|
Super Moderator
Status: Offline
Posts: 130
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Los Angeles
|
Top Chef by Flipit -
11-04-2006, 04:18 PM
“I Scream, You Scream”
Top Chef - Season 2 Episode 3
by Flipit
I’ve spent the past six months late night binge-eating in front of the fainting, anorexic models on Project Runway. I’ve felt like a pathetic, chunky deviant. I was tortured. Tormented. By the finale, I was a bloodshot, teary eyed, starving mess. I developed social anxiety, got hooked on heroin…my dog started barking at me like I was a stranger. Then, like a storm passing, Project Runway ended (damn you, Sibilia!) and Top Chef began.
The format may be the same as PR, but the cast is surprisingly different. These people don’t care if you’re glamorous, thin, or even fuckable. They’re fat, they’re homely, and they just want you to enjoy your God given right to eat.
Now these people I can wolf down a loaf of cream cheese in front of.
The episode begins by reminding us of last weeks “Otto hid the salami” drama. Marissa, who was worried about the dried dog poop dessert she was confecting, tattle-taled to judge Tom Choliccio that Otto, the droopy Deputy Dog you knew the second you saw him had no shot of winning this thing, hid some meat under his shopping cart and bragged about it to Marissa before they left the store. She said it in a “you didn’t hear it from me” kind of way, but Tom called Otto right over and chewed him out. In the end, Otto finally came clean and man cried about it to the judges. Then he quit.
Has this guy ever watched a reality show? If you’re gonna quit, curse people out, throw things, and tell us you were molested by Uncle Kevin as you leave. Don’t man cry.
And with rock music and the sounds of knives being maliciously sharpened, we are in episode three.
We open in the chef's sleeping quarters, where Marcel, the monkey from “Friends”, throws paper wads at the heavily snoring Frank, and right off the bat I snap back my head and crinkle my face. A monkey and a fat dude with a band-aid on his nose sweating while he snores. Just give “Top Chef” three minutes and you’re hungry.
The monkey is fun and playful until he’s alone with the camera.
“I’ve got culinary knowledge,” Marcel tells us. “I’m best at avante-gard molecular gastronomy…? And I notice that some of the others don’t have enough knowledge and enough experience whether it’s like working on management or as a cook…or like…anything.” Then he pulls out a bottle of Aqua-Net and teases up his hair like a chola to remind us he’s “special”.
We never should have taught monkeys English. Damn “Friends”!!
At the breakfast table, Michael, the pasty, greasy stoner, tells us that he thought it was gonna be a day of sleeping til’ one and chillin’. He comes off as a lazy, inebriated momma’s boy at first, but then he goes on to tell us that that’s his strategy. He’s worried that if he’s his normal, confident, charming self, people will try to knock him down. Stay right in the middle, no one sees him as a threat. People sabotage people, you know?
Michael is that neighbor who comes over uninvited, laughs nervously, accuses you of farting and tries to pretend you’re best friends while he smokes all your weed. You know, the one you’re worried is better than you in every way. Oh, Michael.
And on to the Quickfire Challenge and our host…Padma Who? WHAT? Where is Billy Joel’s wife?!?!? If she was in a drunk driving accident, someone would have told me right? RIGHT?
Padma Lakshmi. Stage name?
This chick is just as gorgeous as Billy’s 16 year old wife, and almost as intelligent. At first I am confused as she is speaking another language, and then I am blinded by the image of Padma stealing her tight pink Princess crown-bedazzled shirt from a twelve year old in the BRAVO elevator on the way up to the studio. But I don’t judge her. She had to find something to go with the pair of biker panties and stilettos.
The women of the competition look at Padma like she is a piece of trash. Seriously, I paused this section many many times. Emily looks like she just had some bad truck stop oral and Mia doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she’s staring at Padma’s camel toe. Even Betty, the Pollyanna of the season, isn’t happy. I’m surprised anyone heard the challenge.
Oh yeah, making ice cream! Marissa, the slutty pastry chef who tattle –taled on Otto, says this one’s hers. She puts ice cream on everything, and is convinced she can win immunity on this one. Too bad she couldn’t win immunity from herpes, chlamydia, or big ears. I’d actually root for her.
Padma tells them that they have two hours and forty minutes to use their Cuisinart to make home-made Cuisinart ice Cuisinart cream.
Cuisinart.
Then they’ll all go down to the Redondo Seaside Lagoon to test their product out on the people. Everyone smiles, obviously picturing the Redondo Seaside Lagoon as paradise. Ah, out of towners are adorable.
Most of the chefs moan and groan about never having made ice cream before, and the big tall “hot” guy tells us he’s diabetic, so he never touches the stuff. I think I am gonna hate him later, but right now he’s just tall and handsome and I make a note to never add sugar to anything I make for him at home. Poor little baby. Come to daddy.
Despite the complaining, it seems like most of the chefs know what they're doing. We’ve got berry from Betty, chocolate lavender from Emily, cookie marshmallow crunch from Cliff, and so on.
And then we get to the crazies. Ilan is working on bacon and waffle and Marcel is making bacon avocado. Ice cream. What, no mayonnaise? Well, that just ruins it for me. Ilan is worried at first that he is not the only one using dead pig in his dessert. But hey, Marcel teases his hair and wears shiny ties, so he’s gonna forge on in confidence.
When the chefs arrive at the Redondo Seaside Lagoon, they realize they are in for less “Mummy, may I sample the iced crème?” and more “bitch, gimme some ice cream or I’ll cut you”.
Emily was hoping their demographic wasn’t gonna be a bunch of snotty little kids. Emily has never been to the beach. Only truck stops. Lots and lots of truck stops. If she loses this, I can see her going on a “Monster” rampage. If only this show had an element of “The Swan”. Wouldn’t it be inspiring to see Emily transform into Charlize Theron by the end of the episode?
Padma comes out and lets her camel toe explain vagina vagina vagina. When I snapped out of it, a bunch of brats were tasting the ice cream. Betty has taken her “excellent customer service” compliment from last week and completely raped it. She is so over-welcoming and white I can’t help but hope that a little Mexican kicks her in the knee and calls her puta.
The kids turn out to be adorable and sweet. They sample everything and no one tries to set Marcel’s hair on fire. Just when I thought I would make it through the rest of this challenge without hating someone new, Sam, my tall diabetic husband, tells us that he was voted one of the top ten sexiest chefs in New York, so of course people will vote for him. He can’t help but get people around him “a little riled up”. To prove his point, they show us little girls in bikinis giggling while Sam chuckles like the guy with candy in the rape van.
And….HATE. Eeeew.
The monkey took one look at his “clientele” and knew he was fucked. Children lined up one by one to spit it out and wipe off their tongues. The best was when and old lady in a Grand Canyon hat shook her head, said “ew!” and then looked at Marcel like he had just punched her in the face. Poor people haven’t heard of bacon ice cream yet. Peons.
When one girl tells Emily her ice cream needs more sugar, she says “that’s what you need with your fourteen and your huge ass! More sugar!”
Ah Emily. Always trying to think of how to help the poor fat kids of The Redondo Lagoon.
When all is said and done, Cliff wins the day with his marshmallow and ginger snap ice cream. No one is too happy, since Cliff won the Quickfire Challenge last week, too.
Marissa says he didn’t win because his ice cream was the best quality. She didn’t say why he did win though. She was busy being in the bottom three. Trash talkin’ ho.
And now for Elimination Challenge, and our guest host Stephen Bulgarelli, the senior chef of the Four Seasons, I mean, TGIFriday’s.
Yikes. Who did “Top Chef” piss off for that product placement nightmare? Last time I was at TGIFs, I had a hair in my uncooked processed chicken sandwich and a homeless crack ho threw up on my shoe outside. Granted, it was the Times Square location, but I didn’t even know they had a chef there. I just assumed the waiters went into the back and made something up. Ah, we don’t know how much work goes into casual dining!
Anyhoo, Stephen Bulgarelli is pretty much who you would think he would be. A big burly Long Island bear with a goatee. They're still wearing goatees at TGIF's.
He tells the chefs they will be making a new item for the TGIFriday menu. What, are people getting sick of wilted lettuce and processed cheese already?
The goal is to take something from your childhood and make a grown up version of it. Oooohhhh I can't wait to try Marcel's mommy complex with a side of Sam's being too hot and diabetic to live.
Padma, now dressed like JLo in “Selena”, sans big butt and promise of true stardom, gives the chefs their time limit and lets guest judge/bear Stephen ramble on about TGIF like everyone in the room is too stupid to know that TGIF is a really, really suck ass restaurant.
He goes on to explain what the TGIF customer wants. We know, we know. Lots and lots of calories.
When they get to their location, they will get to finish their entrees and serve them to....duh duh duh....firemen!!! You can just see the big bear salivating as he tells them and its hard not to see this guy and Tom Choliccio lubing up their fists before the meal even begins.
The chefs get through the initial cooking ok, but then they get to the South Pasadena Fire Department and the drama begins. They each have 15 min to plate their entrees, but they have to do it one at a time, and they have to sit there and watch each other.
Marcel, that cheeky monkey, accuses the other chefs of sabotage, because someone before him turned down the fryer and he couldn't get his onion rings done in time. Dude, guess what TGIF’s already sells? Onion rings. He won’t shut up, and Betty finally loses it on his ass.
A note about Betty. I have been to her restaurant in Los Angeles a few times. Betty's sweetness is not fake. She has come up to my table numerous times and sat down and carried on like she has known us all for years. It's sweet, but a little manic and creepy. And I have learned that when someone is that over the top in that tree huggy hippie love in love out kind of a way, you should never EVER cross them, because they are suppressing rage that will obliterate you.
She is right in verbally bitch slapping the monkey, but she doesn't make much sense or sound very adult. If she was gonna go the childish route, I wish she could have mentioned his hair and his ties. In retaliation, when it's her fifteen minutes and the grill won't heat up fast enough, Marcel sits on the edge of his seat and heckles her like he's at a Paula Poundstone show.
Betty gets her final grilled cheese plated at the last second and everyone cheers. Marcel scratches his armpits and jumps up and down in defeat. That rascal!!
Michael has decided to go with skirt steak. He had to let go of the cheese he almost bought so he could get beer. When someone is that pathetic, I always root for them. It's why I went to wheelchair prom.
Michael tells us he worked at TGIF for a month and has worked in all kinds of corporate casual dining places, and he thinks he will win hands down. Then he chugs a beer, burps, and rubs a boogar into the camera lens.
Since the inspiration is supposed to be from childhood, Frank, the big sweating snorer from the opening, makes a bizarre Smurf village salad. Ok dude. I buy the Smurfs, but I have to call you out on the childhood salad. Children who eat salad don't grow up to look and snore like Fred Flinstone.
Judge Tom has dreesed casually to blend in with the firemen. His shirt is a loud expensive print and he's wearing bracelets and a necklace. I just point this out because he seemed to think all the firemen would be gay, too.
He was only half disappointed. While the men weren't playing disco or having NSA sex with smooth boys from craigslist, they were a bitchy crowd. Especially the head fireman, who called the steak rubbery and unimaginative and thought the surf and turf tasted like old people.
OK here's the unfair part. Guest judge/bear Stephen has an obvious hardon for the hot diabetic guy, who pulled out the queerest dish of the bunch. Fruit salad. For TGIF. Seriously.
Guest Judge Stephen calls it "craveable", which scores big point with Judge Gail, who uses the word as much as she can before the end of the episode.
Betty wins her second week in a row with her grilled chese and pepper soup. She almost pees on the floor. Padma, who has apparently been muzzled after out-bitching Judge Gail Simmons last week, jumps back in fear when Betty screams. The judges are sweet and encouraging to all top three chefs, and then it's time for the bottom three.
Emily, whose surf and turf Gail desribed as "inedible" at least five times, Frank, whose mushroom fantasy was badly executed, had no finesse, and was simply retarded, and Michael, who drunkenly punched the air and asked guest Judge Tom to pull his finger.
The judges take some time to discuss amongst themselves while Michael guzzles more beer and Emily cries in the kitchen. Bitchy Padma's muzzle is taken off and she has nothing nice to say. Muzzle her!! Gail says "craveable" a lot, and Tom and Stephen cruise each other across the table. I would love to go into detail on what they said, but it was a blur because I couldn't get over the executive chef from TGIF acting like he knew anything about food, other than he's supposed to eat a lot of it.
When they bring back the chefs, they thrash them pretty hard. Emily is still crying, and mysteriously, Mia is in the kitchen crying for Emily!! Wait a minute! Maybe Mia realy WAS looking at Padma's camel toe in the first scene!!!! Or maybe it's just the sisterhood of the Girls with no Makeup. Will anyone ever understand the lesbian community?
The judges call Mike a big lazy baby who isn't taking this show seriously, but he almost goes into a man cry (after his kitchen threats of violence against the judges if he lost) and burps really loud and then Emily is sent back to pack her knives.
Credits rolled, and I ate. A LOT.
What did you think about the firing? Will Michael continue to be a big pasty baby? Will Frank keep snoring? Will Emily become the next Aileen Wuornos?
|
wow- how good it tasted reading it. -
11-08-2006, 12:30 PM
hilarious -
11-10-2006, 12:21 PM
Linear Mode
