Top Chef by NikkiBot

[B-Side]

There’s no L-Y-C-H-E-E in TEAM!
By NikkiBot

This is the first week without Project Runway, and I’m feeling a little empty inside… while we just said “Auf Wiedersehen” to PR last week, we say “Konnichiwa” to Top Chef – I’m hoping it satiates my hunger for some (hopefully) back-stabbing, (sometimes) talented, (always) egotistical reality tv stars, bring it on BRAVO!

Yes, Top Chef enters the much-coveted 10 PM time slot on Bravo. It’s a testament to the quality of Bravo’s programming when their top shows air at the ripe hour of 10 PM ET on hump day… or maybe it’s because they air the crap out of each show, so it’s impossible -- even if you don’t own a Tivo, or a dinosauric VCR -- to miss ANY given episode. But if you’re like me, you can’t wait for the weekend marathons or the 4 AM replays, you MUST see it at the Hump Day Ten (take that MTV Ten Spot)… let's preheat those over-product-placementized Kenmore ovens and cook up some drama, you wanna-be Top Chefs…

This sophomore season is already shaping up to be better than the first for two reasons:
First, Katie Lee Joel, the equivalent to Laguna Beach’s narrator, Tessa is gone, replaced by a very multi-tonal Padma Lakshmi!!! (for those of you who are not familiar with the magnum-opus of reality television that follows young tarts around the O.C., just stare at a pretty picture and turn on a de-humidifier, or some white noise – get the picture? BORING. i.e. Tessa, Katie Lee Joel…)

And finally, I never, ever have to see Stephen The Sommelier again… unless, he’s a guest judge this season – Please Bravo, noooooooooooooooooo! But I’m sure someone will shape up this season whose presence makes me want to scream and vomit at the same time....my guess is that it will be this guy:

[ed. note: there's supposed to be a picture of Marcel here]


On to the show! At the tender hour of 4:30 AM, the almost-Top Chefs receive a warm wake-up call from Chef Tom Colicchio. “It’s CHEF!” yells the aforementioned potential a-hole of the season, Marcel. Hopefully he’ll hang around long enough to come through for me, and if he doesn’t, sorry Marcel, maybe you’re a nice guy. Prove it!

This brings me to my first peeve about this show, which is extremely baseless and shouldn’t bother me in the least… oh well, nobody’s perfect. Doesn’t Chef have a name? Yup, it’s Tom. Throw in a Chef Tom, or Mr. Chef, something please. Why just call him Chef? Aren’t they all chefs? Ok, I know, dumb. It’s just a respect thing, I get it.

But it evokes the same reaction I get from 80’s movies when Molly Ringwald talks about “prom”. Don't people appreciate an article every now and then? I don't know why this bothers me so much either, but why neglect the THE!?! Do you go to prom?? I go to THE prom. Do you give compliments to Chef? I give my compliments to the chef… OK, I’m done…


Oh yeah, they all woke up early for a reason: Quickfire Challenge Time!!! You see, they had to wake early to get the freshest fish to whip up some fancy sushi for the quickfire challenge. I was really disappointed in this challenge. I prefer the ones when they get random ingredients, like say, a marshmallow, anchovies and apricot marmalade and have to make a modern appetizer that will appeal to the palette of guest judges, Ernie and Bert and what they would serve on Sesame Street.


I'm no foodie, but come on, throw some rice, some raw stuff, some wasabi and roll it up already. Who's going to have a meltdown over sushi? NO ONE. Little did I know that my disappointment would soon be alleviated by the mini-straw-cowboy-hat-wearing Mia. During Padma's speech, a hatless Mia looked like she was going to blow chunks. I wasn't sure if this was an adverse reaction to the challenge, hey, maybe raw fish makes her nauseous?

Nope, Mia was just plain sick. Once the meeting broke, we got to see Mia's sick behind some truck with her voice over saying, "H-E-double hockey sticks." HEJJ? HUH??? What was she throwing up?

The wannabe Top Chefs scurry, cut, roll, fret, scale, puke, and yell for 30 minutes. All the dishes look good…how boring, but it doesn’t mean it tastes good! Guest judge, Hiroshi Shima looks pleased until he hit Mia's station... but we all know what she was busy doing, I just hope she washed her hands… and mouth…oh, and brushed her teeth... So Cliff winds up winning the most coveted reality show word: Immunity. His Hama Hama still tastes like the ocean even with mangos, according to Shima.... so I guess we just have to take his word for it, though it sounds pretty nasty to me... maybe it could be the next Starburst flavor: Hama Hama Mango...mmmmmmm. ocean. mmmmmmmm. mango. mmmmmmmm. fishy mango? What do I know, I'm just sitting here with my black pepper Doritos, now there’s a flavor.

Now onto what counts, what we at home watch for: Elimination. Here we go, the dreaded team challenges. No one can really show their skills in these, but it does make for ego-clashing, temper-flaring, and petty backstabbing...yay! We have Team Korea vs. Team Vietnam. No one really knows anyone else yet, so there’s a lack of eye-rolling and sighs that usually emerge later in the season. The details: one cold dish, one hot dish. No freakin' sweat. Oh wait, 1,000 people? Daaamn, good luck teams. And only $500, what?? I'm no Top Chef, but I think that would equal Ramen Noodles and an apple for everyone.

If these guys can feed 1,000 people with $500, I'm beginning to think that I got SCREWED by the caterers of my 125 person wedding ...damn you scallops wrapped in bacon! I start to feel like less of a sucker because I think the Top Chef editing is making this challenge seem way more difficult than it is… ok, I guess I’m a sucker either way. Over at Team Vietnam we find out they only have to make 250 of their eggrolls. We know this because of an intellectually stimulating conversation taking place – Betty explained that they only have to make 125 eggrolls, cut them in half to get……… you guessed it! Or maybe not, but it’s 250 eggrolls! Some great chefs AND good at math! Well, some are…


250 is still a lot of people to cook for, but this challenge made more sense and while watching, it was pretty obvious who the winning team was going to be. We had Team Vietnam agreeing on everything, working well together, and getting things done, while Team Korea, aka Team Hangover, was a disaster. Who had the bright idea of getting trashed when they were preparing or attempting to prepare the menu? THAT chef should get eliminated… wait, I take that back, keep him on… and apparently, he’s got some skills in the sangria making department.

And this brings us to the most ridiculous spectacle in all of reality television, ok, maybe not ALL reality TV, but this was bad, Top Chef hasn’t gone there -- and all over a vegetable… I think a lychee is a vegetable… I don’t even know, what’s a lychee?

The event unfolds and we flash to people eating, smiling, kissing butt, blah, blah, blah, nothing really exciting happens. We see some potential drama for future episodes through Josie and Michael’s squabble. Josie spoke to Michael like he was a child… or as if he was on acid. This annoyed Michael, but not enough for an all-out fight… we can only hope, maybe next week!

The judges taste the food, which leaves the viewers wondering if the Fuh or Fa meets their expectations and if Team Hangover is really the train wreck that the crafty editing makes us believe. Only one way to find out: the Judges’ Table.

Just as we thought, Team Vietnam is called in first and the winner is: perky Betty with her cucumber aloe refresher. I think Betty just ripped off the spring line of Bath & Body Works, but the judges were ga-ga over it. Team Korea hears the celebration in the other room; they know one of them is going home… with that, we have Frank freak, and I mean FREAK, I thought the man was going to have a heart attack, seriously, cardiac arrest over their lack of team unity… um, does he know where he is? It’s Top Chef, not Top Team, buddy. He is not going to last very long with that attitude… come on man, let your ego go and stomp some chef a**, focus your anger on someone who deserves it and start the finger-pointing NOW. He didn’t need to finger-point because everyone else was getting psyched up to do it.

The Overreaction Reward/Best Actress goes to Marisa on this episode. I can’t figure out which one she deserves more. As she did in the kitchen beforehand, Marisa told Chef Collicchio about Otto’s penchant for free lychees. Now, at the Judges’ Table, she blames their loss on Otto’s theft and his lack of culinary integrity and can’t (sniff) stand (wimper) being (sniff) in his presence (sobbb) in front of these highly respectable judges (ugh, enough!). I think Marisa’s got some skills… not at making Korean desserts, which she SO failed at, but at diverting all attention from her suckiness to someone and something else: Otto and his returned lychees.


Seriously, I can’t even devote any more attention to this because I thought it was so ridiculous. Maybe Otto was trying to pull a fast one on everyone and save the day by providing the lychees, but I just don’t care. It wasn’t funny like watching Jeffrey cry when Laura accused him of cheating on Project Runway. It wasn’t gratifying like watching Tina punch Beth in the face on Real World/Road Rules Challenge, now those were scandals! This_was_just_DUMB. If they boot Otto for this, I may have to stop watching Top Chef. Yup. I said it. If this is how the season is shaping up, new host and lack of Stephen aside, I’m out!

I guess I just don’t think it’s a big deal. I don’t condone stealing, but it seemed to me that Otto pointed out that perhaps they got the lychees for free, and at that moment, outside of the grocery store, no one returned them or told him that maybe they should return them. Why didn’t Marisa insist on returning them right then and there?

My faith in Top Chef was restored when we cut to the judges deliberating on who should get the ax, or pack their knives. Whatever, same thing. Colicchio said that if Otto just admits his wrongdoing, he should stay, and Marisa, who obviously performed the worst in the challenge, but didn’t steal anything (though there could be a case for abetting), will go home. OK, that’s fair. I wouldn’t want to be lied to either.

Fair’s fair. The chefs come back in and Otto starts apologizing for his actions, yeah! See YA Marisa, get down off your moral-high-horse…but what… wait… NOOOO! Otto is so disgusted by his own actions, he REMOVES himself from the competition…oh damn, wait until he watches this episode and realizes he wouldn’t have packed his knives if he had just stopped after his apology… my guess is that Otto was trying to save some face by bowing out before getting booted out…

I was pretty disappointed in these challenges, but I still love the show. What do you think? Do you think Marisa overreacted to the “free” lychees? Do you think Otto deliberately stole the lychees? Do you think he meant what he said, or that he was trying to pre-empt his booting?

[adriscoll27]

Well done! AND......I totally have to agree on the "prom", "chef" comment!!!

[ercelia]

WINNER!! This entry is tvgasm material...best one..hands down!!!!:

[giffordsaz]

You did a fine job here. I thought you mixed it up well and obviously you are a TRUE reality fan. I think Tina and Beth should be on top chef too! They would get along well with Michael, beating people up.
You mixed it up so well I thought you were just breezing by the Lychee gate. You did give it the proper reference though, it should not have been the focus of this episode unless Marisa was right there under the bus with Otto and the case of Lychee, which I think is a fruit.... blossom.... sea urchin?
I hope you cover future shows... I would love to read your recap on the onionringate and how exactly Betty screwed up Marcel's meal?

[greeneyes]

Funny recap but I'd add that in addition to Marisa's getting the 'overreaction award', she also wins 'most deluded' based on her conduct in episode 3.

Excellent recap!! I'm also in complete agreement about THE prom.
I actually had lychees once. they are gross - not worth buying or stealing!

Awesome! Nikkibot should be famous! You should definitely get together with the Sports Guy and take the world by storm!!