Auditiongasm Special: Gossip Girl One Round Smackdown: Recap One

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Serena (cough cough, dirty hippy slut, cough cough) is dating/banging Carter Whatshisface who is in some deep doo doo with some gambling debts, Chuck (cough cough sneering dead fish, cough cough) Bass is dating Blaire (cough cough castrating bitch cough cough) Waldorf who didn’t get into Yale because she’s an emasculating shrew, but still I shouldn’t talk shit about her on a full moon because she might fly in, attack me with her headbands and her teenybopper bitches, and Nate (Horny sexy manskank) Archibald is dating some random chick.

Now Chuck, Blaire, Nate and that chick from that CW show that was canceled (wait, isn’t that like every other show) are eating dim sum at some CLEAN Chinatown place. NO disrespect for all my rice people out there I’m 100% Chinese. POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!!! So new girlfriend is all nice and perfect and pretty. (Damn her, that’s just the 3 cupcakes I just ate talking.) And Blaire is screwing with Nate’s new girlfriend, and she’s all like,” Nate doesn’t like tofu when it’s called bean curd and he hasn’t eaten pork since he hasn’t eaten pork since he saw Babe, WITH ME SO BACK OFF BITCH BEFORE I SEND MY MINIONS AFTER YOU!!!!” SO then new girlfriend goes into the kitchen is all like “IMA KILL CARTER WUZZHISFACE!” (Cue dramatic music.) And then Dead Fish Bass is like “Yeah, he’s with my dirty boho stepsis. And we both hate him.” And she’s all like “When he comes out let me know….” Come out of where? The closet?

Serena is talking to her mom about how many times she’s been married. She was saying” that was your best wedding, wait, which one is it?” Your 245th wedding. Damn girl you are like a billion years old. Then they talk about how Serena didn’t want to go to college and how Lily isn’t disappointed in her and that she’s disappointed in Rufus an then leaves to go get some more Botox And then Jenny (I’m so rock and roll) Humphrey is all “Rufus and her have been actually fighting about other old people things. Then Dan (moody bisexual writer) is worried about his Dads jeans chaffing his man area. Ewwy, I really don’t want to think about nasty Rufus’s man area. So then he calls Serena and then they discuss their feelings and there all sad. Then Vanessa (alternative dumbass) Abrams is talking to Georgina (DEMONSPAWN) Sparks about why Dan dumped her. Well duh, who would want to date a pasty freak like you? (JK, love you Michelle Trachtenberg), plus you slip people roofies in their drinks (only creepers and rapists do that) and she sends E-Cards. ???? What the fuck, you’re just too cheap to buy a REAL CARD! They’re only a few bucks at Hallmark!!!!!

So then Georgina says, “GET HIM TO DUMP THE WHORE OR I TELL EVERYONE SCOTTS (Rufus’s and Lily’s bastard child dirty secret. (I’ll talk more about that later.) And no one will want to hang out with you and some other shit.” IF I were Vanessa I would be like fuck you skank, I have other friends.” But wait, she doesn’t. And now that she caves like the spineless wuss she is, calls Dan and gives him a bunch of half assed remarks of why she shouldn’t date Olivia. Baby bump watch, bloat, and Orlando Bloom. But I encounter bloat almost once a week, either if I ate too much at a buffet or if Aunt Mary came to visit. I dream about Orlando Bloom every time I watch either Pirates of the Caribbean, so suck it, Vanessa and DEMONSPAWN.

Dan. Jenny, Serena, and her gay brother arrange a Parent Trap scheme…. (Who would want to end up like Lindsay anyways?) So then they probably talk their shit over and probably get some old person banging going on.

And then we cut to a scene with Blaire moaning. Are they having sex? Never mind, I was disappointed, Chuck is giving her a back massage. I make my guys give me a foot massage before we get it on. And this was probably the closet I’ll get to having sex this week. And then they talk about that Nate’s girlfriend, Carter, and their feelings. Then the Humphreys and Serena’s gay brother are talking about Vanessa’s weird behavior and his future with Olivia and then they tell Dan that he should go let her down easy. Like Vanessa would want a moody freak like him.

Then Rufus and Lily talk about old people memories and where they’re going to get married and Lily gets all catty and she’s bitching “IM LILLY BASS, I WANT A FANCY SHMANCY WEDDING.” Oh no, someone’s hitting menopause. They get all angry and they’re like, “I don’t want to talk to you!!!!!!” Vanessa is photoshopping Olivia and Orlando. That’s totally not weird, I do that and show it to my friends and hope they believe that I made out with Angie and Brad. Dan catches her and Vanessa tells him the truth and she says, “Scott is your brother.” Lol, I totally had a Star Wars flashback. Luke I am your father. Ok, now I’m done with my moment. Back to the plot people.

Rufus and Lily are looking at pictures of each other and not the nasty ones they posted on Facebook. JK btw, you really don’t want to see all that saggy flesh, they called each other, made up, planned to get married tomorrow, and then had nasty old person phone sex with each other. Blaire and her minions are planning Serena’s moms wedding, and then this one minion is like I can’t do anything so then Jenny gives her a death stare look and sends her to the dungeon of torture and tacky makeup. Dorota said,” I got the Sonic Youths, but they’re in the Hamptons” WTF man, this isn’t a frat party people, this is a classy affair between two senior citizens and Lil’ J is making a purdy rose dress. Lily isn’t wearing white for her wedding? Good she shouldn’t, it’s pretty obvious she isn’t a virgin no more.

Dan plans to confront Georgina and exorcise the demon within her. Lily blows hard at her wedding vows with some stereotypical shit and then Serena is like mom, you suck, and a flying monkey could do better. Dan is talking to Georgina and he’s all like, wow, I didn’t know you could suck out someone’s soul and he said he misses her and wants to have hot monkey sex with her (and go out with her again).

DEMONSPAWN tries to invite herself to his Dads wedding and SHE WAS REJECTED!!! SO then she talks to some creepy old guy and asks him what happens if someone who used to grab your ass doesn’t. (PS it means he doesn’t want to have hot monkey sex with you, dumbass.) Carter says he wouldn’t want to miss looking at Serena in something pink and poufy. (Does he mean sexy undies? Because a poufy dress would be harder to take off, just saying.) He isn’t afraid of Chuck and Chuck says “I know your secret, so you better get outta town buddy.” He then finishes his scotch, and struts away. OH CARTER, YOU JUST GOT SERVED!

Georgina then picks up Scott from a Greyhound bus and says they’re going to pay Vanessa a surprise visit. And then she says,” Let’s get you a tie,” CHEAPO!!!!!! You could have gotten him a suit!!!!! Dorota then informs Serena and Blaire that “The Sonic Youths are stuck in traffic.” Blaire is being a bitch (DUH!!!) and mocks Dorota, “Well next time remember that Meeester Chuck has a chopper.” Bitch, someday Dorota will rule us all.

Serena is worried because Carter still isn’t here and she’s worried that she might have to find someone else to screw. Is it just me, or does Serena always have to show her boobs and her legs in one outfit? A bit of advice but it’s either one or the other. Blaire is looking for Carter and Nate’s girlfriend is also looking for him. Chucks like, he probably skipped town and Dan says he’s a good actor.

Lil’ J is helping Lily get dressed and they have a cutesy mother daughter moment. Until Rufus and her get divorced a few weeks later. Carted shows up and Nate’s girlfriend gets a MWHAHA look in her eyes. Carter tells Serena the truth, that Carter had debts and he found a rich chick stupid enough to love her, proposes to her, and ditches her. Wow, doesn’t that sound like the Runaway Bride. Georgina comes and tells Dan that she plans on telling everybody Scotts secret.

Lily and Rufus have another issue. And Lily says she can’t write her wedding vows, she brings up that they can’t get along, and talk about their disfunctionality. So, that’s how every marriage works, deal with it, wait until you hit the 20 year mark and you’ll want to kill each other like my parents do. I smell some cold feet again. Runaway Bride all over again, they start arguing with each other and Scott comes over like a lil’ puppy dog and Lily kicks him to a corner.

Georgina comes over and informs them that their bastard isn’t dead and then she moseys on down to the buffet table. They all try to make sense of this recent development and Rufus and Lily are going to find their bastard lovechild. Carter tries to win Serena back but it doesn’t work. Looks like Serena has to either find someone else to drill.

Nate’s girlfriend confronts Carter and she says that Carter and her cousin’s brothers are going to have a throw down Kill Bill style. I smell an asswupping and Georgina munches on some cake and says that no one else is going to eat it anyways. Careful hun, those are going to go straight to your… never mind, you’re Satan’s baby so you don’t gain weight.

Rufus and Lily find Scott, have a heartwarming discussion and they say that they want Scott back, they’re scared and it means that Lily can have a man who wears ugly clothes, and not being able to hold her baby for 20 years. Well, he’s kind of too big to hold now and even if he wasn’t, that would be super inappropriate. They then get married and they say some funny vows, they then get married by some lady who has a shady online service, are pronounced husband and wife. They can’t wait for Scott to join their happy family, till Rufus and Lily get divorced a few weeks later. Probably.

Nate confronts his girlfriend and finds out that he was used to get to Carter. (Hun, if you were with me, I would sex you up all the time, sorry, got sidetracked) He then dumps her, Carter is crammed into a limo with 2 big burly men, and a creepy Russian guy who says he’s a prince take Georgina somewhere gay like an oil pipeline convention. That guy wasn't even hot enough to be a prince! Turns out Blaire sent Dorota to do this, but I hope that Demonspawn doesn’t end up dead in a ditch or an alleyway. For realz. See you guys soon, if I survive a dozen donuts in the dumpster behind Dunkin Donuts.