that nice all the time.” So true. It’s the nice ones you’ve got to watch out for.


At the VD Dubs, Serena and Lily are discussing Lily’s past marriages, and Serena apologizes for not going to college, and—OMG, nothing else that they say matters because Eric and Courtney Love, I mean Jenny, pop in! I love Eric the way that I immediately love just about all gay men, and I literally do the giddy clapping thing when I see him. Jenny and Eric (who are now basically one person, JennyEric or JenEric if you will) tell Serena that Rufus and Lily have been on the war path since Lily got home and found out that Rufus let everything go to hell. Speaking of Rufus, on the other side of town he visits the old Humphrey lodgings where Dan is sitting at the table, typing away. He asks what Rufus is doing Brooklyn. “Running,” Rufus replies. “In jeans,” Dan says, “did it chafe?” Ahahahahahaha. Dan made a funny. I just want to squeeze his head until it pops like an unwanted pimple. Rufus asks if it’s alright that he sleeps there for a while. Uhm, I’m going to go with yes, because it’s YOUR loft, Doofus. Jesus, why don’t you grow a pair? Is it any surprise that this is the quivering lump of uselessness that spawned Dan?



At the coffee shop The Craziness is wondering aloud to WeavyWonder why Dan hasn’t responded to her calls…or texts…or e-cards? Vanessa decides to set the record straight. “He’s not responding because A) he broke up with you, B) he’s seeing Hilary Duff, and C) you’re one roll away from a full breadbasket.” The Craziness tells WeavyWonder that she’s going to get Dan to break up with Hilary Duff, or she’s going to tell the whole world that Scott is really Dan/Serena/Jeneric’s brother. GG does a voiceover to tell us that “Love is a Battlefield”, and I’m sure she means the Jordin Sparks version. After the commercials about Penn Badgley in that movie that is going to traumatize all stepchildren forever, The Craziness and WeavyWonder call up Dan and try to convince him that Hilary Duff is a skank, and he shouldn’t date her, because she’s hooking up with Orlando Bloom. Alright, I know that Orlando hasn’t been on top of his game lately, but I’m positive he wouldn’t condescend to actually date Hilary Duff. I mean, “Pirates of the Caribbean” versus “Lizzie McGuire”…hello?! Plus, Hilary Duff’s shoulders are broader than Orlando’s will ever be (everyone is thinking it, I’m just saying it.) Anyway, Dan doesn’t take the bait, so The Craziness vows to come up with a better plan. She asks if WeavyWonder knows how to use Photoshop. I foresee bad things coming from this…


In other news, the Humphrey children and the VD dubs kids have planned a meeting between the families, in order to get Rufus and Lily to rekindle their romance. The kinds explain that Rufus isn’t to blame for any of their bad decisions and that they all love each other, and blah blah blah family bonding blah blah blah. As they let Rufus and Lily have their alone time, Serena boldly states that she is a genius. Yes, Serena, you came up with a plan to secretly get two fighting adults back together under the guise of a cleverly choreographed family meal… what an original idea.

In the Bass Cave, King Bass is giving Queen Bee a back massage. She tells him that Cartier is staying at her penthouse, and King Bass says he loves her. End scene.


Across the city somewhere, Dan is discussing WeavyWonder’s attempts to breakup his relationship with Hilary Duff .JenEric tells him that it’s obvious WeavyWonder is in love with him. Dan is quick to let them that this isn’t “Some Kind of Wonderful” and there’s really no chance of he and WeavyWonder bumping uglies anytime soon, so he’d better let her know the score ASAP. He goes to her room, enters (unannounced, no less!), and catches her in the process of Photoshopping magazine covers with certain rumors about Hilary Duff. Ha-ha! Hilarious. Dan tells her that he knows she’s in love with him, but WeavyWonder calls him crazy, and assures him she isn’t in love with him. She explains that The Craziness has been blackmailing her, and then she reveals to Dan that Scott is actually his brother. Leave it to WeavyWonder to reveal a secret. Seriously, has there ever been a secret that this chick hasn’t told?


Back at the restaurant, Rufus and Lily discuss their past, and then get into an argument about how Rufus is chili and Lily is a Kobe Filet , and they are from two different worlds, and they probably shouldn’t get married. However, when they are sitting alone at home looking at pictures of the good old days they each realize that they actually do love each other, and they want to get married. Tomorrow. So, preparations begin. Serena, Queen Bee, Jenny, and the Constance girls are all in a flutter trying to book a venue, and get a cake made, and flowers arranged. When one of the new Mean Girls tells the group, “my family is in investment banking; they’re all broke”, Jenny cold-heartedly replies, “then you can go.” Love it. Lily reads Serena her vows, and Serena tells her that they’re unoriginal and they suck, hmm, just like you Serena! Blair interrupts them to let them know that they can have to wedding at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. Normally, I’d call B.S., but because this is the fictional world of Gossip Girl, and Queen Bee made it happen, I’ll let the absurdity of this scenario slide.

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As the preparations are being made by the women, Dan is taking a walk in the park with The Craziness. Careful Dan, it wouldn’t be that difficult to knock you in the head with a stiletto, and drag you behind those bushes. Side note: Why does it seem like The Craziness is wearing the same outfit in every episode? Like Doug. They walk and talk, and Dan attempts to play The Craziness by telling her that he really missed her. He wants to get back together, and suggests that they go out sometime. She asks if he wants her to be his date at the wedding. Ha. He tells her that it’s a small, private event, so no, but he offers to go out with her the next day, so she gives him a big, sloppy, scary kiss. As he leaves, she turns to the hot dog stand guy and asks him what it means if “someone used to grab your ass, but now they don’t?” Oh Dan. Caught red handed, buddy. No pun intended.



We then got a shot of storm clouds rolling over NYC (clouds which I’m sure will subside by the time the wedding is scheduled to happen). Ominous. Cartier is on the phone with Serena, and she tells him that he’d better show up to the wedding. He lets her know he wouldn’t miss it for the world, but creepy King Bass in the background seems to have other plans. He tells Cartier that he’s spoken to Bree and he has a choice between going to the wedding and telling Serena the bad things he did to Bree’s family, or taking the one way ticket to Winchesterstonfieldsville that Chuck has so graciously purchased for him, and leaving for good. I’d be willing to bet good money that he goes to the wedding because Serena is a “different” kind of girl. Right before the commercial break we see The Craziness picking up Scott, and telling him he’s going to need to buy a suit. Dunh Dunh Dunnnhhhhh.


At the gardens, it’s WEDDING TIME!!! Serena and Bree are both concerned that Cartier is tardy for the party, and Queen Bee assures Serena that he’ll show. She goes over to converse with King Bass, and he tells her that Cartier won’t be showing up, because he offered him an easy way to avoid being beaten to death or shot by the Buckleys. Queen Bee disagrees. Cartier is a new man with Serena. You know what I don’t understand? Why is it so difficult for Chuck to believe that Carter is a changed man for Serena, when he changed his ways for Blair? Maybe he believes that his love for Blair goes deeper than anyone else’s love ever could, which is fair, and probably accurate. Moving on. Jenny is dressing Lily, and they have a heart-to-heart moment, and of course Jenny says something that makes Lily reconsider marrying Rufus. Sigh. Saw that one coming, and still, I don’t care.



Back at the gardens, Cartier shows up! Told you! He embraces Serena, and then vows to tell her the truth about what he did to the Buckleys even if she ends up hating him for it. He tells her that at one point he managed to gamble his way into some pretty heavy debt (how old is this kid, seriously?), and then he met a woman who was quite, and shy, and pretty much used her for her money. He asked her to marry him so he could keep the cash flow coming, but then he punked out because he didn’t love her. Serena gets pissed and says, “so what? You buy this girl a ring? You tell her you love her? Did you make her breakfast in the morning too?! Making a girl breakfast in the morning when you don’t love her is the worst thing you can do! You don’t toast strudels or pop tarts if you aren’t in love, right? RIGHT?!” Okay, is this Serena Van der Woodsen speaking? The same girl who hooked up with her best friend’s boyfriend, and did massive amounts of cocaine and unintentionally managed to kill someone, and sabotaged pretty much EVERYONE’s chance of getting into Yale, and gallivanted around Europe tainting the small amount of dignity she might have maintained after the aforementioned actions? The same girl who (along with everyone else) has forgiven Nate for doing basically the same thing that Cartier did? Oh hypocrisy, how you always manage to rear your ugly head at the most inopportune of moments. In addition, the bad thing for Cartier to do would have been to actually marry the girl and continue the charade, instead of owning up to having ulterior motives. Come on, we’ve all seen “The Proposal”.



Lily and Rufus meet up in a more private part of the gardens, and Lily tells Rufus that she’s having second thoughts about getting married. Her rationale is that they don’t have any of the same values; they don’t agree on how to raise children, or how to act at high society functions, or what to order for takeout. I feel like that’s the same problem pretty much all married couples in this country have and that’s why there’s such a high divorce rate. So maybe Lily is right about not getting married? I don’t know. Rufus talks about the trying times that come with married life, and how they’re going to get through it together, and while he monologues about all this, Scott sidles up behind him to listen like the sketchy eavesdropper that he is. When Lily tells Rufus that she doesn’t think she can do everything that Rufus asks of her, Scott rudely interrupts saying, “Wait…so you’re not getting married?” Lily gives him a death glare and says, “This is a private conversation at a private event, How dare you?” and she says it in that chilly, uncaring, Kate Gosselin-esque way that makes you feel sorry for anyone who’s ever crossed paths with her. Scott speed walks away with his tail between his legs, and the rest of the gang rushes up to Lily and Rufus to figure out what the hell is going on. “Do you know him?” Lily asks Rufus, confused. The Craziness takes it upon herself to answer. “That was your lovechild. He’s not dead. Congratulations, it’s a boy!” Oh snap! Shit is about to hit the fan. Lily asks the group what The Craziness meant by that statement, and Serena tells her not to listen to what The Craziness says because she’s, well, crazy. However, Dan and WeavyWonder step up and reveal the truth: Scott really is Rufus and Lily’s lovechild. The ashamed parents rush to go catch Scott before he leaves for Boston, leaving the rest of the group to digest the news that the dark, mysterious, slickster known as Scott actually shares genes with basically all of them.



Back inside, Serena is now sitting down, confused and disappointed, when Cartier comes up and attempts to comfort her. Serena tells him to leave, and he tells her that…wait for it…he came to the wedding and told her what he told her because it’s “DIFFERENT” with her. Shocker. She doesn’t believe him, and walks away, leaving him to face Bree and her big giant Buckley cousins. Chuck looks on in awe of the selflessness that Cartier is displaying, and on the other side of the garden The Craziness helps herself to the wedding cake. Nobody else is going to eat it. You know, sometimes I wish I was just crazy like her. Life seems like so much more fun when you don’t give a flying fudge.


Rufus and Lily are roaming the streets of the city trying to find Scott, and arguing all the while. Rufus tells Lily that he’s not Bart Bass. No sir, you are no Bart Bass. Bart Bass was a rich, sexy, heartless, silver fox that I secretly had naughty dreams about. You Rufus Humphrey, are a short, clammy shell of a man who doesn’t even come close to comparing and I’m glad you realize this. Rufus says that he’s the type of guy who could break Lily’s heart, and he knows this because she’s currently breaking his? Okay…whatever sense this makes, I don’t know, but it sounds nice and there’s pretty music playing while he says it, so I’ll go with it. The pretty music continues as Rufus turns the corner and sees Scott about to board the bus. He catches up to him, and Scott says that when he learned that his real parents were Rufus and Lily, he was so excited that they were getting back together, but when he ran into them at the wedding and learned that they were canceling the ceremony, he got upset because he thought that they gave him up as a baby because they weren’t ready to have a kid, not because they didn’t love each other. Uhm, apparently he’s using Rufus Logic here, because NONE of what he just said made sense. They weren’t ready to have a kid when they had Scott, and obviously they were in love with each other, because they were just about the get married. I guess we know which side of the family THIS kid’s smarts come from. The point is, Rufus and Lily realize that they both want and need him in their lives. They’re all scared, and they hug, and they cry, and it’s a beautiful moment in Chinatown.



Back at the loft, Lily and Rufus have decided to get married in an even smaller ceremony, and they’re married by Kim Gordon, which is…weird. But cool all the same. After they’re officially man and wife, Lily admits that the wedding might never have happened had Serena gone to Brown. Selfish bitch. Over in the kitchen, Scott apologizes to Dan for not revealing who he was sooner. Dan admits that he should have realized Scott’s true identity because nobody under the age of 40 has ever been as interested in Rufus’ stupid band as Scott was. Slam. JenEric talks about which of the various Humphrey/VD Dubs features Scott displays. Awkward. So awkward that Scott decides he needs to head back to Boston, but he promises to visit on holidays.



Instead of enjoying the festivities, Serena is in another room, pouting of course. King Bass comes in to ask her if she’s alright. She tells him that she doesn’t really know who Cartier is, and apparently he’s a person that she doesn’t approve of. King Bass basically tells her to get over herself, and that Cartier risked getting his ass kicked by a couple of college linebackers for her, so she’d better man up and accept him for who he is, mistakes and all.

Speaking of the Buckleys… back at the party Nate confronts Bree about her involvement with Cartier. He tells her that he spoke to Blair, and wants to know if it’s true that she used him just to get to Cartier. Bree confirms what Queen Bee told him, but tries to justify it by telling him, “It’s Texas.” I’ve never been to Texas, but if the Texan vampires on “True Blood” are any indication, I wouldn’t want to become enemies with anyone from that place either. She says she’s sorry, and Nate does a bad actor version of “crushed” but it just comes off as annoyed, which is fine because he’s still hot. I really wish Chace Crawford would just forget about the whole acting thing, and just stick to looking pretty. He tells Bree to leave, and she does. So, she’s gone for good? That was easy.


We switch to Dan and Queen Bee actually talking to one another, civilly. Odd. Dan says that it sucks that The Craziness got away unscathed, but Queen Bee tells him not to be so sure about that. Cut to The Craziness having a drink at the bar, when a slightly attractive “prince” comes up and asks her to fly away with him. She decides she has nothing better to do, and that college is boring, so she’ll take him up on his offer. However, we see that Dorota is actually behind this pairing. Well played, Dorota, well played.

Back at the party, GG talks about songs that make you want to dance, and everyone dances. Nate stands over in a corner pursing his lips and doing his “sad” impression, and Serena watches everyone have more fun than her. Is there another Serena/Nate hookup in the works, perhaps? They’re both lonely. I must say, I would approve.

So Gasmii, what did we learn in this episode? Never trust a skank from Texas. Never trust a creep from Boston. And, 20 years still might not be enough time to figure out whether or not you actually want to marry someone. All great life lessons to take with you. I can always count on Gossip Girl to bring to light all of the important morals I’ve forgotten, and you can always count on me, Gasmii, to take those morals and distort and twist them accordingly. Hope you enjoyed!

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WINNER!!!
Congrats Rocky, and thanks to everyone who entered this time! Some really great stuff!