It's time for a show I like to call Red State Psycho Mom vs. Blue State Psycho Mom. You may know it by its racier but less accurate name, Wife Swap. And now, the contestants!
In one corner, in the black pantsuit, representing the Red States: Karen, the Stepford Wife!
In the other corner, weighing 300 pounds, from the Blue States: Christine, the Carnival Owner!
Carny Mom lives in an RV and hates cleaning, schedules and other yucky grown-up stuff. Her kids eat about 12 meals of carnival food a day, and have the pounds to prove it. They play computer games during homeschool hours and poker at night, because it's all about the fun, yo.
Stepford Mom is a taskmaster whose favorite hobby is ironing. Her daughters are rocking identical polo shirts with turned-up collars, and nearly identical preppy names. Let's just call them Miffy and Buffy, mmkay? Partial list of daily activities: Latin, crew, gymnastics, dance, golf, and talking in that grating Paris Hilton drawl.
I'd usually skip the dads, because seriously, who cares about them? But it's worth mentioning that Stepford Dad is the spitting image of Eugene Levy, better known as the dad from American Pie. While we're picking on looks, Carny Mom has one squinty eye, but no anchor tattoos on her forearms. And from the looks of her, she's never eaten spinach in her life. Stepford Mom can only smile out of one side of her mouth, because her lips are frozen in the Pucker of Disapproval.
Stepford Mom depends on a rigid schedule to maintain her grip on sanity. "If we were just living moment-to-moment, that would cause a terrific amount of anxiety," she winces. Cut to her throwing a tantrum because the car in front of her is moving too slowly. Nope, no anxiety here. "One of my favorite things is ironing. I really like it when everything's crisp and -- teehee -- perfect." I bet that headband is all that's keeping her from collapsing into a twitching heap. And they haven't even swapped yet! This. Is. Going. To. Be. Good.
On Swap Day, Stepford Mom is ready to "give 110 percent" and "enmesh myself into a totally different lifestyle." Did I mention she's a college professor? Whatever she teaches, it isn't math. Or English. Carny Mom can't wait to show her host family how much fun she is. Oh, it'll be fun, all right. I can't wait.
They poke around their respective host homes and are duly shocked. Stepford: "This trailer is tiny! And disgusting! *sniffle* I feel so sad for these people!" Carny: "This house is so CLEAN! OMG, she might even clean MY house!"
Stepford Mom shows early signs of a breakdown as she grabs a producer and begs, "There's no way in hell I am sleeping in a TRAILER." Oh come on, it's not a trailer, it's an RV. You know, those things your rich friends drive around and call it "camping"? Carnies 1, Stepfords 0.
The host families file in for the meet-n-greet. Everyone is friendly, but that won't last long, I promise. The Stepfords have apparently come straight from the country club. Miffy snickers that Carny Mom is underdressed. Across the cultural divide, Stepford Mom gushes fake enthusiasm. "I'm going to do more fun stuff in the next few days than I've ever done in my entire life!" One of the Carny Kids can tell that she's uptight from her clothing. What gave it away? Was it the black pantsuit, the black headband, or the ironed hair?
For the first half of the show, the families do their usual thing while the swapped moms try their best to participate. "I'm going to change and become a carnival person!" says Stepford Mom. Yeah, that'll happen. "That's why I went to grad school for 5 years." Save the sarcasm. It's a step up from your current occupation of taxi driver, right?
Carny Mom is pulling the taxi duty now, taking Miffy and Buffy to... Pilates? Polo lessons? Cotillion? I have no idea. "Tell me what you and your mom do together," she asks Miffy. "Um, we, like, drive places together?" Priceless. Next she confronts American Pie Dad on the fun front. "We have a lot of fun!" he insists. "Sometimes I even take off my suit jacket!" They go out for ice cream, where they sit silently in a row, licking identical cones of no-sugar-added frozen yogurt. Dad's jacket may be off, but his tie is firmly in place against his buttoned collar. Kudos to the costume department.
Meanwhile, Stepford Mom is having what appears to be genuine fun riding the rides and rubbing elbows with the other carnival-goers (who, by coincidence, are all wearing standard-issue-production-crew black polos). However, she refuses to sleep in the trailer at night because it's dirty and "the quarters are so tight". Nope, not touching that line.
It dawns on our heroine there is no schedule anywhere in sight, and she starts to stress out. She makes candy apples while wondering where the kids are and if there's an activity she can drag them to. I'm impressed that she made it into that concession booth. It can't be too clean in there either.
While driving to the next carnival location, one of the Carny Kids frets that she never has any friends at her birthday parties because the family is always on the road. Stepford Mom pats the girl gingerly on the shoulder. I know what you're thinking, but I'm sure she brought her antibacterial gel.
After the break, it's time for the Rule Change Ceremony! I don't know why they call it a ceremony. There aren't any rituals, or funny costumes, unless you count Stepford Dad's suit and Carny Dad's jorts. Anyway, this is where the moms start calling the shots and making the host families do their bidding. They should just call it the Rule Change Throwdown.
Carny Mom is doing away with schedules and chores, and making the family eat dinner together. She's also making American Pie Dad do all the girls' activities. She gets in the SUV and backs over the Official Stepford Family Schedule Whiteboard. Miffy and Buffy race to rescue it. "It's not that bad, we can fix it." The whiteboard may be OK, but your souls are beyond help.
Back in the RV, Stepford Mom whips out the brand-new Carny Family Schedule Whiteboard and threatens to send the kids off to school. No one pays much attention. One kid's cell phone starts ringing. "Just FOCUS for ONE MORE MINUTE!" Stepford squeals. I swear she's one speck of dust away from a straitjacket. Carnies 2, Stepfords 0.
In Stepfordville, American Pie Dad has to do gymnastics. Alas, he's no longer wearing a suit. On the bright side, he's not wearing a leotard, either. He has a spectacular wipeout on the pommel horse. Ha, I know what that thing is called now! See, I knew those hours of watching Olympics would come in handy!
It's the last night, and Stepford Mom is hiding in the car. She doesn't want to get her shoes wet walking to the RV (it's raining). In fact, she says she's calling it quits. "I'm, um, going to go see the cows." Huh? Is that what they call it in suburbia when you get behind on your meds? Carnies 3, Stepfords 0.
Carny Mom takes the Stepfords to a carnival for the night. Buffy and Miffy refuse to set foot in the "filthy" RV. Carny Mom is rightfully insulted. Don't be such prisses, girls. When your parents retire, they'll be driving around the country in one of those things. The Stepford Family goes home by themselves, bored because Carny Mom stayed at the carnival without them. "I guess spontaneity sometimes doesn't work out," smirks American Pie Dad. Get over yourself. It's not called spontaneity if you just sit around on your butt. Carny Mom gives up on getting the Stepfords to have fun. Carnies 3, Stepfords 1.
Stepford Mom sets foot in the Carny Family RV for one last day. She's doing it for the kids, y'all. Someone has to pluck them from all that fun they're wallowing in and wash them with the bitter soap of responsibility. She takes them to gymnastics and Latin lessons, and then on some educational outing, and they all enjoy themselves. "I learned that leisure is time for doing something useful," says Carny Dad. I just died a little inside. Carnies 3, Stepfords 2.
Carny Mom makes the Stepfords face a photo of Mom in hopes that they will learn to stand up to her. "Say anything you want to say," she encourages. It takes them a few tries (and plenty of begging by the producers) to work up the nerve to say anything negative. To a picture.
Stepford Mom holds a graduation ceremony for Carny Family. I'm not sure what they're graduating from, unless it's slackerhood. The girls read essays on where they want to be in five years. I think literacy is a good goal for them, or maybe functioning arteries. Baby steps.
Carny Mom has the Stepfords look at old family photos. I have no idea what this is supposed to accomplish either, except that it's near the end of the swap, and they have to show us some warm fuzzy bonding before...
Reunion time! This is where the real sparks fly. The adults (and I use that term loosely) sit down at a table to hash it out. The wives have a thinly veiled catfight while the husbands sit by and look embarrassed. American Pie Dad interrupts Stepford Mom at one point and tells her that she should listen more. Oh snap! I know one activity that just got taken off Dad's schedule. You gotta hand it to Stepford Mom, she makes some wacky faces. If I was doing screencaps, I'd totally throw in one of Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, because that's exactly what she looks like here.
All of a sudden, Stepford Mom loses it. It's hard to tell because the editing is terrible, but I think she thinks she's being called a liar. She flounces out in a starched huff. "She is nuts," says Carny Dad in the understatement of the week.
Talk about your poor losers. Stepfords forfeit the match. Final score: Carnies win, 3 - 2.
After the break, we check in on the families to see how the swap has changed them. Stepford Mom is still enraged at being called a liar. "I wasn't fabricating this up... I felt it in every ounce of my body." Did we ever learn what she teaches? Maybe it's, I dunno, gym?
American Pie Dad admits that maybe, just possibly, the girls could use a little down time and family time. He might even unbutton his collar if things get really crazy. The Carny Kids are giving up homeschooling and going to a regular school. How does that work when you're on the road for months at a time? I call shenanigans. There's no traveling carnival at all, is there? That or they just travel back and forth across town.
Anyway, in case you want some of that action for yourself, they show us a screen with instructions on how to apply for Wife Swap! Why do they bother? No one who goes on this show has ever watched it before, or they might go in with an open mind. You know, one of those things they teach you about in college?
No shenanigans, lots of carny kids go to regular schools. High season is during the summer, they usually miss the last month and the first couple of weeks in September but, other than that it's just winter. Sorry, having a TMYK moment... loved the recap.
It's time for a show I like to call Red State Psycho Mom vs. Blue State Psycho Mom. You may know it by its racier but less accurate name, Wife Swap. And now, the contestants!
In one corner, in the black pantsuit, representing the Red States: Karen, the Stepford Wife!
In the other corner, weighing 300 pounds, from the Blue States: Christine, the Carnival Owner!
Carny Mom lives in an RV and hates cleaning, schedules and other yucky grown-up stuff. Her kids eat about 12 meals of carnival food a day, and have the pounds to prove it. They play computer games during homeschool hours and poker at night, because it's all about the fun, yo.
Stepford Mom is a taskmaster whose favorite hobby is ironing. Her daughters are rocking identical polo shirts with turned-up collars, and nearly identical preppy names. Let's just call them Miffy and Buffy, mmkay? Partial list of daily activities: Latin, crew, gymnastics, dance, golf, and talking in that grating Paris Hilton drawl.
I'd usually skip the dads, because seriously, who cares about them? But it's worth mentioning that Stepford Dad is the spitting image of Eugene Levy, better known as the dad from American Pie. While we're picking on looks, Carny Mom has one squinty eye, but no anchor tattoos on her forearms. And from the looks of her, she's never eaten spinach in her life. Stepford Mom can only smile out of one side of her mouth, because her lips are frozen in the Pucker of Disapproval.
Stepford Mom depends on a rigid schedule to maintain her grip on sanity. "If we were just living moment-to-moment, that would cause a terrific amount of anxiety," she winces. Cut to her throwing a tantrum because the car in front of her is moving too slowly. Nope, no anxiety here. "One of my favorite things is ironing. I really like it when everything's crisp and -- teehee -- perfect." I bet that headband is all that's keeping her from collapsing into a twitching heap. And they haven't even swapped yet! This. Is. Going. To. Be. Good.
On Swap Day, Stepford Mom is ready to "give 110 percent" and "enmesh myself into a totally different lifestyle." Did I mention she's a college professor? Whatever she teaches, it isn't math. Or English. Carny Mom can't wait to show her host family how much fun she is. Oh, it'll be fun, all right. I can't wait.
They poke around their respective host homes and are duly shocked. Stepford: "This trailer is tiny! And disgusting! *sniffle* I feel so sad for these people!" Carny: "This house is so CLEAN! OMG, she might even clean MY house!"
Stepford Mom shows early signs of a breakdown as she grabs a producer and begs, "There's no way in hell I am sleeping in a TRAILER." Oh come on, it's not a trailer, it's an RV. You know, those things your rich friends drive around and call it "camping"? Carnies 1, Stepfords 0.
The host families file in for the meet-n-greet. Everyone is friendly, but that won't last long, I promise. The Stepfords have apparently come straight from the country club. Miffy snickers that Carny Mom is underdressed. Across the cultural divide, Stepford Mom gushes fake enthusiasm. "I'm going to do more fun stuff in the next few days than I've ever done in my entire life!" One of the Carny Kids can tell that she's uptight from her clothing. What gave it away? Was it the black pantsuit, the black headband, or the ironed hair?
For the first half of the show, the families do their usual thing while the swapped moms try their best to participate. "I'm going to change and become a carnival person!" says Stepford Mom. Yeah, that'll happen. "That's why I went to grad school for 5 years." Save the sarcasm. It's a step up from your current occupation of taxi driver, right?
Carny Mom is pulling the taxi duty now, taking Miffy and Buffy to... Pilates? Polo lessons? Cotillion? I have no idea. "Tell me what you and your mom do together," she asks Miffy. "Um, we, like, drive places together?" Priceless. Next she confronts American Pie Dad on the fun front. "We have a lot of fun!" he insists. "Sometimes I even take off my suit jacket!" They go out for ice cream, where they sit silently in a row, licking identical cones of no-sugar-added frozen yogurt. Dad's jacket may be off, but his tie is firmly in place against his buttoned collar. Kudos to the costume department.
Meanwhile, Stepford Mom is having what appears to be genuine fun riding the rides and rubbing elbows with the other carnival-goers (who, by coincidence, are all wearing standard-issue-production-crew black polos). However, she refuses to sleep in the trailer at night because it's dirty and "the quarters are so tight". Nope, not touching that line.
It dawns on our heroine there is no schedule anywhere in sight, and she starts to stress out. She makes candy apples while wondering where the kids are and if there's an activity she can drag them to. I'm impressed that she made it into that concession booth. It can't be too clean in there either.
While driving to the next carnival location, one of the Carny Kids frets that she never has any friends at her birthday parties because the family is always on the road. Stepford Mom pats the girl gingerly on the shoulder. I know what you're thinking, but I'm sure she brought her antibacterial gel.
After the break, it's time for the Rule Change Ceremony! I don't know why they call it a ceremony. There aren't any rituals, or funny costumes, unless you count Stepford Dad's suit and Carny Dad's jorts. Anyway, this is where the moms start calling the shots and making the host families do their bidding. They should just call it the Rule Change Throwdown.
Carny Mom is doing away with schedules and chores, and making the family eat dinner together. She's also making American Pie Dad do all the girls' activities. She gets in the SUV and backs over the Official Stepford Family Schedule Whiteboard. Miffy and Buffy race to rescue it. "It's not that bad, we can fix it." The whiteboard may be OK, but your souls are beyond help.
Back in the RV, Stepford Mom whips out the brand-new Carny Family Schedule Whiteboard and threatens to send the kids off to school. No one pays much attention. One kid's cell phone starts ringing. "Just FOCUS for ONE MORE MINUTE!" Stepford squeals. I swear she's one speck of dust away from a straitjacket. Carnies 2, Stepfords 0.
In Stepfordville, American Pie Dad has to do gymnastics. Alas, he's no longer wearing a suit. On the bright side, he's not wearing a leotard, either. He has a spectacular wipeout on the pommel horse. Ha, I know what that thing is called now! See, I knew those hours of watching Olympics would come in handy!
It's the last night, and Stepford Mom is hiding in the car. She doesn't want to get her shoes wet walking to the RV (it's raining). In fact, she says she's calling it quits. "I'm, um, going to go see the cows." Huh? Is that what they call it in suburbia when you get behind on your meds? Carnies 3, Stepfords 0.
Carny Mom takes the Stepfords to a carnival for the night. Buffy and Miffy refuse to set foot in the "filthy" RV. Carny Mom is rightfully insulted. Don't be such prisses, girls. When your parents retire, they'll be driving around the country in one of those things. The Stepford Family goes home by themselves, bored because Carny Mom stayed at the carnival without them. "I guess spontaneity sometimes doesn't work out," smirks American Pie Dad. Get over yourself. It's not called spontaneity if you just sit around on your butt. Carny Mom gives up on getting the Stepfords to have fun. Carnies 3, Stepfords 1.
Stepford Mom sets foot in the Carny Family RV for one last day. She's doing it for the kids, y'all. Someone has to pluck them from all that fun they're wallowing in and wash them with the bitter soap of responsibility. She takes them to gymnastics and Latin lessons, and then on some educational outing, and they all enjoy themselves. "I learned that leisure is time for doing something useful," says Carny Dad. I just died a little inside. Carnies 3, Stepfords 2.
Carny Mom makes the Stepfords face a photo of Mom in hopes that they will learn to stand up to her. "Say anything you want to say," she encourages. It takes them a few tries (and plenty of begging by the producers) to work up the nerve to say anything negative. To a picture.
Stepford Mom holds a graduation ceremony for Carny Family. I'm not sure what they're graduating from, unless it's slackerhood. The girls read essays on where they want to be in five years. I think literacy is a good goal for them, or maybe functioning arteries. Baby steps.
Carny Mom has the Stepfords look at old family photos. I have no idea what this is supposed to accomplish either, except that it's near the end of the swap, and they have to show us some warm fuzzy bonding before...
Reunion time! This is where the real sparks fly. The adults (and I use that term loosely) sit down at a table to hash it out. The wives have a thinly veiled catfight while the husbands sit by and look embarrassed. American Pie Dad interrupts Stepford Mom at one point and tells her that she should listen more. Oh snap! I know one activity that just got taken off Dad's schedule. You gotta hand it to Stepford Mom, she makes some wacky faces. If I was doing screencaps, I'd totally throw in one of Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, because that's exactly what she looks like here.
All of a sudden, Stepford Mom loses it. It's hard to tell because the editing is terrible, but I think she thinks she's being called a liar. She flounces out in a starched huff. "She is nuts," says Carny Dad in the understatement of the week.
Talk about your poor losers. Stepfords forfeit the match. Final score: Carnies win, 3 - 2.
After the break, we check in on the families to see how the swap has changed them. Stepford Mom is still enraged at being called a liar. "I wasn't fabricating this up... I felt it in every ounce of my body." Did we ever learn what she teaches? Maybe it's, I dunno, gym?
American Pie Dad admits that maybe, just possibly, the girls could use a little down time and family time. He might even unbutton his collar if things get really crazy. The Carny Kids are giving up homeschooling and going to a regular school. How does that work when you're on the road for months at a time? I call shenanigans. There's no traveling carnival at all, is there? That or they just travel back and forth across town.
Anyway, in case you want some of that action for yourself, they show us a screen with instructions on how to apply for Wife Swap! Why do they bother? No one who goes on this show has ever watched it before, or they might go in with an open mind. You know, one of those things they teach you about in college?
Well goddam it, I just read the entire recap in italics because I didn't realize the REAL recap was at the bottom.
Fantastic.
My eyes are burning.
And yet it was STILL a hilarious recap!
Speaking of shennanigans though, maybe I didn't read the rules carefully (or like, at all) but I could have sworn that this was some sort of recap contest that pitted writer against writer...
But Flipit wrote both of these!
Well what the hell. 10's across the board, except to Tillyswamp, the bloody donkey who gave me a wicked migraine.
"Great people make you feel as though you, too, could be great." - Mark Twain
No shenanigans, lots of carny kids go to regular schools. High season is during the summer, they usually miss the last month and the first couple of weeks in September but, other than that it's just winter. Sorry, having a TMYK moment... loved the recap.
OMG! They apparently have internet access too!
"CARNIES! Small hands...smell of cabbage." Austin Powers
Auditiongasm Fall '08: Round 2: Wife Swap -
08-26-2008, 12:43 PM
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