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All right, kids, here we go. This episode of Brooke Knows Best is all about spring break (whoo-hoo). Instead of spending her time baking nail files into cakes for little Nickie, Brooke has been invited to Panama City to host some parties. Really? Brooke Hogan? You guys couldn’t aim a little higher than that? Sure, why not? Get ready for a half hour of jello shots, flashing, and a level of debauchery that will almost definitely lead to an examination room at the free clinic. Enjoy!
So, how does one prepare for such illicit activities? Well, if you’re Brookie-poo you apparently… call you dad? Okay. And wow, what luck, VH1 just happens to coincidentally have a camera at the Hulksters hotel room just as this phone call happens to take place. Some producer has told Hulk to invite himself along on Brooke’s trip, thus killing any fun or chance of regrettable, clumsy motel room sex. I’m sorry, but isn’t this basically the plot of like every episode of Hogan Knows Best and I’m assuming this show too? Brooke wants to (insert scandalous and vaguely sexual activity), parents show up, hijinks ensue.
Whatever. Brooke makes vague attempts to halt the guaranteed embarrassment, but only succeeds in convincing the Hulkster to bring along a friend. Oh, this can only go well. So Brooke goes to inform the roomies of the completely, totally, 100 percent not contrived trip to Panama City and as predicted, they are none too pleased to be cock-blocked by a washed up, balding former wrestler.
The very orange-y Glenn and bland Ashley try and protest to earn more camera time, but Brooke shuts them down and promises them that good times will be had. The three of them head down to Florida, unaware of the certain doom awaiting them.
Of course, of all the friends the producers Hulk could have chosen, it is the infamous “Knobs” who joins us on our adventure. The two of them kick the festivities off properly, doing embarrassing dances in their midlife-crisis convertible at the obvious urgings of the producers.
They find Brooke and company lounging by the pool and Hulks friend calls down from the balcony above “Hey, Brooke! Uncle Knobs is here!” Even I’m embarrassed for her. Thanks, VH1. Thanks. Brooke tries to diffuse the situation, imploring her father to do his own thing while in Florida. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t make for very good tv so the plan is immediately nixed.
The next day, Brooke prepares to judge a hard-bodies contest and Glenn and Ashley are inexplicably behaving as if they’re judges too. I’m pretty sure Brooke was invited, not you two clingers-on. There’s some weird thing where Knobs wacks the back of a guy hitting on Brooke, leaving a pretty angry looking welt. Moving on… Anyway, this trio of dimwits sits and drools over the poorest showing of “hard-bodies” ever. These boys are scrawny and one of them is even wearing a shirt. Lame.
Well, Hulk and Knobs are equally unimpressed. And wouldn’t you know it? The guy running the event just happens to be standing right behind them, in perfect position to grant them entrance into the competition.
Knobs goes first, and y’all… it ain’t pretty. Chris Farley is rolling in his grave right now as Knobs tries to completely rip off his dance from the Chippendales skit. A great moment of comedic physical comedy reduced to… A former wrestler with a bleached blonde mullet shaking it for a group of horny and drunken frat boys.
Hulk steps up next, luckily having put on a shirt that rips right off. Hmmm… it’s almost as if he knew. Hulk is not so much in shape anymore. Dude’s still got muscles like whoa, they’re just more… blurry? Soft? Blubber-y? His performance is pretty requisite and really, you’ve all seen it before.
Brooke announces Knobs as the winner and his prize? Being pantsed by the Hulkster. Jesus, I think I just contracted v.d. through my damn television. If there was any way I could Eternal Sunshine that shit out of my mind, I would. But alas, I can’t. So there it is. Burned into my retinas. For all of time. Excuse me, I need to go wash my hands or shower or something.
Ok, back. That night we find our busy and entrepreneurial little Brooke hosting a “foam party.” Apparently, it’s like a club but with… bubbles. I don’t get it, but whatever. Just seems like a good way to ruin a pair of shoes. The sign inexplicably reads “Brooke Foam Party Hogan”. It is hosted by Fred’s. Classy. Of course the cab that Daddy Hogan is riding in passes by for him to read the sign, so the two creepy older men enter the club full of wet, foamy college girls. Does anyone else get creeped out by Brooke and Hulk’s relationship? Hulk better watch himself. He’s becoming increasingly Joe Simpson-ish.
Brooke sees Hulk in the crowd and is pissed, for obvious reasons. She implores him to leave her alone “just this one time,” promising to spend the next day with him. As soon is Daddy is out of sight, Brooke is free to… lick chocolate sauce off some guy. About damn time! When I hear spring break, this is what I pay for. Then, she’s full on making out with some other less attractive dude. Way to work out those daddy issues, Brookie!
The next morning, Knobs and Hulk crash the trios hotel room. Knobs jumps on Glenn’s bed and later, Hulk plants a kiss on his cheek. Way to prove you’re down with the gays, Hulk. Today’s family friendly activity is a trip to the “world’s largest human maze.” Ooohhhhhhh. Aaaaaahhhh. No, really it’s just as boring as it sounds. A race is planned between the kiddies and the adults to see who gets to plan the rest of the day.
While Brooke and her star-fucking famewhore friends run around frantically, Hulk and Knobs find an emergency exit and sneak around to the finish line, beating the young ‘uns by a good twenty minutes. The girls claim to know the two cheated because their elbows are white from the gravel or something. I rewound the tape and when Hulk climbed under one of the walls, his elbows didn’t get near the ground so I call bullshit (yes, I have finally reached my limit of contrived bullshit).
The three of them separate from their elders and head for the beach. What happened to that busy schedule Brooke was bitching on about at the beginning of the episode? It was all booked full this, no free time that. Whatever.
The episode ends with Hulkster and Knobs riding by their exact spot on the beach in banana boats with Brooke, Glenn, Ashley and some guy from the hard-bodies contest joining them for a ride. Glenn dubs them “Grandpas gone wild” and thinks that it’s the most clever thing anyone has ever said.
So, kids, there you go. Thanks for reading.
Auditiongasm Fall '08: Brooke Knows Best 1 -
08-14-2008, 12:29 AM
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