Auditiongasm Fall '08: Round 2: Greatest American Dog 1

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The Greatest American Dog: It’s Raining Catfights and Dogs!

Welcome, Gasmii, and thank you for voting me into round 2 of auditiongasm!

Today I’ll be recapping the Greatest American Dog, which I’ve never watched before, but I like dogs and I like tv, so it’s all good.

I looked up all the contestants and their dogs so that I could give you all a lil background info:

Beth Joy lists her job as “Bella’s Acting Manager,” LOL, is 32 and Bella Starlet is 15 lb. mutt of 5 different types, but looks a lot like just the Shih-Tzu and Pomeranian parts. Travis is a 29 year old bartender, really hot, and one of those super good-guy types. His dog is Presley, a 53 lb. boxer. Theresa is 32, a dogsitter and used to be a high school Latin teacher, and her dog Leroy is a 40 lb. border collie. Bill is 60 and in building maintenance, and his dog Star is a 34 lb. purebred Brittany. Laurie is a 45 year old Doggy Daycare owner (best job EVER) and her dog Andrew is a 10 lb. maltese. JD is a 38 year old “dog entertainer” with a wife, 3 year old son, and 17 year old stepdaughter. His dog Galaxy is a 50 lb. English pointer and border collie mix. Whew. Now on to the recap!

The contestants are all coming back from last week’s stressful elimination, in which Travis stood up for Beth Joy when the eliminated contestant tried to throw her under a bus. Beth Joy hugs Travis and I’m a little jealous because that boy is fiiiiine. She cries for the first time in this episode. The first of many.

Beth Joy continues to bitch about what happened to Bill and Tavis, and they both have glazed-over, I-don’t-care expressions on their faces, mostly because I think Beth Joy is a little crazy and also because they seem like rough, southern, meat and potatoes types of guys, and not really so much into gossip parties. Beth Joy takes the hint and continues her tirade to Bella, who has no choice but to listen. Beth Joy tells her dog, “don’t let anybody try to take you down, girl” and looks all mmhmm that’s right as she sips her water. Yup, just a little delusional.

The next morning, Hot Travis tries to pat Bella Starlet, and she nearly takes his fine fingers off. Drama ensues. Crazy Beth Joy is upset because Bella Starlet is “super stressed out” and is being aggressive. The producers include a montage of Bella snapping and barking to punctuate this. Crazy Beth Joy is talking to Hot Travis about how stressed Bella is, and dissolves into tears for the second time in five minutes on this episode, so I’m fairly certain we’re dealing with an unstable dog owner and an unstable dog. What’s funny is they kind of look alike too, in that weird way that dogs and their owners have, because Crazy has this bizarre, big, poofy triangle-shaped hair, and her dog does too. Crazy says that Bella “has issues” since she’s a rescued dog, and she doesn’t want people to think she’s “mean.” And then she cries some more, and begs Bella to “work through her issues.” I think they both have issues.

All of the owners are sitting around their shared house, talking about dog training, and Laurie talks about how “fear and respect are two different things” to dogs, which I pretty much agree with. She and JD have polar opposite views on this, because he calls positive reinforcement “treat training,” and prefers to train his dog with dominance, which i guess is more fear-based training. He doesn’t give his dog treats, he just does a lot of “good girl” and he also does something called “scruff-grabbing,” which I thought might have to do with JD’s unsightly chin pubes, but actually is when you grab your dog by the back of the neck. Laurie tells him that’s fine, but it hurts the dog, and he says it never hurts the dog and she should shut the fuck up. I’m not really an expert on dog training, so I can’t really comment on that, but JD has a pretty scary look about him, he’s all shifty-eyed and “you can’t PROVE that I murdered and dismembered that guy who talked shit about me” so he’s probably right.

We move on to the “Dog Bone Challenge,” which in reality show speak, is the challenge before the elimination challenge that gives someone an edge in the competition. A pretty generic host explains that today it’s called “The Big Dig,” and since I’m a Bostonian, I’m kind of laugh-crying at that one. You know, haha that’s clever, but millions of taxpayers’ dollars, a few unsightly deaths involving collapsed tunnels, the complete and utter inability to navigate the city, and like, five thousand years behind schedule, the joke seems to have been on me. But, still. Haha! Anyway, basically the dog owners are paired up and two dogs have to cooperate to get one owner out of an odd box-bell-tank contraption. One dog has to hit a bell for no apparent reason, and the other has to go up some stairs into a tank full of mulch and dig to find a rope, pull on it, and release the owner from the box thing underneath the digging tank. They have to do it within 5 minutes or else they get an incomplete, a term with which I first became familiar when I didn’t turn in 3 term papers sophomore year of college. The team that completes the challenge the fastest wins. The teams are: Laurie and JD (I smell producer intervention!!!), Theresa and Crazy, and Hot Travis and Bill, who we haven’t heard from, but apparently has never been in the bottom. Theresa says less than thrilled to be paired with Crazy and her crazy dog, mostly because she loves all ten of her fingers. But she seems pretty low-key and so does Leroy, kind of crunchy-granola, hippie-dippy, so Crunchy just shrugs and walks over to Crazy in a cloud of patchouli. Hot Travis is “super pumped” to be paired with Bill, aw. Yeah, pretty much everything he says in that southern twang is adorable.

The prize, in addition to a “leg up” in the elimination challenge, is a phone call to a loved one. I think it blows when they put reality contestants on shows and don’t let them talk to their families, but dangle phone calls and surprise visits as prizes. JD says he really wants to win because it’s his son’s birthday tomorrow, and aw, now I kind of hope he does too. If he doesn’t, the producers that know that it’s his son’s birthday will probably wake up tied to the back of his pickup truck, on the way to his dumping site. Seriously, don’t mess with JD.

First up is JD and Laurie. JD is going in the box (I’m going to have to talk about going in and out of the box quite a bit, so let’s get this out of the way here and now: that’s what SHE said!) and Laurie is going to instruct the dogs. I’m pretty impressed with these dogs; Andrew rings the bell without much trouble, and Galaxy is able to dig to the rope really quickly and open the box. They cut to Laurie and JD sitting with their dogs, complimenting each other on how great they did. Aw, isn’t it nice when we all get along? He probably scruff grabbed her to prove his point, and then she pretty much had to agree that dominance training works. Case in point, JD.

Next up is Hot Travis and Bill. Hot Travis gets in the box (awesome, I’m going with) and Bill instructs the dogs. The idiot host who seems to be nameless states that “it’s all about the fastest time” in case we were unclear on how timed challenges work, and then mutters something about how the show needs better writers. Bill says that if he wins, he would like to talk to his wife, because her voice will inspire him to be a little tougher. He’s portly and mostly bald and got an adorable southern accent too, and that’s pretty much the cutest thing I’ve ever heard, and now I want the southern boys to take it. The dogs do pretty well, except for Presley getting a little lost on his way to the box, and when the door swings open we get an awesome view of Hot Travis lying on his back with on leg bent and one hand draped across his stomach in that sexy-lazy pose that all hot guys do when they lie down. Best. Challenge. Ever.

Crunchy and Crazy are up next, and Crunchy should know better than to listen to Crazy. Crazy thinks she should get in the box and Bella should dig, even though Crunchy’s dog is a larger breed and would probably be a much better digger, because she’s “going to want to find her” more than she’ll want to ring the bell. Crunchy seems skeptical but goes along with Crazy’s plan. Talk about screwing the pooch.

Leroy rings the bell, but Bella gets in the digging tank and pretty much barks her face off for the entire five minutes. From inside the box, Crazy is babbling crazily, trying to encourage Bella to dig, but no dice. Crunchy says that she wasn’t about to try and touch Bella because she’s pretty fond of having opposable thumbs, so she just shrugs again and lets the dog be an ass until the time is called. Crazy is yelling louder at Bella from inside the box than Crunchy is from right next to her, and she’s yelling some pretty weird shit like “Mommy isn’t breathing too easily!” JD and I both are laughing our asses off at her, and when the challenge is over, Crunchy says “it’s a good thing this is not real life, because they would be digging up dead bodies before Bella rescued anyone.” LOL, Crunchy. Crazy says that Bella was “barking for help for someone to come find her” and that Bella was being “like Lassie.” No, Crazy, your dog’s a crazy ass and so are you.

The results are in! Laurie and JD completed the challenge in 1:45, but Hot Travis and Bill completed it in 1:33! Yay, the country boys win! Laurie and JD look understandably pissed and a little bewildered that they didn’t win when Hot Travis’s dog took a field trip mid-challenge, but gracefully congratulate the others. They get the key to the “dog bone suite,” which I assume is preferred housing, each of their dogs get treats, the get a “leg up” in the next challenge that they will find out about later, and they each get a phone call.

Hot Travis interviews that he’s “kind of a momma’s boy” and going to call his mom, which is cute, but I hope he isn’t too much of a momma’s boy because that can be a major turn off in a fantasy relationship. The minute he hears her voice, he starts to cry a little (and incidentally, so does his dog) and they are both super cute and I’ll take them both, to go, please, with a side of body chocolate with Hot Travis. Yummmmm.

Next is Bill calling his wife, and we segue in with the obligatory “sad story” reality show music montage of Bill talking about how his wife is diabetic, and he says that “WE have been fighting it for thirty years,” which is so sweet and so adorable. Not at all like when guys says “WE are pregnant,” which is super annoying because there is nothing pregnant about them. When she answers the phone he calls her “old woman,” which I guess is a term of endearment for them because she doesn’t get angry and hang up. They honestly sound like the sweetest, most loving couple ever and he tells her that he’s going to “love and cherish her for the rest of his life” which makes me want to cry and throw up in my mouth a little bit.

The contestants gather to find out about the elimination challenge, which is rather cleverly called “The Maze,” because it is a maze. LOL.The host tells them that they’ll have to get their dog to maneuver through this maze and find them on the other side. However, there’s a “twist” to the challenge that they will find out about tomorrow, but Bill and Hot Travis will get the advantage of a clue to what the twist is when they return to the dog bone suite.

Hot Travis and Bill walk into their suite, and OH MY GOD PUPPIES!!!!!!! There are six of the cutest golden retriever puppies in the world in a pen dying to get out, and they keep doing the adorable puppy-sniffing-the-camera-lens angle. So we get watch Hot Travis play with Adorable Puppies. You know, this show is not half bad.

They are instructed to each choose three puppies, and get their dogs acclimated to the puppies to give their dogs a “major advantage” in the challenge. Hot Travis’s dog is super excited about the puppies, but Bill’s dog wants nothing to do with them. She’s sitting as far away from them as possible with the same look on her face that I get when little kids get too close to me on the T (annoyed, and ever so slightly homicidal).

Hot Travis and Presley are playing with their puppies, and Bill is just trying to get Star to tolerate the puppies. Hot Travis says that he doesn’t know what he should be doing to “acclimate” Presley. He says he wishes the puppies came with “acclimating instructions.” LOL, Hot Travis. Bill and Hot Travis decide not to tell the others about the puppies when they go back to the house that evening.This pisses everybody off, especially since some of them have been helping Hot Travis with his training skills. But come on, people, it’s a competition. I can never understand why reality shows always have the “he won’t give away his advantage” drama. Because otherwise it isn’t an advantage. It’s just something everybody knows about.

It’s the day of the elimination challenge, and everybody turns the corner and “awwwws” over the puppies. Basically, the dogs have to not only get through the maze to their owners using only verbal commands, they also have to herd 3 puppies along with them. I feel like this is slightly unfair because honestly, doesn’t it also depend on how stupid the puppies that you get are? Some of them will probably be naturally inclined to follow another dog, while others are just going to want to sniff around the maze all puppily and not pay any attention at all.

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The judges are some really obscure people famous for animal stuff. One is Wendy Diamond, the editor of Animal Fair magazine, LOL. The picture they show is of an issue with Charlize Theron and a dog that may or may not be hers on the cover. The second is Alan Rzeznik, the editor of Dog World and Dog Fancy magazines, and the third is a spunky Brit named Victoria Stillwell, and apparently she’s a “celebrity dog trainer.” I wonder if she trains celebrities’ dogs, or if she trains really famous dogs, like the taco bell chihuahua? Alas, they don’t explain further.

JD and Galaxy are up first. The puppies seem to really take to JD, and he doesn’t seem especially forceful with them either. Galaxy is pretty calm too. They do pretty well, and actually get all three dogs through, though not all at once. He has Galaxy pause every so often to let the puppies catch up, which is smart, but he’s also calling the puppies separately from his own dog. They didn’t mention this in the rules, but I feel like that’s kind of bullshit.

Bill and Star are next. It gets pretty ugly. Star wants nothing to do with the puppies, and actually snaps at one of them. Bill is running around, panting heavily, and keeps trying to make Star run around too. He seems a little out of control. Star is tired and not really into it, and the British celebrity dog trainer gets all upset and purses her lips a lot and whispers that she’d like for them to stop. They don’t get any puppies through.

Laurie and Andrew are up next. Andrew is one of those dogs that has long white hair and you can’t see his feet move so he kind of looks like a hovering mop head. He’s smaller than the puppies and also wants pretty much nothing to do with them. He snaps at the puppies too. Laurie is yelling manically, “Come on Andrew! WEEEE!!!” and Andrew gets a little lost, but does bring one puppy through.

Next up, Crazy and Bella. Crazy lives up to her moniker by yelling at the puppies and asking them (in a voice that sounds as if she thinks puppies speak fluent English) “please don’t paw at Bella like that.” She tells Bella “you LOVE babies, you LOVE these puppies” in an “NO WIRE HANGERS EVER” voice and I fear for Bella’s life a little bit. Crazy yells inanities from one side of the maze like “get the babies! herd the puppies!” Eventually she resorts to irrelevant questions like “where’s daddy?” and “you wanna go for a ride in the car?” which is the hallmark of a poorly trained dog, that much I know. Used to work for mine, though. All you had to do was say something that sounded remotely like the word “biscuit” and she would do anything you wanted. Bella pretty much just gets stuck in a bush and stays there until time is called.

Hot Travis and Presley are up. Presley makes it through the maze pretty easily, but leaves the puppies in his dust. I think Presley thinks this is less of a herding exercise and more of a race. He doesn’t get any puppies through.

Crunchy and Leroy are up next. She says her strategy is “low energy” to get him to focus at the task at hand. You know, as opposed to screaming “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!” at him and causing him to blindly stumble into the maze bushes. She calls Leroy and he comes straight to her, pausing on his own along the way to make sure all three puppies are in tow. They play some epic, Homeward Bound-style music as the three puppies follow Leroy out of the maze in one go. I’m liking Crunchy and Leroy, and I’m loving the dramatic musical stylings.

Time for Judges! Victoria thinks Leroy and Crunchy are “splendid.” Wendy says if she ever gets lost, she wants Laurie to come find her, which is hilarious because the challenge was to have Andrew find Laurie, not the other way around. Wendy points out that Andrew nipped a puppy, and the puppies weren’t going to follow a dog that would bite them. Laurie defends Andrew’s character and says that he would rather die than nip a puppy, except that he just nipped a puppy.

Alan says that Presley was too focused on Hot Travis and not really paying attention to the puppies. Can’t really blame him though, I’d be running through that maze to get to Hot Travis, stat. Victoria says that Bill “really disappointed” her today by pushing Star too hard, and that he was “way out of line.” After some funky editing, Bill says her comments are “well taken.”

Alan thinks Crazy’s dog was stressed out, and zoned out. Crazy says that Bella was just trying to help the puppies by “barking them to a shelter area,” which would have been great if a) it was true and b) it had anything to do with the challenge. Victoria shuts her down and says Bella wasn’t trying to find a shelter at all and that she’s just a fuck up, sorry kid.

Then things get really interesting. Wendy starts out by saying that JD is “the MAN,” and whatever he whispered in Galaxy’s ear at the beginning really worked, and “move over, Cesar Milan.” Victoria looks all pissy and purses her lips again and says that she needs to say something, because she “believes that any trainer or owner that uses dominance” is using “medieval dog training” and she does this with a kind of OH NO YOU DI-IN’T finger wave. Wendy tells her she isn’t the only person on earth with an opinion, and an all-out catfight breaks loose! Victoria is waving her arm around and Wendy asks her if she thinks she’s the “god of dog training” and Victoria comes back with “YES I AM!” The contestants are all kind of standing around with “what do we do now?” expressions and Alan, who is standing in between Victoria and Wendy, slowly moves his hands in order to protect his junk. Wendy says something about the fight being “ridiculous” and Victoria completely flips out! She starts really screaming at Wendy and nobody really knows what to do except cut to commercial.

When we come back from commercial, the two women are visibly subdued (read: xanax has been administered) and Wendy says that she thinks Victoria is the most impressive dog trainer she’s ever come across and Victoria says they’re both pretty passionate about what they think and she respects her as well and appreciates what she’s said. And they kiss and make up and Alan is still protecting his junk, just in case.

We go to the “best in show arena” and the winners are, predictably, Crunchy and Leroy, for getting all the puppies out and for not being the subject of a girl-on-girl slapfest. The bottom three, also predictably, are Crazy, Hot Travis, and Bill. Seeing as I might have to start watching this show because Hot Travis is so hot, I really hope he doesn’t go home, and I also am rooting for Bill because he’s the cutest old man ever. Crazy should probably go home simply because she’s out of her meds and they don’t let them make phone calls, even for prescriptions.

Crazy and Bella are “expelled from canine academy,” and she cries for the sixth or seventh time this episode. She gives the obligatory “this has been the most incredible experience” speech that every booted reality contestant gives and says that “she never knew was love was until Bella came into her life,” which sounds really unhealthy and unbalanced to me. Crunchy doesn’t look too sad to see them go, though.

And that’s it for this episode. I know I’ll be tuning in next week, hoping that the next challenge has something to do with Hot Travis taking clothing off. Thanks for reading!

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WINNER! Congrats, Jonathan! And welcome to TVgasm!