Auditiongasm Fall '08: Girls Next Door 1

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****Thanks for checking out this Fall's Auditiongasm! Please vote and leave your critiques. WE LISTEN! Remember that you are not voting for what show you want to see recapped, but for the best writing! If you want to audition, send me an email at Flipit75@gmail.com. Thanks guys, and good luck recappers!

Hidey-Ho, Neighbors. I was given the delightful task by Flipit to recap for you The Girls Next Door: Invasion of Jamaica. Let’s peek over the fence and see what we shall see.

This was Part Dos of a two part episode, so before we jump into the actual episode, here’s a short recap of Part Uno.

Holly’s sister Stephanie is getting married in Jamaica. Bridget and Kendra are traveling with. Hef (henceforth to be known as “Puffin”) stays at Mansion. Girls appear in another country, drink alcohol, meet Rory (their personal butler: AKA luckiest man on earth), go ziplining, buy sexy Rasta hats (dreads included), and learn to speak dolphin by screeching and pointing out into the water. There was also a “Bachelorette Party” that involved ice cream and lingerie. I use quote marks, because I’m pretty sure children could have come to this party and worn the lingerie and eaten the ice cream without DFACS getting involved.

Annnnnnnnnd – cue theme music.

As the show opens it seems that our blonde darlings are looking a little rough. Likely it’s the result of all that merrymaking they did the night before at Stephanie’s Bachelorette Party. Word on the street is that they actually forced Stephanie to model the Minnie Mouse lingerie gifts – before going to bed at the ungodly hour of 10 pm. Young people these days, I swear.

Perky Bridget asked if Stephanie has managed to keep track of a penny she gave her an entire 12 hours ago. This is a special lucky penny, for the bride to wear in her shoe. I think it has something to do with being minted in the year the bride was born. Seeing as the US Mint only makes a few million pennies a year, I can see how rare and lucky one would be for anyone born in the last three decades.

The problem is, however, the bride isn’t wearing shoes. Perky Bridget points out she can just tape it to her foot. Here I was thinking duct tape was only classy for Georgia Weddings.

The sisters head to feed a couple of Resort parrots almonds, I am struck by how beautiful a blonde dye job can look. There are lovely highlights and lowlights that catch the sun perfectly, glinting in the camera. Then there’s Holly, who stole her hair from a scarecrow. A scarecrow that had the unfortunate experience to be a model on an episode of Shear Genius.

The wedding day continues with massages on the beach. I squish down my jealousy to observe four massage tables. Seriously – doesn’t Stephanie have any friends of her own? What bride takes her entire family to Jamaica for her wedding and then doesn’t even invite her Mom to spend the morning of the wedding with her? I get that Puffin (I mean – Holly) is paying for all this, but I can’t help but wonder how everyone else feels about Puffin’s girlfriends barging into the wedding in Jamaica.

For the first time in the episode, Kendra pipes up to tell us how great the massage was. In fact, according to Kendra – it was just as good as having an orgasm. She might have even had one. I would find this hilarious, except I’m 10 weeks pregnant and so sore that if I had a professional 60 minute massage, I might have the same experience. So I’m going to chalk this easy joke up to reality, and point out that you owe the massage therapist a really big tip if she’s that good.

WooHoo! It’s nekid cherub time. We’re back at the Mansion to check in on Puffin and his equally wrinkled personal secretary, Mary. Apparently everyone is on to Holly’s sneaky little plan to catch the bouquet so Puffin will marry her. Subtlety is an art form Holly’s never dabbled in.

Quickly, before the viewers change the channel, we’re thrust back into the bikini-clad waters of our girls. A wide screen shot shows that perhaps a few minions were invited to join the ladies for a relaxing time in the ocean, but we never see them again so in all probability some poor vacationing sod was accidentally filmed, and the camera crew didn’t get a release.

Bridget shows us her two Master’s Degrees are authentic by smiling and using the word meteorologist properly in a sentence at the same time. I love watching people live up to their potential.

Wakeboarding in bikinis ensues, and the girls strap on external flotation devices to provide endless entertainment for the audience and the Sandals employees driving the boat. Much like every other moment of physical exertion, this is followed by imbibing alcohol and Holly telling us she would like to marry Puffin. In fact, she’s going to call him right now to talk to him. We leave Jamaica with a sad little voice repeating “call failed” over and over.

Nekid cherub time at the Mansion and it seems Puffin has guests over. Three lovely young models have been invited to have dinner with Hef, and it’s totally a coincidence that thousands of miles away, Holly is struggling to get through to her paramour via cell phone.

There is no clever editing here. It’s as if Holly KNOWS her man is being wooed by Temptress Harpies in their shared bed of love. Luckily, her Puffin invites the girls to his bed to watch a video of Britney Spears! Everyone knows that’s the opposite of an aphrodisiac. Holly’s love and the virtue of her man is safe.

Holly leaves the girls to dress for the wedding and heads to her sister’s suite. If possible, her hair looks even more skanked-up than it did early in the show. Seriously, where is the woman that makes them look beautiful for their interviews? A side pony-tail braid that came straight from the ass of a donkey? Hideous.

At least she greeted her mother, Patsy, with a “nice dress” comment. I’m a tad ashamed of Holly right now. She’s coming across as a hell of a lot more self-centered than she usually does.

Stephanie has managed to hang onto that lucky penny, though we’re never told exactly how she’s going to attach it to her foot. After careful thought, my suggestion is clear packing tape around the arch. (Just in case you’re curious for your own wedding.)

Eight people are attending the wedding, including three girls on the back row. Are you Stephanie’s actual friends? Hello? Girls in the green dresses?

Stephanie looks beautiful and her wedding to Shane (yes, the groom has a name) have a classic beachside wedding. This touching moment is accented by Bridget explaining how moved she was and Kendra in her fake dreadlocks telling us she also wants to get married.

It’s hard to do touching in a Rasta Dreads wig. Don’t try it at home. Leave it to the professionals.

The small private reception on the beach is equally as cheesy, I mean beautiful, as every other basic free Sandals wedding. I did a bit of digging, and as long as Stephanie booked 7 nights at the Sandals Jamaica, that was all free. Add about $75 for each person for that delightful “private” beach reception, plus a bit for the Kodak-trained photographer, and voila – you too can get married in style just like Holly’s sister.

Here, on the beach, as the sun finishes setting on the glistening water, the bride throws her bouquet. Throw is such a strong word, Stephanie sort of tosses gently the bouquet directly across the table into Holly’s outstretched arms. Then Perky Bridget makes the incredibly odd comment to Kendra out of the corner of her mouth about how she “guesses we’re going to be bridesmaids pretty soon.”

I’m not going to pretend like I understand the whole multiple girlfriends thing. I know for certain I couldn’t keep up with more than one husband, and sometimes I’m to tired for even him. But they seem so cheerful about the idea of Holly and Puffin getting married, it strikes me as…weird… I’ve watched HBO After Dark. I can even admit to seeing a couple of episodes of WE’s The Secret Life of Women, but for heaven’s sakes, it’s one thing when you’re all dating the same man. It’s another thing when one of the girlfriends wants to marry the boyfriend.

Freaky and weird.

Less freaky and weird are the kickass flame-eaters at the (very) non-private reception after dinner. It’s the poor man’s Cirque de Soleil and I’m lovin it: stilts, flaming limbo, and the boob shaking (that was her only talent, one girl came out to violently shake her boobs). Perky Bridget takes in the local flavor along with her un-virginized coconut drink.

OH SWEET BABY JESUS! It’s the girls in green again! Perky Bridget is TALKING to them, and sharing her drink! Maybe Stephanie does have friends of her own…

Kendra enters a Bootie Shaking contest, and we receive a very lengthy shot of our girls shaking their booties. I can’t help but be reminded of how damn short the dresses are for a family wedding. Maybe they can take the heat off of poor Erin Andrews?

Uh-oh! The announcer wants to know if anyone in the crowd knows how to do the Bunny-Hop! (Thanks, you sly producers! No one ever would have figure out that joke on their own!) Our girls take the helm of this shipwreck and prove that the Bunny-Hop is not a required dance lesson at the Mansion.

We leap forward in time to see Kenda lying in their suite puffing on a cigar. I’m not surprised, and a bit turned on. Sadly, they pan away quickly to Holly who has finally figured out how to use a landline and make an international call to Puffin.

The entire conversation can be summed up as:
“Miss you.”
“Miss you, too.”
“Caught the bouquet.”
“I’m hanging up and running away now.”
giggle giggle “You’re so funny, Puffin.”
Puffin begins to bark like a dog.

Flash to at least one of the Temptress Harpies is still in Puffin’s bedroom. That’s the last we see of her, but my curiosity is peaked. Maybe Puffin DOES need all three girlfriends to survive.

Noooooo – it’s morning again. Color scheme of the day is bright yellow or if you’re Kendra, it’s leave-me-the-hell-alone. I love how they left Kendra in the bed until 10 minutes before their bags were due to the limo driver.

I also love how Rory appears to show them they made the “front page” of the local newspaper.

Is Jamaica predominately Jewish? Do Jamaicans as a rule read from right to left and back to front? Because that “front page” sure as hell opened on the left side, but none of our resident geniuses seemed to figure that out on their own.

The family gathers to say good riddance, or goodbye depending on your point of view, and we are whisked back to the nekid cherubs of the Mansion in Puffin’s #1 limo. (What? It said so right on the license plate. “#1 HEF”)

Puffin is thrilled to see his girls, giving them each a kiss and receiving a equally sexy Rasta hat in return. I give my sons and my cats more love than Puffin gave, but he might have been tired from Temptress Harpy. There’s only so much love an 82 year old man can give a week, even with a little blue helper.

And that’s all for me and my fence peeking, because I don’t have any little blue helpers at my house and a crapload of laundry to wash. If ya’ll ever let me do this again, maybe I’ll see if can scrounge up a Smurf or two. Thanks, Gasmii!